To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

[UlrikaUmbridge]

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

I did secretly wonder about the UAE/male custody aspect, because in the UK at least, full custody for a man is very unusual. UK courts favour mothers.

I know OP says the bio mother is not a loving maternal figure (and OP apparently is), but that's just the story she's been told.

I think the "stepdaughter" aspect is relevant, because it does explain why the daughter could be acting out due to how she feels she fits in with this dynamic – eg could she be slamming the door to show she doesn't care about waking up OP's biological kids? She's a bit too old to be acting up, for sure, but she's being kept in an infantilised role due to very strict rules.

@Twinedpeaks if she was living with her her mum and dad her life would be very different. The whole divorce and moving countries, moving in with a new family must have been extremely challenging.

You can't separate the behaviour from the circumstances of her upbringing.

You’re on a hiding to nothing if DH won’t insist on her paying the rent you all agreed she would. He’s not doing her any favours by pandering, whatever the reasons he’s doing it.

Is he going to support all 4 other DC the same way?

She’s paying £400 per month.

No wonder she swings from one difficult home to the other.

She would be better working elsewhere. She is young she is craving her independence. She is right the salon needs to be heated in the morning. The 10pm curfew is ridiculous no wonder she is rebelling. You need to treat her like the adult she is.

As an aside
@UlrikaUmbridge does the basement have a window.

The 10pm rule is insane, she’s 21. At 21, a night out STARTS at 10pm!!

The mistake here was the home salon. She will take the piss because she can, the boundaries are too easy to flout. It’s not teaching her responsibility because she knows she can get away with doing what she wants. It’s going to continue to cause issues, so I think it was a bad idea and she should have rented a chair somewhere else or got her own salon when she could afford to and actually learned how to operate a business.

I think for her own sake she’d be better to move out. I doubt you’d feel quite the same way if this was your actual daughter though.

YABU
Your rules are ridiculous.
You can't make a 21 year old stick to a 10 pm curfew.
I don't agree with you about the heating either - clients won't want to be sitting in a cold salon and she'll lose business.
You should be charging her rent though and perhaps more towards the gas and electricity if she is using more. But she is paying ca. 400 a month already. Also, she shouldn't be eating your food and making a mess in your kitchen. Does she not have cooking facilities in the studio? She shouldn't be waking the entire household up when she comes either.
DH needs to talk to her and establish some ground rules such as not making a noise or a mess in the kitchen, a larger contribution to bills and/or rent but at the same time removing the curfew nonsense and the heating times need to be changed to accommodate the business.

I hear what you are saying. I also spent money on myself when that age. I didn’t always make the best decisions, but knew how to budget.

I was always able to cover my outgoings. Rent, bills, food etc.

3 packages of make up and clothes a week is particularly excessive.

Credit can be so easily available for young people, and it can begin to snowball.

Young women in particular are constantly bombarded online with marketing from the beauty industry and social influencers.

we aren’t a fucking BNB

But it is her home, and like anyone else, should be able to come and go when she pleases in her own home.

It’s also not very wise to take out a contract on a ‘swanky new car’ when her business is run from her parents basement and she has minimal overheads.

Okay this is what I'd do.

I'd make her move out into a rented flat or a house and with her BF if that's what they want.

I might allow her to use the basement of your home as work premises but at a cost, paid by DD every month, no quibbling.

She is old enough to support herself and learn some financial responsibility.

At her age, my two were out of uni, working in stressful jobs and sharing houses.
They had to manage their own finances.

I don't think it's fair or reasonable that she is basically living with her BF in your home when they are staying up late, cooking food late and waking you up.
This is what a teen might do until the leave home. She's not a teen.

The issue is that she runs away to her mother when it suits her, and then runs back again. Lots of emotional blackmail going on here which needs to stop.

As a unit, you've done a lot for her, and she's not paying rent which isn't right. The curfew is silly and that needs to change as it's treating her like a teenager, not a grown up. She needs to be quiet when she comes in.

You do need to sit down with your DH and sort out what happens when she doesn't keep to her side of the bargain. She's learnt how to get everything she wants, and that needs to stop for her sake as well as everyone else's.

If she wants to be totally selfish and 'come and go' means waking up everyone else, she should get her own home.

Why is that not on your list of solutions?

I get sick and tired of entitled posters spouting 'It's her home'. Yes, in theory it is but it's also the OPs home, her dads' home and the other children's homes.

If she was sharing a house with people her own age they'd tell her what to do- be more considerate or pack your bags and go! There are house rules in shared houses.

as it's treating her like a teenager, not a grown up.

She behaves like a teenager.

I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread. Especially from your update she sounds spoiled and entitled, you really need to get your DH to put the boundaries in place or she’s never going to learn. Surely if she runs off to her mum the clientele she’s trying to build up is going to disappear.

Yes, a 10pm curfew for a 21yo is ridiculous generally, but so is not being responsible and respectful enough to come in quietly if she is later, and if she can’t do that she needs to be home early or find somewhere else to live. An occasional drunken night coming in loud could be forgiven, but as a regular occurrence it’s affecting everyone else in the house.

It’s definitely time for her to start paying rent and as a separate expense paying towards the heating she wants on as part of her business.

But it really has to be her dad who sets these boundaries.

Not acceptable to not allow heating on in the basement

If it’s freezing clients notice

Ridiculous demanding she’s home for 10pm

If you have the cash help her with a deposit on a cheap fiat or something so she can stand on her own two feet

Poor kid, she's only 21! If you can afford it, don't take rent, then she can save up for own place, and stop curtailing her social life!

All the name calling is not great either

The whole set-up seems ridiculous!
She needs to have her own place as this arrangement is never going to work.

She is NOT paying £400 per month.

the 10pm rule is ridiculous!! You're not a halfway house! its her home!

God forbid if something happened to her whilst she was trying to find somewhere to stay and something happened to her!

I'm sure your children could live with a banging door post 10pm!

I'm curious as to whether you plan to implement the same rule when your children are of that age.

for that alone YABU becuase thats blown my mind.

Presumably the idea is that she'd stay with her boyfriend, not walk the streets. 😂

and if they fall out mid night out? He tells her where to go and she feels she cant go "home" because essentially she's been told she wouldn't be welcome?

Honestly its a bloody awful rule.

So, if she paid rent, she won't wake children up coming home past 10pm? Your requests are ridiculous. Charge her rent and let her live.