Forced fun

[Floofydawg]

Here's the situation - am an over 50 woman in a wider team where I am the oldest. Most are in their 30's. We have a team day in the office in a couple of weeks and a meal has been arranged for after work, at our own expense. Not ideal but I'll go along and be a team player. Where my issue is, is that there's an activity after the meal which has been arranged which I've declined to go to as 1. it's not my thing and 2. it's all at own expense and quite frankly I don't want to spend money on something I don't want to do. The person organising has put pressure on me multiple times to attend the activity, this morning in front of the wider team on a call. This has really put my back up to the point I said I've already told you am coming for the meal but not interested in the activity so will be leaving after dinner.

AIBU and not a team player? Honestly sometimes I just think I'm too old for this shit and I can't be bothered. Am sure they all think I'm a grumpy old cow but am past caring.

I know what you mean but the reality is most workplaces require some degree of "participation" and it's quite hard to argue that you shouldn't have to have any social contact in this day and age. I think a meal is reasonable (as long as you can get there and get on with your colleagues). Being bullied into attending an activity you don't want to go to is not.

😂😂

If they want you to participate you really shouldn’t have to be paying for it.

I should have said 'I can think of something - I'd like to go home and go to bed now fuck off and leave me out of your 'fun

You are quite right. I don't mind going out for the odd meal with my colleagues (we also have to pay for this ourselves) but definitely no organised activities!

I'd probably have made an excuse rather than said I don't want to join in, just to keep the peace. I do quite like my colleagues though - just not team building activities.

I went to our work Xmas lunch. We bought our own drinks, but some of us had one course, others 3, yet the bill was split equally. I questioned it after, and was made to feel like a party pooper, so I just won’t go in future.

You shouldn’t have to share reasons though. It’s your own time and money. There may be lots of reasons you wouldn’t want to share with a random colleague organising an activity eg pub games - an alcoholic or someone who doesn’t drink alcohol for religious reasons might not want to go but not want to spell it out to organiser.
Same with meal. I worked with a woman who clearly had an eating disorder or sensory food issues. If we went for a curry she just said no, no one pressured her.

YANBU

I wouldn’t even go to a work meal out of hours. I don’t go to Christmas parties. But I do my job well so have no guilt.

What’s with all this fucking team building shit in working time these days? What a waste of time and money.

Reminds me of the dreaded, 'NHS Away Days', where we're all forced to picnic in the park together. The picnic was bad enough listening as people took it in turns spilling their personal stories and wiped tears followed by mindless platitudes then we all had to get into teams and play rounders! The men of course took this as their time to show how 'sporty' they were as they lumbered about with the bats like idiots screaming .. absolutely hated it!

Good for you @Floofydawg

The thing is I'm one of the highest earners in the team so claiming poverty isn't really going to cut it.

you don't need to claim poverty. You could, if you wanted agree to split the bill regardless, but i don't think you should feel pressured to do so.

Just keep repeating "no, thank you" and just leave it. And any pushback? Tell them that you have given your answer and pestering you won't make you change your mind.

Then send them the Tea Consent video

Then send them the Tea Consent video

Haha yes! Good one.

I wouldn't even show up for the dinner. Seriously.

@Floofydawg regarding the cost of dinner — I’d ensure to ask the server to give you a separate check. That way you only pay for your own food and drink. Frame it as you’re leaving earlier than others, or hell, don’t even bother with that pretense either.

Either travel by public transport, or tell them in advance you will only be paying for what you actually eat and drink plus something towards service charge.

So not only are you giving up your time (unpaid) you're paying for it too! That is really, really shitty Floofydawg. I bet you're not the only one pissed off with this set up either, especially now when people are watching their money. Without knowing the dynamics of your company, are you in a position where you can comfortably tell the higher ups that expecting people to pony up for a work event is unreasonable? Not that you should have to of course - it's a bloody given.

Back in the 00s when I was just out of uni I had to go on an unspeakably awful team building weekend where we were made to jog on the spot, introduce ourselves and then run around the room high-fiving everyone. And this being the 00s, the male managers had an actual presentation featuring who they voted the best looking female staff, who they referred to as the A list. But the absolute piece de resistance was the three legged scavenger hunt where I spent several hours tethered to the office creep. I left that place as soon as I could. Twenty years later, it still makes me cringe and it was about as much fun as a traffic jam.

@SpacePotato this thread is the first I've heard of axe throwing being the latest thing! No way would I be going to a smash up, that kind of thing upsets me.

but A games room with Aur Hicky...sign me up!!

@Floofydawg when you're next in Teams, tell her you've been thinking about the night out & that you've changed your mind...(she'll get all smug 'she talked you into it' then tell her you now won't be going to dinner either because if her bullying attitude!

I don't care about looking like a miserable twat, I'm quite happy to tell my employers I'm too old for this sort of bollocks. I used to work somewhere that was keen on camping events, and if it was more swanky and in a hotel they expected to make us share a bedroom. I very firmly told them camping simply wasn't going to happen and if they wanted me to go they would have to book me into a nearby B&B or hotel; likewise for the hotels I just told them no-one wanted to hear me snore so I wasn't sharing with anyone.

This.
The fact you are attending a meal you are paying for yourself is more than enough.

I'm quite happy to tell my employers I'm too old for this sort of bollocks

I'd say 12 is too old for this bollocks. Why is it acceptable to infantilise and humiliate professional working adults?

One of the joys of being older is the confidence to refuse attendance at this sort of shit. Just don’t turn up. And as for the plonker repeatedly pushing you to go, fix them with a beady stare and hiss “Once more, and we take it to HR as harassment. Got it?”

I actually love a good work get together; but harassment of people who don’t want to go is absolutely not on.

The bosses are actually treading on very thin ice allowing this sort of bullying for not attending an event that actually excludes a lot of people who could tick all sorts of equality act boxes - disability, religion, age, sex (parents/carers).

If that harassment continued I’d be inclined to send an email reminding the managers of this.

Thicken up your skin and stop feeling bad about it. You don't want to go, you've sad you don't want to go, so that's all there is to it. Why do you care what they think?

Yes, ace throwing seems to be top of everyone's fun list where I am too, but fortunately HR (ironically already known as the fun police) have banned it.

Axe FFS!

A team day you have to pay for wow that company is tight. Anyway you shouldn't feel pressured at all age doesn't matter. My hubby has gone only for the team meal last 2 years as we now have 3 lil ones before that he went to both bits and luckily he knows how hard it is with 3 so now goes for meal and declines activity and he isnt pressured at all by anyone.