AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

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I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

Perfect. This is perfect. So only do it if you and your husband really want to OP

One of them is very difficult and as awful as it sounds, there are moments where I have regretted her. The worry never stops. I actually found it easier when they were younger and had manageable problems.

I am also feeling guilty that I have brought them into what is shaping up to be a really terrible world. Looking back, I am not sure I would have them now.

This. They are now thankfully functioning adults, no thanks to me though.

I’ve found parenting wonderful but extremely challenging.

Mine are 18 & 14 now. There have been some extremely tough times, especially with my older child who is disabled. I don’t regret them for a moment - they are the absolute centre of my life. But I desperately wanted them. If I hadn’t felt that way - if I’d been undecided or on the fence - I wouldn’t have had them. It’s such a huge commitment I just can’t imagine going into it with anything other than complete conviction that this was what I wanted. For that reason, when I got unexpectedly pregnant a third time, I terminated.

Just to add, that having 20s and most of my 30s to get all the city living, dating, partying, travelling and career stuff out my system has really been quite good. I do not miss it at all. I really wanted to settle down and do something different and most all I wanted to nurture, and create a future where the fun, laughter and chaos of children and maybe even grandchildren was the focus ❤️

For me, it feels like the cycle of life and for friends who don't have children, it seems like a life without seasons.

okay...

No, I have found having children, three boys, to be one of the most exciting and rewarding adventures in life. I'm the least sentimental person I know but it's been such a blast guiding these kids through their childhood and, with my older children at least, see the adults they will become beginning to emerge. And I have grown alongside them. No regrets here.

Love them to bits, wouldn't change it ever. But mine are easy kids, no long term health issues, behave well, travel well, sleep well. Gorgeous, well rounded kids.

I had no PND, I can afford them, we have fun, I love treating them and spending time with them, their dad is here and we're a proper family all chipping in to help one another.

That is not everyone's experience and threads on MN show that. People talking about sleep deprivation and nightmare holidays with toddlers and evil MILS and useless fucking men. It just doesn't apply to me and I'm extremely lucky.

I feel like I've sacrificed my body, my mental health, my career, my savings, my sleep, my sense of self, my fitness, my friendships, my hobbies, my confidence, my internal peace, and most of my marriage in having them. I could have had a very fulfilling and joy-filled life without them.
I regret that motherhood has had such a negative impact on my life, but I love my two little hooligans more than I imagined anyone could possibly love anything, and the moments of overwhelming pride and delight do make it easier to slog my way through the relentless drudgery.

Absolutely! 3 teens/20's. It's tough in many ways. Love them dearly and would do anything for him but one of them is hard work almost constantly . Someone is always having a drama, big kids, big problems !

If you'd have asked me 10 years ago I would have said yes. She's now a lovely teen and I love her company, and my brain (like childbirth) doesn't remember the awful feelings I had when she was small

This 100%

My DD saved me. I was so self destructive before I had her. I am a completely different person now. So I don’t regret it. I sometimes doubt if I have been a good enough parent, but I never regret having her.

You'll never know love like it, but also worry, fear and anxiety. It's exhausting and relentless. The best, but by far hardest, thing I have ever done. I don't regret it, but I do wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't have my DS!

I was on the fence and knew that DH and I would have a great life just the two of us but I had my first at 35, my second at 37. It’s bloody hard work, relentless and thankless at times but that’s all outweighed by the overwhelming love and pride that comes with raising these gorgeous little people. They’re the best thing I’ve ever done.

I was in the same boat as you - very undecided. Someone said to me "you will never regret having a child but you will regret not giving it a go" and i took their advice.

I'm 34 and my little girl is 15 months and I'm now expecting my 2nd later on in the year. It has been the toughest thing I've ever been through mentally and in the early days didn't even think my marriage would survive.

The fog lifts as baby gets older and I absolutely love being a mum and my daughter is an complete beam of joy in my life, if i could go back in time i would absolutely do it all again :)

I adore my children and love being a mum - it's all I ever dreamed of. But it's HARD. Mentally and physically. Only do it if you really want it desperately, not if you're on the fence.

My baby started the day today at 3:45am.

Best thing I’ve done my children- I didn’t want kids for many years due to a terrible childhood. My DH persuaded me and I can’t believe I nearly missed out! I wasn’t maternal really and was worried I’d be a terrible mum, but I love the bones off them and honestly it’s enriched my life in a way I just can’t explain!

Not for a second - wish I could have had more. My DC are preteen now and fab. Helps that DH has been an equal parent throughout, I know that should be a given but I’m forever getting told how unusual it actually is.

Nope never regretted them for a second. I absolutely adore them and they are my favourite people.

I have 3 and I don’t regret it at all but it is REALLY hard work so I wouldn’t do it unless you are totally sure. I always knew I wanted to be a mum so the sacrifices don’t seem that much like sacrifices to me if that makes sense, but ime the people who struggle most with parenthood are the ones who had ‘furthest to fall’ (so older, really nice life, lots of money, freedom, holidays etc) because their sacrifices are maybe a lot more apparent? I don’t regret having kids because I didn’t have this ‘other’ life that I gave up for them if that makes sense? It was always going to be them.

I think “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” probably sums it up.

No regrets at all.

PP are correct, there is no such thing as 50/50 parenting - even if you bottle feed, which does help. It is wonderful to have someone who tries though!

If I had my time again, I wouldn't have DC. Although I love DS now he's here, I know I could have lived a happier and more fulfilled life if I hadn't had DC.

Similarly to you, I'm not the most maternal of people - I've always been great with kids but never wanted any of my own.

Then I did have one and I regret it everyday. I've never been so mentally or physically exhausted. My DS is 4 and at school, so he's bringing home so many viruses at the moment. It's relentless everyday, life never stops. Once he's in bed, I'm sorting everything that's left over. I have a great support network, which allows me to work and have time off if I need it, and I'm extremely lucky and grateful for that support.

But, if I could, I'd go back and make a different decision. I suffer with depression, always have, so I don't know if that skews my thinking about things. Though he, I think and try my best to give, has a great and loving life with me.

The difficult thing is. You can plan for a child and love parenting. Plan for a child and hate parenting. You can not plan for a child but love parenting and not plan for a child and hate parenting. There's no blueprint, but it's up to you and your DH to decide if you want to give up your life as it is now (and any future child free plans) for the life that comes with a child.

Some people live it some hate it
You won't get any help by asking this question because everybody is different. All I can say is they change your life forever and once they are here you can not go back