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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a little bit "off"?

303 replies

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 07:53

I took my DD (just turned 2) swimming yesterday to a place we haven't been before. When we came out there was a little cafe and small toddler play area inside the cafe, with a little play kitchen and a few toys etc. I got a coffee for me and my friend and a snack for toddler, and we sat at a table very near to the play area as my toddler had already ran over to the little kitchen to play. Friend and I were sitting chatting and drinking our coffees watching toddler play. Next moment, a lady arrives at the table next to us with a small baby and toddler who looked similar in age to my DD. He ran over to play next to my DD and showed interest in the toys she was playing with (a little pretend till and an abacus type thing). He stood beside her looking at the toys and at my DD as toddlers do. All good so far. I cheerily said to DD "are you going to play with the little boy darling? You must share" etc. Obviously she's still very young so the concept of sharing is a new one. The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy. The other mum then stood up, went over to where they were playing, reached over the top of my DD's head and took the till, and moved it to the other side of the little play area. Her son followed and began playing with it by himself. My DD just watched then looked at me and burst out crying. I went over to her and tried to distract with another toy and said nothing to the mum. I was annoyed though, thinking was that really necessary? They weren't fighting over the toy, they were just playing side by side and learning to share as 2 year olds do. Also, I attempted to engage her in friendly conversation about it so would have felt nicer if she had maybe addressed me and said "oh I know it's hard isn't it, shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it" or something similar. Anything really other than just silently removing a toy away from my DD unnecessarily.

The whole interaction just felt really off. I've been to many a soft play / parks etc with DD and got chatting to many mums of toddlers. I've never come across anyone as stony and "off" as this. Maybe that's why it threw me. Usually other mums of toddlers get what's it's like and are friendly in their understanding of what it's like to parent a 2 year old. I get all mums won't be as friendly but this was just bizarre.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just for some perspective I suppose as I'm not sure why this upset me and wonder if I am overthinking this or if it seems a normal thing to do?

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 07:57

Why “must” your very young child share with a random stranger

do you share with people you don’t know, have never met before and will never meet again?

Ponoka7 · 06/03/2023 07:57

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and put it down to her not wanting any conflict because she's at coping level with a new baby and toddler.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 07:58

Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 07:57

Why “must” your very young child share with a random stranger

do you share with people you don’t know, have never met before and will never meet again?

Because she was playing with toys in a public play area and they don't belong to her? Thought that was obvious.

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 07:58

I never got this.

I encouraged my children to share if we’d invited over friends to play

but never ever with random children. Why would you force a barely beyond baby years to share with a stranger when we as adults would not share our precious things with strangers

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/03/2023 07:59

Maybe she was frustrated that your told your DD to share but then didn't get up and encourage her to do so when she refused.

passtheolives · 06/03/2023 07:59

Sounds like you were more interested in chatting to your friend and she had to step in 🤷‍♀️

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 07:59

Really odd. Your DD was playing with it first.

you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?" but if your DD was playing with it why should she stop? I'd have gone with "when you're finished this little boy is waiting for a go" and then a "last go with the toy then we have to let this boy have a go" once she'd had a decent go with it.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 07:59

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/03/2023 07:59

Maybe she was frustrated that your told your DD to share but then didn't get up and encourage her to do so when she refused.

I didn't say she refused?

OP posts:
fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 08:00

Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 07:57

Why “must” your very young child share with a random stranger

do you share with people you don’t know, have never met before and will never meet again?

Yes this is what I was trying to say.

Don't condition your daughter to be a people pleaser

Whataretheodds · 06/03/2023 08:00

Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 07:58

I never got this.

I encouraged my children to share if we’d invited over friends to play

but never ever with random children. Why would you force a barely beyond baby years to share with a stranger when we as adults would not share our precious things with strangers

They're not her precious things. It's like taking turns on gym equipment, or a pool table in a pub.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:00

passtheolives · 06/03/2023 07:59

Sounds like you were more interested in chatting to your friend and she had to step in 🤷‍♀️

😂😂

Yeah, right. Except I literally had DD in my eye line the entire time.

OP posts:
Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:00

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 07:59

Really odd. Your DD was playing with it first.

you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?" but if your DD was playing with it why should she stop? I'd have gone with "when you're finished this little boy is waiting for a go" and then a "last go with the toy then we have to let this boy have a go" once she'd had a decent go with it.

Just trying to be polite I guess. I didn't think teaching her to share was a a bad thing. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:02

@Whataretheodds

Exactly! I'd never teach her to share her own "precious things". These were toys in a shared public play space.

OP posts:
footstoop · 06/03/2023 08:02

Why would you force a barely beyond baby years to share with a stranger when we as adults would not share our precious things with strangers

yes but these weren't the OPs precious things...

Siameasy · 06/03/2023 08:03

Your DD didn’t have to share and the little boy should’ve been told to wait his turn. You made it easy for the other mum to do what she did because you were trying to be nice but in future don’t pander to ill-mannered people.
Just chalk it up to experience and next time you could say something like “it’s ok darling he probably wants a go he can have it when you’ve finished”.

hairpuller · 06/03/2023 08:03

To me it does sound like she was probably annoyed you didn't get up or actively try to encourage your daughter to play with something else, you just continued chatting and drinking coffee.

Not that I think you should have done that- it just seems to be what annoyed her id guess.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:03

For those making up that my DD "refused" to share, here is what I said happened:

*The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy.
*
They both continued to play with the toy alongside each other after I said about sharing. The mum then got up and went over.

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 08:04

Ah not her toy
still… at 2, I would not force sharing. She has the toy for a reasonable period of time. Then after a while if still interested, I go to her and say “ok love, time to move on to another toy now as nice to let others have a go”
i would stay for a a couple of mins and then take the toy

Dotcheck · 06/03/2023 08:04

Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 07:58

I never got this.

I encouraged my children to share if we’d invited over friends to play

but never ever with random children. Why would you force a barely beyond baby years to share with a stranger when we as adults would not share our precious things with strangers

Because they toy doesn’t belong to her? They are for public use, and it would be rude to monopolise? Because we live in a community, and its ok to start teaching children from a young age how to live in that community….

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 06/03/2023 08:06

I think it was really nice if you to encourage your child to share the public toys. The other mum sounds like she was having a VERY hard day or maybe a tough time generally with the baby plus toddler. Keep being friendly and keep teaching the social skills you're trying to instill, well done

Caviarandgelatine · 06/03/2023 08:06

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:02

@Whataretheodds

Exactly! I'd never teach her to share her own "precious things". These were toys in a shared public play space.

And she was there first, playing with the till first. Why you kept telling her to share is beyond me, she wasn't hitting the other child or anything.

It's really important to teach girls that their boundaries are important and they don't have to "be kind" all the time.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:06

hairpuller · 06/03/2023 08:03

To me it does sound like she was probably annoyed you didn't get up or actively try to encourage your daughter to play with something else, you just continued chatting and drinking coffee.

Not that I think you should have done that- it just seems to be what annoyed her id guess.

I don't get this. I verbally prompted her to share and I never took my eye off her. She was right in my eye line where I was sitting. Why did I need to go over? There was no fighting or bad behaviour going on. Just a few short lived cries. Equally, why didn't the other mum go over and encourage her son to play with something else? If DD had got to the play area when another child was playing with something that's precisely what I'd have done - diverted her to play with a toy that was free.

OP posts:
gooseduckchicken · 06/03/2023 08:07

I wouldn't overthink it. Some people like striking up conversations with random strangers, some people don't.

I don't think there was any need for you to encourage your child to play with the boy or share with him. Just leave the kids to it.

Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 08:07

She’s 2
She is playing with a toy
Un less she’s dominated it for an unreasonable amount of time, no bloody way am I forcing my very very young toddler to “share”. Sharing doesn’t work at this age as they can’t play together!

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:08

My friend who is very level headed and not overly sensitive like I can admittedly be, even commented on the way home about how rude it seemed. That's what made me think maybe it's not me here being sensitive, so thought I'd see what MN thought.

OP posts: