Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

It drives me mad that clothes and toys seems to be so gender specific even at such a young age. Why can only girls wear brightly colored glittery items but boys have to wear plaid and navy? Why do girls have to wear tight leggings but boys can have nice fleecy joggers that are great for climbing and getting messy! Why can only girls paint their paint their nails or make beaded jewelry? Why can only boys play with trucks etc? In my household I have let the kids choose what they want to play and wear (within reason) which means that my boy plays with my little pony dolls sometimes and wears glitter butterflies and my girl plays with dump trucks and wears navy joggers to climb trees! I don't see anything wrong with that and if the grown ups have anything to say that is really their own issue!

Toddlers and small children don’t need matching clothing. That’s just a bit mad and controlling and obsessive about looks. Not a good thing for a parent to encourage.

I have a small boy with long hair. I don't really get the messy and in the way comments as we just tie it back, like I would a girl with long hair. He has a half up, half down most days. Doesn't stop him doing football, or swimming or gymnastics or climbing trees or anything 🙄.

He likes his long hair - when he goes for trims we always ask if he wants it cut short and he says no. He doesn't get to make many choices in life, so letting him choose how he has his hair seems like a nice way to give him some control.

Then why not bother to put him in a matching outfit??? That’s the easiest thing in the world to do???

If you see my previous comment you will see my boys wore all sorts.
They also picked their own clothes, I never commented negatively on their choices.
I didn’t make my twins wear matching outfits
Each to their own
When they started school they never commented on the uniform
When we went to a wedding or funeral they chose appropriate clothes for the occasion and if anything they were the smartest children there. Especially the funerals we ve been to.
At school they had to wear winged collars, not terribly comfortable…complaints…none of course.

They dress quite individually,they don’t follow trends. They are not obsessed with clothes and only get something if they need it.

A healthy attitude I think, because we never made a big deal about what people wear.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear,

I think @WindowGazers that you care very much what you wear and how other people react.

I'm not sure what extroverted clothing is ( not all extroverts wear clothes that scream LOOK AT ME!' although you seem to think they do.)
I think you need to educate yourself on what introverts and extroverts are, but that's another issue.

I suspect you choose clothing that attracts attention as it deflects from who you really are underneath (ie insecure.) It's easy for on lookers to focus on your loud clothing, rather than the shy person underneath it.

It's a bit like war paint. It's there as a barrier for you to hide behind.

You bought your son a tutu. You are clearly passing on your own issues to him - ie 'being noticed' - as you surely know that little boys don't wear tutus unless it's a dressing up session OR their parents have offered them one as an option.

In all seriousness, I think you ought to consider therapy for your own issues. Or at least understand why you like to attract attention by wearing clothes that people stare at.

Your child doesn't have the emotional intelligence to make those judgements yet.

Why don’t toddlers and small children need matching clothing? Most kids sets are sold as matching or mix and match tops and bottoms? It’s not controlling to not dress your baby in the first thing that comes to hand. I don’t understand why you don’t want your child to look nice especially when you have the match of the clothes. I wouldn’t expect my child to go out wearing mismatched garments and odd socks with messy hair when I absolutely would not go out like that myself.

what is extrovert clothing exactly? Please, enlighten me. I see that you think boys and girls shouldn’t confirm to stereotypes and yet you believe there’s such a think as an introvert and extrovert uniform?

I have a Very Serious Job in management consultancy / tech and I'm currently sitting at my desk WfH wearing a fox onesie, because a) it's cold and b) I like it (although the tail is a bit of a nuisance - I have to tuck it down the side of my office chair).

Obviously I do not have my camera on for calls nor do I wear it to client meetings.

However, I do wear bright colours and patterns in my daily and professional life and IT IS FINE. I'm also savvy enough to know when to tone it down and wear black to a funeral or whatever.

OP, your kid sounds like a lot of fun and I hope you continue to let him be himself.

I get what you're saying, and of course we all have opinions and preferences. I think this just goes to the core of many issues around parenting, for me - if someone does something differently from us, why is it wrong as such.

Obviously some things are "wrong", like if there's a safety or welfare issue, but this doesn't seem to be one of those times 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway thank you for answering me!

I don’t know what you mean by “mismatched”, then. I wouldn’t call striped top and a tartan skirt mismatched, for example. That’s fine by me. And I don’t think people buy children’s clothes in “sets” particularly. My DC’s clothing was generally second hand. Very little was bought new. Children aren’t dolls to be “dressed up”. Messy hair isn’t relevant to clothing.

were you that person that went out dressed as a dinosaur during the pandemic lockdown.
😀

what is extrovert clothing exactly? Please, enlighten me. I see that you think boys and girls shouldn’t confirm to stereotypes and yet you believe there’s such a think as an introvert and extrovert uniform?

I think she means clothing that screams 'Look at me!'

If someone likes the attention that brings, fair enough.

But it's usually because underneath it all, they are insecure. It's a 'cover up'. An 'all -over 'mask.

Literally.

You've been stopped in the street and asked "what on earth is mummy doing putting you in your sisters dresses..." are you in a BBC2 sit com from the 80's ? who talks like that?

Again, even if that's true, so what?

Say it's none of your business and walk away?

Where's the fire??

Clothing that doesn’t match. There is nothing about dressing your child in a nice way that says they are a doll to be dressed up, but as I say I wouldn’t send a child of mine out messy or looking like I just put the first thing I found on them because I wouldn’t go out like that myself.

Gosh, someone has admitted buying second hand , I was keeping that one quiet.
When a PP mentioned clothes come in matching sets I thought not in my world.

Prepare for some backlash there @daisypond

You bought your son a tutu. You are clearly passing on your own issues to him - ie 'being noticed' - as you surely know that little boys don't wear tutus unless it's a dressing up session OR their parents have offered them one as an option

I bought my dd a toy garage and set of cars. Do people surely know that little girls don’t play with cars unless their parents have offered them as an option?

young children can’t got to the shop and buy there own stuff. So everything a child has has been offered to them by a parent. You could say the same about girls and tutu’s, they will only wear them if a parent has bought one.

why shouldn’t parents buy things that offer their dc a wide range of activities, regardless of whether that thing is percieved to be “for girls” or “for boys”?

why should kids be restricted to activities associated with their gender? What exactly is wrong with a boy having a tutu or a girl having a toy tool set?

An elderly lady in a coffee shop stopped me as we left with our three boys and said
” how sad, can’t you make girls “.
( my MIL said the same. )

People feel entitled to be rude these days.

My middle son's favourite colour is pink. He's 4, almost 5. I've bought him loads of pink clothes, pink hat and gloves, pink wellies, pink ear defenders (he's autistic, hates loud noises), pink tablet cover. I've had some daft comments from people, like saying to him oh you must have put your sisters gloves on this morning. But I remember the look of absolute delight, the flappy hands and excited squeals, when I give him his new pink thing and I remember to ignore what other people think. It makes him happy and I truly don't know why it bothers anyone else.

Keep letting your son be himself OP. It's other people that need to change, not him. You're doing great.

Don't we all buy clothes for our children that reflect our own tastes and preferences? Should we buy a wider range of clothes, including things we don't like, to ensure that they are not affected by our choices?

Backlash for buying second hand??? What a bizarre viewpoint. For those of us not from a well off back ground probably 80% of my clothing was second hand, families shared clothes between and indeed neighbours also passed on old clothes between them. Guess what? If items were part of a set - a tracksuit or a skirt and jacket - they were passed on as a set, which my friends and family still do now. How out of touch to think this is innovative.

I was thinking that too! I get bundles of everything, luck of the draw 😂

Or, when the kids were younger, there might have been a matching set for five minutes in the morning, until one of the items got puked on (or worse) and had to be thrown in the wash.

In that situation I would hazard a guess that most people just change the bit that needs changing and get on with their day, rather than return to the armoire to find a whole new co-ordinated outfit, but maybe that's just how it works in my circles.

Because my child, as a toddler, is already getting messages that some things are “for boys” and others are “for girls”.

i don’t agree, and have raised them to think what they like is what they like, and the reason they like dolls and cars is not driven by their genitals.

i don’t need strangers in the street telling my child they can’t do x or y because they’re a girl. Or in the example I gave, that they must fit a certain criteria re. Appearance. In that case, because she had short hair a stranger thought it was ok to stop and lecture her about wearing a dress.

My ds when younger, liked to wear a lot of pink, occasionally other bright colours. He also liked wearing my dresses.
Now he's 17 and has gone beige on me. He buys his clothes from the female section. I'm glad that he doesn't wear black, but considering I like colours I'm disappointed in him😁

🙄
Did I say it was innovative?