Is it ever OK to say "pull yourself together" these days?

[Spacecrafty]

My DH struggles with his MH. I think. He doesn't get any help or have a diagnosis- but he has times of anxiety for sure. Sometimes when I'm knee deep in nappies and trying to cook dinner and I've just done a full day's work and I see him staring at the floor all vacant or he says he can't "cope with bedtime tonight" or he just goes mute for a day at the weekend....I just think "bloody pull yourself together man"

My mum was very harsh with me growing up. If I was upset or ill she'd always tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. I have the same instinct, the same desire to tell him to snap out of it and give me a hand.... but I guess in this more enlightened age about mental health - it's a totally unreasonable and unkind response isn't it? It's v hard to remain empathetic at all times.

What do people think?

Any man who feels too anxious to help put his kids to bed whilst his DW runs around ragged needs to be told in no uncertain terms to pull himself together. I also like "Get a grip".

The 'pull yourself together' sentence actually isn't nice.

But, "He doesn't get any help or have a diagnosis". I would find this infuriating and wouldn't be able to cope so would never have started a relationship with such a person. I can't tolerate people who don't help themselves. He's clearly in denial. There is help and support out there, he could talk to his GP, but you can't force someone to be open to it.

Why are you so passive, so weak, such a martyr. Why in times of calm haven't you communicated, and said to him, we need to talk about this, this is not ok.

My other half says this to me when I wallow and feel down. And actually I find it helpful. Whilst it would be nice for him sometimes to say "there there", it makes me realise I just need to get on with life and sitting there feeling sad isn't going to change things.

I do think a practical, no-nonsense approach to depression can actually be better than encouraging the wallowing personally.

So has he not even been to his GP yet? Sounds like he needs to.
I've had struggles with MH and in those times I've got myself to the GP started ADs and I then start doing small things each day to break out of the MH mess I'm in.
Saying that I do still co tribute to the house, always cooked and interacted with the kids, DH does share the house burden with me (we both work full time) and it's true, sometimes it's hard to do something, so DH used to pick that up. I'd get him a GP appointment and get sone professional help, the pull yourself together attitude is fine, but it's transient, it won't really help in the long run

My DH had essentially a nervous breakdown last year. He went from being completely functional to unable to leave the house, constant panic attacks, short tempered with the children, struggling to get himself washed and dressed, anxious about everything babbling about the cost of living constantly. I did everything for a short period of time while he was acutely unwell. I absolutely did not tell him to pull himself together as I could clearly see that he was unable to. I did make it very clear that I wasn't expecting him to be a social butterfly and take the kids to parties etc but we wrote a list of what he needed to work towards eg, showering daily, a walk out the house every day, being able to nip to the shop to pick up something.

He was put on citalopram which was a complete game changer and had some therapy which h3 didn't find all that effective but did discover that he had been suffering from depression for probably a year before all this started. After about 2 months on citalopram he started to get his sense of humour back and I didn't realise that it had been missing for over a year.

I know quite a few people who could do to pull themselves together.
I wouldn't tell them to pull themselves together these days.....the fall out wouldn't be worth it.
Considering poor mental health was stigmatised for so long I do think we have gone too far the other way, every time I turn the TV on or look online there is an article about symptoms of poor mental health.
Anxiety used to be a relatively unusual condition that debilitated sufferers and prevented them from living anything like a normal life, now almost every one I speak to seems to have been 'diagnosed' with anxiety.

It’s normal to think it. But if you say it, he’s most probably going to feel and act even worse than now. It feels like you are being told to get up and walk but with only one leg. But it’s fine to insist he get help.

Everyone’s patience will eventually run out when they know someone can help themselves but they are choosing not to. The first step towards getting help can be daunting but he really can’t expect you to live happily with him the way is now. Good luck OP. I’ve dealt with bad anxiety and depression most of my life. It’s very tough but I can’t make my husband bear the brunt of it. He does drive me two hours each way to therapy once a month, and I’m very grateful for that.

perhaps he could start by going online to ‘beyond blue’ (or similar) and just reading other peoples posts and stories. It’s a supportive site/forums in my experience.

I’ve voted you are not being unreasonable.

best wishes to you Op

Mostly, anxiety/depression is more prevalent these days because it is less stigmatised and people admit to having it - they aren’t trying to hide it because they feel ashamed. This, conversely, makes it easier to manage in some ways than it used to be.

Also this is a challenging time at the moment. Pandemic, cost of living, climate crisis growing larger. Not everyone handles things as well as you. It could happen to any of us at any time, just like any illness.

I know what you mean. I have a teen DD with severe anxiety. I have never once told her to pull it together but I think it all the time. She is scared and overwhelmed by everything. She gets upset all the time about the most minor of things. I am patient and understanding because she is ill of course, but sometimes I wonder if she might be just a bit more resilient if she had had a less patient and understanding parent.

It's known in mental health research that a lot of problems come from 'experiential avoidance', that's avoiding situations which give rise to difficult emotions like anxiety.

This exactly!

I would avoid saying ‘pull your head in’ but you can say ‘you need to get this sorted’. You can’t be expected to do everything.

You won't get slammed by me, Somerset.

If you wallow and seek my attention and empathy and still wallow and expect me to take the slack then hell yes, I'll tell you to pull your socks up. Having MH issues doesn't mean you can be a dick.

I grew up with a depressed father and a mother stressed by having to take on most of the burdens of the family and also be kind to him when he wasn't being kind to us. All this endless 'you have to have empathy' shit really pisses me off. Depression is horrible for the person suffering from it but also awful for those living with a depressed person. Your DH needs to do something about it, OP.

On threads like these I always think about my lovely Nan. She had 3 under five and her husband was killed. She told me she had no time to grieve for him properly because her children needed her.

She just got on with it. Her children Had the most wonderful upbringing because of her dedication to them (at the expense of her grief and depression).

Her story gives me perspective when my MH starts to wobble. I've had pnd and I've lost a baby girl when I fell apart completely.

I pull myself together as nothing can be as tough as what she went through.

absolutely did not tell him to pull himself together as I could clearly see that he was unable to.
This is what makes the difference.

Pull yourself together sort of implies that “you can do it”.The other person thinks you can. Which is great coming from someone supportive - they believe in you, but a bit rude from someone that doesn’t know your struggles.

Not necessarily.

Empathy means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

So the most empathetic reply may well be 'pull yourself together', in certain circumstances, while infantalizing someone who just needs a bit of geeing up may not be.

I understand OP.
I too grew up being told "pull yourself together" and "buck your ideas up"!
It's often not ideal, but I do think there's a time and a place for a bit of tough love.

Your dh needs to get help. He needs a diagnosis and a way of going forward that will be of benefit to him and you.
It isn’t fair on anyone to continue like this.

Not the phrase I would use but the sentiment I agree with. Also if someone does have real mental health issues, the sooner there is treatment the better, not trying to hope it will go away or avoiding the issue.

But if you have a physical illness you are still better to try and do something about it not just wallow in the pain.
That might include exercise, loosing weight to ease pain on joints, giving up smoking, adding/subtracting from your diet etc.
Alternatively you can just sit and moan and it will never get better.

Funny that you rarely see a woman staring vacantly to the floor while the DH deals with the house, kids, etc... Lots of woman can't cope, but they do what is needed anyway!

Would you instruct someone with a physical illness to get better, over it?

It's the same thing.

A person with mental I'll health can no more get over it than someone with physical I'll health.

Whilst your frustration is understandable- taking it out in your unwell spouse is cruel.

My parents lived through two World Wars, my father was in the army all through WWII. I was born not too long after, fortunately not into poverty like many at the time. Even so life was pretty basic, and most people just ‘got on’ with it.

I saw so much stoicism from women in my family, even though I’ve had a few hard times, their lives have been positive examples for me.

Not a good comparison. My DH has a physical condition. He goes to the GP, has a treatment plan and works hard to control it. Also works hard generally. I expect anyone ill to take steps to fix it. Not expect their spouse to be their caregiver.

Agree with this, and the fact that people seem to be unable to see that feeling depressed or feeling anxious which are normal human emotions and reactions are very normal and different to actually having depression or anxiety that needs medicalised.