Forced fun

[Floofydawg]

Here's the situation - am an over 50 woman in a wider team where I am the oldest. Most are in their 30's. We have a team day in the office in a couple of weeks and a meal has been arranged for after work, at our own expense. Not ideal but I'll go along and be a team player. Where my issue is, is that there's an activity after the meal which has been arranged which I've declined to go to as 1. it's not my thing and 2. it's all at own expense and quite frankly I don't want to spend money on something I don't want to do. The person organising has put pressure on me multiple times to attend the activity, this morning in front of the wider team on a call. This has really put my back up to the point I said I've already told you am coming for the meal but not interested in the activity so will be leaving after dinner.

AIBU and not a team player? Honestly sometimes I just think I'm too old for this shit and I can't be bothered. Am sure they all think I'm a grumpy old cow but am past caring.

I'm old enough to remember when companies used to provide training instead of this shit.

Jane Austen had it right about Forced Fun in Emma, where she describes a picnic at Box Hill-everyone went to be happy but no-one was.

You're quite right-don't go unless you are in an actual team like Manchester United. Otherwise, totally unnecessary.

@SpacePotato my work has organised one of those wreck it rooms £25 per person of our own money. Not a chance

WTF is a wreck it room??!

Ive never gone to any works do after work. I think its really cheeky to ask you to go and pay. Just say ive told you no and if you keep pushing it im going to H R.

Honestly, I’d make a point of going above the head of the person who is organizing the shit show and complain. Say that you had already felt pressurized to go to the dinner, and then they put you on the spot in front of everyone on the zoom call. You felt embarrassed and didn’t want to have to come right out and spell out that with the cost of living, every spare penny is accounted for at the moment and you can’t even really afford the dinner. Not only is it something you don’t really want to do as you don’t have anything in common with anyone else due to age demographic, you literally resent being pushed into spending money you don’t have to spare to do so. You don’t mind at all being a team player while at work, but not in your own time and at your own expense.

The thing is I'm one of the highest earners in the team so claiming poverty isn't really going to cut it. However I've had a number of expenses this month which have left me shorter than usual so it is kind of a push to do the evening - I'd just like to keep costs down.

That's totally out of order to raise this on the group call. If it's at own expense and someone declines then that should be the end of it. They have no idea of your financial priorities.

Even if you were a millionaire if you didn’t want to go then you shouldn’t go. If you say it often enough after a while they stop asking. I didn’t go on any works events for about the last three years. I have little enough time to socialise with all different parts of family and proper friends to be wasting time with work colleagues

I'm 36, a raging extrovert and like my colleagues. However, there is NO WAY IN HELL I would be paying for my own work meal or team building exercise. WTF?

If the company wants us to do meals out together or teambuilding, they can pay.

I wouldn’t give excuses it doesn’t matter why not going - you have a life and commitments outside work.
I’d really be tempted to point out to pressuriser that it’s inappropriate as it’s outside work time and at own expense. There may be colleagues who aren’t as confident as you who are going when then can’t really afford it.

YANBU. And take this opportunity to be assertive, show confidence, and set boundaries. That is so cool. I´m sure some of the other people dont really want to join either, they´ll look up to you.

If it was paint balling or something of that ilk there is no way Id go. Id probably tell them my tena lady cant cope with that much excitement. that would shut them up.

Why lie? The organiser needs to be made to realise that you can't bully people to satisfy your own ego. When I was working I would occasionally go for the staff meal but never went to the after events. I find the idea that having to socialise with people just because you work in the same place very strange.

I’m like you OP -as the oldest member of my team (I’m late forties, others all twenties & thirties) I’d be fine with going to the dinner but would have less than zero interest in the ‘fun’ activity.

It always amuses me that my workplace, like many others I’m sure, is always going on about the importance of diversity and inclusion yet seems to have this blind spot when it comes to the age diversity of staff. In particular the fact that not everyone is going to want to do the fun social activities dreamt up by a group of people all in their mid twenties.

After that kind of pressure I'd backtrack on the meal too.

I think you are being very good even going to the meal, as you have to pay for it yourself.

I think it's really cheeky to put pressure on people anyway, but especially if it's self-funded.

What people often forget about these events is the fact that some of us need our sleep, and we don't want to get home at say midnight and have to get up normal time next day for a normal day's work!

I have no idea why people get so offended about this sort of thing. Surely you only want to socialise with people who want to socialise with you, rather than people who are there under sufferance and will be miserable?

I don't care if they think I am a grumpy old cow. I am paid to work, not socialise.

YANBU. If you'd refused to go to the meal that would have been a bit grumpy. But no reason on earth you should have to go along to, and pay for, an activity you won't enjoy.

It always amuses me that my workplace, like many others I’m sure, is always going on about the importance of diversity and inclusion yet seems to have this blind spot when it comes to the age diversity of staff

It isn't even age though is it? I have always needed my sleep. And I've never been that sociable.

You know the old adage "it's better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"?

Well you can apply it to these situations too. "It is better not to attend an event and be thought to be grumpy, than to attend and to remove all doubt"

I would say now that you're not going to the dinner. Why bother and waste your own cash and your own time too. You see these people at work and that’s enough.

I think being "forced" to pay for a meal in your own time is cheeky as well. Especially with the cost of living crisis.

Your income isn't relevant. The fact is you don't want to spend your own money on this activity.

That should be an end of it.

If they think it's that important, they will do it in work time and pay for it.

@Floofydawg it seems like you smash things with a hammer for fun? Totally ridiculous

@UpperLowerMiddleClass that's a very good point regarding age diversity.
The organiser actually said to me a week go, when I said that the activity wasn't my thing, 'well what would you like to do? It would be a shame for you not to be there.' I replied that honestly I wasn't bothered and was happy to just go for dinner. He then said 'well if you think of anything then let me know as I'd like you to be there.' I ignored that message. Then it was brought up again this morning like I said. So much pressure to do something that I really don't want to do. I should have said 'I can think of something - I'd like to go home and go to bed now fuck off and leave me out of your 'fun'!!

Whenever any sort of 'fun' activity is suggested my normal response is to say I have a note from my mum which says that Gnome is excused PE today.

I'm in my mid 50s. I have done my fair share of enforced jollity and am well beyond the age where comparing hangovers the next day has any appeal.