To think this was a little bit "off"?

[susiesuelou]

I took my DD (just turned 2) swimming yesterday to a place we haven't been before. When we came out there was a little cafe and small toddler play area inside the cafe, with a little play kitchen and a few toys etc. I got a coffee for me and my friend and a snack for toddler, and we sat at a table very near to the play area as my toddler had already ran over to the little kitchen to play. Friend and I were sitting chatting and drinking our coffees watching toddler play. Next moment, a lady arrives at the table next to us with a small baby and toddler who looked similar in age to my DD. He ran over to play next to my DD and showed interest in the toys she was playing with (a little pretend till and an abacus type thing). He stood beside her looking at the toys and at my DD as toddlers do. All good so far. I cheerily said to DD "are you going to play with the little boy darling? You must share" etc. Obviously she's still very young so the concept of sharing is a new one. The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy. The other mum then stood up, went over to where they were playing, reached over the top of my DD's head and took the till, and moved it to the other side of the little play area. Her son followed and began playing with it by himself. My DD just watched then looked at me and burst out crying. I went over to her and tried to distract with another toy and said nothing to the mum. I was annoyed though, thinking was that really necessary? They weren't fighting over the toy, they were just playing side by side and learning to share as 2 year olds do. Also, I attempted to engage her in friendly conversation about it so would have felt nicer if she had maybe addressed me and said "oh I know it's hard isn't it, shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it" or something similar. Anything really other than just silently removing a toy away from my DD unnecessarily.

The whole interaction just felt really off. I've been to many a soft play / parks etc with DD and got chatting to many mums of toddlers. I've never come across anyone as stony and "off" as this. Maybe that's why it threw me. Usually other mums of toddlers get what's it's like and are friendly in their understanding of what it's like to parent a 2 year old. I get all mums won't be as friendly but this was just bizarre.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just for some perspective I suppose as I'm not sure why this upset me and wonder if I am overthinking this or if it seems a normal thing to do?

People are odd and have different approaches to parenting.The most jaw dropping example of 'other mothers' I've seen was years ago in the Town Hall waiting room where a mum with 2 kids was waiting. Toddler in pushchair and the other about a year older. Older one was irritable and started to rock the toddler's pushchair and poke at his sister. Mum to now crying toddler "Bite him! I've fucking told you before, fucking bite him". They'll be adults now. Scary.

"you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

You’re teaching your child to be a walkover, and then you’re surprised that she was walked over.

You should have stood up for her. Why didn’t you go over to them, explain to the little boy that he could have it when your daughter was finished, and then nudge him towards another toy, or asked his mum to?

I would have said and done the exact same as you! I think she was really rude, try not to let it get to you though. Easier said than done I know, but some folk are just like that, best to just brush it off as you did absolutely nothing wrong.

The OP was put in an impossible 'no win' situation that is further supposed by some of the responses on this thread. I don't think that whatever the OP did would have pleased the crowds. Parenting is hard and we all do it so differently. I honestly wouldn't give what happened a second thought.

😱

I'm not sure if I'm more embarrassed by the terrible reading comprehension or the bizarre antagonistic replies here.

Yes it was bonkers op. I think sharing toys in a public place is expected. Tbh it was probably more in the other mum to encourage away from the toy your dd had. But they're so little that's hard.

Exactly this. Yes she could be really rude or she could be dealing with some shit right now so didn't behave how lots of people would consider "right".

I don't think the other mum was bu. Firstly I wouldn't have wanted to engage in boring chat with a pompus mum 'oh do share darling' and secondly, she probably moved it away for her child to have a go uninterrupted before an issue arose (which they easily do with toddlers) and took it upon herself to do so as you were busy with your friend.

I wouldn't have got involved unless there was screaming, hitting etc.. Kids need to work these things out themselves.

No. The OP's DD had the toy first, even if they were fighting over it (which is not what it sounds like to me) she wouldn't have had any right to take the toy away from a child who was playing with it first, just so her child could play with it on his own!!

Absolutely.

@susiesuelou I’m also mum of a 2yo, and the other mum was rude but I’m inclined to try and give other knackered mums the benefit of the doubt. She shouldn’t have taken the till though.

On your question of what should you have done - sharing is a really tricky concept for little ones as sometimes you get the thing back (a toy) and sometimes you don’t (sharing your sweets for example) I’d always focus on taking turns in a situation like this over sharing. And I wouldn’t have tried to make my toddler share or give up something in this context. If the little boy had come over and they’d starting playing together with the till, great leave them to it, but when she got upset I’d have said to the other little boy ‘DD is having a turn right now, but I’m sure you can have a turn when she’s finished’. The other mum should have redirected him herself but when that doesn’t happen it’s fine to stand up for your child. She was there first and having her turn.

So she's was (maybe) having a bad day? Why does that mean it's ok to take a toy off a child who is playing with it AND sharing with her child???

You made a mistake.

You shouldn’t have told her to share.

If the boy wanted to play with her you should have asked her if that was ok, and at age two I’d assume disaster would follow quickly if two year olds who’ve never met before try to play together.

The other mum was incredibly rude taking the till, but from wqtching how easily you gave in to her child I guess she knew she could bully you too.

The biggest favour you can teach your daughter is not to surrender to the wishes of every random make she encounters but to say firmly “no, I don’t want to.”

😔

@WinterMusings she could be having a bad life! We don’t know, OP doesn’t know, so maybe thinking the best of people and giving them the benefit of the doubt is less stressful for all involved is what I’m saying. But if it’s entertaining for you or OP to
think the worst of people you don’t know so that you have something to moan about, you do you.

As I’ve said, she could have been at the end of her tether and just thought, im gonna move that toy away before he kicks off as I just can’t cope and will burst into tears if I have to deal with another tantrum today, for example.

The other mom was just rude! No need for it, you just watch your children and guide them through with some manners! You did exactly the right thing. Why wouldn’t you teach your little one to be kind and share with everyone? Why does it matter that you were in a public place and didn’t know the child?

I once at a playpit had a woman scream at me about someone else’s child climbing up the slide! I was at the bottom, waiting, videoing and playing with my son. When she came down with a child, and this other child was hanging around at the bottom. I had already looked around for the parents, told a member of staff and asked this child nicely to come off there twice before because I was worried they would be hit, but it really wasn’t my place and what more could I do? I am a bit sensitive too and it really bothered me at the time, but now I’m like, whatever! Sometimes people are just meh and you have to just move on and ignore them

Personally, I would have just left them to it unless there was an actual problem.

Re sharing, on the reverse the other parent in that situation could say to their child "Why not play with X/Y/Z instead, the little girl is just playing with that at the moment". The other boy could learn to wait his turn.

Put your own DD first unless she is actively causing a problem. Over the years I've learned you don't get any prizes or pats on the back for making your own DCs give way automatically, it trains them to think everyone else's needs are more important than others and also that their parent thinks other DCs are more important.

Speaking as a child myself of a parent who constantly put other kids' wants and needs over mine. If there was only ONE toy then maybe they would have to share. As it was, the boy had choice of other toys so it wasn't a problem.

Thing is though, there could be ten of the same toy and two toddlers would both want the same one.

Take no notice of everyone blaming you op. Don't give what happened any head space. I took my dc to soft play as toddlers for the whole purpose of them interacting with other children whilst I had a coffee and natter with a friend very nearby. Of course you would teach her to share the toy, at this age you are teaching them to play alongside other toddlers and learn that the world doesn't revolve around them. It isn't about people pleasing or giving in to boys are pp are suggesting. The other mum was being an arse, and you can't do much about that.

As you can see from this thread people have vastly different and opposing views as to toddler etiquette and even coffee drinking etiquette.

Just do what you think is right and try not to worry. These years will pass.

If that was the explanation could she not have communicated that to me since I'd already made polite small talk with her about the struggle of teaching toddlers to share? She would surely know I'd get that - "just going to move this over here as I don't want him to kick off again today, it's a nightmare". I'd be like oh god totally, i'm with you, public tantrums are the worst" etc ... That way it's less hostile, isn't it. And yes, she didn't "owe" me any conversation but .... it's hard to explain how "off" it all was tbh due to the frosty silence.

If your daughter was happily playing and is interrupted, I would go with telling the boy he could have a go after and telling my daughter that she could play her game, then give the little boy a turn. That is sharing.

She was playing with it first. I don’t think she did need to share it with the boy.

The mum was out of order to snatch the toy and give it to the boy. I don’t know how I would have reacted but I don’t think that needed to just be let go

She seemed rude, OP. Not so much for not wanting to engage in chit chat. She may have been tired or just not enjoy that.

but definitely rude for taking a toy your DD was playing with happily away and treating it as her sons. That’s just teaching him that he can take what he wants when he wants it.

I was always taught to share as a kid and it’s a good necessary skill to have from a young age. However it is also important to teach children boundaries and to feel ok with claiming their time with a toy. There were other toys he could have played with and he’s not any more entitled to the toy than your DD. He could have waited his turn.

However it sounds like they were both playing on the toy quite happily together so don’t know why she did that and caused upset. Maybe she was preempting a tantrum to rule all tantrums from her son?

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"Pompous"

I think you're reading my post in a posh accent. Mate, I'm from central Manchester 😂