Is it ever OK to say "pull yourself together" these days?

[Spacecrafty]

My DH struggles with his MH. I think. He doesn't get any help or have a diagnosis- but he has times of anxiety for sure. Sometimes when I'm knee deep in nappies and trying to cook dinner and I've just done a full day's work and I see him staring at the floor all vacant or he says he can't "cope with bedtime tonight" or he just goes mute for a day at the weekend....I just think "bloody pull yourself together man"

My mum was very harsh with me growing up. If I was upset or ill she'd always tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. I have the same instinct, the same desire to tell him to snap out of it and give me a hand.... but I guess in this more enlightened age about mental health - it's a totally unreasonable and unkind response isn't it? It's v hard to remain empathetic at all times.

What do people think?

“BUT I think in SOME cases people have forgotten that life is not linear, it’s normal to feel anxious/worried/scared/frustrated some of the time, these are normal emotions. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have a MH issues per se.”

Agree with this. There’s an inability to deal with practically any emotion, people want to be numb.

Your DH comes across as can’t be arsed /lazy. He needs to address his mental health issues or just get a grip.

I absolutely cannot stand “be kind” “they’re fighting a battle”.

100% totally agree.

YANBU. He has two choices really

1. pull himself together and get on with life, including looking after his own kids
2. get professional help via GP or therapy

If he’s not willing to do either of those I would be leaving him to wallow alone, what kind of a life is it for you and your children growing up with a dad like that? It will be very damaging to them.

If he’s neurodiverse then he’s likely genuinely overwhelmed by the day to day: the expectations, the sensory overload etc. I don’t think anything can be gained from telling someone who’s not coping to pull yourself together. I think your dp is struggling very much from what you say and needs a different approach.

But there are situations where a good talking to is appropriate. I remember getting very upset when I first started teaching because my friends were all getting made head of department and I wasn’t. My dept head started ranting at me, “Just do something. You don’t do anything extra. Do something. set up a club, anything.” It was hard to be spoken to like that but it was galvanising and I went from nothing to head of year to head of department. I’ve never forgotten her words. It was a helpful kick up the backside. If I’d not been coping in the job at all, it would have been inappropriate of her to do that.

I think resilience DOES come from telling yourself to 'pull yourself together'. Isn't that what resilience is?

Maybe that is because I see "pull yourself together" more as "sort yourself out" than "plough on regardless".

I'm quite resilient (lucky for me, I know). When I'm feeling overly stressed/worn out/overwhelmed/down/disappointed I manage to do some of the following

• recognise that this is happening
• drag myself together enough to do the immediate things that need done (kids bedtime, urgent email type stuff)
• tell myself to dissociate my 'mood' from 'me' (acknowledge it, but tell myself it is just a thing among many)
• work out some things I can do short term to help myself though (early bed, give kids cereal for dinner, cancel least important meeting...)
• implement some stuff I can do in the next week or month to help direct me back to an even keel (plan outdoor time at the weekend, make an effort on healthy diet, make plans to see friends...)

In short, I think resilience is a skill you can practise.

I found reading The Chimp Paradox very helpful.

I do realise my post above might read a bit flippant, particularly the examples. I don't expect a bowl of cereal to sort depression. But I do think a recognise/now/short-term/medium-term set of actions might help stave it off, or improve it.

It might not be acceptable op anymore but I'd totally be biting my lip.
My best friend husband has depression which he won't get proper treatment for so she arrives home each day from work ( she's the breadwinner) to him in front of the tv and the house a mess from his meals during the day , while she tears into dinner and homework with kids and then when they're finally in bed. He 'needs her to listen to his issues ' for a hour every night. I am in absolutel awe of her.

Sometimes it's doing someone a favour to tell them to pull themselves together. Yes life is hard, everyone is tired, everyone has issues but it won't get better by shirking his responsibilities. He needs to address his issues for your family's sake.

BUT...
I really struggled with what I thought was depression before being diagnosed with an autoimmune condition. Then I realised I wasn't depressed, I was just very, very fatigued (which can cause depression tbf). Now I make sure I rest and don't push myself too hard and I can make my commitments. Maybe health issues could be behind this?

The thing is, whether this behaviour is based on MH difficulties or not doesn’t make it any easier for you to deal with. OK, if he were doing his best to address his issues, you could say he was doing his bit. But if he’s simply disengaging from the family and making no effort to help himself, how is that different from just being the sort of man who’d rather sit around than help out?

I agree with PP about manipulative strategic incompetence.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying pull yourself together at all. Your DH needs to go to the GP. Does he work?

I totally understand your feelings and the urge to want to say 'pull yourself together' or 'just get on with it'!
While I understand that MH is a big thing for some, there is a tendency for MH to be used as a cop out. We all have down days, anxious moments and worries but this is all normal. Life is like that - it isn't always happy days, sunshine and fluffy clouds!
Very often the people who say they have MH issues have not been diagnosed as such - they have assumed or diagnosed themselves and not sought professional advice.
My GP put me on anti-depressants for 18 months because I didn't accept that I had depression brought on by stressful cancer treatment and then topped it off with the death of a family member who died with cancer. I had fallen apart, was still working, looking after GCs and in denial. I took the tablets reluctantly and really didn't want to but my GP insisted or he felt I could turn worse.
I got over it and I have every sympathy for those with genuine difficulties but like OP I could quite happily tell some people - get over it! Life is a bitch at times! But that's life.
If you are down - do something about it and try not to drag others down with you, they could be having a bad day too.
I can't help but feel that MH at times is the new fashionable disease. Some do have it but many don't.

I suffered from poor mental health and I am glad someone told me to pull myself together. That's exactly what I needed at the time.

Sometimes people need help putting their problems in perspective and realising that it's not that bad.

People get bogged down focusing on the negatives and can't see all the good stuff around them.

So yes, telling him to pull himself together is worth a try.

I would feel the same as you.

It feels like every single person these days has some sort of mental health issues.

I think sometimes we do need to stop all the soft speaking, empathetic stuff and people do need a good "pull yourself together" comment, but we're not "allowed" to say that sort of thing any more are we!!

Every time I see a thread like this I have more hope that we’re reaching a tipping point where every single emotion a person feels that isn’t positive is no longer automatically labelled a “mental health problem”. That we have move on from this nonsense to a more nuanced discussion about mental health.

I just can’t anymore with the unending entitlement some people feel to no negative emotions, ever.

There is a HUGE difference between actual mental health problems, and feeling a bit shit or overwhelmed or stressed or down for a while. In the latter situation, “pull yourself together man” is the best possible solution for everyone involved, especially the man in question. If his issues aren’t bad enough to seek help, he has to sort them out himself. Just moping about forcing someone else to pick up the slack while you wallow is not an option and, silencing anyone who objects to the moping and the picking up of slack under the banner of “you must respect my mental health issues” deserves - I don’t know. Censoring, maybe.

I applaud you .
I’ve noticed NHS is trying to get people off the antidepressants after years of handing them out like sweets, they’re a problem and people are too weak to cope with life without a daily pill, it’s all very sad

The attitudes to MH on this thread are why there is still such a stigma surrounding it.

As if it was that easy to "pull yourself together ".

Would you feel the same if it was a physical illness?

I despair.

Well your parents didn’t raise you in an emotionally healthy way so it’s not surprising you want to react like this.

”Pull yourself together” is not okay to say, no. It never has been. It’s unhelpful, and it’s basically telling the other person to hide their emotions and feelings to please others.

This kind of dangerous thinking leads to suicide.

However, on saying that, it is not okay to expect you to just put up with it. He needs to do something to address it; he needs to be regularly working on making himself better.

What I've found OP, is that it can be really hard to rid oneself of the values instilled in us by our parents. I think it's natural to hear your mum's voice when your husband is being a lame duck!

Yes, inclined to agree with you here.

To add to the comments about what would happen if the OP also decided she ‘couldn’t cope’ with bedtime- I saw something the other day which was basically saying exactly that- many people (not just women!) just simply couldn’t have a breakdown because of the fallout. Now obviously, if it was an actual medical psychological condition (bipolar, schizophrenia etc that’s different) but many people simply cannot give in to a feeling of being low/down and choose to opt out of domestic life/work.

I will also reiterate what I said before about needing to look at the root cause of why so many people are struggling with their MH. It’s very complex.

I have had direct experience with a family member having a genuine mental health emergency and it was beyond horrific. So I’m not lacking in sympathy.

Sounds more like he is avoiding parenting

Wow. Really. Just wow.