Forced fun

[Floofydawg]

Here's the situation - am an over 50 woman in a wider team where I am the oldest. Most are in their 30's. We have a team day in the office in a couple of weeks and a meal has been arranged for after work, at our own expense. Not ideal but I'll go along and be a team player. Where my issue is, is that there's an activity after the meal which has been arranged which I've declined to go to as 1. it's not my thing and 2. it's all at own expense and quite frankly I don't want to spend money on something I don't want to do. The person organising has put pressure on me multiple times to attend the activity, this morning in front of the wider team on a call. This has really put my back up to the point I said I've already told you am coming for the meal but not interested in the activity so will be leaving after dinner.

AIBU and not a team player? Honestly sometimes I just think I'm too old for this shit and I can't be bothered. Am sure they all think I'm a grumpy old cow but am past caring.

Nothing worse. The imposed blurring of personal life and work life. The idea seems to be that the more people know each other the better you will work as a team. Which is all very naive.
Going for a meal, fine. An activity afterwards - is it a club or casino? I would go to that and see it as an extension of the meal. You can leave pretty soonish.
Anything remotely exercise related after eating would be a no from me. Or too intrusive and nosy on a personal basis. No.
Worst are forced weekend events. And bring your DH. Really horrible.

I hate this type of thing to, it's so infuriating. Especially when people can't take no for an answer.

If they’re so keen for everyone to go then they could at least pay for it. Cheapskates. I’m in my 30s and hate this kind of thing. Hated it in my 20s too.

It's a pub games type thing. I hate that shite.

Also re the meal, I'm driving and they'll all be drinking. I bet we end up splitting the bill and I end up subsidising their booze.

Ugh, I think I might be 'ill' that day.

YANBU. Fuck that, your time and your money. If they want you to do that forced jollity shit then they need to organise something in their time and pay for it. I like my colleagues but they’re not my family or friends and they’re the ones who I choose to spend my free time with.

I organised the staff survey last year and there was a question about team building activities, inspired in part by one David Brent clone who’d organised an expensive team building activity after work and expected everyone to pay for themselves. The comments in the survey were ugly I can tell you, you’re definitely not alone in thinking that, but braver than most for having the balls to stand your ground.

Also re the meal, I'm driving and they'll all be drinking. I bet we end up splitting the bill and I end up subsidising their booze.

don't be passive. Get onto this before you go - tell them, don't ask TELL them that you will be paying for what you consume and a contribution to a tip and not one penny more. Get ahead of it.

I have two rules for enforced (i.e. not something I choose) works ‘fun‘:

It occurs in works time.

Work pays, not me.

I couldn’t give a stuff if that puts noses out of joint, or leads to accusations of not being a team player. But to be fair, if I say no, my colleagues and management haven’t pushed the point.

Well this is the problem - everyone else just goes along with it so I look like the miserable twat. But then I'm the only one who is over 50 and has fewer shits to give.

I'm not 50 yet but I have totally reached the stage of not giving two shits about out of work stuff. Everyone in my department barely even asks me any more as they know I am going to say no way.
There is no chance in hell I would be paying for any of what you are describing.

At the meal, I would have tap water and leave just for what I had eaten and £2 towards a tip.

I take delight in being very blunt if I am asked to anything, swearing is often involved in my explanation of why I don't want to go , also an explanation that I have a life already and don't need to fill my time hanging around with people I work with.

YANBU! If I didn’t want to do something and I was being made to pay for it from my own pocket not a chance I’d do it! Stick to your guns OP I’d let line manager know you weren’t happy about being put on the spot infront of everyone. I’d cite dignity at work and all that x

YANBU and you will not be the only one thinking "This is not how I want to spend my limited time or money".

Agree with the above. Have done things like escape rooms but during work time and paid for by work. Many will not stay beyond their paid hours for work events and no-one has any right to expect them to. Some people like to socialise after work with colleagues and others don't and this is why, if it is a required work "bonding" exercise or celebration or Christmas lunch etc. it has to be during working hours. Those who want to stay on afterwards and make a night of it, can do so.

Being pressured in a meeting in front of others is bullying behaviour. I would have called the colleague out on this in the meeting. Does it say anything about treating others fairly in a policy document or similar? I'd quote that at them in an email afterwards. It needs to be stopped.

If you do go to the dinner, tell the person serving your table that you'd like your bill separately before you sit down. Pre-empt any nonsense. Don't pay for anyone else's drinks and if you drive, don't say so or offer anyone a lift. Alternative is to get up as soon as you have finished eating and go and pay for your food. You can then quietly leave while they are asking for the bill.

I don’t mix work with pleasure as I like keeping them separate as my own time is precious. Just tell them that you’ve decided to keep your work and personal life separate too. If it’s team building work should be paying.
I bet if you stop going others will pluck up the courage to do the dame.

“I’ve said - several times - that I don’t want to come in my own time and at my own expense, please stop pressuring me to make up an elaborate lie to tell you as to the reasons I am unable to attend.”

Thought you might be interested in some research on ‘fun’ in the workplace / as part of work relations by scholar Peter Fleming. His analysis is that this move by firms to have employees to have ‘fun’ together is all about enhancing productivity, extending control over workers and deliberately breaking down barriers between work and home life. He’s not a fan….

The seemingly liberal regime is shown to be controlling by exposing more of the employees' (private) self to the corporation. This raises questions about the nature of workplace control, resistance and the meaning of authenticity at work

Workers’ Playtime? Boundaries and Cynicism in a “Culture of Fun” Program

Authenticity and the Cultural Politics of Work: New Forms of Informal Control by Peter Fleming

I wouldn't give a shit if I don't want to go, but if I did, I would be fine declining the forced fun, especially as it's at your own cost.

Re. the meal, if you think it may end up being split and you're leaving early anyway, get prepared with cash, then you can round what you owe to the nearest pound, leave that and skip off before the split happens.

Please don't fake illness, be honest and say no.

I hare all that 'team building' crap. It is treating employees like children.

If I were you, I wouldn't even bother going for the meal.

One thing age gives us is the balls to stand up for ourselves. People spend enough time at work; why should it encroach on our precious home lives and free time.

Sod that. I work in work time, I socialise with colleagues if I want to.

Personally I have enough of my own interests and responsibilities in the evenings, and would absolutely not be doing anything like this, unless it was in my contract to do so.

If my employer hasn't built a good team during work time then it's on them to do so. I'm not enabling their shortcomings.

Ghetto golf? <sick face emoji>

@MaidOfSteel the best team building is recruiting the right people to begin with.

Yes, this. Anything else is just socialising and you can choose what you do and don't want to do at any time for any reason. In certain industries, I accept that there is a certain amount of out-of-work socialising and events but I would expect those to be paid for by the company, and not individual employees.

When I worked in the city, the employee handbook even mandated under what conditions we could get a paid-for cab. From memory, if working late or attending a work-related event after 9pm.

YANBU. I wouldn't even go to the dinner, even if it was funded.

I wouldn't even go to the meal, I have told my team I am not sociable and to stop inviting me because I just won't go. It's up to you and if people pressure you, it's rude, why should you bow to their wishes/conform to their idea of how you should be?

I’d stick to your guns. You are paying to come to the meal but not coming anything else - no reason needed. It’s your time and money. Do not over pay (save change now so you can give money and leave)