AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

[BasketCase101]

I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

Yes, my mum says the same and she had me at 35 and my sister at 37.

But I know myself and there is no way I could've started in my mid to late 30s, I think I'd have become too selfish by then 😂

I don't regret having my DC's. They are my world.

Someone said to me "you will never regret having a child but you will regret not giving it a go"

Utterly inaccurate, irresponsible and frankly quite dangerous advice.

I've a 2 and 6 year old. I'm 38 and I'm glad I'll get my life back again when I'm not too old. I don't regret having them. The highs are higher than the lows. I did always want children however, but I am envious of those without children and their ability to come and go as they please and the freedom which they have and I do not. You put them first from 7am to 9pm every single day. It's very tiring. Maybe it's easier with a decent family support network around you, we don't have this.

It's a huge risk, isn't it? There are so many possible outcomes. You could have a happy, healthy, easy baby who progresses through childhood perfectly into independent adulthood. Or you could have a child with disabilities who will never be independent and will need you until the day you drop dead. Or something in between. You won't know. You just have to be prepared and willing to accept all possibilities.

My children are the light of my life, I absolutely adore them and they’re the best thing that has happened to me.

I had them at 27 & 30 though and I really don’t think I’d be considering it at 37, particularly not unless I was absolutely sure.

I'm 35 with an 8 and 5 year old.

I'm a single parent, not intentionally (their dad and I were married). It's hard work and shit at times, but I wouldn't change it. I adore them, and my life revolves around them and their needs.

However, it doesn't sound like you want children, and that's fine too. It's perfectly possible to live a fulfilled life without them. I really wanted my two, and it's still hard. If you don't really want them, then you might end up resenting them.

Hardest thing I’ve ever done, and he’s only 9 months old, but I wouldn’t change a thing. He’s my absolute world.

I don't regret it, but I have definitely learnt I am not SAHM type person at all. I love working and my friends more than ever. ALSO I have ONE child. I think there is a huge difference between having one and multiple. With one child and two doting parents it can be a nice team project, though brutal at times. I'd say go for one and not more. You'll manage one fine, get the experience etc and not get too dragged down.

I have one DC and I don't regret it for a second BUT I know another one would be too much for me/us. I struggle with that reality sometimes as I always thought we'd be a family of four but we are a great three. It made me question why I always had two in my mind, pressure, expectation? Rather than what I actually want from my own life - I'm still a human being as well as a mother!

If I had my time again, I wouldn't. I didn't/don't enjoy it. Even as adults, they seem hard work, although I do have a good relationship with them. 2 have stable relationships and enough sense not to have DC. The eldest has had a car crash of relationships and has DC with an utterly toxic ex.

I was ambivalent but had two anyway. I have never regretted it. But made sure I was married and was with DH ten years first so were as very stable as we could be.
Remember, as a woman always think worst case scenario. Men don't tend to take the DC or even do 50/50 childcare very often in the case of a split.

I mean, having spent 2 hours in a car dealership with a 5 year old and 11 month old, yes, I had pangs of regret about my life choices. One swinging from the chairs and the other shitting up her back and screaming bloody murder does that to you.
But when I go into their rooms at night and they're sleeping soundly or I hear them laughing and playing together I cannot describe my love for them.
Any regret I feel is fleeting but I love them 100% of the time.
I'd be skinnier, richer and have more holidays without them but I don't think I'd get the joy and laughs I get daily with them.
In some ways I'm more laid back than before, my house is definitely messier and I don't wash my hair very often and I'm pretty much un-embarrassable now 😂 but they come with a lot of worry too, I hate it when they're ill or sad.
I have a partner that contributes a lot too which definitely helps make it more enjoyable

My children bring me a joy like no other, but if I had my time again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have kids.

Having children was the best thing to happen to me.

I was early 20’s when I had my first. I kind of took it all in my stride and I didn’t feel anxious at the responsibility of looking after another life. It was all a big adventure.

At 37 you have more to give up.
I think you need to weigh up if you are ready to change your life when the life you have made for yourselves is pretty much perfect as it is. I was young so hadn’t really made much of a life so I didn’t have as much to lose.

No regrets - just totally unrealistic expectations of the stress/fatigue/worry that goes on and on and on - even though DC's are in their 20's/30's. No doubt due to some of my parenting fails/failure to keep my own boundaries. But there's no way anyone could have imparted the "realities" of parenthood to me, in the same way that I had no real concept of labour from videos (the 80's) & books etc, until I was in the thick of it

How to sum up my experience so far (10 months):
Exhausting
Terrifying
Exhilarating
Joyful
Depressing

In short, it's the best and the worst thing I've ever done.

Some days I've wanted to curl up in a ball and die, other days I think I could do this a million times over.

I could have had a perfectly nice life without DC, but I agree with the "life without seasons" comment. I just felt life was almost a bit pointless. Not in a depressing way, there was just something missing. Now I never have to worry about not having a purpose as I don't fucking stop 🤣

Imagine yourself and DH in 20 years time. What do you see? I see my children, possibly grandchildren. Lots of people to love. That's what tipped it for me, I couldn't imagine not having kids. I absolutely love the bones of her, but by god is it hard work!

I dont see how one can keep boundaries. If my DC are sad, I am sad. With hindsight, I think it is really unwise to pin your happiness on someone else's happiness..But I think most parents are only as happy as their happiest child. Most mothers especially.

Don’t regret my first (now 12). Very much regret second (now 3). My life has imploded (various reasons), I have little/no support, not enough money, and dealing with a child who doesn’t sleep through the night for three years in my early 40s, plus the stress of all the above, is slowly killing me.

I can honestly say there is no issue in my life that wouldn’t be easier to deal with if I didn’t have the 3yo.

It’s just as well we are programmed to die for them, because sometimes it feels as though that’s what’s required.

OP, when considering children or not, remember that it doesn't necessarily have to be plural. Plenty of people opt to be "one and done", because it's much easier to maintain a semblance of your pre DC life with just one child.

Also, if you only have to be pregnant and do the boring and tiring baby and toddler stage once, so it's a lot more doable.

Source: I was on the fence for a long time and had my (most likely one and done) DS at 37.

Absolutely no regrets here. Recently had my 4th child and feel on cloud 9. Absolutely love our life and cannot imagine not being a mum.

I don’t regret mine for a second, but I’ll say that kids are hard work and it drags on for years and years before it gets easier. Followed by teen years which I hear are pure hell. So I’ll say that if you’re on the fence maybe not do it because it takes some serious commitment.

I have a friend who openly said to me she ruined her life by having her daughter (who’s 8!). The daughter absolutely knows she’s unwanted and lives her life in a million after school and weekend clubs to keep her out of her mum’s sight as much as possible. Not a suspicion, the mum actually said it. The girl also sees a therapist to deal with the broken relationship with her mum. It’s the saddest thing for both of them.

First couple of years was nappies and crying and feeding gruel into them. After that it was crying over teething and worrying that they weren't walking fast enough. Age 4-11 was pretty good. They thought I was wonderful, they could talk, they believed in Santa and they loved me. Then they hit secondary school and their friends became the most important thing. One of them got kicked out of Uni for cheating and the last time they spoke to me they called me a C... Which is why it was the last time they spoke to me. The other dropped out of Uni and disappeared. Can't say it was really a great success.

It’s the most personal decision you can make and whether others did / did not regret it shouldn’t make any difference to you. You have no idea what their exact individual circumstances are and how that made their choices the right or wrong ones overall. Here’s why. Whether you enjoy it or not depends on all of the following factors, plus more:

• How easy it is to get pregnant
• How easy the birth is
• How much your partner steps up
• Whether the baby has additional needs
• How you cope with sleep deprivation
• Whether you and your partner have similar parenting styles.
• Whether you can cope with the loss of spontaneity in your lives.
• Whether you can and will make sacrifices.
• Any medical issues you have.
• Your finances and savings
• The availability of help from others
• How much maternity leave you can afford The nature of / security of / flexibility of your own career and your partners career
• The size of your house and how secure it is. A baby in a one bedroom rental flat with a difficult landlord / neighbours is harder, for example.
• How you manage anxiety
• How you cope with the responsibility
• How you deal with every manner of event from cliquey mums to bullying to truancy to back chat to whatever else parental life throws at you
• Step families and their impact
• Other siblings and their impact

I could add another 50 things but you get the idea. You have to sit down and think about you and nobody else because nobody else will be giving birth to and raising your child.

My DC are 17 and 19. ExH left just before 17 year old was born so I've raised them myself. He's never had them overnight or taken them away. Actually he's rarely has them by himself at all.

I can honestly say they're the absolute best thing I've ever done. They're my whole world.

I don't know if I did it wrong but I never found it hard. I loved it all and would go back and do it all again in a heartbeat if I could.