Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

"part of me does roll my eyes a bit at parents who let their kids wear them all the time, whatever the setting, because as much as self expression is great, kids do also need to learn to dress appropriately*
Why? Children only want to do this for a very short time. Why not just let them be children and enjoy pretending.
Besides who can say what is it isn't appropriate? What we consider appropriate has changed a lot over the years. Personally as long as what someone is wearing isn't covered in offensive slogans and covers the person's body then I think it's appropriate.

A boy wearing a tutu isn’t really alternative fashion these days though. It’s pretty mainstream now.

Bit how else would DS have stressed up as the green one from the power puff girls?

@jays this thread would suggest otherwise

Why is it sad?

my mum would never let us out the house without prior approval, we’d be sent back to change if we didn’t match or she didn’t like our choice.

it was stifling as a child, and made us very conscious of “what other people think”. I found that very sad that choices are driven by other people.

as teens though it was fucking awful. You want to wear what your friends are wearing, but your mum doesn’t think DM’s, a leather jacket and a Laura Ashley dress “go”, and won’t let you out the house until you put “some nice sandals and a cardigan on”.

I took huge joy in watching my toddler pick their own outfits and show me the result. As young adults they have their own sense of style and are confident dressers, unlike me who never learned what actually went with what so wears black trousers and a black t-shirt every day.

So it's not something you see every day, why does it elicit such a strong reaction or lead yo u to labelling them as a goth? Instead of telling more open minded posters to wise up, how about being a little more open minded yourself

"Messy, unkempt hair, shorts in winter and odd socks should absolutely make adults consider whether or not a child is being adequately cared for. Would you not be concerned?*

No, because That describes several children I know and I can assure you they are extremely well cared for, loved and well adjusted
If the child was always dirty, covered in bruises, malnourished and displayed unusual behaviour then I would worry. But messy hair, shorts in winter and odd socks doesn't signify anything. Incidentally you can buy odd socks for children and some children can't cope with the feel of what they experience as scratchy trousers on their legs. Also some hair always seems to look messy even if if brushed 🤣

I was in JoJo Maman Bebe today. One side was racks of khaki & blue with tractors etc... The other was pink & pastel with flowers & bunnies. So fucking boring! Your son (and you) seem well-dressed to me. A lot of people like to live inside the box, in all sorts of ways.

It's bout any old thing though. She said it's warm, clean, practical, one assumes fit fur purpose. It's just the trousers aren't necessarily paired with the coordinating top. That's hardly the same as grabbing some wreck of a piece of clothing and putting your kid in it cos you can't be arsed to care for them

I've explained why over and over on this thread. Because they will soon have to wear uniforms, potentially attend formal events like weddings and funerals, and one day dress for work, and they won't get to pick what they wear.

In my opinion, a child that has always had total freedom over what they wear would be more likely to struggle with that than children who have been raised with some (not total) restrictions in that regard.

The first test of that will be school uniform, which is coming soon for a 4 year old kid. It's pretty common on here to see threads about children who don't want to wear their uniform. Personally, I'd prefer to prepare them for that transition.

its not something personally that I would purchase or have sitting around as an option for my 4 year old boy to wear. As a former professional ballet dancer, I can confirm the male dancers did not wear a tutu either!

my opinion, a child that has always had total freedom over what they wear would be more likely to struggle with that than children who have been raised with some (not total) restrictions in that regard.

Interesting but the opposite has been the case in my experience.
My children never had to wear uniform at school they have always been allowed to choose their clothes and have never had the slightest problem understanding what is not appropriate wear. Some of their friends who went to schools with strict uniform codes found it much harder to work out what to wear when eventually given a choice.
I have GC now and as toddlers they were allowed to wear what they wanted including wearing dressing up outfits to go out. They do go to a school with a uniform and have absolutely had no problem accepting that.

Ok but even if you're right, and children who've had choices will struggle with uniform, isn't that then simply a case of the parent choosing when to have that battle with their kid?

So e.g. you've chosen potentially to have the battle early and not let them wear Elsa dress on the bus or whatever, in the hope that it will make it easier for you later. Another parent has presumably decided to say yes to Elsa and that they will cross the uniform bridge when they come to it, as they think that will be easier/work better for them overall.

Both valid choices, just as we all make parenting decisions every day. What I'm not seeing is why you judge those parents negatively? Presumably you don't do everything in exactly the same way as everyone else, so why are you rolling your eyes?

Your son's wardrobe choice was picked, approved and encouraged by you

I find this curious. I haven't picked, encouraged or approved of most of the things my kids wear. I take them shopping and point them at stuff I do approve of and then 9 out of 10 times they ignore me for the stuff they like. For Ds (8) this is currently mostly jeans, rugby shirts and gaming branded stuff although it has to be blue, green, red, black or occasionally pink. If it was up to me, tracksuit bottoms would purely be for sport and there wouldn't be a gaming logo in sight. For dd (4) it's pink, red, gold, silver, cream and pale green, sparkly, shiny or glittery. I'd prefer more primary colours, less glitter and way more leggings/trousers outside softplay, sport and outdoors. By age 2, she had clear opinions and mostly refused to wear her brother's hand me downs. She more often that not emerges fully dressed from her room in a morning. I send her back upstairs if she's say trying to wear a princess dress to forest school or 3 cardigans on top of each other as she did this morning but mostly what you see is what she wants to wear. She's gone to preschool this morning in a dress which was most definitely intended for parties but the staff know I won't care if it comes home covered in paint/mud/playdough.

At what point is it normal to allow them to choose? Looking at photographs of my childhood, I think it's a safe bet I was allowed to choose my own clothes from a relatively young age and mostly definitely when Dad was in charge.

This is beautiful and makes me wish that kids could stay with their personalities unsuppressed forever.

My main thought is if you don't care what people think of how you dress (which is correct and you shouldn't) why do you care if they care about the way your son dresses?

There's a disconnect there and only you know the answer because your son is 4 and isn't phased I'm sure (rightly) so what is it in you that feels bothered by this?

If an adult gives a second look to anything at all a kid is wearing, so what?

We aren’t talking tutu’s in the ballet sense though.

these are more like layered net skirts with an elasticated waistband that can be worn over normal clothes.

I think mine had a couple- one in a tinker bell dressing up kit someone bought them, one in a bag of hand me downs, and one grandparents bought.

and no male ballet dancers don’t wear tutu’s, but I don’t see little boys wandering around in ballet tights either. It’s dress up, they’re swirly and often sparkly, they’re fun. That’s all.

Ok but even if you're right, and children who've had choices will struggle with uniform, isn't that then simply a case of the parent choosing when to have that battle with their kid?

Yes, I respect that, hence why I said I'd think nothing of it if I saw it occasionally or as a one off, but if I knew a child who was always dressed like this, I might think on it a little more.

Both valid choices, just as we all make parenting decisions every day. What I'm not seeing is why you judge those parents negatively? Presumably you don't do everything in exactly the same way as everyone else, so why are you rolling your eyes?

Rolling my eyes was a clumsy turn of phrase really, I don't literally roll my eyes, I'm talking internally. I wouldn't say I judge them negatively but I don't think there's anything strange about thinking I disagree with the approach they have chosen to take. If we didn't all broadly believe the way we have chosen to parent is the best way, why would we even bother to think about different approaches and choose what we think is best? It's no different from someone thinking they wouldn't choose to let their 4 year old have a dummy, or sleep train their baby. I'm not going to apologise for (quietly) having an opinion on the subject, it's natural.

It’s called slightly humorous over exaggeration. I don’t actually think a 4 yr old is a goth. I am open minded I just dislike parents living through their children and messy looking kids with zany get ups

Because these adults tend to be vocal and disapproving in front of the child.

they can judge all they like, but there’s no need to stop my child on the street and ask her what on earth is mummy doing putting you in your sisters dresses, and you want to be dressed like a proper boy, don’t you?

they inflict their opinions on that child. That child will pick up on it. That’s the problem and what always used to bother me about it.

It’s sad because you can’t take two seconds to find a matching piece of clothing. It’s sad because you were stifled as a child and now take it out on your own child.

Yes, I respect that not all children will struggle with uniform as a result.

In the same way that not ALL children develop attachment issues from sleep training, to state a random example.

Yet it's valid for people to refuse to entertain the latter because you think it MIGHT cause that.

There's also a bit of confirmation bias going on with people on this thread sharing their stories of letting their children dress however they want and it having no ill effect. It turning out that way for you will likely make you someone that feels strongly this was the right path. You do also hear a lot elsewhere about children who DO struggle to wear things they haven't chosen. My opinion is influenced by those stories, too.

But why…? He is having an amazing childhood, we’re out 5/6 days a week at toddler classes, soft play, swimming, stay and play, parks, play dates ect. and he is so confident, independent and happy. The fact that he is wearing a Green jumper with purple pants or dinosaur pants with a cocomelon t-shirt makes no difference to his day 😂

Not really, the majorly suggest it’s ten a penny now. Won’t be long before Next are selling tutu’s in ‘the boys section’. Then miraculously boys won’t ‘choose’ to wear them anymore.

Plus ça change ... I was asked if I had sent my son to playgroup in a "clown costume" (I hadn't!) - 38 years ago!!!