To think this was a little bit "off"?

[susiesuelou]

I took my DD (just turned 2) swimming yesterday to a place we haven't been before. When we came out there was a little cafe and small toddler play area inside the cafe, with a little play kitchen and a few toys etc. I got a coffee for me and my friend and a snack for toddler, and we sat at a table very near to the play area as my toddler had already ran over to the little kitchen to play. Friend and I were sitting chatting and drinking our coffees watching toddler play. Next moment, a lady arrives at the table next to us with a small baby and toddler who looked similar in age to my DD. He ran over to play next to my DD and showed interest in the toys she was playing with (a little pretend till and an abacus type thing). He stood beside her looking at the toys and at my DD as toddlers do. All good so far. I cheerily said to DD "are you going to play with the little boy darling? You must share" etc. Obviously she's still very young so the concept of sharing is a new one. The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy. The other mum then stood up, went over to where they were playing, reached over the top of my DD's head and took the till, and moved it to the other side of the little play area. Her son followed and began playing with it by himself. My DD just watched then looked at me and burst out crying. I went over to her and tried to distract with another toy and said nothing to the mum. I was annoyed though, thinking was that really necessary? They weren't fighting over the toy, they were just playing side by side and learning to share as 2 year olds do. Also, I attempted to engage her in friendly conversation about it so would have felt nicer if she had maybe addressed me and said "oh I know it's hard isn't it, shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it" or something similar. Anything really other than just silently removing a toy away from my DD unnecessarily.

The whole interaction just felt really off. I've been to many a soft play / parks etc with DD and got chatting to many mums of toddlers. I've never come across anyone as stony and "off" as this. Maybe that's why it threw me. Usually other mums of toddlers get what's it's like and are friendly in their understanding of what it's like to parent a 2 year old. I get all mums won't be as friendly but this was just bizarre.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just for some perspective I suppose as I'm not sure why this upset me and wonder if I am overthinking this or if it seems a normal thing to do?

I just want to shake my head for the generations to come.
Aye, cos the last generations had it alllll figured out with child rearing didn’t you? 🙄

So if you’re having a game of pool in the pub and someone else comes and stands right next to you do you immediately stop mid game and give them the cues? Or do you say “we’re in the middle of a game here, mate. Will pass the cues and balls on to you when we’re done”.

I remember this situation from the toddler years - if my child had a toy first and another approached, I would cheerily set about making my child share or distracting them with something else. But if my child tried to play with something another child had, I would tell them to wait their turn or again distract them. ‘taking turns’ was a more useful concept than ‘sharing’.

i never really got to the bottom of this etiquette business but I do agree with you that she was rude, OP. I maybe she wasn’t watching properly and thought her child was there first - I wouldn’t dwell on it.

Maybe she was having an off day or maybe she was a nightmare. Reminds me of getting a lecture on my failed parenting skills (two year old was having a crazy run around in a safe kid friendly outdoor area, well away from the calm adult space, after hours of travelling) from an overly posh and very snide stranger. Saw her later in the car park with her older kid (8-10 ish) behaving horribly. Was tempted to repeat it back to her, but somehow managed not to.

I think there's confusion between sharing and taking turns. Sharing, as in playing with the same toy together, is something older children can do more easily than young ones. Taking turns is easier for young children as they often don't play together, although they are sometimes reluctant to relinquish the toy!

You wished the woman would have said shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it

This makes me wonder were they sharing or were they fighting? Why would you have wanted the mum to say the above if they were just sharing nicely? The fact that when your DD was asked to share she started crying probably already made this woman think she wasn't going to share. And then your comment above sounds like they were then fighting.

But other than that, if she was playing nice and just pressing buttons in a nice way then this woman was out of order. If she was fighting and being unkind I get why she moved the till to be honest.

I think you are over thinking it. She has a baby and a two year old. She's probably knackered and barely thinking. Who knows why she took them there... maybe she was having the best day in weeks and decided to get out the house? Maybe she was barely keeping it together and needed to be somewhere the toddler might be occupied? Maybe she's just fine but a bit shy and not into 'mum chat'? We will never know. But it doesn't really matter...?!

@MRex

You've literally made up that I was "yelling across the room" though.

I said in my OP: we sat at a table very near to the play area

I've also repeatedly said that Dd was in my eye line the entire time. I didn't need to raise my voice in the slightest- our table was literally adjacent, like a couple of feet if that, from the play area.

But they were both playing with the toy!

Other mum was off. Sharing is a lesson to be learnt, but so is waiting your turn, and it was cruel of her to remove the toy (that did not belong to anyone). I wouldn’t worry about it. You’ll mainly meet other lovely parents I’m sure, but it’s the off ones you tend to remember - you just have to try and forget and gladly think you’ll probably never see her again.

It was inevitable that problems would happen.

You can't share all toys. Some toys are best played with by taking turns because it's one small item rather than say a box of Lego which can be shared as there's lots of pieces. Older kids would probably have settled on a game where one person is the customer, the other scans then they swap so both get to play with the till. 2x 2 year olds would want to touch the till buttons now and if left to their own devices then I would have predicted one of them grabbing and moving it.

Having 2 kids share a till is the equivalent of suggesting you share your chair because the coffee shop is full. Wouldn't you drink your coffee quickly and leave rather than share your seat? In real life adults don't actually share very often - "can I share your car?" is obviously ridiculous. You don't want to create a child who ends up being a pushover because nothing is hers even temporarily.

If you don't watch out your dd will never get to enjoy a communal toy 100% because she will end up worried about other people's feelings over her own. Other kids will be fine waiting a few minutes for their turn.

The other mum could have handled things differently too but since this is written from your perspective I thought I'd comment on what you wrote.

I can’t understand some of the replies on here! Some people just like to be negative towards the OP no matter what! The other mother was extremely rude to take the toy off your DD when they were both playing with it and give it to her son for his sole use. That is clear cut to me, I can’t understand why many people don’t see that. She was pretty rude in what she said to you too. Some people are just like that OP. They’re best ignored.

She was probably knackered and didn’t have the social battery to talk or deal with a social situation? She could have been doing damage limitation before they started fighting over it as she felt she just couldn’t cope if that happened due to tiredness or whatever.

There are literally so many reasons she could have done this but you’ll never know as you’re not inside her head. People
forget that everyone else in the world has a life of their own with troubles. just because you were in a great mood chatting with your friend doesn’t automatically mean a random stranger has to match your energy! She could have been having a bad day.

Sharing is more about attitude than performance. People who insist on children sharing immediately are missing the point.

If you tell a child who is playing with a toy that they have to share with a newcomer, you can create resentment and frustration or you can make them feel that other people are entitled to come along and take from them.

Better to invite the child in with a friendly word as an adult, and pass them a different toy. If they are fixed on the toy your child has, try making the other toy more attractive by animating it and demonstrating play. Your child might prefer the other toy and drop the first one anyway. If not, then don't force your child to give it up. Explain that she's playing with it at the moment and there are lots of other nice toys there.

Some children will want to give up the toy if the other child is upset. You can praise them for kindness, but try not to hook into the concept of sharing at this point. It's an act of kindness, not fairness.

Sharing is an adult concept at this age. Children are managing their own feelings and making decisions about whether they want to hang on to a toy or give it up.

There was no fighting. I've already said that.

I meant I wanted her to engage in some sort of polite conversation, maybe even "oh just in case they start bickering shall I move it away - you know want 2 year olds can be like, haha" etc. I simply meant, some sort of engagement with me as the other parent would have felt more polite and less hostile.

Very clearly explained twice OP. Many replies seem to be missing the context. You showed lovely care of your dd and understanding that this was a shared play area. The other mum didn't and took her 2 yo away from playing with your dd. Very strange. She may be very unhappy or something. 🤷‍♀️
FWIW as a mum of 5 I think you did just the right thing.

Because you completely misread her post.

Well to be fair I'd had several nights of poor sleep with my DD myself, so, yeah I get that. It doesn't make me rude and hostile to people though 🤷‍♀️

She sounded really rude and her son should have waited his turn really.

Yes thankfully I've met lots of lovely ones too, some of whom I've exchanged numbers with and subsequently became friends with just from chatting at a soft play, which is lovely. But it's the bad ones who stick for some reason isn't it.

I know, odd isn't it!!

@Twentyfirstcenturymumma

Thank you.

If its definitely as you say, then the woman was a gobshite. I'd have had to say something to her and I'm not a confrontational type of person.

Sure, but again you don’t know her story. She could be being beaten at home or something, there are loads of reasons people might be closed off from wanting to
make idle chat with strangers.

Not me, I’m a chatterbox! But I do like
to think the best of people and also
not let small interactions like this get into my head in the way you are. Let it go!

And you are doing the right thing. We live in the world with other people, we have to learn to live alongside them, to recognise their existence, share our physical space with them . It is not teaching your child to be a doormat to show her that other people have needs and feelings just as she does. You are teaching your child to be a social animal, which is what human beings are. At two years of age children are beginning to meet and experience people outside their immediate family circle, they need to learn how to negotiate new relationships, you are teaching your daughter this skill and allowing her to develop. Well done you.