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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a little bit "off"?

303 replies

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 07:53

I took my DD (just turned 2) swimming yesterday to a place we haven't been before. When we came out there was a little cafe and small toddler play area inside the cafe, with a little play kitchen and a few toys etc. I got a coffee for me and my friend and a snack for toddler, and we sat at a table very near to the play area as my toddler had already ran over to the little kitchen to play. Friend and I were sitting chatting and drinking our coffees watching toddler play. Next moment, a lady arrives at the table next to us with a small baby and toddler who looked similar in age to my DD. He ran over to play next to my DD and showed interest in the toys she was playing with (a little pretend till and an abacus type thing). He stood beside her looking at the toys and at my DD as toddlers do. All good so far. I cheerily said to DD "are you going to play with the little boy darling? You must share" etc. Obviously she's still very young so the concept of sharing is a new one. The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy. The other mum then stood up, went over to where they were playing, reached over the top of my DD's head and took the till, and moved it to the other side of the little play area. Her son followed and began playing with it by himself. My DD just watched then looked at me and burst out crying. I went over to her and tried to distract with another toy and said nothing to the mum. I was annoyed though, thinking was that really necessary? They weren't fighting over the toy, they were just playing side by side and learning to share as 2 year olds do. Also, I attempted to engage her in friendly conversation about it so would have felt nicer if she had maybe addressed me and said "oh I know it's hard isn't it, shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it" or something similar. Anything really other than just silently removing a toy away from my DD unnecessarily.

The whole interaction just felt really off. I've been to many a soft play / parks etc with DD and got chatting to many mums of toddlers. I've never come across anyone as stony and "off" as this. Maybe that's why it threw me. Usually other mums of toddlers get what's it's like and are friendly in their understanding of what it's like to parent a 2 year old. I get all mums won't be as friendly but this was just bizarre.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just for some perspective I suppose as I'm not sure why this upset me and wonder if I am overthinking this or if it seems a normal thing to do?

OP posts:
Newmum0322 · 06/03/2023 09:02

Siameasy · 06/03/2023 08:03

Your DD didn’t have to share and the little boy should’ve been told to wait his turn. You made it easy for the other mum to do what she did because you were trying to be nice but in future don’t pander to ill-mannered people.
Just chalk it up to experience and next time you could say something like “it’s ok darling he probably wants a go he can have it when you’ve finished”.

This.

BeatricePortinari · 06/03/2023 09:03

I find many of the replies on here very odd.

Sharing is not just about taking turns, in fact with young children particularly it's about supporting them to enjoy reciprocal play. Sharing is built into this but it doesn't mean rigid taking turns it means many nuanced things: doing things together, working out what's best for you both, ensuring the play is reciprocal so can be sustained etc. It's a socialisation process, that supports happy kids who know instinctively how to play together and make judgements around this. It's not about teaching a 'rule'.

OP your approach seems like classic parenting, guidance trying to steer and reinforce allowing others to join your play, and learning to enjoy this. You did it in an appropriate light touch but observant way and could have intervened if this wasn't progressing well.

It sounds like it was going well, they were beginning to explore the toys together, a really important step for 2 year olds, but the other mother wanted a rigid one at a time approach.

Different parenting decisions, but I'd back yours as leading to a better socialised kid who can naturally form and sustain peer relationships.

MegaManic · 06/03/2023 09:04

I'm sure you meant well but it all sounds a bit performance parenting to me (let's all share darling, she is only just 2 still learning to share - really no-one except you cares!) and I'm not that surprised a likely exhausted woman with a 2 year old and a baby was probably thinking in her head oh just F off!

2023Hope · 06/03/2023 09:06

BeatricePortinari · 06/03/2023 09:03

I find many of the replies on here very odd.

Sharing is not just about taking turns, in fact with young children particularly it's about supporting them to enjoy reciprocal play. Sharing is built into this but it doesn't mean rigid taking turns it means many nuanced things: doing things together, working out what's best for you both, ensuring the play is reciprocal so can be sustained etc. It's a socialisation process, that supports happy kids who know instinctively how to play together and make judgements around this. It's not about teaching a 'rule'.

OP your approach seems like classic parenting, guidance trying to steer and reinforce allowing others to join your play, and learning to enjoy this. You did it in an appropriate light touch but observant way and could have intervened if this wasn't progressing well.

It sounds like it was going well, they were beginning to explore the toys together, a really important step for 2 year olds, but the other mother wanted a rigid one at a time approach.

Different parenting decisions, but I'd back yours as leading to a better socialised kid who can naturally form and sustain peer relationships.

Well said!

MotherOfHouseplants · 06/03/2023 09:07

She was rude. Maybe she was having a bad day, maybe she's a cow. I really wouldn't give it any more headspace and I don't think forensically picking over a two-minute interaction for the benefit of the MN jury is likely to help you to move on.Smile

Give it another two pages and someone will have armchair diagnosed your child with SEND.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 09:11

MegaManic · 06/03/2023 09:04

I'm sure you meant well but it all sounds a bit performance parenting to me (let's all share darling, she is only just 2 still learning to share - really no-one except you cares!) and I'm not that surprised a likely exhausted woman with a 2 year old and a baby was probably thinking in her head oh just F off!

I'd disagree that no one else cares if your kid learns to share. If your kid can't share they become rude and want everything to be all about them. That most definitely impacts on others as they grow up.

OP posts:
Sparkleshine21 · 06/03/2023 09:11

@susiesuelou She obviously didn’t want or have the energy to talk. She had a young baby, that could be why. Or any number of other reasons for why she didn’t want to make inane toddler chat with a stranger. Why are you giving this so much headspace? It probably would have made me raise an eyebrow and then I would have forgotten about it within ten minutes.

Bernadinetta · 06/03/2023 09:11

OP, it sounds like you were raised to be a people pleaser and now you’re raising your daughter to be a people pleaser, whereas the other mum is not a people pleaser 😁

ScribblingPixie · 06/03/2023 09:12

The other woman was rude and hostile. I wouldn't bother to think any further than that.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 09:13

This "performance parenting" nonsense makes me laugh too. I've seen it on here a few times. Basically, any interaction you have with your child in a public place that might be overheard by someone else, is labelled as performance parenting. Confused

It's literally (in my mind anyway) just called talking to your child albeit in a public place. 🤷‍♀️ Or is that not a normal thing anymore either?

OP posts:
Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 09:14

Sparkleshine21 · 06/03/2023 09:11

@susiesuelou She obviously didn’t want or have the energy to talk. She had a young baby, that could be why. Or any number of other reasons for why she didn’t want to make inane toddler chat with a stranger. Why are you giving this so much headspace? It probably would have made me raise an eyebrow and then I would have forgotten about it within ten minutes.

Because I'm sensitive to perceived hostility. And then question whether I did something wrong. Like many people might do, I guess. I wish I was the sort of person who could think "fuck it" and chalk it up to "clearly her problem" but I'm not. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
MotherOfHouseplants · 06/03/2023 09:16

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 09:14

Because I'm sensitive to perceived hostility. And then question whether I did something wrong. Like many people might do, I guess. I wish I was the sort of person who could think "fuck it" and chalk it up to "clearly her problem" but I'm not. 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

You will become that person as you and your child get older, I promise!

Carouselfish · 06/03/2023 09:16

Imagining what would happen if you had got up and silently reversed the situation. Would it have carried on ad infinitum? Or would one of you have eventually held the till out of reach of the other mum? 😂Sorry OP. She was rude and grumpy and in the wrong. Just don't know what else you could have done.

MegaManic · 06/03/2023 09:16

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 09:11

I'd disagree that no one else cares if your kid learns to share. If your kid can't share they become rude and want everything to be all about them. That most definitely impacts on others as they grow up.

Show quote history

My point was most people don't want to hear your parent performance - Oh darling do share with the little boy etc. all the time sitting on your arse drinking coffee. You could have gotten up and gone over and distracted her with other toys if you were really that concerned that about her sharing.
Of course you should teach your child to share but she doesn't immediately have to give you every toy to any child that comes along. She was playing with it, he could have waited a couple of mins.

SallyWD · 06/03/2023 09:17

I think you meant well but you needn't have told your daughter to share. She was playing, he was watching. I would have let them get on with it unless there was some type of conflict.
I agree it was unnecessary (and rude!) of the mum to remove the toy from your daughter. I think she should have distracted her son with another toy.

MegaManic · 06/03/2023 09:18

MrsMiddleMother · 06/03/2023 08:49

I don't think the other mum was bu. Firstly I wouldn't have wanted to engage in boring chat with a pompus mum 'oh do share darling' and secondly, she probably moved it away for her child to have a go uninterrupted before an issue arose (which they easily do with toddlers) and took it upon herself to do so as you were busy with your friend.

Exactly this!

NotAnotherBathBomb · 06/03/2023 09:18

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:02

@Whataretheodds

Exactly! I'd never teach her to share her own "precious things". These were toys in a shared public play space.

That she was using. She's allowed to enjoy it. But I'm always aware of 'hogging' public property so I say something like 'you can have it for 5 more minutes then you can find something else, everyone needs a turn at using it'.

Sparkleshine21 · 06/03/2023 09:18

@susiesuelou ah that’s fair enough. I agree with a pp, you will learn to care less about other parents as your child gets older.

Weallhaveavoice · 06/03/2023 09:18

You’re teaching your child to share.
The other mother isn’t.

The other mother was very rude, but ultimately you dealt with the situation very Well

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 09:19

BuffaloCauliflower · 06/03/2023 08:51

@susiesuelou I’m also mum of a 2yo, and the other mum was rude but I’m inclined to try and give other knackered mums the benefit of the doubt. She shouldn’t have taken the till though.

On your question of what should you have done - sharing is a really tricky concept for little ones as sometimes you get the thing back (a toy) and sometimes you don’t (sharing your sweets for example) I’d always focus on taking turns in a situation like this over sharing. And I wouldn’t have tried to make my toddler share or give up something in this context. If the little boy had come over and they’d starting playing together with the till, great leave them to it, but when she got upset I’d have said to the other little boy ‘DD is having a turn right now, but I’m sure you can have a turn when she’s finished’. The other mum should have redirected him herself but when that doesn’t happen it’s fine to stand up for your child. She was there first and having her turn.

Thanks - I'll try to remember this for next time. I just always feel a bit weird about redirecting someone else's child, just in case the parent steps in and tells you where to go. But if she wasn't redirecting him herself I suppose what other option is there...

OP posts:
NotAnotherBathBomb · 06/03/2023 09:19

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:08

My friend who is very level headed and not overly sensitive like I can admittedly be, even commented on the way home about how rude it seemed. That's what made me think maybe it's not me here being sensitive, so thought I'd see what MN thought.

But yes I agree with you, she was weird and that was an odd reaction. Maybe she misunderstood your tone, but I'd have felt the same

Jet888 · 06/03/2023 09:20

I really don't understand people's upset over you teaching your child to share things, whether they are hers or not. It's not being a 'people pleaser '. It's called being a nice, pleasant person that other children may enjoy interacting with rather than a child who always places their own needs and desires first. I know if my DS, also 2, was going to be playing with someone I'd rather it was with another child that also was being taught to share and take turns!

StClare101 · 06/03/2023 09:20

Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 07:58

I never got this.

I encouraged my children to share if we’d invited over friends to play

but never ever with random children. Why would you force a barely beyond baby years to share with a stranger when we as adults would not share our precious things with strangers

What? She wasn’t being asked to share her own toy!

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 09:21

I don't know why people keep saying I was focused on my friend as if I was ignoring DD. I was sitting about 3-4 steps from my seat to where she was, close enough that I could communicate with her in a normal volume, and my seat was facing her so she was constantly in my view. Yes, I was talking to my friend but I wasn't engrossed in a conversation to the point of not being aware of my child ffs. I was in fact more focussed on the two toddlers than the other mum was, as she was tending to the baby a lot too. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Hemax1 · 06/03/2023 09:22

For context I have a 3 year old and 1 year old. Currently I don’t teach ‘sharing’, I teach turn taking. So I don’t make my son give up toys he’s playing with, but on the flip side I don’t allow him to take toys that others are playing with and tell him he can have a turn later when they are finished. It’s in line with what he’s being taught at nursery. As an adult I wouldn’t want to give up something I was using and would expect others to wait … so that’s why I’m instilling the concept on turn taking rather than sharing.

As to the other lady .. from your description it does sound like she was a bit off in how she dealt with the situation. She appears to be teaching her son that he can take whatever toy he likes from whatever child and she’s happy to facilitate that instead of encouraging to play with other toys