Is it ever OK to say "pull yourself together" these days?

[Spacecrafty]

My DH struggles with his MH. I think. He doesn't get any help or have a diagnosis- but he has times of anxiety for sure. Sometimes when I'm knee deep in nappies and trying to cook dinner and I've just done a full day's work and I see him staring at the floor all vacant or he says he can't "cope with bedtime tonight" or he just goes mute for a day at the weekend....I just think "bloody pull yourself together man"

My mum was very harsh with me growing up. If I was upset or ill she'd always tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. I have the same instinct, the same desire to tell him to snap out of it and give me a hand.... but I guess in this more enlightened age about mental health - it's a totally unreasonable and unkind response isn't it? It's v hard to remain empathetic at all times.

What do people think?

I am the same. I know it's not always possible for people but I do think sometimes it's a cop out for feeling a bit overwhelmed or a bit stressed.

I've had a shit day with no one taking any ownership in work for when things go wrong and no one willing to do anything to commit to fixing anything. I'm just wiped out with it.

I think you've every right to be pissed off if he just expects you to cope with everything whilst refusing to see a doctor and get some treatment.

He does need to pull himself together, that probably involves getting some pills and seeking help.

No.... for this be the age of woke snowflakery, don't you know??!

It was never 'OK' to say that, but it was more common of course. People were harsher.

If you haven't been treated with empathy it is hard to be empathetic, unless you do quite a bit of work on yourself.

The only caveat is if you genuinely think he's taking the piss! But if he has MH issues, then saying 'pull yourself together' would be avtwatty thing to say.

My DH has struggles with his MH but we have an agreement that when his mental health declines he needs to do something about it such as seeking treatment/support. We had the chat a very long time ago where I explained that I will support him and I will help him, I will pick up the slack short term if he's unable to but I will not carry him long term and if he doesn't seek treatment then he won't be able to live here because it's not fair on me or the DC.

Expecting you to struggle on with almost all of the parenting load while not taking any steps to improve his mental health is a dick move. Maybe it's time to have your own chat with him about it?

Well the way you've described his issue it just comes across that he can't be arsed/can't face the relentless drudgery of raising young kids. But maybe he has other symptoms?

Anyone who uses the words "snowflake" and "woke" is automatically not worth listening to.

Quite true!

I will probably get flamed for this, but I do think that whilst it’s great that MH is talked about more, and that having a MH issue isn’t as stigmatised, I do think possibly people tend to go to that diagnosis (or self diagnosis) too quickly. Obviously many, many people have issues and they should absolutely get the help they need.

BUT I think in SOME cases people have forgotten that life is not linear, it’s normal to feel anxious/worried/scared/frustrated some of the time, these are normal emotions. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have a MH issues per se.

I also think that in SOME cases you can ‘pull yourself together’. I had an extremely low period in my life many years ago when I seriously found it difficult to get up and face the day, I was on the floor with exhaustion (job/training) and I genuinely felt like I couldn’t hold it together. I have no doubt that if I’d gone to a dr I’d have been diagnosed with depression, signed off work and probably started on medication. But I didn’t want to go down that route and I basically dragged myself through that time and was ok. Completely fine now.

Also, as so many MH issues are caused by a difficult life, I think it’s so important so understand that if you are depressed because you can’t afford to feed and clothe your kids or put the heating on, or pay for the bus home, a pill isn’t the answer. Looking at improving people’s situations is.

That's the thing at times, sometimes or most of the time giving up is not an option, so it's then it's modify , adapt and overcome

I will get absolutely slammed for this opinion, but ….

Positive begets positive. Negative begets negative.

The people who do make every to pull themselves together, even when it’s hard, and even when they might not fully, actually pull themselves together, end up doing better because they build their resilience, which builds their self-esteem, which makes it more likely they’ll be able to ‘pull themselves together’ next time.

The people who wallow and make no effort whatsoever to pull themselves together just reinforce the idea in their own head that they’re not capable and they can’t cope. So they don’t even try to ‘pull themselves together’.

Sorry, OP. That sort of behaviour - when you’re carrying the full load - would drive me to seething, unhealthy resentment, and I’d lose so much respect for my ‘partner’.

Was about to try and write something along these lines but this is much wiser from someone going through it. He has to take some responsibility for helping himself, it's just sustainable to just always expect you to carry him as a parent.
I think these days 'pull yourself together would probably get thrown back in your face as evidence as what an unfeeling person you are! Don't blame you for thinking it though!

My support worker told me to pull myself together. Sometimes it's needed. She wasn't being harsh, it helped when I was panicking over simple things

Totally agree with @SomersetONeil

If the man is suffering with his mental health and needs help and is not getting it I guess it is harsh..

If he is sitting there moaning about how he can't cope with bedtime while watching me running around like a headless chicken I would certainly FEEL like saying it.

This. There’s no ‘sliding scale of bad’ any more, just ‘your feelings are equal/valid’. Errrr no they’re not. It’s much better for minor to moderate MH issues to stay busy, exercise, distract yourself than it is to draw the curtains and lie in bed ruminating over things. But 🤷🏼‍♀️ if you suggest it you get told off for ‘invalidating someone’s feelings’.

Literally just had this conversation with my partner!
I know people have issues but if I hear one more (undiagnosed) person speaking about how they cant get anything done because they 'disassociate' when stressed or cant perform simple tasks they do every other day because their "anxiety is flaring up today" I'll scream.

If you are getting help for your issues, fantastic, how can I support you? But if you're just pissing and moaning about life and self diagnosing, I dont want to know.

he doesn't get to "not cope" with bedtime. It is not a big thing, it is a daily routine

MH difficulties are not a free pass to abdicate responsibility for oneself.

He has chosen to take on the responsibilities of family life, and in doing so will sometimes need to pull himself togeter and manage/endure his difficulties because things need doing and he has a responsibility to do them not just let them all fall onto you.

It is one thing to be sympathetic to somebody in a crisis, or somebody who requires reasonable accomodations in order to manage their MH issues, but if he is not even attempting to find/use coping strategies and instead thinks MH is an excuse to do whatever he pleases and expect you to handle the consequences then that is not OK and not about having MH difficulties, it's just being a selfish dick.

The thing is- people do this because they can. If he had a house and kids to run on his own then he would have to crack on with it and pull himself together and stop staring at the walls. I say this as a single mum of 3 SEN kids- I don’t have the option of staring at walls or not speaking to people- I have to get on with it bad day or not.

I feel that fair too many cop out and assume that they have mental health issues when their problems really aren't that deep.

Real mental health issues can be debilitating and life altering. It shouldn't be used as a blanket term for having a few worries.
Everyone has a few worries.

This is nonsense.

People who carry on often suffer from burnout, depression and, sadly, suicide.

The clinical evidence is that an approach of 'pull yourself together' is harmful.

Resilience comes from bouncing back, not ploughing on.

@Iam4eels didn't mean to be flippant - I meant it totally ironically.

My honest reaction to the OP? yes - and no.

The variation in problems people face is so huge. Some people are brave in the most difficult of situations - others have it easier and are possibly overreacting. I try and adopt the mantra to be kind 'cos everyone we meet is fighting a hard battle we know nothing about ..

Your DHs behaviour sounds like a particularly manipulative form of strategic incompetence

That's a good mantra to be fair