AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

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I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

@SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea you are an inspiration! You should be bloody proud of yourself. I was also chucked out at 17 and left high and dry, the first few years I had really bad ptsd but was luckily able to escape to uni on student loans and figure out who I was.
Would love for you to come share on Stately Homes, particularly around your positive EMDR experience xx

Nope I don't regret it. I regret the man I chose to be her father and I had difficult early years with DD due to sleep, skin conditions etc, but DD is my best little friend. She's amazing, makes me laugh everyday. I love her so much I sometimes cry a little.
I am not a natural mother and found lockdown with a 2/3 year old very very tough. I've had poor MH, problems with ILs and some bad arguments with DP.
Was it all worth it? Absolutely.

I've loads of childfree friends, their lives look amazing. You can have a brilliant life either way.
It's good to consider these things because a lot of people who have children, never do (me included). Keep talking to your husband.
Wishing you luck with your decision x

I am happily married with 3 teen/young adult kids aged 16-22. I don’t regret it and my family is the best thing that ever happened to me. However parenting takes a great deal of personal self-sacrifice, as well as sacrifice as a couple. If you think when you have kids they just slot into your current life it would be a rude awakening. Babies have evolved in such a way that they won’t be ignored and make sure they become the center of your world for their own survival. Babies and young children are completely dependent on you 24/7, you can’t say “I don’t feel like being a mum today, I’ll just pull a sickie and sleep in”. New mothers will laugh in your face at that idea.

I also see a psychologist for my own childhood trauma and recently she said to me that many (or most, can’t remember) women with my background would never have had kids. I had a very happy early childhood but then a very different teen age as both my parents died. This is the thing about life in general and especially families, there are absolutely no guarantees. In our case two of kids were treated for a very serious illness that could have killed them and I have had cancer, but we are all still here.

Without children you will grow old with no one younger, and if you have no children, definitely no grandchildren. So you have to accept your family life ends with yourself and your husband, no one will come after you or join you. That may seem fine in your 30s, but that means no younger family members directly related to you in your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s etc. I am not suggesting you have kids for that reason but you need to understand you are closing a door which cannot be opened again (at least to children that are biologically yours).

If you are not maternal and you feel extreme anxiety, maybe motherhood is not for you. On the other hand, after losing my parents, I absolutely love having a close knit family. Currently my girls like to go our socially a lot with me and they are adults, it’s amazing to think I have seen them into adulthood. And my marriage is still strong. Your marriage is the crucial part too, you need to have the same values and pull together as a team with kids.

You sound like me OP. I eventually decided I did want kids at 37. It took 2 years and had DS at 39 then DD at 41. It’s the best decision I made (DH wasn’t fussed either way).
we’re 55 now with a 15 & just 14 yr olds & it’s fab. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Best thing that ever happened, aged 4 and 6, they are wonderful

Never for a moment....but I always desperately wanted to be a mum from as long as I can remember, so somewhat different to your situation.

I couldn't have been more prepared in terms of feeling ready to throw myself head first in to parenting, and had large amounts of practice at looking after babies and young children.
But even so i was still totally unprepared for the relentless responsibility and intensity of having my own child, the pressures of having to be the one making all the decisions for this little person, and providing everything they needed again and again even when I felt mentally or physically done in.
I had postnatal anxiety with my first as I felt so much pressure.

BUT.....being a mummy is also the most inexplicably love inducing, rewarding, and fulfilling experience I have had and will ever have.

Having your own children definitely triggers difficult thoughts and feelings about your own parenting, but the main thing is that you are aware and willing to make changes to do things differently, which it sounds like you are.My DH had toxic and dysfunctional parents but is the best dad I know (I'm not just saying that because he is my kids dad, he really is a great parent!)

Only you can make the decision whether to go ahead or not.....nothing or nobody can fully prepare you for what it's like, so it's impossible to go in completely aware, but you sound like you are in a stable and positive situation to do so if that's what you choose :)

Sadly it's not always straightforward getting pregnant and female fertility starts to decline significantly after 35, so if you do decide to take the plunge better sooner than later!

www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/

I have three children and I honestly didnt know happiness till my first came along. It is relentlessly hard but I don't regret it for a minute.

I don't regret it at all, but honestly, mumsnet doesn't give a good insight into having kids, it's much better!

Do either of you have parents/ siblings or other extended family who will be involved with your DC? If the answer is no, things will be much harder.

My DC is the best thing in my life. Yet, I sometimes feel it was a bad decision to have an only child with no wider family support. She has two loving parents, but we are exhausted and have no respite...and I feel like she deserves more than two burnt out parents.

If the instinct is kicking in, one child is unlikely ruin your life. Im same age, have two, it's hard, but I dream of third.

I think this question should be aimed at people with teenagers.

You may get a very different answer from those with younger children!

I have two teens, they are awesome. My earlier response stands.

My dd is a teenager (17). She is fab and no trouble at all.

My earlier answer stands. I love being a parent and have never once regretted it.

Not all teenagers are nightmares!

Read some of the teen threads then decide... for me these years are the toughest because there's no real end in sight (well maybe another 6-10 years after 'adulthood' with the current situation!) Elderly parents needing attention at the same time... I don't think either decision will make you 100% happy! I can't imagine growing old with no family at all. My only sibling has no children, other family scattered across Canada / UK so I would have nobody. Then there's the potential heartbreak of awful things happening to your children FOREVER and the possibility one or more might never speak to you again or emigrate to Australia, or...

No regrets. But had the first in late 20's and my last two around your age. Your bio clock is ticking but I'm wondering if your unsure still at 37 if its right for you?

My 15 year old son is also the most lovely human being. My 19 year old.... Hard work but the most intelligent interesting person ( when the mood takes him)

I don't know how much any of these responses will actually help you as it's so individual and so unpredictable.

For my part, I was also on the fence, but in my early 30s I suddenly felt a need to have a child. V weird and went as soon as I gave birth. I loved DS with all my heart but I definitely mourned my childfree status strongly for about the first 3+ years and was scared I regretted him.

Now I couldn't imagine being without him (he's now 13) and it blows my mind how much I love him - I enjoy his company, we have similar tastes/sense of humour etc and it's so lovely seeing him become more independent and developing his own ideas and outlook on life etc.

Of course there's always the fear of dangers/challenges he will have to face, but that's what you sign up for and for me the pros outweigh the cons.

I don't think I could have done 2 children though, don't have that in me. It's like I was supposed to have DS, and very specifically him. DH did at one point in early days think 2 might've been better, but he's now very firmly in the glad we just had one camp.

Only you can make that decision. I have a 3 week old and I'm struggling with 'what have we done?' thoughts but I kind of knew I would feel like this at this stage. The baby needs me every minute of every day and I'm struggling with how selfless I'm having to be (both with the baby and with my husband who drives for work so I need him to be more well-rested than me or I'll worry about him driving all day!). We knew (to an extent) that be newborn stage wouldn't be my favourite, so at the moment, I'm having to process a lot of guilt for feeling 'what have we done?' ... especially when I know I will love having a toddler and an older child (and adult children).

The point I'm trying to make is that you need to consider the pros and cons of each stage of parenthood rather than just the overall yes/no. I don't think there is a single person in the world who hasn't had at least some regret after having a baby because it's bloody hard, but only you know whether the payoff will be enough vs the difficulties.

I hope that helps!!

Only you can answer this and you know that. There is absolutely no right or wrong answer.

Not the same conundrum obviously - but I always historically wanted 3 children. After my second I had quite a while of a limbo feeling where my 'plan' was telling me I wanted a third but I had to look around at my current life and think what do I REALLY want now, both heart and head are valid.

(we didn't try for number 3 and I'm completely happy with that decision EVEN while knowing a third would have been loved beyond measure and added to our lives in ways we can't guess. It would have also been very hard and required more energy of me than I have to spare )

OP if you are worried about regretting not having children, this is an interesting read.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-not-fear-regret-about-not-having-kids

Motherhood is incredible, I love it. I really do. The part I struggle with is the worry. I'm afraid for them in this scary old world. I feel guilty that I have brought them into a world with people who will hurt them. When they are older I know I will lie awake every night they're away from me worrying about them driving, drinking too much, fighting, being hurt. It's a really intense love but the worry and the guilt and the pain that comes with it is intense too. I don't think I'll ever really have peace of mind again.

I think it's hard having teenagers but not necessarily because of their behaviour.

For me I worry about them because of drugs, county lines, knife crime etc.

I've been lucky with three of mine but the fourth will be much more susceptible to making bad choices as he wants to impress his friends!

I don't regret having children, they bring me joy each day, it was the making is me. However it is also relentless, exhausting and limiting.

One DC has additional needs which has made me become a very different parent and person to what I was expecting. It is a constant battle to make sure they have access to everything they need, we worry about what our future as parents/ people hold and the worry for this child when we're not around is very real.

So Id not change my decision to be a parent but if a friend was on the fence I'd advise them to think long and hard about it and only have a child/children if they really really want them. Don't over romanticise the idea or look at it through rose tinted glasses. Our children make me feel lucky everyday but I could see how life would be much more difficult/ overwhelming for someone who wasn't all in.

I hope this makes sense. Isn't patronising or condescending, operating over here on very little sleep and lemsip.

I could’ve written this too at that point when my baby was a few weeks, now my little one is 2 and is awesome! I know it’s cliche but i promise it gets much better. You sound very sensible, realistic and pragmatic so kudos!