To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

[UlrikaUmbridge]

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

I agree, more likely there was no room at the inn and daddy has coverted the basement into a room.

What happened to her original bedroom, was she sharing with her sister or has one of your children taken over her bedroom.

Many parents have a policy of always allowing their adult children to return, a safe haven in life, it must be horrible for her to have to feel so unwanted by you.
I'm sure you would not behave like this towards your own children, shameful language towards her, but I think she should leave, I don't think her being in your company is good for her, no wonder she wants her boyfriend there for back up.

Yes her dad maybe a spinless twat but mainly for not protecting his daughter from you, you sound jealous of her father's love.

This was a very verbose way of saying you don't like her

Well I’m not surprised she’s become a ‘handful’.
It appears she had the worse ever start to get life.
She clearly has issues & who can blame her?!
Both of you are at fault.
The so called curfew is utterly ridiculous.
Calling your SD a brat isn’t very nice actually.
I think some sort of family mediation with an independent person may help.

Christ almighty, I didn't have a curfew at 17, never mind 21, and that was 50 years ago!

YABVU.

That makes it not her house, but still her home.

Two options....tell her to start contributing financially and abide by your house rules. If she doesn't like it she can get her own place or go back to mummy dearest. Your husband needs to stop spoiling her. If she's got that much money she can contribute to the household or get her own place

YABU with a 10pm curfew and the 3 hours heating a day.

She’s a product of a broken family. Doesn’t matter how ‘loving’ and ‘maternal’ you think you’ve been, she has experienced the break up of her original family unit, and all the drama that’s brought - you mention the break up was very acrimonious. Hardly surprising she’s a handful, as even though she’s now an adult, the emotional baggage of what you experienced as a child is always in your head. I come from divorced parents, and struggled massively with it all when I was a child, but tbh I feel the scars more as an adult. Just try cut her a bit of slack, especially with the draconian rules of a 10 o’clock curfew.

Step parents are evil on MN but you’re a better person than I am because I wouldn’t put up with her or your spineless husband, not least because his parenting will likely turn your 3 DCs into spoilt brats as well.

My hair takes about two hours no way am I sitting with no heating on I would go elsewhere

Goodness me. First she owes you £2600, which is not nothing, and second she is behaving selfishly, waking up small children at all hours.

Personally I think it sounds like time she moved out with the boyfriend.

Well, sounds like she can get her own place then! It really isn’t her house.

Tell her she starts paying rent and then the rules get relaxed. Heating on more and she can come home later and have boyfriend over more. DH has to back you up though.

Where is she supposed to sleep if she is not in by 10pm? Is her father happy for her to scrabble around trying to find somewhere to stay for the night? That sounds like a stupid and dangerous thing to ask if her.

Imagine your own daughter if you and your husband split up and he had a new wife.

Imagine your own daughter being spoken to like that and treated like an outsider, no doubt you wouldn't want her to stay in that envioroment, and you would want her with you.

Yet your SD can't do that, her mom is abroad.
You sound very immature and lacking in empathy.

Just think about that, another woman calling your child a spoilt brat,
telling her it's not a fucking BNB, would you seriously be happy with that at her own father's house.

You do sound pretty rigid with the strictness about heating. If she has people sitting around, especially with wet hair, it’s totally unreasonable to expect her to have an unseated salon all day. Likewise, your 10pm is frankly ridiculous. She is perhaps stroppy because you are treating her like a child, rather than the adult she is. Sit down with her and have a respectful conversation, one adult to another!

Kid ! She is a 21 year old woman.

If SD isn’t paying rent, is she paying any tax on her earnings? Does she have any type of hairdressing insurance (especially if she’s colouring hair)? I know I’ve ignored all the issues about her living arrangements, but the business situation sounds very unprofessional.

The 10pm curfew for a 21 year old is v unreasonable as is the limits of bf staying over, she is 21 not 15. And insisting on her babysitting, is the 15 year old not old enough to that? Heating limits also not appropriate given she is running a business, people don't want to freeze whilst having their hair done. Do you and your husband never go out after 10? The not paying on her part is unreasonable on her part. Your husband needs to sort that out perhaps whilst renegotiating the rules.

You’ve invited her to live with you and now you’re treating her like a child. Your rules are ridiculous. She needs to have her own place.

Is this post still going on??

That poor girl living with draconian rules.

A 10pm curfew?? My 22 year old DD doesn't go out until 10!

If she respected you OP none of the issues you describe would be happening so it looks like there's a bigger problem going on? Also, your heating rule is ridiculous. Why offer her a space to build up her business but then sabotage it like this? Would you return to a cold salon? Repeat business is so important (but you know this, right?).

Tend to agree with this. Sounds like she has some big issues which are probably related to dysfunctional childhood. But that said she does need firmness and consistency as well as kindness. If she threatens to go back to her mums that's fine, why is that an issue at 21? You might want to have a conversation, say that you understand the heating rule might have been inconvenient but unless she pays towards the bills you aren't willing to change it. Get her to negotiate with you - what is she willing to offer in return for you seeing things her way? Definitely tell her that she needs to set up a direct debit for the rent amount plus owed, or move to mum's permanently. Call her bluff!

If she runs a business from the basement and wants it to be warm and comfortable I would expect her to be paying more than she's not actually paying! She's seems to want everything doing for her for nothing.

OP this has ended up online elsewhere. I hope you haven't said anything too outing x