AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

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I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

Not at all, but I do regret who I had them with.

My ex was the worst mistake of my life and if I could give one piece of advice to a woman, it would be NEVER have children with someone you're not 100% sure of.

He makes my life difficult even now and I binned him in 2011 and been married to my husband going on 3 years!

I honestly wouldn't do it unless you really want to and you have a lot of support. It is such hard work, it is relentless and you never, ever get a day off. I'm assuming things get better when they're a bit older, say 6 or 7, but even then it will still be hard. If you're on the fence, then definitely don't

I have 3 DC and no regrets - or at least no serious regrets. I have moments when knee deep in someone else’s bodily fluids or 20 mins into a squabble over some plastic shite but generally speaking I’ve never been happier. But went for lunch yesterday with childfree friends (all early 40s) and they all have lovely fulfilling lives too. If you fast forward 10/15/20 years in the future, how do you picture yourself?

I Don’t regret it!

I think though as a woman, if you go into it thinking it will ever truly be 50/50 you are in for a rude awakening. Practically your life, looks and career take a hammering! For men less so, even the hands on ones.

It's extremely difficult, I didn't expect to be doing it on my own. Think about whether this is something you would be happy to do alone.

There is no guarantee that you'll stay in this relationship, or that you will have child without health problems/disability. Both of those make working/earning difficult if you don't have a good support network.

On the other hand, I love my children very much. And they have brought a lot of joy, and we have had some lovely times.

No regrets at all, ever (and I really wasn't sure I wanted children for quite some time). I have massive anxiety which I am quite heavily medicated for, and yes my anxiety is worse since having my DC, but I've never had even a second of regret. There is no feeling in the world like your child cuddling into you, or snuggling in bed whilst they hold your hand, or belly laughing with them, it's honestly intoxicating. Yes, it's hard and it's tiring, but I don't miss any of my pre child life. I look back on it fondly and think 'ahh, wasn't it nice to be able to just go to the gym without intense strategic planning' but I don't get so much a break pang of missing it. I am aware that my husband and I are comfortable financially and have the space for them etc, which definitely helps!

The best way I can describe it is this. You know that feeling when you've just started going out with someone new? You think about them and smile, you feel excited about doing totally mundane tasks with them, simply because you're together, you feel butterflies and excitement when you haven't been with them and you're about to see them? That's exactly what having children is like. You don't just love them, you fall in love with them. Only you know what is right, but I'm so glad I didn't let my fear and anxiety stop me ♥️

Mine are all now 18+ so either left home full time or only home during Uni holidays. It wasn't easy by any means, but they honestly are the best thing I have ever done in my life. That said, it's also extremely enjoyable now being empty nesters so I can see the draw of not going down that road.

I thought I'd regret it, because I had my daughter at the ripe old age of 17. Everyone told me it'd ruin my life, but my life's been pretty fucking good. I've got a great job, great husband, wonderful daughter.

She's now a teenager herself and I feel like I got all the hard shit done while I had boundless energy and endless time. I still feel young, all my friends are just now getting started having babies and I'm quite at my leisure with my one blessedly mild mannered teen.

I'm now 33 and the devil and all his minions couldn't make me have another kid, I'm getting my tubes tied this year. I need my 8 hours of sleep, lie ins on weekends, peaceful relaxing holidays, relative quiet in my home, freedom to go out and date my husband and socialise, and time for my hobbies and interests. I think if I had more now I'd regret it, but I can't regret the beautiful creature I somehow managed to make when I was a stupid teenager.

Similar to gamerchic, we have three, one is going to be at home and SN forever.
I love them all but do not enjoy being a parent, the worry, anxiety is never ending and if you are prone to this I would say having a child is not for you.

if I had my time again I would be child free.

I am 40 and have a 18 month old with another on the way. I don't regret it, but I had absolutely no idea how relentless it would be. Especially when you go back to work (if that's what you decide), and then when they begin socialising with other toddlers, the illnesses... I've basically been sick all year as has my kid. There is nothing worse than looking after someone sick when you are sick and then how that impacts your job, childcare etc
I think if DH has a good income and is up for getting stuck in then it will be good. You need to be a team. You have to have amazing communication. To be sensitive to one another, step in when each other needs a break. Both be willing to take baby out by yourself and give each other a break, especially DH. Lower your standards on absolutely everything. Know that you will not have a lie in for many many years, and sleep can be really difficult for at least 6 months. You really do end up focusing on stuff that matters though. World becomes a lot smaller. It helps to live somewhere you want to stay as you make allot of new friends through mumming which I loved. Ideally you'd live close to some amenities like a park, cafe, coffee shop, so you can take your baby out easily. I live in middle of nowhere and have to drive everywhere and it's not ideal. The positives are huge and unknowable until it happens. It's lonely, gruelling, extremely physical work, no one says well done or gives you a pat on the back, but it's important and emotionally rewarding work. My 18 month old say thank you for the first time today when I gave her her yoghurt and fruit. It's little things. They are just so bloody cute. Life takes on new meaning. You feel stuff you never felt before. You think about the world differently, things feel scarier tbh, but you have so much gratitude for the time you have on this planet with your family. Precious time.

I've found the opposite. I had years of doing what I wanted, lovely holidays etc so am happy to change my lifestyle for my kids now. If I'd never had that time I would really resent them.

(Had 3 DC in my late 30s)

I don't regret it at all. I was very undecided about having children but decided to take the plunge.
My two lads are adults now and are absolutely brilliant. I loved all the adventures we did when they were kids and I loved the teen years the best. Of course there was a few worries and boundary pushing along the way but nothing serious.

I love having our family night out each week with the boys and their gfs and husband.

There are regularly posts here about regretting children.

My honest belief is that many women somehow think there’s an alternative reality where they keep the figures, friendships and life they had in their twenties if it wasn’t for the children. The reality is far from this of course. It’s a bit like the ‘I love being single!’ posts - being single can be enormous fun at twenty five, at forty five, sometimes, it isn’t.

DS is two and a quarter. He’s lovely. It’s full on, I do struggle to get through the days and I hate the early starts.it’s all very transient though and the sleepless nights make way for early starts which make way for argumentative kids and stroppy teens. For me, there’s also a lot of joy there. I also find some of the selfish benefits, like I find I have an instant thing in common with many other women, feel immersed in our community, it’s lovely. I’m pregnant now and I think there will be many challenges with two but I also feel better prepared this time round!

Having my ds has been the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I absolutely love being a mum! The only thing that I don’t like is the fact that he has to grow up because I don’t know how I will cope with having a teenager 🙈 I love doing all the little kid stuff (apart from nappies 😂) so I know that I will really miss it especially the cuddles!!

I have always wanted to be a mother and I have two children now so my little family is complete.
I’ve never regretted it, but there are some extremely hard days. My youngest is one this month and she is a dream and my four year old makes me laugh everyday. I wouldn’t change them for anything, Best thing I’ve done.

I do regret having dc immensely, not because of the children themselves but because I’m an absolute failure as a parent and I’ve really fucked things up for them by being completely useless. I would do anything to go back and not have them.

I have friends who chose not to have children. I loved having mine..doing fun things as an adult I hadn't experienced before like petting zoos and Disneyland. For me, it feels like the cycle of life and for friends who don't have children, it seems like a life without seasons.

Yes I do but the eldest, an adult, has severe learning disabilities and will need 24/7 care for the rest of our lives so that’s the main reason. I love them but if I could go back I definitely wouldn’t have them. None of my other children want children.

I don't regret it but the gift of hindsight is a wonderful thing and I think it's only through actually having children that I realise now that I could have had an equally fulfilling life without them. However, if I hadn't had them I would have always thought I should have.

It's hard work. Sometimes it feels like I don't get a lot back from them. It would definitely be a far easier life without them. But I love them with all my heart and would protect them to the end.

My honest belief is that many women somehow think there’s an alternative reality where they keep the figures, friendships and life they had in their twenties if it wasn’t for the children.

Think this is a well-made point. You can't compare your life as it is now, you have to imagine yourselves now+10 and most of your friends with kids while you don't.

Oh, and personally I only (occasionally) regret not having more.

You sound a lot like me. Never wanted them when I was younger. Got to 39 and we decided we would like one but we agreed that we would give it 6 months and if I wasn't pregnant we would leave it and carry on as we were. I never had this burning desire for kids that a lot of people describe, so in some people's opinion we probably shouldn't have had them.
I love my kids to bits and have no regrets over having them but we would have carried on with our happy life without them if it hadn't happened for us.

It is exactly this.

I don't regret it at all, but I'm lucky. You roll the dice and you don't know what's going to happen. Dc with major SN, a partner who turns out to be useless or a cheater, a major change in your financial situation, a serious illness or loss of a partner or other close bereavement. Obviously most of those are things which can happen to people whether they have children or not, but any one of them could make parenting so much harder. I read about what other people have to deal with and I shake my head at how blithely a lot of us decide we want children!

I think making a decision wondering if you will regret something says maybe it's not really something you want. I don't think many people will say they regret having children because once they are born, we love them and even on the hard days it is hard to regret it, and there are many hard days. If you are happy in your life, and in your relationship and you are both on the fence then I would say not to do it. I think you are better asking people who have made the choice not to have children if they regret it. That would give you a better idea. I am beyond exhausted and if I could turn back time, I probably would. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel right now!