AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

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I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

Yes. If I could go back,. I wouldn't have kids. But I'm swamped with SNs so it'll never be over.

Best decision ever for me. You can read all about the downsides but it's hard to express the pluses of having new humans to love.

But, you can have a happy life without them if you don't want them as you won't know what you're missing/won't miss it if you don't want it.

I don’t regret it at all. Best thing I’ve ever done. I’m not - and never have been - a “kiddie person”; still not keen on other people’s children! But my own are the most amazing people on this earth and I love them with my whole heart. So don’t rely on any generic feelings about “children”; how you feel about your own is likely to be something that blows you away. It’s hard work at times, yes - but also immensely rewarding.

I'm 37 and have a 3 and 5 year old. I don't regret them for a second. It's hard at times and I love having a break from them but I wouldn't change anything.
I was like you. In my 20s I was adamant I didn't want children but at about 29 I suddenly felt like something was missing. I have friends who had similar experiences who then had kids and others that have remained child free.
It's a totally individual choice.

Think of the thing that you put the most effort into right now. Then double it. That's what it's like to have kids. It never stops. You can't just stay in bed on a Saturday morning. You can't just walk up your stairs without opening stairgates and placating a little one who wants to go with you. You can't just eat your dinner. Everything is a huge faff. If you're ill, think of getting up at 12am, 2am, 3am, 3:30am, etc to have to keep cleaning up your kid's vomit and do a full bed change, shower the screaming child, etc while you feel green yourself.
If you aren't sure, then gently, maybe they're not for you.

It’s certainly not easy but I like as well as love my children, the early years were the toughest. But then I’m a fairly laid back person. I’m not sure how I would’ve been had I been very anxious still (had anxiety in my early 20’s, think having kids helped that really, not enough brain space for the escalating thoughts!).

Career wise I think having kids is certainly harder on women, it does put you back in your place somewhat.

Honestly, knowing what I know now I honestly don’t know. I love them to distraction and couldn’t imagine life without them now but if I hadn’t had them… I wouldn’t have them to miss if that makes sense.

For me the biggest thing is the constant worry and fear.. one of my DC was very ill when he was younger and the fear of losing them was/is indescribable. Even now when they are older there are different worries. And I’ll be honest, I find parenting teens quite unrewarding although I’m assured they come out the other side eventually..!

in short I think inhindsight I could of had a very nice and much stressful life without them. I’d say unless it is something you desperately want I wouldn’t if I was you.

I don't regret having kids at all. I have a 16 yo and a 10 yo.

However, I'm exactly the same age as you OP and if id got to 37 without kids I don't think I'd want to make the adjustments I'd have to make iyswim.

As it stood, at 21 (DH was 23) when we had DD, we kind of grew up with her. Everything about our adult lives became about what was best for her and we never had a lifestyle or anything to give up.

I think it'd be harder to give up all that freedom and money if id had years of doing what suited me.

I don't regret it at all. But equally I could have had a fantastic life without them.

It's much more exhausting, relentless and worrying than you could ever imagine! However, I don't regret it. It's been the best thing I've ever done in my life. I enjoy it, much of it is fun (OK much of it is boring too!) and it's rewarding. I was a bit of drifter before. Perfectly content but my life was definitely aimless. Raising my children has really given me a focus in my life. I find it fulfilling - I'd never felt such fulfilment before. It's also given me a deeper meaning to my life. Don't get me wrong - I'm NOT saying life without kids lacks fulfilment and meaning. Of course not. I'm just talking about what it's brought to my life.

No I don’t regret it. It’s hard, but most worthwhile things are. I have DS 7 and DD 5 and they have added immeasurable love and joy to my life. Cheesy but true.

It’s perhaps like having a romantic relationship. Life is much simpler without a lover, but I’m still very glad I have one.

I’ve adored the whole motherhood thing, best time of my life, other women seem to hate it 🤷‍♀️ no one can make this decision for you.

But one word of caution - there is no such thing as 50:50 parenting. First, it takes a huge toll on the mother’s body while dad is fine. Then, when baby arrives, mum has all of the food and a tonne of maternal instinct, while dad hovers around doing everything wrong and sleeping through baby cries that wake the mother instantly, also frankly a newborn baby does not want the dad, it wants constant contact with the mum it’s been living inside for nine months.

Eventually, if you formula feed (or make your baby cross with a lot of training) you may, as it gets older, get closer to 50:50 parenting. But set your expectations of the dad very low is my advice to you or you will (like most of us) be dealing with relationship issues as well as with the new baby.

They are the absolute light of my life.
But. My life was so much less stressful and relaxing before. This constant worry about them, from small things to massive issues is exhausting. So while I of course don't wish them away, if I could go back, I'm not sure being a parent was the best choice for me.

Yes, I regret it.

I dont regret it at all, I'd feel a bit empty without them. I'd also be rich 🤣

But what you're talking about is very temporary. My children are 10 and 12 and I have a long lie in every Saturday and Sunday morning, I eat my dinner in peace, I haven't cleaned up vomit since they were toddlers. So yes, those early years are incredibly tough but once you're through it and you look back, it seems like a very short period of time.

Regret is a strong word 😬

But the constant worry is a real burden and it only gets worse as they get older. I read threads on here from people who are stressing about, say, naps and weaning, and I just think...those were such manageable concerns.

When they're older you can't protect them, and I find it really quite soul-crushing, the realisation that this daily fear and concern will literally never end.

I don't regret it at all, but I always wanted DC.

You can read all about the downsides but it's hard to express the pluses of having new humans to love.
This is exactly how I feel.

Personally I love it and don't regret a second of it (despite having been, at best, on the fence all through my 20's as to whether I wanted them or not, I gradually changed my mind after meeting DH in my mid 30's) it's more rewarding than I envisaged and if I had my time again the only thing I might change is I would try sooner if I could. Whilst I didn't have an overwhelming urge to have a child nor could I imagine growing old with my husband without children. It's rewarding but can be relentless. Kids can be hilarious and make you tear your hair out in equal measure so I'd say it has to be something that you are sure that you want, especially as there are no guarantees its always a gamble as to whether they develop normally, personalities etc. I'd ask yourself how you see yourself in the future, and also whether you feel like something is missing from your life. If you are happy and fulfilled as you are, and feel equally content envisaging a future with or without children stay as you are. Good luck whatever you decide.

There are many things I miss about my life before kids, but no, I don’t regret it for a second. Mine are 14 and 9 and it was the best decision I could ever have made to have them. Even now, sometimes I’ll get a wave of love for them so strong that it takes my breath away.

I’ve got a successful career, I’ve done very well academically throughout my life, but my kids are my greatest achievement.

But the constant worry is a real burden and it only gets worse as they get older. I read threads on here from people who are stressing about, say, naps and weaning, and I just think...those were such manageable concerns.

Yes that's how I feel. Yes babies and toddlers are hard work, but the worries about your teenager being depressed or trying unknown drugs is another level

I’m 38 and currently experiencing my toughest stint of parenting yet. Mine are 18, 17 and 11. They are lovely but the middle one is suffering from extreme mental health difficulties. I sometimes wish I hadn’t had her purely so she didn’t have to suffer so much. That’s horrible to write.
Other than that, I have thoroughly loved having my dc and dedicated a large amount of my life to staying home with them and raising them, it’s been massively enjoyable.
However, from a young age I knew I really wanted to have children.
In your situation id say don’t do it if you’re not 100% sure. You can’t take them back if you change your mind and it would be awful if you ended up resenting them for such a drastic and permanent change. Mind you, I think a lot more people should give this much thought into having children!

I don’t regret it, but I’m very positive and optimistic. We have resources, we have helpful family, a strong relationship, and a can do attitude. I hear people say the hardest thing is being a SAHM to a small child and think, no it’s not, was great fun! I did a degree when mine were born - it took 5 years. When they went to school I then set up my own business. It’s not always awful. I do have a lot of energy though so not sitting down until 9pm for 10’years didn’t bother me.

Mine are great kids - youngest is a sod, no one is setting the world alight academically, I don’t care. They can cook and tidy, look after themselves. I am pleased they are here.

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I don’t regret it. DS is the best thing in my life. Life is richer (but more challenging) with him in and I love him so much it’s occasionally terrifying.

I think I would have still had a great, albeit different life without him though. Now he’s here, I would never ever want him gone…but if he’d never existed in the first place I’d still be happy. That’s with a large dollop of hindsight though - if DH and I were struggling through infertility and the choice of DC had been taken away, maybe I wouldn’t be happy.

I would kill (and die) for my dc, they are my everything but whilst I don’t regret having them, it has been a long, hard slog at times, especially the 6 years my ds had terrible school anxiety and every day would refuse to go in. That nearly broke me. It’s hard to answer if I regret having them, regret no but I can not lie, it hasn’t been easy but I love them more than anything, that love seems to override all the shit.