Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Is it ever OK to say "pull yourself together" these days?

167 replies

Spacecrafty · 06/03/2023 19:34

My DH struggles with his MH. I think. He doesn't get any help or have a diagnosis- but he has times of anxiety for sure. Sometimes when I'm knee deep in nappies and trying to cook dinner and I've just done a full day's work and I see him staring at the floor all vacant or he says he can't "cope with bedtime tonight" or he just goes mute for a day at the weekend....I just think "bloody pull yourself together man"

My mum was very harsh with me growing up. If I was upset or ill she'd always tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. I have the same instinct, the same desire to tell him to snap out of it and give me a hand.... but I guess in this more enlightened age about mental health - it's a totally unreasonable and unkind response isn't it? It's v hard to remain empathetic at all times.

What do people think?

OP posts:

butterfliedtwo · 08/03/2023 11:23

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/03/2023 20:02

From your title, probably not but imo that is why the world is going to shit. Not enough people telling others to pull themselves together and pussy footing around them incase of hurting feelings. I'm not one of those people and if someone I love needs to get a grip ill tell them.

Agree with this.

whumpthereitis · 08/03/2023 11:28

garlictwist · 07/03/2023 04:48

My other half says this to me when I wallow and feel down. And actually I find it helpful. Whilst it would be nice for him sometimes to say "there there", it makes me realise I just need to get on with life and sitting there feeling sad isn't going to change things.

I do think a practical, no-nonsense approach to depression can actually be better than encouraging the wallowing personally.

Same. I’m someone that definitely benefits from ‘get yourself the fuck together’. ‘Empathy’ and coddling I find frustrating and unhelpful, whereas the proverbial kick up the ass acts as a reset.

‘Pull yourself together’ has a place, imo. It’s dependent on the individual.

butterfliedtwo · 08/03/2023 11:33

Same. I’m someone that definitely benefits from ‘get yourself the fuck together’.

Me too. I have a friend that pulled me up out of a low place once by saying just that. There's a time and place.

pleasestoprainingplease · 08/03/2023 13:29

Ohh im definitely with you on this one. I think it's such a personal thing being on whatever side you are. It's so so hard to be the one staying positive when you're being dragged down yourself and absolutely all house and childcare falls on you. So so hard to be sympathetic ongoing. If it was a moment and he needed a little help to get better then totally and Im all for being supportive. But there is a time when your own health starts to deteriorate and all you do is end up resenting them!! especially when they do sod all to get the help and it's been years. I am sympathetic to you. And I often wonder if we split up will I be the evil one who left someone with Mh issues.... I bet I would

tothelefttotheleft · 08/03/2023 14:21

Marblessolveeverything · 07/03/2023 09:40

While I appreciate your frustration and the unfairness of the situation telling him to pull himself together wont help and probably will add to his self narrative.

But, and it is a huge big but - if he wants your continued support he has to engage with support - doctor, talking therapy, well being actions exercise, medication etc. You have not the ability to cure or overcome his illness - only he can and if he doesn't engage then sadly you need to decide what your limit is.

Mental health issues are horrendous to those with them and those who support them. After having to section my exdh four times, and spending years juggling full time work, pretty much full time children and listening to everyone tell me how brave he was admitting MH issues (while refusing to actually engage in any treatments) I eventually had to step away for my own and our children's mental health - I hope your DH engages as with help it is manageable.

I engaged with a local support groups for families with those with MH issues and I found it so helpful to actually feel I was not alone. It also gave me the strength to set my boundaries. It might an idea for yourself?

What happened when you could no longer support him?

Anyotherdude · 08/03/2023 14:49

I don’t think it has ever been OK for anyone to say this to someone else! Growing up in the 1960’s, with parents who had lived through the privations of WWII and rationing, it was a phrase I heard often - but crucially - only in the context of someone relating a situation about themself, when they had to pull themself together to get through that situation.
I think for it to be used towards another person was always perceived as a form of bullying/nastiness. So sorry for any who have found themselves being told this - it’s plain nasty.

anonymous98 · 08/03/2023 15:40

I'm not sure how I feel.

This was probably the wrong thread for me to be reading. I've been had 'mental health problems' since childhood but have remained pretty functional up until recently. I've been given lots of labels, most of which aren't helpful. I've tried medication, some of which is extremely helpful and some less so. It's definitely true that everyone has some kind of mental condition these days, which arguably minimises what it's like to be really, genuinely mentally ill. I do find myself resenting people who have self-diagnosed anxiety/depression/dissociation etc. yet still manage to function well. Equally, I hesitate to call myself mentally ill because there are people with conditions such as schizophrenia who are suffering much more than I am.

I've had some kind of breakdown in the last few months. I want so badly to pull myself together: to be able to work, see my friends and leave my home without panic kicking in. I'm terrified of losing my job and having no money. My brain constantly convinces me that I'm ill, or that something really awful with happen when I leave home. It's exhausting and makes everyday things, such as going to the office or a supermarket incredibly hard. I'm trying to keep going with therapy, to trust my doctors, to take my medications. It's quite scary to go from someone who could overcome their mental limitations to someone who is completely controlled by them.

Equally, I'm aware that my problems make life stressful for people around me. I can definitely see the other side of the situation.

anonymous98 · 08/03/2023 15:41

It's annoying and frustrating to be tiptoeing around someone else's problems all the time.

Quisquam · 08/03/2023 15:50

Nobody else can fix you. You have to fix you.

How do you fix something like OCD; or a personality disorder, especially a self destructive one like borderline personality disorder? There is DBT; but it’s quite hard to get?

ponyinmud · 08/03/2023 19:32

I think that yes, "pull yourself together" is probably considered offensive these days.

I have to say, the people I see that "can't cope" are very protected in their MC bubble and supported by parents who perhaps enable/prolong this attitude.

I see it occasionally in my friends husbands/partners, it's very rare, and I have to say it's not really tolerated.

It has lead to divorce because I don't think the type of friends I have as willing to sacrifice their own happiness and the ambitions they have for their children to grow up with actively interested parents who the children can rely upon to prop up someone who has become a stranger to them.

I don't think I've ever seen it from a mother of my generation.

I would question why one adult should long-term sacrifice their quality of life for another adult, and what the benefit of this is. Short term, completely different and I would expect in a long relationships this could potentially be the situation at one or more points and a reason/benefit of being a long term relationship.

So I do wonder if the supportive system around people does dictate how much they get to opt out.

I've definitely had my own difficulties and struggles (I'm ND which has had a big impact on my life) but I was born into a family where no one could be relied upon to support me (lots of MH/ND) so I'm not unsympathetic, but this is my personal observation from my little corner of the world.

itsabigtree · 08/03/2023 19:38

There are probably better ways to communicate it to him but basically yeah he needs to pull his weight with the kids, mental health problems or not.
I know SO many mothers with anxiety and/or depression, and they have to just get on with it, because women don't have the choice, whereas men can choose to opt out.

Wolfiefan · 08/03/2023 20:39

If people have truly serious depression or MH problems then they actually can’t just get on with it. It’s so offensive when people think you can simply decide to be well and it’s all fine and dandy.
No one should be self diagnosing.
Anyone who suspects they have MH issues should be getting a proper diagnosis and treatment. But that takes time and sometimes a bloody awful lot
of effort.
Honestly? Some of the responses on here help to explain why some people feel suicide is the only way to escape their life and judgment.

oldwhyno · 08/03/2023 20:48

Yes it’s fine.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/03/2023 21:48

Quisquam · 08/03/2023 15:50

Nobody else can fix you. You have to fix you.

How do you fix something like OCD; or a personality disorder, especially a self destructive one like borderline personality disorder? There is DBT; but it’s quite hard to get?

Well, obviously not all MH conditions can be cured but that doesn't mean you can't do things to help improve your situation.

Therapy and medication, while sometimes hard to access, can be really beneficial in the long term.

Having a MH condition doesn't mean that you can just refuse to get help and expect everyone else to make allowances for you. And I know it's bloody hard because I've been there, but help is out there - you just have to make that first step.

ponyinmud · 08/03/2023 23:32

Quisquam · 08/03/2023 15:50

Nobody else can fix you. You have to fix you.

How do you fix something like OCD; or a personality disorder, especially a self destructive one like borderline personality disorder? There is DBT; but it’s quite hard to get?

You can be a good enough parent though?

If not, maybe the best thing all round is not to be full time living with your children if you aren't able to contribute to their upbringing?

Yes this is harsh, and this is only my personal opinion having been brought up in a family where one parent (Dad) opted out of family life but also was a drain on the family resources and my DM energy/time/her own MH

Fansandblankets · 08/03/2023 23:39

SomersetONeil · 06/03/2023 19:45

I will get absolutely slammed for this opinion, but ….

Positive begets positive. Negative begets negative.

The people who do make every to pull themselves together, even when it’s hard, and even when they might not fully, actually pull themselves together, end up doing better because they build their resilience, which builds their self-esteem, which makes it more likely they’ll be able to ‘pull themselves together’ next time.

The people who wallow and make no effort whatsoever to pull themselves together just reinforce the idea in their own head that they’re not capable and they can’t cope. So they don’t even try to ‘pull themselves together’.

Sorry, OP. That sort of behaviour - when you’re carrying the full load - would drive me to seething, unhealthy resentment, and I’d lose so much respect for my ‘partner’.

Exactly this. My mum was the same as your mum and I’m the same with my kids. I’m sympathetic when I need to be with my children but don’t pander to them.

XanaduKira · 08/03/2023 23:54

Totally agree as well @SomersetONeil and @Fansandblankets

The problem I find is that as I'm like that, I end up lumbered with all the shit (at least in work) as others need time / space / to look after their MH!

I've now started saying 'please don't forget about my mental health' and 'I need to look after my mental health too' as it pisses me right off!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7