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Original poster

Is it ever OK to say "pull yourself together" these days?

167 replies

Spacecrafty · 06/03/2023 19:34

My DH struggles with his MH. I think. He doesn't get any help or have a diagnosis- but he has times of anxiety for sure. Sometimes when I'm knee deep in nappies and trying to cook dinner and I've just done a full day's work and I see him staring at the floor all vacant or he says he can't "cope with bedtime tonight" or he just goes mute for a day at the weekend....I just think "bloody pull yourself together man"

My mum was very harsh with me growing up. If I was upset or ill she'd always tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. I have the same instinct, the same desire to tell him to snap out of it and give me a hand.... but I guess in this more enlightened age about mental health - it's a totally unreasonable and unkind response isn't it? It's v hard to remain empathetic at all times.

What do people think?

OP posts:
Borgonzola · 06/03/2023 19:55

I'm struggling with my MH at the moment and my partner is completely unempathetic. I'm trying my hardest with it but I'm starting to hate him and I'm considering leaving him. So. That's one view.

FourTeaFallOut · 06/03/2023 19:55

Would it be too obvious / passive aggressive to leave a book on stoicism lying around the house?

EddieHoweisMYmanager · 06/03/2023 19:56

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say either seek help or I’m not validating this situation. Either he has a legit issue or he doesn’t. I understand that MH provision is poor but I’d want to see he was doing everything he could in order to stay/get well.

Anxiety, fear etc as a pp says are normal emotions that have been pathologised to an extent, he doesn’t get to weaponise that against you and opt out.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 06/03/2023 19:57

So what would happen if you also decided you 'can't cope with bedtime tonight' or feeding your DCs or working or all the numerous things you do to keep things going? He can say this because he has a choice knowing that you will carry the load while he flakes around staring vacantly at the floor. I would be probably loose it and tell him to pull himself together.

WonderingWanda · 06/03/2023 19:58

Sort of. I think it would be reasonable to expect him to either be able to pull himself together or if that isn't possible then t9 actually seek some professional help in dealing with his mental health issues.

SomersetONeil · 06/03/2023 19:59

carriedout · 06/03/2023 19:53

This is nonsense.

People who carry on often suffer from burnout, depression and, sadly, suicide.

The clinical evidence is that an approach of 'pull yourself together' is harmful.

Resilience comes from bouncing back, not ploughing on.

Show quote history

If you think that resilience comes from just one, isolated thing, then you’ll forgive me if I don’t give too much credibility to your opinion.

IneedanewTV · 06/03/2023 19:59

early30smum · 06/03/2023 19:44

I will probably get flamed for this, but I do think that whilst it’s great that MH is talked about more, and that having a MH issue isn’t as stigmatised, I do think possibly people tend to go to that diagnosis (or self diagnosis) too quickly. Obviously many, many people have issues and they should absolutely get the help they need.

BUT I think in SOME cases people have forgotten that life is not linear, it’s normal to feel anxious/worried/scared/frustrated some of the time, these are normal emotions. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have a MH issues per se.

I also think that in SOME cases you can ‘pull yourself together’. I had an extremely low period in my life many years ago when I seriously found it difficult to get up and face the day, I was on the floor with exhaustion (job/training) and I genuinely felt like I couldn’t hold it together. I have no doubt that if I’d gone to a dr I’d have been diagnosed with depression, signed off work and probably started on medication. But I didn’t want to go down that route and I basically dragged myself through that time and was ok. Completely fine now.

Also, as so many MH issues are caused by a difficult life, I think it’s so important so understand that if you are depressed because you can’t afford to feed and clothe your kids or put the heating on, or pay for the bus home, a pill isn’t the answer. Looking at improving people’s situations is.

Where I work everyone suffers from anxiety, frazzled, etc etc. Seems worse now than ever before.

SeulementUneFois · 06/03/2023 19:59

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 06/03/2023 19:53

Your DHs behaviour sounds like a particularly manipulative form of strategic incompetence

This OP.

Kitchenette · 06/03/2023 20:01

MH difficulties aren’t a free pass to opt out of things you don’t fancy. How would he react if you announced you couldn’t cope with bedtime? Would he step up? I think it’s a bit rough on you that you’re expected always to be the one who is capable.

So while I wouldn’t use your mum’s language, her sentiment isn’t a bad one. Perhaps you could tell him it’s an opportunity to develop his resilience?

carriedout · 06/03/2023 20:01

SomersetONeil · 06/03/2023 19:59

If you think that resilience comes from just one, isolated thing, then you’ll forgive me if I don’t give too much credibility to your opinion.

Show quote history

I don't think it comes from 'one thing' (no idea what made you imagine that), but it sure as hell doesn't come from being told, or telling oneself, to 'pull yourself together'.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/03/2023 20:02

From your title, probably not but imo that is why the world is going to shit. Not enough people telling others to pull themselves together and pussy footing around them incase of hurting feelings. I'm not one of those people and if someone I love needs to get a grip ill tell them.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 06/03/2023 20:04

I also think yes and no .
ivd known people who really have struggled with mental health one friend in particular would regularly threaten suicide and he actually ended up in prison for a short time , thankfully he turned a corner. to say to him pull yourself together who not be any help quite the opposite.
but yes I do know people who say my mental health is suffering today , it’s often excuse to do nothing , we do all have bad days and I’ve had days where I wanted to cry and shut the world away but it’s not a option I can’t .

RunTowardsTheLight · 06/03/2023 20:04

I wouldn't actually use the phrase "pull yourself together". But I would also not give him a free pass to opt out of kids bedtime. I'd say "ok, well I need your help right now, then you can have time to decompress after bedtime".

SomersetONeil · 06/03/2023 20:05

carriedout · 06/03/2023 20:01

I don't think it comes from 'one thing' (no idea what made you imagine that), but it sure as hell doesn't come from being told, or telling oneself, to 'pull yourself together'.

Show quote history

You said resilience comes from ‘bouncing back’…?

Resilience is bouncing back. Some people are more or less capable of doing that, and it’s a range of things that builds the ability to do that.

Stepping up instead of just opting out builds one’s ability to do bounce back, even if the stepping up isn’t done perfectly, or even every time.

getafringenotbotox · 06/03/2023 20:05

@early30smum your post is spot on for me.

Original poster
Spacecrafty · 06/03/2023 20:06

Tonight....the kids kept showing him their pictures from school and I kept having to say "DH, Bobby is showing you something" as he was staring at the floor. I definitely think he does have anxiety. He went to a therapist a couple of times and explained that he has invasive thoughts and he feels unable to focus on life in front of him

I do give lots of support. I said no more takeaways for the whole of 2023 (we used to have one every weekend) and all that money can go into therapy pot for DH. But it's March now and he hasn't done anything

Anyway...I do also think I might not be a sympathetic person. My parents definitely were not. I just want to grab him and say "everything is fine, nice house, healthy kids" just enjoy it! But that's not how MH works is it??

Sometimes he looks so depressed it makes me angry...because this life is enough for me and I resent that its not for him.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 06/03/2023 20:12

Oh I would definitely say " Pull yourself together" in this case.

Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 06/03/2023 20:14

My fucking mother was one of those people who persisted in the "pull yourself together" and "all you have to do is..." camp. Until she started her own course of antidepressants, then I got "you should take a low dose all the time, that works for me." Together with the previous 2 statements. If it was that easy I would be a healthy, well adjusted, non agoraphobic woman by now.
As for your OH it sounds like he just doesn't want to do the kids bedtime. If he was bothered by his "crap" mental health he'd trot to the doctors for help.

Grimbelina · 06/03/2023 20:20

Your husband only really has two choices: to attempt to change how he is feeling (go to therapy/ get anti-d's etc.) or yes, just pull himself together and get on with it. He can't abdicate responsibility for both taking care of himself and the children. It just isn't fair on you or the children. I say that as someone with physical and mental health challenges.

RemoteControlDoobry · 06/03/2023 20:22

I say it to myself. I think it’s ok to fall apart for a few days but there comes a point where I have to put a plan in place (exercise, self help books etc) and pull myself up out of the downwards spiral. This is a constant cycle for me though and I can never stay motivated. At some point you have to decide to stop dwelling and try to get on with life….there is definitely an addictive quality to negative thinking.

Songbird54321 · 06/03/2023 20:23

I feel similarly about mental health as I do about physical health. If you've a problem, seek help. I do find it difficult to sympathise and want to help someone who won't help themselves.
I've only experienced mental health issues post partum. I ignored my pnd for 6 months after my first and suffered for 2 years. I got help within 3 weeks after my second and barely suffered at all in comparison. But I had to do that for myself, there was very little anyone else could do to truly help. Yes they could help with the kids and housework but at the end of the day it wouldn't have made me any better. If anything it would've been worse, it would've allowed me to mope and sink lower. Sometimes getting up and participating in activities, no matter how small, is part of the treatment. No GP or counsellor I've ever seen has recommended staying in bed or shutting down as means to recover.
He needs a serious chat, if he is suffering from mental health problems then that's not his fault, but it's not yours either

Nospringchix · 06/03/2023 20:24

Iam4eels · 06/03/2023 19:43

Anyone who uses the words "snowflake" and "woke" is automatically not worth listening to.

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Agreed!

dancinfeet · 06/03/2023 20:25

It’s a difficult one, as it’s not always possible to pull yourself together when you have depression / poor MH.
I do also understand the sentiment that sometimes you HAVE to, I have hit rock bottom a few times in the past, the only thing that has kept me going is my kids, and the thought that they would end up going into care, or worse still being sent to live with their useless selfish dad. The thought that the only person in the world they can truly rely on is me, and that is what has kept me you my for the last 20 odd years.
He can check out from parenting, because you are there to pick up the slack, his child won’t freeze, starve or come to any harm because you will step in to take over and keep them safe.

dancinfeet · 06/03/2023 20:26

(no idea what happened with my autocorrect there, but it should have said, that’s the only thing that has kept me going for the last 20 years)

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 06/03/2023 20:27

I've said it to DH a couple of times, nicer, but that's the basic gist. Usually something like 'Ok, so you're feeling depressed, what are you going to do about it?' I know that when he's feeling down he needs to get out on his bike, or start a project because if he just sits and dwells it will go on longer.

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