Forced fun

[Floofydawg]

Here's the situation - am an over 50 woman in a wider team where I am the oldest. Most are in their 30's. We have a team day in the office in a couple of weeks and a meal has been arranged for after work, at our own expense. Not ideal but I'll go along and be a team player. Where my issue is, is that there's an activity after the meal which has been arranged which I've declined to go to as 1. it's not my thing and 2. it's all at own expense and quite frankly I don't want to spend money on something I don't want to do. The person organising has put pressure on me multiple times to attend the activity, this morning in front of the wider team on a call. This has really put my back up to the point I said I've already told you am coming for the meal but not interested in the activity so will be leaving after dinner.

AIBU and not a team player? Honestly sometimes I just think I'm too old for this shit and I can't be bothered. Am sure they all think I'm a grumpy old cow but am past caring.

Another vote for YADNBU. It’s really not on and tactless given the economic climate, regardless of how much you earn.

I love work, I’m a team player and I enjoy my colleagues’ company but I often say no to drinks etc. on a Friday evening, including a Christmas meal in a pub I had to pay for. After a long week, I want to relax with my family or see my friends - not talk about work and office politics with my colleagues. I got some pressure at first but now people don’t press at all as they know I won’t cave in.

As for organised fun, I’d rather pay to not do it! I promise I’m not as grumpy as I sound. I just think this sort of stuff is said to be for ‘wellbeing’ but it usually happens in workplaces where working conditions are not conducive to wellness, in my experience.

I think generally you’ll get more respect from other colleagues for saying up front that you won’t be going on to the activity than those who say they are going then don’t

@Floofydawg you can have some fun with this:

'The terms of my release say I have to be home before 9pm'. If anyone asks just say 'it's best you don't know'

'I have to be home before the dogs are released'

'I have to be plugged back into the charger by 9pm'

Why are your work not paying? Team building events can be deducted from their tax bill surely?

Forget them ‘calling you out’ - tell them that it’s highly inappropriate for a business to demand that employees fund compulsory team building events which are traditionally funded by the employer, but it’s even more inappropriate in a cost of living crisis, and that either this is a work event paid for by the business, in which case you’ll come as a ‘team player’, or it is personal out of hours socialising in which case you won’t be coming.

What this is really about is some low-level manager with no mates wanting to force you all to pretend to be his friends as part of your job.

@ZeldaB there's no budget. And it's not actually being badged as team building, just a night out. But it's very clear that it's not optional to at least attend some of it.

I don't even want to go for the meal now. Because I know that when I try to leave I'll get 'oh come on, stay out.'

I. Will. Lose. My. Shit

Hand them this clipping and explain, that this is why you do not go out, too often, after work. www.theguardian.com/business/2022/aug/22/pwc-sued-by-employee-who-lost-half-his-skull-after-pub-golf-outing

Yanbu I'd definitely be busy that day

I’m normally all for honesty and transparency but honestly, if I was being badgered like you’re being I’d come up with some elaborate lie, ideally one that makes them leave me the fuck alone and makes them feel a bit guilty, too. They’d drive me to it.

i agree with you re forced fun being painful! And even more so when it’s at your own expense but I don’t agree with the ‘over 50’ element. I’m 50 and my children are only 4, 6 and 8! I work in what is a very sociable job and I’d be horrified if colleagues dismissed me as ‘old’ and basically past it.

I feel like you've missed the point a bit. They clearly don't think I'm 'past it' as they want me there. But at my age I feel like I've got fuck all in common with 30 somethings and I just don't enjoy the same stuff as they do. This should be accepted instead of me having to force myself to pretend to be something I'm not.

I don't know why you're making it an age thing. I wouldn't have joined in with fake fun at any age (and didn't). Some 60 and 70 yr olds would love to do this. Some 19 yr olds would hate it. It's not age - it's personality. I didn't do this stuff in my 20s because I had fuck all in common with the kinds of people who enjoyed it - not because of anything age-related. Just say you've already got plans and leave it at that.

I used to get this at work too. I’m not ‘older’ (late twenties) but am not particularly sociable in the traditional way. They used to get on my case every time I declined a night out, family fun day or Christmas party until I eventually snapped back jokily with ‘I get paid to be with you Mon-Fri, I have no desire to do it of my own free will’. I do like most of my colleagues and am good friends with a couple of them but meals out with loads of people or crowded bars/parties have never been my thing and I’m not going to make myself uncomfortable for anyone. Although I’m still invited to events they just laugh when I say no now rather than try and change my mind. If a new person starts and tries to get me to go out they’re generally advised by everyone else not to bother. It hasn’t effected my relationships at work at all

‘I get paid to be with you Mon-Fri, I have no desire to do it of my own free will’.

This. And perhaps add "And I certainly don't see why it should be at my own expense."

I'm glad I'm retired now and out of this shit. They can fuck off and when they get there they can fuck off some more. Team building my arse - brainwashing, exploitative nonsense.

I'm guessing if you are among the higher earners you are management?

I'm on our management team and I once pointed out I them that while they kept banging on about inclusivity and doing activities that everyone can participate in, they were being very inclusive of the lower earners in the team or even those whose personal financial circumstances we don't know by insisting on doing activities at our own expenses and expecting people to split bills.

The nonsense fast stopped.

*were NOT being inclusive!

YANBU for not wanting to go. Just bare in mind that it's not the way to win friends and influence people.

Of course if you're at the point in your career where that's irrelevant, crack on.

How to be enough of a team player -

Go for the meal, take a group picture. At end of meal go to restaurant staff and pay for your share. Leave. Don't go round saying goodbyes - just slip out quietly. From your car, whatsapp the group with the picture saying 'thanks for a fun night, have fun at the games thing'.

I’m 50. I’m not above pulling the “Listen, I’m old, I’m tired, I’m menopausal AF. It’s all I can do to keep my shit together at work. I need my early nights or I will be a fucking gorgon at work and will not be able to be accountable for anything that comes from my mouth. Enjoy your evening. I’ll be in bed with a cup of tea.”

Why the hell should you have to participate in this shite to 'win friends and influence people' though? Is it not enough to be good at your job? But no, I don't need to win any friends.

@Fraaahnces that's a good one. I will use it.

The obvious answer to the person who said they would like to see you there is to hold the 'event' in working hours and fund it fully.

I have been responsible for a fair few and just can't imagine anyone paying for themselves.

We do a mix of lunch and evening meals and a mix of activities. We also pay careful attention to the feedback to adjust things in future. Even the lock down parties via Teams got lots of positive feedback

Any attempt to 'force' people to go and make them pay for themselves would mean we had already lost the argument in advance. It might indeed be worth having a read of the diversity and equality policy for some ammunition

But mostly, vote with your feet and don't pander to them. Their approach is so many kinds of wrong.

I HATE this kind of shit. My constant refusals ended up with "be more social" type comments in my annual appraisal. I still never changed. It's my time and my money, you don't own me!

You need wildly improbable hobbies with a clubnight each night:

Monday: pot riveting
Tuesday: pole dancing
Wednesday: hod carrying
Thursday: code breaking
Friday: all night strip poker

If asked for details just say that club rules mean you arent allowed to divulge.

Obviously nobody will believe you but you are letting them down with a laugh. Even if the reality is that you would rather stay home and worm the goldfish than attend a forced fun night.

Disclaimer: apologies to anyone who actively engages in any of my suggested hobbies. I'm sure they are good fun and perhaps I would enjoy it one night when I am not worming the goldfish

Tell them you're washing your hair! Wankers.

You forgot shin-kicking!