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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a little bit "off"?

303 replies

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 07:53

I took my DD (just turned 2) swimming yesterday to a place we haven't been before. When we came out there was a little cafe and small toddler play area inside the cafe, with a little play kitchen and a few toys etc. I got a coffee for me and my friend and a snack for toddler, and we sat at a table very near to the play area as my toddler had already ran over to the little kitchen to play. Friend and I were sitting chatting and drinking our coffees watching toddler play. Next moment, a lady arrives at the table next to us with a small baby and toddler who looked similar in age to my DD. He ran over to play next to my DD and showed interest in the toys she was playing with (a little pretend till and an abacus type thing). He stood beside her looking at the toys and at my DD as toddlers do. All good so far. I cheerily said to DD "are you going to play with the little boy darling? You must share" etc. Obviously she's still very young so the concept of sharing is a new one. The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy. The other mum then stood up, went over to where they were playing, reached over the top of my DD's head and took the till, and moved it to the other side of the little play area. Her son followed and began playing with it by himself. My DD just watched then looked at me and burst out crying. I went over to her and tried to distract with another toy and said nothing to the mum. I was annoyed though, thinking was that really necessary? They weren't fighting over the toy, they were just playing side by side and learning to share as 2 year olds do. Also, I attempted to engage her in friendly conversation about it so would have felt nicer if she had maybe addressed me and said "oh I know it's hard isn't it, shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it" or something similar. Anything really other than just silently removing a toy away from my DD unnecessarily.

The whole interaction just felt really off. I've been to many a soft play / parks etc with DD and got chatting to many mums of toddlers. I've never come across anyone as stony and "off" as this. Maybe that's why it threw me. Usually other mums of toddlers get what's it's like and are friendly in their understanding of what it's like to parent a 2 year old. I get all mums won't be as friendly but this was just bizarre.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just for some perspective I suppose as I'm not sure why this upset me and wonder if I am overthinking this or if it seems a normal thing to do?

OP posts:
Somebodiesmother · 06/03/2023 08:19

footstoop · 06/03/2023 08:16

So if you are in a library reading a book it's fine if I take it off you?

🙄

Why the face? Why is it different?

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:20

So for those saying I shouldn't teach DD to instantly share etc. How should I ideally have handled it when another toddler runs over to my DD and starts to show interest in the toys she's playing with, and my DD looks at me and cries. What's the next steps if saying "you need to share sweetheart" is wrong? I'm asking genuinely as I don't know how else to respond tbh.

OP posts:
WinterMusings · 06/03/2023 08:21

Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 08:07

She’s 2
She is playing with a toy
Un less she’s dominated it for an unreasonable amount of time, no bloody way am I forcing my very very young toddler to “share”. Sharing doesn’t work at this age as they can’t play together!

Except there were both playing with the till until the other woman took it away!!

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 08:22

Maybe her kid had covid or your conversation was a bit private

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:22

Like I've said, if the situation were reversed and DD ran to another child and wanted their toy, I'd intervene instantly and redirect / distract her to something else, saying "that little boy is playing with the till sweetheart so why don't we look for something else?" But the other mum didn't intervene so like this so I wasn't sure how to handle it.

OP posts:
Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:23

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 08:22

Maybe her kid had covid or your conversation was a bit private

Eh?

OP posts:
fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 08:23

Say this boy wants to play with the toy, shall we play with him? And if not then you say ok your turn then one last go, then now boys turn.

Relaxingtime · 06/03/2023 08:23

Dotcheck · 06/03/2023 08:04

Because they toy doesn’t belong to her? They are for public use, and it would be rude to monopolise? Because we live in a community, and its ok to start teaching children from a young age how to live in that community….

Show quote history

Well said!
My perspective,, she's having a bad day or no idea that some parents teach children to share, as most do at daycare, school.
Someone having a bad day and directed it at you perhaps.
Ignore the why do you expect to share questions,,, because we all do not want to produce selfish people.

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 08:24

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:23

Eh?

Show quote history

Ie she's giving you space for some reason

DaveyJonesLocker · 06/03/2023 08:25

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:16

I wish I had the confidence to respond like this. I didn't want any confrontation and she was so frosty that I don't think this would have ended well.

Show quote history

Oh my heart would have been pounding the entire time, I hate this stuff. But I refuse to allow my son to grow up to be like me, so I force myself to model the behaviour that is healthy.

I totally get why you did and said what you did. But I would just as kindly as possible suggest that you try to avoid teaching your daughter the same things, teach her to be kind but not to take shit. Share But don't allow things to be taken off you. And call people out when they're being dicks.

Workinghardeveryday · 06/03/2023 08:25

@susiesuelou I really really do not understand a lot of the posts saying you shouldn’t have asked your daughter to share!!

You handled the situation as I would have, tried to be kind and teach your daughter manners.

Just because your daughter will never see the boy again has nothing to do with this situation.

No wonder some kids are so rude these days with parents not teaching basic manners like sharing.

Redebs · 06/03/2023 08:26

You didn't need to tell your daughter to share and the other child could have played with something else. At this age they are still beginning to manage sharing and it's better to model social play than to ask them to do it.

There's a balance between leaving them to it and micromanaging their behaviour. We're going to get it wrong sometimes, but overall experience is what counts.

I wonder if the other mum was trying to avoid a situation where her son got blamed for making a little girl cry? Some parents get very critical in situations like this and it's her way of making sure he has a positive experience of play without adult shaming. She provided him a lower stress opportunity to manage.

Also, some children are quick to bash others with toys if they get frustrated, so she might be pre-emptive in avoiding that sort of issue.

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 08:26

Workinghardeveryday · 06/03/2023 08:25

@susiesuelou I really really do not understand a lot of the posts saying you shouldn’t have asked your daughter to share!!

You handled the situation as I would have, tried to be kind and teach your daughter manners.

Just because your daughter will never see the boy again has nothing to do with this situation.

No wonder some kids are so rude these days with parents not teaching basic manners like sharing.

Sharing doesn't mean give up the toy immediately

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 08:27

Redebs · 06/03/2023 08:26

You didn't need to tell your daughter to share and the other child could have played with something else. At this age they are still beginning to manage sharing and it's better to model social play than to ask them to do it.

There's a balance between leaving them to it and micromanaging their behaviour. We're going to get it wrong sometimes, but overall experience is what counts.

I wonder if the other mum was trying to avoid a situation where her son got blamed for making a little girl cry? Some parents get very critical in situations like this and it's her way of making sure he has a positive experience of play without adult shaming. She provided him a lower stress opportunity to manage.

Also, some children are quick to bash others with toys if they get frustrated, so she might be pre-emptive in avoiding that sort of issue.

Yeah maybe she thought her kid was getting frustrated and might bash yours

Conkersinautumn · 06/03/2023 08:27

I'd encourage turn taking as a concept for toys in this sort of setting. The other mum is one of those who doesn't see the point in sharing/ cooperating so yes, she did behave rudely and is busy training her child to be a toy taking bully.

Cornishclio · 06/03/2023 08:27

She was rude and if you don't mind confrontation I would have called her out on it and said they were sharing quite happily so why did she feel the need to remove the toy and take it away so her son could play with it exclusively. It didn't belong to either of the toddlers so obviously sharing was the answer.

Paturday · 06/03/2023 08:28

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:20

So for those saying I shouldn't teach DD to instantly share etc. How should I ideally have handled it when another toddler runs over to my DD and starts to show interest in the toys she's playing with, and my DD looks at me and cries. What's the next steps if saying "you need to share sweetheart" is wrong? I'm asking genuinely as I don't know how else to respond tbh.

I would say ‘aw you really like that toy, you’ll get another go in a minute. What about this other amazing toy?’

Also your kid isn’t required to give up toys and ‘share’ (part of sharing is waiting your turn, little boy!), and equally other mother isn’t required to smile and be friendly to you. Maybe she was having a shit day!

QueenMabs · 06/03/2023 08:28

susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:20

So for those saying I shouldn't teach DD to instantly share etc. How should I ideally have handled it when another toddler runs over to my DD and starts to show interest in the toys she's playing with, and my DD looks at me and cries. What's the next steps if saying "you need to share sweetheart" is wrong? I'm asking genuinely as I don't know how else to respond tbh.

You can move your child and the toy she has away from the new child so she still has the toy. -first come first served. You can say "let's move out the way and make some space"

You can say nothing.

She was dick though. That's all you need to know and don't think any more of it. Entitled?

I think how she spoke to you was appalling let alone what she meant. And then her following actions

Like the guy who drove his car at me when I went to aldi and crossed the road through slow moving traffic. Just a dick.

ChilliBandit · 06/03/2023 08:29

She sounds off OP and I don’t know why you are getting such a hard time here.

In all honestly in this situation I would have said to my child in earshot of the other mum, once you have finished, let the little boy know that it’s his turn or something like that. If the mother had taken it off them I would like to think I would have taken it back and cheerily said oh they are not finished with it yet, we will let you know, but in reality, I would have probably given the mum a very pointed look and said something loudly about it being rude to take toys off children when they had them first. But I am not perfect and can be petty sometimes.

Jacksfesteringresentment · 06/03/2023 08:30

Stop teaching your daughter to be a pushover.

If she's playing with something and another child wants it, they have to wait their turn.

The other mum was out of order. But the whole concept of children having to share is really odd.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 06/03/2023 08:30

Is this a new thing? Not sharing toys in a social, shared play area. Sharing and collaborative play is part of social development. It’s very odd to me that people are labelling playing together with a toy as people pleasing. It’s at times like this that I really do feel old, like I just want to shake my head for the generations to come.

MRex · 06/03/2023 08:32

I wouldn't have handled it like either of you, but that's the thing - everyone is a bit different and you have to learn to muddle along in children's activity areas with all sorts. Try to stop taking non-events personally. For info, it's usually best to get near to your child and eye level if you want to interact rather than yelling across the room, but your method is as common as it is ineffective. It doesn't sound like there was much of a problem anyway, depending on how bad DD's tears were, as she did share the toy. She'll have to learn a bit of resilience sometime that toys can be randomly and unfairly taken away, so I just wouldn't overthink the toy being moved.

FiddleLeaf · 06/03/2023 08:32

It does sound a bit weird but you have limited info. Maybe the boy struggles to share & is reactive so she was preempting.

You certainly did nothing wrong.

Jewelanemone · 06/03/2023 08:33

Somebodiesmother · 06/03/2023 08:13

So if you are in a library reading a book it's fine if I take it off you?

Show quote history

No, but you can wait your turn.

Original poster
susiesuelou · 06/03/2023 08:34

She goes to nursery 3 days a week and they are currently teaching her and the other similar aged children the concept of sharing. I thought it was a normal and healthy thing to learn tbh.

I learned to share as a child but I'm most definitely not a push over or people pleaser. I'll happily assert my boundaries if I feel they are being breached. But yesterday just felt like a difficult one because she was so clearly not a friendly person and also I didn't want any form of confrontation in front of little ones. And also, in honesty, I was exhausted yesterday due to several poor nights sleep with DD so likely would have cried on the spot if she'd been awful to me. Obviously didn't want that.

OP posts:
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