AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

[BasketCase101]

I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

Dont regret them one second.

Do wish they didn't have SN cos it makes my life and theirs a hell of a lot harder (starting with severe sleep deprivation for over 7 years and including school refusal, suicide attempts, emotional regulation difficulties etc etc etc).

Suffice to say, it has been bloody hard and will continue (pre teens right now). But they are such a lot of fun and up for lots of adventures and games; canyoning, rock climbing, canoeing, surfing, trampolining...but also card games and charades and watching funny TV shows and films together.

I don’t regret it but I’m bloody glad they’re adults now, I would never want to through all that ‘raising children’ again. I don’t miss their younger years and very much like them as fellow adults.

It's very very very hard work but you experience the love you never could even imagine. With that comes the greatest worry and fear for them. That is the price we have to pay.
As somebody said it's a dice and you don't pick and choose. Not to scare you but if in doubt then consider SN, congenital defect, genetic disorder, pregnancy and birth complications and so on ... Is hard with "Normal" kid, it's much harder otherwise. It doesn't always turns out the way we imagine in picture perfect plans, life can play tricks on anyone.
Good luck!

I read something once which said not to do it unless you have such a strong primal urge that you almost feel suffocated by your desire to have them. I know that's not how a lot of women enter motherhood but the point is because it's a given that it will be the biggest life change you'll ever experience not to enter into it unless you are so desperately enmeshed with the idea because the flipside could very well be hating it with every fibre of your being once they're in the world and it's not a choice that can be reversed. Even if you were to write out a pros and cons list, on a practical level the cons list would extend much further than the pros list which is why you need to be confident with both feet in that it's what you actually want.

You most certainly can have a fabulous meaningful life sans kids. In fact, I do smt look in w envy at the holidays etc my kidless friends have.

Also kids are hard, unrelenting work. If you decide not to, I can completely get that!

But! My child is my favourite person in the world. The warmth and love I have for him is boundless. In my worst anxiety moments I think about a world where he is not. And honestly, I m not sure if my life could have meaning in such a world. Now that I have him, I’d choose him every single day over any possible holiday or any other person. So no regrets!

I always wanted to be a mum and I do love it. But my older DC is severely disabled and my younger DC is a crazy toddler. So our life is really hard. Yes there are lovely moments too, but I wish I could go back in time sometimes!!

I've name changed for this

Yes I regret having my DS, I find him very hard work and we pretty much have zero in common.
I love him wholeheartedly and would absolutely die for him but most days I either wish I hadn't had him or if not that then wishing he was a girl. Had massive gender disappointment when I found out i was having a boy and I guess that hasn't really gone away.

He never has and never will ever know how I feel

I don’t regret it, except I think it was maybe a selfish thing to do given how crappy the world is becoming. The greatest source of pleasure in my life is my kids, but if I didn’t have kids I would have found other ways to be satisfied (although my dd wouldn’t have forgiven me I expect!).

If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t do it, not at age 37. What does your dp say?

I get what you are saying. This makes total sense. But I don’t think this takes into account the other side of how a child can change you.

True… dear god, the exhaustion! The unrelenting work etc. But it opened up love that I never knew could exist.

I always knew I wanted kids, but my husband didn’t. I feared the above for him. That he’d hate it etc. but he wanted me, I wanted kids! All he talked about before was anxiety over our changed life. BUT almost from the moment he held his son, he was a changed man. In some ways, I think he loves him more than I do.

No I don't, but I can understand why some people do. When people as 'What is having kids like?', it's an impossible question really as experiences are so different.

Ours was made vastly easier because, although money was sometimes tight, we were always stably housed; we lived near family so we were able to have time as a couple without paying for babysitting. So yes, for us having kids has been very easy.

And some people have kids with little money, stability and no family help and don't have a night off as adults for years on end, and are still absolutely fulfilled by it.

It's in part about expectations. I ramped down my social life a bit as we went towards starting a family and I felt prepared to have less of that. But if spontaneity is everything to you and feels profoundly important to your sense of self, maybe having a kid is not for you.

Read the reddit sub "regretful parents" and the Facebook page "I regret having children". There are plenty parents out their that hate parenthood and even some who hate their children. People only speak anonymously of this due to the social stigma and societal expectations.

NB, I didn't feel a profound urge to have kids and am not very 'maternal'- I just thought it would be really interesting, and it has been.

For me it’s not so much having children but having a family. Best thing EVER! X

On balance I’m very glad I had mine and I love them beyond all belief - they are little miracles. It’s not straightforward though, as about 20% of the time I actively hate being a parent (partly because, if I’m honest, I’m just not very good at it). Both mine have SN so I’m constantly exhausted and actively dreading their teens (I think the worry once they’re able to go out without me may be the death of my remaining shred of sanity unless I invest in some serious therapy).

Also, a word of warning about equality… DH and I are very equal in our marriage too BUT didn’t become 50/50 parents until a couple of years after both kids started school - as infants they just gravitated towards me most of the time since mum = boob.

I'm not convinced that being absolutely desperate for children is a necessary or even desirable condition for having them. It's well known that women who suffered from infertility and have been longing desperately for a child for years are actually at higher risk of PND. I know it's hard to compare a first and a second, but I had one baby that took years, multiple miscarriages and that I was absolutely desperate for, and I had one baby that I was a bit on the fence about trying for and then he turned up as soon as we started trying. I found the latter left me in a much, much better state mentally - and consequently much better prepared for the challenges of a new baby. The guilt at finding anything hard when a child was wanted so desperately is a real mind fuck.

I don’t think you need to have a profound desire to have children to either be very good at parenting or to enjoy it.

I did have a profound desire to have children, right from being a little girl I loved babies. I was desperate to give birth because I was uncomfortable in late pregnancy and because I wanted to meet the little person I would spend the rest of my life connected to! Had him and things went dark after the first few days. I struggled hugely to adapt to exhaustion, to my ‘new’ life. I missed my bump, I wanted to put him back so I could sleep undisturbed.

Yet here we are coming to two and a half years later and I am so much in love with my little boy. It’s hard but I do think anything really meaningful is hard, really, that doesn’t have to be having a baby but running a business, being an Olympic gold medalist, passing an exam, they all require some sacrifices and dedication but are worth it.

I don’t think you have too long for it. There’s no one way to be an amazing parent. Just lots of ways to be a great one!

Believe me the first year for me was mentally challenging I hated it at times but I love my child. I hated being number one and I resented my partner( still do in many ways) but now I love it. I’m working, my child attends a childminders 3 days a week and I think I accepted it for what it is. My life will resume to being able to do what I want when I want in 15 years time and that isn’t all that long plus I’ll only be 42.

i love that I’ve got a best friend for life. Someone to have fun with someone to guide love and grow with but yes I do wish I sometimes could go and do as I please go to the places baby’s can’t go. If I fancy something at 10pm be able to go to the shop and get it but at the same time. She makes everything worth it.

I agree with this to an extent - maybe the biggest shock of all to me about my first is that DH and I absolutely couldn't just be total equals as I'd expected and as we'd always done previously - but, like some of the other things people have listed, it's a very short season, especially if you actively try to facilitate that. We did shared parental leave and that really did make us genuinely equal parents well before the first year was up. It felt like we'd never get there when I had a tiny cluster feeding newborn, but that really didn't last long in the grand scheme of things.

I feel like this

I don’t think you need to be 100% certain that you want them to decide to go ahead, otherwise I think most of us would still be child free!

No regrets here OP. When dating, my DH and I loved talking about our imaginary DC as young adults and taking them on holiday, going out for dinner etc. We glossed over the practicalities of having young mental kids and have just walked into it a little blind. I love it though, and I can’t even describe how much I adore my DS. It scares me sometimes.

It’s also made me a better person. I’m more patient and empathetic these days to everyone around me. It has also given me a surprising amount of drive to be the best possible version of myself for my kids in terms of my health and my career. In general, becoming a mum has bought out the best in me but I think I lacked a little purpose before.

All of this TBH, and at the risk of sounding like a total dick, it took a while, but my body went back to what it was like pre-kids. I don't even have any stretchmarks. I've never been chronically sleep deprived, always been able to have a social life, still work full time - I always joke that my lie is exactly the same, but now I have an amazing tiny sidekick, with another one on the way.

Honestly, the hardest part I find is the logistics of being two parents who work full time and don't have any family help - DH and I are constantly playing Google Calendar Tetris to make sure someone's around to look after DS. We're incredibly lucky to be senior in our jobs though, so we have a reasonable amount of flexibility, ability to WFH etc.

Like PP said, I feel like 90% of the miserable parenting threads don't really apply to me, and I realize that I'm incredibly lucky to be in that position.

I have not for one second regret having my first but I would have regretted having another so didn't

Not for one second.

I don't regret my children for a second. I have made some sacrifices for them but it's worth it. I live in a pretty average provincial town and my career isn't that exciting. We made those choices to make sure they have a safe and happy childhood. I have a friend from college who has the opposite life. She has an exciting career in TV and lives in a city. She's slim and glamorous. She is single and child free. Her life is tempting but no way would I swap what I've got.

You’re very welcome to ask. I love being a mum and I’ve never regretted it for a second, even when times are hard and it has its challenges. But I’ve always loved kids, I work with kids and I’ve always wanted to be a mum.

So my point is, if you’ve never particularly wanted them, maybe they’re not for you. Modern life can be excruciating because it feels like the options are almost limitless and there can be such major FOMO. For example, there are a lot of countries I haven’t travelled to yet, and sometimes I think about all the careers I could have chosen but didn’t.

But infinite choice is a fallacy. Don’t consider having children just in case you might regret if if you don’t. It’s not a strong enough reason and therein madness lies.