To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

[UlrikaUmbridge]

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

I have lived in shared accommodation and I have lived with teenagers/young adults as they come and go at all hours of the night and you know what, you just sleep through it, or you wake up and acknowledge the noise and go back to sleep. I don't understand this idea that there needs to be complete silence of people to sleep.

In the OP's situation, I would never have built a salon on the basement for her and then attach a load of conditions. Either give it to her and let her do as she pleases or let her make her own decisions.

@sillysmiles

but it’s not her home is it?
it’s her dad and OP’s home

maybe she needs to work in a salon as most young hairdressers do.

A hairdressing salon with carpet? I don't think so.

If I was her, I'd be sneaking an oil filled radiator into my salon. Lidl sell them for about £50. Nobody wants to sit in an unheated room with wet hair ffs.

I don’t think any of this sounds that bad. Give her a date and notice to start paying rent. So as of May 1st she pays £100 a week towards electric. Scrap the 10pm rule. Sometimes I look back with fondness on the time I was earning money, living at home, shopping all the time. It’s a very small window where you have this much disposable income, before life in the real world kicks in. It sounds like she’s doing well.

” there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out “

YABVU about the rules for a 21yo and to be honest comes across that your children are more important than her. I can totally understand why she runs back to her mum because despite saying you are open armed it doesn’t come across like that at all. As for the heating I wouldn’t return to a cold salon so again I understand why she puts it on as that would be embarassing as a hairdresser. I personally couldn’t live with you based on your op.

and all that being said her only fault is that she needs to pay her way or move somewhere she can be free and Independent at her own cost and not treated like a child and live in nanny

Of course it is her home. It is where she lives and where she grew up and where her family live.

Don't be ridiculous. She'd then go home and nobody would mind. She's not exactly backward in coming forward. She's an adult not a frightened 10 year old.

What’s the point in creating a hairdressing salon in your home for her, then denying central heating? It’s impossible for her to run a salon that way.

The curfew of 10pm is absolutely ridiculous. Not being allowed to have her boyfriend stay is ridiculously controlling.

I think she sounds very mixed up. I feel sad for her.

So she's a mobile hairdresser with a salon? How does that work? I thought hairdressers did apprenticeships then built up enough clients to rent a chair in a salon?

Don't you usually need permission from council, mortgage provider, insurance provider etc to run a business from home? Clients could probably sue you if they have an accident on the premises, I hope you're protected yourselves adequately. Hairdressing is fairly high risk due to chemicals and sharp implements, but there's also slips and trips, ceilings collapsing etc.

I loathe use of the word entitled. It means what people expect from life, but that's shaped by how we're treated and guess what - you set her expectations. Sounds like she's had a bumpy upbringing and you don't actually sound like a warm maternal figure, to be honest.

I'd give her notice to move her business elsewhere, drop the curfew, set a level of contribution to the household.

You are right Op, your DH is being a spineless twat. Either she starts paying rent or she leaves. And the boyfriend eating food that was for the DC's lunches can do one too. Your DH needs to find his backbone.

@sillysmiles

but it ain’t her name on the mortgage 🤷‍♀️

I have only read the first page, but I am stunned at the vote. You are being so unreasonable and about as far from a loving maternal figure as I can imagine.

Your curfew or “don’t come home” is not something a loving maternal figure would do. Most parents like to know their 21 year old daughter got home safely.

As above.

Some of your rules should not apply to an adult (though she needs to learn to come in quietly - this may be her being deliberately awkward if she resents the rule.

However, she needs to pay her own bills. If she threatens to run away to mummy, then let her go. As you know from experience she will be back within a month.

The 10pm rule is unreasonable.
You aren’t unreasonable to ask her to pay rent though.

And I’d have a lot of sympathy re the heating. I’d be frozen sitting having my hair done in winter, snow outside and no heating.

I keep coming back to this thread and it's the title that really rankles. I wouldn't dream of calling my 21yr old DD entitled or a brat. It's not really how we talk about our children. Would you use those words to describe your bio children. You describe yourself as warm and loving and open armed but every thing you right screams the opposite. Resentful and jealous and she will pick up on that. My 21 Yr old DD is welcome home whenever she doesn't have a curfew or stupid rules. She's my child and it's her home.

This is madness.

As PP says- she's running a business from your home.

That is probably not allowed by your mortgage provider, or the council, and your deeds.

You should be paying business rates for your house used as a salon.

She probably doesn't have insurance- personal liability and professional indemnity. A client could fall down the stairs and sue her.

She is not a mobile hairdresser!

A mobile hairdresser goes to their clients.

She needs to either start going to her clients, or moving out and renting a home for herself and her BF. OR a house share with other young people.

She's old enough at 21 to do that.

Well, good for you @sunnysmiles but not everyone goes back to sleep so easily. I house shared and we had rules - ie no one staying over on week nights. We all had professional jobs and needed sleep!

From her POV she has a control freak step mum with rules a prison governor would balk at.

From your POV you have a spoiled step daughter who isn't willing to follow your rigid rules or pay the agreed rent/bills and a husband who doesn't seem to support your position.

Seemingly best for everyone for her to move out and work elsewhere.

I like the idea of a schlong hair dresser, the options are short, long or a schlong cut!
But yeh I know it's been a decade since I had my hair cut, but a carpet sounds like a bad idea.

I don’t think the OP is coming back. I would have liked to see a diagram of the basement salon/flat layout.

She has zero respect for her father, you, your other family and your home.

Live by your rules, or move out

Totally agree

Of course she should pay rent. But your rules are rathrr draconian. Not allowed to come in after 10 pm. Not allowed to switch on the heating outside certain times. Sounds awful.

I think the heating issue you’ll have to re address. Insist on payment then she can have it on in her working hours. Clients are sitting with wet hair- it’s not acceptable. Absolutely sit with her till a standing order has been set up to your account then allow heating while she’s working. Put kids lunch stuff in a separate box with lockable lid then when she’s used up what is usually available to her for the week then ask her to replenish herself or wait for next food shop.
You can’t insist on staying out all night after 10. Not sure what you can do though to make her more considerate there.