AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

[BasketCase101]

I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

I have 1ds, nearly 5.

I love being a mum and I love him unconditionally.

I would absolutely have him every time given the choice , but dh and I are pretty sure we're 1 and done - I don't think I would be as good a mum to 2 as I am to 1 (not that I'm perfect by any means).

I found 0-18 months a joy then 18m to about 3.5 tricky, though lockdown may have impacted that.

He's a wonderful little person now but I do struggle with this new stage of school - he's unsettled and behaviour has been an issue and my heart pounds every time I pick him up wondering if it's been a good or bad day. It's heartbreaking to think other people don't always see the sweet, kind and wonderful child i experience at home - it makes me want to take him away somewhere remote where we can live together and I can keep him safe from all criticism, which, obviously in reality would be the worst thing to do. It's emotionally draining.

We had a perfectly average weekend this weekend and as we were walking home holding his little warm hand I just thought "this is just wonderful and I love you" - when parenting is bad, it's difficult, but when it's good it's absolutely golden.

"I don’t regret it at all. Best thing I’ve ever done. I’m not - and never have been - a “kiddie person”; still not keen on other people’s children! But my own are the most amazing people on this earth and I love them with my whole heart. So don’t rely on any generic feelings about “children”; how you feel about your own is likely to be something that blows you away. It’s hard work at times, yes - but also immensely rewarding."

This in spades. Also it's the gift that keeps on giving. They keep my outlook young and enthusiastic and engaged in life.

Also I had mine later in life. Had the travelling party lifestyle until mid 30s then felt like something was missing. When I had my first baby it felt like life made sense finally. Had my youngest at 42. Now 53. They make my life complete.

I had my 2 at 36 & 37 - don't regret having them but I am in the throws of trying to leave their father so I probably could have chosen a better person for me to help raise them and provide them with stability at home.

While I don't regret having them, I totally failed to realise how much having them would stuff up my career, where I live, my social life, my sex life, my freedom and my mental health. One has diagnosed special needs, the others not far behind so perhaps 2 "normal" children would be easier!

Don't regret them in the slightest, even though they are tough at the mo.

However, I do now understand why some people don't have them or aren't sure. It was ingrained in me that I wanted a family and I couldn't understand not having that yearning. Now I see what it's all about, I get the hesitation and, if I went back, I would think twice if I didn't know my kids.

I don't know to be honest.

I love them and would die for them. I would be devastated if anything happened to them.

However, I feel downtrodden and like I will never have my own life again. There is MH issues plus SN as well. I adore them, I really do, but I'm not sure I would choose this life if I had had the foresight.

I'm just tired and defeated really

I don't regret it, but then I always wanted children. I'd never have been able to say "I'm not sure I want this" like you do in your OP. So if you feel that way, think carefully.

I feel this way too, and I have an 'easy' child. It's so much tougher than I ever imagined. Give it lots of thought OP.

Do you mind me asking...having read all the responses so far OP, what sort of thoughts are going round in your head?

Op why don’t you and your DP have ivf so you can freeze embryos? It’s not that expensive, particularly if you go Cyprus and make it a lovely holiday ☺️ My husband and I did this a couple of years ago and it was great (for us) and really took the pressure off when to have kids. For some women ivf is tough but for others (me included) it’s a doddle. I think some of the burden women feel is anxiety and emotional - when you remove those factors it can be really straightforward

I don't have them and don't regret it, we take full advantage of the physical and financial freedom that not being parents brings!

I completely underestimated the effect of unresolved childhood issues on motherhood (like you OP I didn’t have the best of upbringings). Children push buttons you didn’t even know you had and it can be relentless. No regrets as such but I wish I had done more work on myself and that others around me had been more open & honest about being a parent (they were afterwards!)

This. I have two people I created. But I'd be richer & having loads holidays all over the world if I didn't

I do because my DD died and that sort of pain is indescribable unless you know it. They may bring the most joy but they can bring the most pain.

"First couple of years was nappies and crying and feeding gruel into them. After that it was crying over teething and worrying that they weren't walking fast enough. Age 4-11 was pretty good. They thought I was wonderful, they could talk, they believed in Santa and they loved me. Then they hit secondary school and their friends became the most important thing. One of them got kicked out of Uni for cheating and the last time they spoke to me they called me a C... Which is why it was the last time they spoke to me. The other dropped out of Uni and disappeared. Can't say it was really a great success."

What a sad story. I imagine there's two or three sides to this OP. Gruel indeed

I miss being rich and having a clean house, and loads of free time. And sleep. Oh sleep!! Think hard OP!

Don't regret it for a second.

Mine are teenagers now and I feel the time is slipping away from me. If I could do it all over again with them I would.

I don't regret it for a second. I had years of infertility before I became a parent but it was all worth it and I'm incredibly grateful to be a mother. I love the hustle and bustle of it all and looking back although it didn't feel it at the time my old life seems lacking without DC in it.

The biggest downside for me is the worry, like you I'm quite an anxious person and I have a very over active imagination so I gave had some hard times being crippled with worry. But the ups outweigh the downs by miles.

I have a lot of help, close family around me and a husband who shares the load 50/50 (maybe 60/40 haha) with me so I think that makes a difference

have two kids - 2 months and 3.5 years. It’s exhausting and relentless. But I don’t regret it for a second.

I’ve always been a bit selfish and borderline lazy at the weekend - I have a good career and that came first and I loved travelling etc. it’s much harder to do that now with kids in tow… but I don’t mind at all.

because I honestly feel like my life actually properly started when I had my first child - my career and all the triviality before her didn’t matter as much.

the most joy I feel is when we are cuddling in bed on a Saturday morning - it’s a bliss I can’t even explain and never thought I could feel.

My husband is really supportive and we actively encourage each other to continue socialising with friends and I do love a bit of occasional me time but that’s healthy. My career also continued to progress despite having kids - although working full time with little kids can add another level of relentless exhaustion.

but anyway it’s very hard but honestly the best thing I’ve ever done and I’m not saying that to be one of those annoying smug mums, it’s just how I feel

I’d also add that the days seem long but the years short - I honestly relish every single moment I have with my kids but I’m also very tired and feel very happy when they are in bed and I can sit on the sofa watching Netflix with a glass of wine

it’s a bit of a paradox!

I love my DSs to bits and really enjoy spending time with them. Their hilariously clever comments have me in stitches sometimes.

They were also my focus through some really shit times and having them gave me a strength I never knew I had.

A very black and white way of looking at it. I’m sure to many if not all of your friends they do not find their life to be without seasons just because they don’t have children. It’s these sorts of comments which makes women who don’t really want children feel under pressure to have them.

Couldn't live without mine. I've always wanted kids, yes my girls can stress me out at times but I couldn't imagine my life without them. It's an amazing feeling having someone you literally half created and fully carried calling you mum..

This is sad but thanks for sharing this.

I wish the people who repeat nonsense about “ you’ll never regret having a child” rethink this because it’s patently false and this is a clear example of it .

I you start having children now, you'll be reaching retirement age before they leave home!
The decision is entirely yours (of course).
Could you maybe get involved in sponsoring a child?
or having children to stay in the holidays, (through a charity), who come fom deprived backgrounds and would not have a holiday otherwise.
I know it's not the same as having your own children, but may fill a 'void' so to speak.