I cried in front of my manager

[souleyes]

Over teams about my performance evaluation. He said he could see I was upset and did I have anything else to add. I said no (wiping away my tears) and he said ok speak later and left the call.

I wasn’t hysterical, but upset enough for physical tears. We didn’t speak later and he didn’t even send a message to check I was ok.

Am I expecting too much from a manager? I’m not expecting him to drop everything and hold my hand. Just some empathy, not literally hanging up on me.

You seem strangely reticent to say exactly why you were crying (did he cause it or is it just your situation?) but yes, in his shoes I'd have sent a follow-up message.

But literally no one has said men would or should be treated differently, in fact the views on what should have happened in this case itself are mixed. Therefore why bring it up if not to want some sort of gotcha/poor men?

Charming.

Not everyone can control tears in every situation. Genuinely, they can't.

Tears also don't mean you are not listening, not receptive and not taking accountability. They are just an automatic response to an emotion.

For example, I cry when I'm frustrated or angry. I had a situation in my job about 10 years ago and was discussing it with my then boss (I hadn't done anything wrong and he wasn't being unpleasant) The tears just started and I said to him 'please ignore the tears. I am fine and I am listening. I can't stop them, so please just pretend they aren't happening.' So he did and we carried on with the conversation. The fact that water was leaking from my eyes had absolutely no impact on the outcome of that discussion.

Maybe that's hideously unprofessional, but I couldn't stop it. I absolutely would if I could. I was so annoyed that it was happening.

I work in teaching and I have seen pretty much every colleague I have ever worked with crying at some point. It's because we care and are often set up to fail. Same as social work, really. Pressure can mount up and then one extra thing can just cause an overflow. I don't judge any of my colleagues for showing some feelings.

I don't see the moral superiority of holding that in at all. I'd rather someone let it out quietly and carried on with their day. Having a little weep is nothing like having a total collapse and having to stop work for the day. I don't see the harm.

Your allowed to cry! Don’t feel bad. If your meeting hadn’t gone as well as you hoped you are allowed to feel negative.
Sounds like he couldn’t handle those emotions. I hope he checks in on you today. If not maybe reach out to him and ask him how it made him feel. You both may be better prepared next time.

I'd like to understand more about what led to the crying to comment really.

I can see certain situations where I may not follow up to check someone was ok, but they'd be few and far between.

If someone was emotional, and they'd turned down the invitation to discuss further then yes, I'd end the call to let them compose themselves, but generally check in later if they wanted to dicuss anything further/were ok.

There are people I've worked with/ for for years who've never seen me cry. I have occasionally cried at work but it's been a handful of times over 30+ years. But we all have different thresholds and it sounds like you're very stressed about other things, which may mean you'll cry a bit more readily than you otherwise would.

I don't blame him for ending the call. A quick message later to reassure you might have been nice, but equally he may just have had a lot of other stuff to do so it wouldn't bother me that he hadn't. Unless there are serious welfare concerns, I don't think it's really necessary.

We have all cried in front of managers or colleagues. I know I have.
You are human. Ignore the sniping posts on here x

@ShakespearesBlister
The real question would be why is it happening at all? Unless you are suffering from a serious crisis where something dreadful has happened I'm more surprised you think a couple of times a year is not a lot? Are you an emotional person in general? Your manager must feel like he's walking on eggshells around you and scared to say anything in case you start crying. If you are genuinely this emotionally fragile can you not see why he may have decided you might not be able to cope with the extra workload a pay rise brings? In the kindest way, crying in front of your manager twice in a year for no other reason than you're just not hearing what you want to hear is probably not going to be considered very emotionally mature

Your post comes across as snide. I not someone that cries but I'm emotionally mature enough to understand that plenty of people do and that it's not something to be scared of. It's really not a big deal. If you look around a typical workplaces there are loads of different personalities. At least you know where you are with someone who cries, you could argue that its easier than dealing with employees who don't show their emotions. Is dealing with a sullen or angry employee any easier?
It's not professional or realistic to think you have to be constantly walking on eggshells around an employee just because they cry sometimes. I wouldn't but then I would hope I'm seen as a fair and kind manager by all employees.

As a manager I would ask if you are OK or refer it to HR to check back in with you.

However, dealing with your emotions are not part of his job description, as a human being he ay have checked back with you but not everyone is the same. Some people can not deal with that type of emotion.

I think you need to look at why you are getting upset. You say it means no pay rise, did you agree with the evaluation about your work. Where you upset at no pay rise? Do you think you deserve one. Then you need to put your comments down on paper and respond.

He just could not have left that call quicker. So the fact he didn’t followed up made me think he wants to just forget it happened so he doesn’t have to deal with it

Or perhaps just didn't want to pile more on you if you're already distressed?

When it's happened to me I've just said very gently "Don't worry - take the time you need and we'll continue this another day". If the employee chose to share or I already knew the issues I might check how they're doing, but otherwise I'd leave things alone rather than risk being seen to pry

You’re allowed to cry within reason, but equally you shouldn’t expect your boss to fawn over you to find out if you’re ok - it’s not kindergarten. You just need to compose yourself and get on with it. He’s not your therapist!

Context matters here, but you’re unwilling to say what you’re crying about. If you have cried before, your boss may think you’re a bit of an emotional basket case, but he obviously didn’t drag it out and left the call quickly, so I think that’s fair enough.

If the job makes you that miserable or you’re struggling, it’s on you to ask for more support or look for another job. It’s not on him.

Crying can be a way of controlling a situation and used to make someone else who has behaved perfectly reasonably feel bad. As others have pointed out, for every person who would like to be followed up on to see if they're okay, there will be equally as many who would like it to be ignored and never mentioned again. Crying is as complicated as any other manifestation of emotion. It may be spontaneous and authentic and it may not be.

The OP isn't going to say why they cried but it's pretty clear that it's due to performance issues. If they're a first-jobber and are fairly recently out of university where emotional support is available on-tap and tears guarantee attention and specialness, they need to understand that the working environment is different.

Best advice is to look for another job immediately. Management is sending a clear message — they want you to move on. So do it. Find somewhere better that pays more.

Checking back in - blimey, there are so many charming people (read: arseholes) on this thread, seriously lacking in empathy. As mentioned earlier in the thread, I manage people and I wouldn't dream of behaving that way to someone or not checking on their welfare. The wellbeing of staff is my number one priority, and crying at work is hardly unprofessional. It's not like she did it in an important external client meeting is it? It was just in a 1-2-1.

@souleyes I think you do need to sort this out with your manager. Could you send him a message and say you'd like to have a quick chat and feel a bit awkward about the other day. You can then explain why you got upset, but say that him ending the call abruptly made you feel worse - even if intentions may have been good. If he's a manager he needs to be able to cope with a conversation like this.

I've only cried once in front of a manager in my whole career and that's because she told me (off the record and in the toilets) that I was about to have a meeting to make me redundant and she wanted to give me a heads up because it was very unexpected. Twice in a year seems a lot to me but we're all different. Teams is an unusual situation, you do lose that personal touch and this proves it really. If you are in the office you can leave someone for a few minutes to compose themselves - difficult to do online.

I was someone’s line manager before I left to have DD, and she cried a couple of times during her performance reviews. I always checked in with her later (I could see at the end of the meeting that the minimal tears she had would have turned into full on crying if I had pursued it at that point and I know she wouldn’t have wanted that so I said to her that I’d check in later and I did). We had a calm chat both times about how I could help her sort the issues she was having (always work related) and she was totally fine after that chat both times - and her future performance reviews always went much better after those two.

No, you may have cried in front of managers and colleagues but many of us haven't.

"You’re allowed to cry within reason, but equally you shouldn’t expect your boss to fawn over you to find out if you’re ok - it’s not kindergarten. You just need to compose yourself and get on with it."

Agreed. Gently, he's your manager, it's nice to think he'd check back in to see if you're ok but it's really not his job, and that's the context for your meeting, your job. He left the call because you said you had nothing else to say, he may even feel he's doing you a face-saving favour by not bringing up that you were crying again!

I’ve been a people manager for 25+ years. The reduction of resilience in the workforce is real.

Teach your children to overcome disappointment and to problem solve. Stop smoothing the way for them and fighting their battles. Let them learn about consequences and following through! I know it’s hard, but you’re doing them a disservice otherwise.

My thoughts exactly. Twice in a year is a lot. Have a cry after the call if need be, but you should keep your emotions in check whilst on the call to your manager. Try and be a bit more professional.

What were you crying about?

It's not very professional.

I've cried several times for various reasons in front of my managers over the years and none of them have messaged to ask how I am after. Tbh I'm glad they didn't, I found it all hugely embarrassing and wanted to forget it.

How often do you pull the tears game at work? I am 60 and never felt the need.

Your manager remained professional. You should learn from him.

It's not his job to wipe your tears away. I'd be mortified if I cried at work.

I wonder if you’re confusing being worried about money and what you boss did or didn’t do?

It seems clear to me that he thought you wanted the call to end. I agree, a check in some time in the next couple of days would be appropriate from him.

I’d focus on looking for a better paid job or why you’re not getting a pay rise, more than feeling aggrieved that he didn’t say ‘there, there.’