I cried in front of my manager

[souleyes]

Over teams about my performance evaluation. He said he could see I was upset and did I have anything else to add. I said no (wiping away my tears) and he said ok speak later and left the call.

I wasn’t hysterical, but upset enough for physical tears. We didn’t speak later and he didn’t even send a message to check I was ok.

Am I expecting too much from a manager? I’m not expecting him to drop everything and hold my hand. Just some empathy, not literally hanging up on me.

As a manager, I would really need to know why you were crying.

If it was work related, as in poor performance , behavioural, attitude etc, I would be going down the route of "Sorry you're upset, I can see this conversation is difficult for you but unfortunately the situation needs to be addressed ".

If it was out of context and clearly nothing to do with the general conversation, I would be more inclined to offer a confidential ear so I could signpost you to more specific in and out of work support.

I imagine my current manager would be like this but he’s a dick in numerous ways and far from being a people person. I can’t imagine a member of my team crying and me not sending and email staying I’m here if they need to talk. Part of that talk might be me signposting to support but I’m shocked at the number of posters who don’t think managers have anything to do with staff well-being.

I'm curious how people's responses would change if this news was delivered to a male subordinate and he cried...

The real question would be why is it happening at all? Unless you are suffering from a serious crisis where something dreadful has happened I'm more surprised you think a couple of times a year is not a lot? Are you an emotional person in general? Your manager must feel like he's walking on eggshells around you and scared to say anything in case you start crying. If you are genuinely this emotionally fragile can you not see why he may have decided you might not be able to cope with the extra workload a pay rise brings? In the kindest way, crying in front of your manager twice in a year for no other reason than you're just not hearing what you want to hear is probably not going to be considered very emotionally mature.

Because that happens all the time in a male dominated workplace full of egos of course...

I think this one is a difficult one to call, because in his shoes I probably would have followed it up (and he might still - he might have chosen to let her have the day and do so today). But the OP also appears to have said that she didn't want to talk about it, so he might easily have taken her at her word. That might be a rather literal response on his part, but it doesn't make him a heartless beast either.

But equally, he probably has no control over the salary she is paid, nor the fact that she is, she says, paid below the industry standard. If she is already struggling so badly, and this lack of a pay rise is so seriously affecting her future, then I am afraid that looking for another job that pays what she expects / wants has to be a consideration. The employer hasn't just started paying below industry standard - they have been doing so for some time. So the OP has been accepting that situation. In the OP's shoes I would be focussing on what I do to change my circumstances rather than worrying about why a manager didn't check up on me. Then if it is the case that he's just a bad manager, it kills two birds with one stone - new job /more money, new manager.

I think it says a lot about his management skills, he's not going to be getting the best out of people he is managing unless he can support them. Some people will need more support and encouragement than others and at different times.

To call back later and ask if you are ok and need help improving moving forward etc would have shown his more mature side.

The reason he didn't call is he doesn't know how to handle the situation, which as a manager he needs to learn

And here we are with our first "what about the menz" poster.

Take a housepoint.

So you're saying men and women should be treated differently in the workplace because they respond differently?... interesting...

Or, like me and a lot of other managers, he was in back to back meetings all day that didn't finish until long after the OP finished for the day and he's going to follow up today?

We are talking about one version of events of a single incident entirely out of any context and judging his character and management skills based on that. It might make the OP feel better for everyone to have a pile in on him for his perceived failings, but it doesn't make all those judgemental attitudes true.

Actually this. I'm surprised to read about all this crying going on to managers.

But then I worked with someone who cried at work to get out of tasks she didn't want to do. So I probably don't have the most empathy. I think it doesn't belong in the workplace.

This totally sums up why zoom and online meetings are such a pile of shit.

You can’t genuinely help anyone through any kind of emotional process via this impersonal and distanced process.

I’m sure if this had happened in person it would have been a different situation.

Lol, ironically no... I am a guy but my wife actually posed that question. I typed it verbatim.

You've asked the question but you haven't gifted us with your thoughts- seen as though you brought it up in the hope of particular answers why not tell us?

But then I worked with someone who cried at work to get out of tasks she didn't want to do. So I probably don't have the most empathy. I think it doesn't belong in the workplace.

I seriously don't understand how you're an adult and don't know how crying works. 🤣🤣

I know how it works fine. I just don't think it belongs in the workplace. If that's makes me a bitch then that's OK. Some things needs to be privately processed. OP can talk to her manager when things are less raw.

OP I'm sorry that you're struggling and I hope that you have a better day today. This thread is frustrating though as in spite of numerous people asking, you are refusing to give any further context as to why you were crying. It's not people being nosy, it really does make a difference to understanding whether or not your manager was unreasonable. Some have jumped on the fact that you've said you're unlikely to get a payrise, but I read that as a response to a PP's observation that the current climate was tough, people are not getting payrises etc, am I right? And I'm sorry, but I do think that crying twice in front of a manager in one year is quite a lot, although again some context could help. I don't mean to have a go at you, but it would perhaps be more helpful to you to start a thread in the work topic rather than AIBU to talk about whatever issues were raised in your review, rather than focusing on what your manager did or didn't do about your crying. On the face of it his reaction isn't ideal, but focusing on this rather than the feedback that you got won't help you in the long term.

No. People should be treated differently in the workplace depending on their needs/personalities because that's how you get the best out of them.

Women are traditionally socialised not to get angry but that crying is more acceptable. The opposite is true for men. That doesn't mean all women cry all the time or men never do, but it makes it more likely that women will cry more than men and men will be angrier more often than women.

But anyway you're just shoehorning men into a conversation that's irrelevant about them. Poor deprived dears.

I worked with an absolute dickhead once. And even he sent me messages on Teams to make sure I was OK (I collapsed and when I regained consciousness I started to cry 😂!)

In fact, that day I opted to stay in work because he wanted to make sure I was OK and I'd be home alone.

The next day though - he was back to his asshole self. 😂

I think there's a lot of overthinking on this thread,

He's a man and many men are very uncomfortable with people showing emotions, especially women crying. In fact, every man I can think of who I am close to would be mentally trying to get a far away as possible in this situation. Even my dh who is a kind man acts really, really awkward when I cry - he literally just doesn't know what to do. He sometimes laughs as it makes him nervous!

I really don't think it's anything more complicated than that - he was embarrassed and probably thinks you are too Op and don't want to be reminded of it.

I’ve cried in front of a manager before and was mortified and extremely grateful that they never mentioned it again. I’d have absolutely hated them to get in touch again to want to have a follow up conversation about whether I was ok. Perhaps this is the way your manager’s mind leans too and they didn’t want to make it worse.

as someone who has been a line manager and worked in HR - whatever the context this was a poor way for him to handle it. That’s a separate question from whether what he said in your review was reasonable and fair, and whether someone outside the situation would think he was delivering a significant criticism or not. Many people find receiving feedback quite stressful and emotional regardless of the content. It’s fine to cry. We can’t tell from what you’ve shared whether what he said would count as substantial criticism which indicates that your employer has serious concerns that might lead to action or whether you just found it a bit difficult. If he’s not much good as a manager he may have been frightened that he had messed it up or that you would complain. If you have a trustworthy and competent HR department I’d consider asking for a chat but be clear at the end of the chat whether you want them to take it further or whether they leave it to you.

See my above post. I did not post the original question on whether men would be treated the same, my wife did. It was followed up by someone saying that men behave differently, so i asked a legitimate question of whether you think as a result, women should be treated differently in these situations (which sort of goes against equality, no?).
Your use of the word "gifted" implies a disparity/superiority, which was not introduced by me.

But if you want my opinion... both should be treated equally as bad news is universal.

I made no assumptions about your sex - that was your choice. The question is stupid because it assumes a level playing field which doesn't exist.

Men and women are not treated the same in the workplace, they are paid less, promoted less, more likely to suffer sex related discrimination either directly or indirectly.

I'm sure you know all this, so I'm left with the assumption that you are just trying to make a point utterly irrelevant to the OP (who btw, has not stated their own sex).

I know how it works fine. I just don't think it belongs in the workplace. If that's makes me a bitch then that's OK. Some things needs to be privately processed. OP can talk to her manager when things are less raw.

I don't know about 'bitch,' a bit of an idiot maybe just because most of us acknowledge that crying happens whether we want it to or not. Humans have emotions you see. Not sure if people like you and the manager in the OP should be working closely with them.