Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

You'd assume a happy, healthy looking kid who seemed emotionally well adjusted was neglected cos they have unruly hair and odd socks?

Mine are teens now but when they were little, I wanted them in clothes that could be thrown into the washer then tumbled when they inevitably got covered in food, muck etc. And wearing nothing unnecessary to minimise the stuff to deal with.

And here the crux of your mistake @WindowGazers , when the comments went from needy MC Mummy to shit WC Mum.

Middle class kids are allowed individuality, but WC kids should know their place. Conform, obey, keep in line with your head down.

Messy, unkempt hair, shorts in winter and odd socks should absolutely make adults consider whether or not a child is being adequately cared for. Would you not be concerned?

She said he refuses to wear trousers and jeans

Yes, but that he does wear tracksuit bottoms.

It absolutely isn’t. It’s an affectation. You do understand that children who wear odd socks often have parents who can’t be arsed to pair them and can’t be arsed to adhere to the bare minimum standards of hygiene and care for their children? Most don’t see it as a scintillating part of their ‘personality’ to wear odd socks

Well bless you for attempting to explain my own personality and childhood back at me, but as I've already said, my parent would pair the socks up, and I would unmatch them. Thank you, also, for telling me that my own choice to wear whatever the hell I like on my feet is an "affectation"; one could argue that any clothing choice consciously made by an adult is an attempt to impress someone, so I'm not entirely sure what point you're making.

A child of 10 is old enough to mainly look after their own hair.

Quite, and my two year old will brush her own hair (with help) before nursery, and still come home some days looking like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. It looks messy even straight after it's been brushed. She just has that kind of hair, and I will not damage it by using heat to make it seem more 'tidy' to judgemental adults.

Neglected children often are not shown how to look after themselves including hair care.

Yes, but the existence of unkempt hair in some neglected children does not mean that all children with unkempt hair are neglected. Obviously.

Why anyone would want their dear child to be running around looking like an uncared for waif I genuinely don’t know, but there appears to be a cohort that believes it makes them cool and interesting.

Has anyone said that they want their children to look uncared for? Kids sometimes look messy. That's life. I'd rather my child be running around and playing football than standing at the sidelines whipping out their hairbrush every five minutes.

You’ve got me completely the wrong way round. In my experience unkempt children are much more common in middle class circles where there is an acceptance of messiness in a way there simply isn’t in working class communities where people actually tend to want their children to look clean and neat. A messy child with odd socks would actually stand out far more in a working class schools. It’s nothing to do with expression.

He sounds great! It makes me very happy to see little boys in tutus and sparkles. We need to smash the limiting stereotypes around boys and girls' clothes. It's just daft.

My sons don't own tracksuits but not really sure a black tracksuit makes someone a goth?? . They do own black leggings. They own black tops. DH might pair them together. I prefer brighter colours. Hardly revolutionary

So you’d agree with me then it’s very rare to see a 4 year old dressed head to toe in black?

My point was a child dress out of the ordinary in a WC school is an area of concern. Therefore to not draw attention they must conform.

A MC child dressed out of the ordinary may be looked down upon as an attention seeking parent etc. but ultimately no one has SS on speed dial. They're free to do it just accept that some people don't like it.

I’m a bit on the fence about this one, but ultimately I agree with a PP in that he is expressing your sense of style not necessarily his own. I have 3 boys and one of them (6) loves pink, prefers hanging out with girls, has started to wear my makeup at home. He has seen me put it on and says he wants to look beautiful too. I wouldn’t let him wear it outside though. If I bought him a tutu aged 4 I’m sure he’d have worn it too. But I didn’t, and I wouldn’t, honestly. He is not really interested in clothes and I buy him simple staples from H&M and Gap - no dark colours (I hate that for boys) but nothing from the girls’ section either. You are the one buying the clothes for your son and so he is conforming to your ideals. I feel that long hair and feminine clothes on boys can sometimes be a mum’s way of saying: I have a gentle boy not a toxic masculinity type (if that makes sense!). Boys do get such a bad rap sometimes but I know so many sweet and lovely boys. I agree that clothing made specifically for boys sucks. You mention that the other kids don’t care what he wears at nursery - but trust me, soon enough they will and they do.

Only as much as it is in any block of colour, but you seem baffled how this kind of once I na lifetime event come come to happen.
If you're opening the cupboard doors and letting them pick themselves, it'll happen a lot more often.

It's hardly odd

Sorry, I find it strange that you're dressing a boy in tutus or that tutus are even part of his wardrobe. Maybe I'm not progressive enough but I would find it odd (I wouldn't say anything to you though).

Ignore them - they are narrow minded and old fashioned. Let him chose whatever he wants (within practical limits!)

It's part of the fallout from groups pushing very strict gender identifiers eg TRAs. They think if a boy wears red, a tutu, plays with a doll then it's a sign he's a girl It's completely regressive bullshit.
My DS wore whatever he wanted and played with whatever he wanted. As did all the DCs at his nursery.
Dress your DS however he wants. It's a good way of weeding out idiots. If people comment and care then give them a wider berth in future.

This! Boys wearing a tutu is 10 a Penny round where I live at the moment, mine are grown up now, it’s so contrived in most instances and totally coming from the parent (not in away way saying that’s the case with OP at all!) but here, it’s just ‘🙄 another totally free thinking tutu wearing boy? course it is. Behind 99% of those tutus is a mum following a trend. Same as it ever was.

I feel sorry for the children of some of the posters on this thread! Kids should be allowed to be kids!! Why does it matter what they wear? My ds rarely has a matching outfit on and he’s only 18 months old 🤷‍♀️ When he’s old enough I’ll be letting him pick out what he wants to wear too and if he wants a dress or a tutu or whatever is made ‘for girls’ then I don’t really see what the issue is. Clothes are clothes. As long as they’re warm, dry and comfortable that’s all that matters 🙄

No one is getting on the phone to social services because of a tutu. However I do think pupils in working class schools are just generally better presented, their parents do not want to have their children looks like waifs whereas in many middle class areas the children often look like they’ve been dragged through a bush. I think this is more to do with the standards adhered to within the communities themselves rather than imposed upon them.

I was just on the thread where a mum took her baby to a drag strip show and saw nothing wrong with that. So clearly I'm narrow-minded, but another poster said that some people are so open-minded that their brains have fallen out. I tend to agree with that.

If the child was clean, well fed, homework was always in on time, PE kit in on the right day, generally well organised, parents engaged, no

I’m not baffled but head to toe black is extremely rare for a four year old, wise up.

I think it’s so sad you think any old thing will do to chuck on your baby and don’t even bother to match them

A woman looked at my 2 week old baby last month and said "I assume it's a boy?" I said no, she's a girl, and she gave me a filthy look and said "so why is she wearing blue? Why would you do that?"

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't been there. Not that it matters, but the offending item was a grey knitted cardigan.

Some people are weird. Let your boy wear what he likes.

Well we can argue this one in circles. But I'd say its like growing up in a single parent family in the 80s when it still wasn't that common. We instinctively knew that we had to be better behaved, quieter, harder working so as not to have people looking down even more on us. Maybe the class thing is a bit chicken and egg. Less likely to be hushed if Daddy is a surgeon and Mommy is a GP then I'd you live in a council house and both parents are unemployed. So standards can be more lax so people expect it more so people notice it less etc

Weird parents would comment. My LO wore a full santa's elf costume to swimming (walked there) in July and no other parent batted an eye. Assumed they all thought the same - pick your battles with young kids!