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Original poster

MIL wants to organise baby's first birthday party

238 replies

Whatacouk · 05/03/2023 21:57

Wondering if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My baby is turning 1 soon. I wanted to maybe take him to the farm in the morning and then rent a softplay centre for a few hours and have a small party there with close family and a couple of babies.

MIL is adamant she doesn't want that.
She keeps insisting and repeating that he will have a bigger party where he can be the centre of attention.
She wants us to go to his great grandparents (her parents) house and she will organise a party there or rent a venue or a restaurant for the extended family to come. She says she wants to dance.

She said I could do the farm and soft centre in the morning and then the big party in the afternoon.
I dont want that. It will be overwhelming not only for the baby but truthfully for me too.
She says even though the baby won't remember it, it's for picture.

I want to be the one, with my husband, to organise our sons first birthday party. And I don't want to travel to her parents, who live in another city.

Before I reply to her and sticking to my guns, I was wondering if I was unreasonable and if that would make me controlling or immature.

Thank you

OP posts:
jazzybelle · 06/03/2023 14:28

Why would she get any say in his party? Just organise what you want and then tell her the arrangements.

ninjafoodienovice · 06/03/2023 15:45

Why don't you say
'Bless you, that's very kind of you to offer but he is one and he likes soft play and some cake in the afternoon. We won't be making him spend hours in the car on his special day nor make lots of fuss when he won't appreciate it. So as I've said, you're welcome to join us at soft play or come for cake in the afternoon but those are our plans and we won't be changing them'

Cherrysoup · 06/03/2023 15:47

Guaranteed if you go to hers near his birthday, she'll do the whole big party thing.

Fraaahnces · 07/03/2023 04:56

My advice is to stay the hell away from her and keep your baby away until after the birthday. She will continue to be like a dog with a bone, probably as far as telling you she’s invited people and/or put down deposits, etc. In which case, just say “Well uninvite them then….” and “That was dumb. I hope you get your deposit back.”

Fraaahnces · 07/03/2023 04:59

Oh, and when she tries to guilt trip you because you are making her look foolish, remind her that SHE has done this to herself because she chose not to listen to you, and tried to steamroll you into doing something neither of you wanted in the first place. It’s never going to happen and you really hope she’s learned from this.
*Btw, worthwhile getting in ahead and calling any family members and family friends you may know and warning them that this is on the cards.

Original poster
Whatacouk · 08/03/2023 01:05

I feel a bit disheartened.

I feel MIL is manipulative and DH is defending her.
She said that she wanted to organise something because she felt bad that my parents organised a baptism ceremony for him in my country and she didn't get to do anything for him. Thing is she did organise a baptism for him. We went to hers and she had a party with a custom cake that says "welcome WhatacoukSon", gifts, ordered buffet food, etc...
But she said (and DH is defending her) that it wasn't a party, just a get together where there happened to be a cake (???) and food and gifts.
Whereas on my side it was a proper party when it had the exact same things.

So basically, DH now suggested we organise the birthday "together" to compensate for that.

I find it so manipulative.

OP posts:
kateandme · 08/03/2023 02:08

Whatacouk · 08/03/2023 01:05

I feel a bit disheartened.

I feel MIL is manipulative and DH is defending her.
She said that she wanted to organise something because she felt bad that my parents organised a baptism ceremony for him in my country and she didn't get to do anything for him. Thing is she did organise a baptism for him. We went to hers and she had a party with a custom cake that says "welcome WhatacoukSon", gifts, ordered buffet food, etc...
But she said (and DH is defending her) that it wasn't a party, just a get together where there happened to be a cake (???) and food and gifts.
Whereas on my side it was a proper party when it had the exact same things.

So basically, DH now suggested we organise the birthday "together" to compensate for that.

I find it so manipulative.

why arent you getting it YOU ARE HIS PARENT. it doesnt matter what she comes up with what she beleives is her right. its isnt. you are her parent and you cna have any party anywhere with anyone with them or without them.you are the parent and what you say MUST go.
you have been told by every single person on here you are not be UR so stop even giving her headspace
if you do this once, like the little party she did she will do it again.
"oh mil this isnt a competition.surely you can see there will be times in our lives we can do all things equally for each side.and your just as special and that doesnt rely on what you do and what my side of the families do.circumstances mean it wont always be the same. but as his mum i want to do it my way so thats decided ok.as im sure you can understand how you would feel if you were in my situation with dh i want to be able to decide this for my little one."

kateandme · 08/03/2023 02:10

kateandme · 08/03/2023 02:08

why arent you getting it YOU ARE HIS PARENT. it doesnt matter what she comes up with what she beleives is her right. its isnt. you are her parent and you cna have any party anywhere with anyone with them or without them.you are the parent and what you say MUST go.
you have been told by every single person on here you are not be UR so stop even giving her headspace
if you do this once, like the little party she did she will do it again.
"oh mil this isnt a competition.surely you can see there will be times in our lives we can do all things equally for each side.and your just as special and that doesnt rely on what you do and what my side of the families do.circumstances mean it wont always be the same. but as his mum i want to do it my way so thats decided ok.as im sure you can understand how you would feel if you were in my situation with dh i want to be able to decide this for my little one."

Show quote history

the longer you dither the harder your making it too. just say no. it doesnt need an explanation. no,im doing my childs birthday.

Original poster
Whatacouk · 08/03/2023 02:20

kateandme · 08/03/2023 02:10

the longer you dither the harder your making it too. just say no. it doesnt need an explanation. no,im doing my childs birthday.

Show quote history

I told them it's a no.
I'm just upset about all the manipulation and DH buying it all.
I am made to feel bad for something that I shouldn't feel bad about. It's not the first time.
When I was pregnant she wanted me to move to hers a month before the baby was due and stay with her for a couple of months for her and her husband and kids to bond with him. When I said I was giving birth at home, they harassed me to try and make me change my mind, they talked behind my back, sulked, gave me the silent treatment and MIL even told me that because I said no she had a fight with her husband (??).

I am sticking to my guns but it just hurts that everything feels exhausting and unfair.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 08/03/2023 02:36

Just stick to your guns and shoot from the hip if you have to. Ask if she needs to see her GP about her memory because she seems to have forgotten the part she organised for the baptism and the cake she ordered, etc. Let her know that if she wants to bond with your baby, she goes through you and the more she pushes you, the more you’re going to dig your heels in.
LADYBALLS TIME!!!
As for him, he needs to grow a pair of his own and ask himself who he is married to. You or his mummy. Draw the circles of influence/loyalty for him. One with you and him in it. Then outside that is another circle that edges into the first one with you, him and baby. Then OUTSIDE all of that is another circle with all close family members (including yours), then another with friends. Let him know that this is how healthy marriages and families work. If he can’t prioritize like this both at your home AND hers, he might as well stay there. He’s married to his mum.

bugsinmybrain · 08/03/2023 02:52

Oh hell no

But I'm also wondering if she's well or in a manic state

"MIL I appreciate you but I'm his mum and really enjoy organising things for him, please let me do it, I won't get these chances again because he'll grow up just like DH did, also sorry you feel it wasn't a party but I really did receive it as one, Im grateful but I'd find it overwhelming to have another one organised for me and upsetting to have this taken away from me"

bugsinmybrain · 08/03/2023 02:53

She also probably had a fight with her husband bc he told her she was acting batshit and risking their relationship with their grandchild

Fraaahnces · 08/03/2023 02:57

Also, she CHOSE to have a fight with her husband and tell you about it as one more guilt trip. Don’t fall for this. It’s one of her “hooks”. Works for her DH and yours. (They’ve been trained and can’t see through it, or don’t want to deal with the consequences (noise/drama/tears/fury) of calling her out on her bullshittery.
How do I know? (My late mother, whom we refer to as Makeficent.)

Fraaahnces · 08/03/2023 02:59

BTW, I don’t have time, but if you want to do a name search, my DD1’s first Christmas was a doozy. It’s on a few threads here.

Fraaahnces · 08/03/2023 03:12

Found a link for you. DD’s first Christmas with Maleficent’s Tantrums… Not sure if you need to search for my name though. Imagine there are a few people on this link that resemble your MIL anyway.

Linky Link

StClare101 · 08/03/2023 03:51

Your DH is being a dick. Just tell him to grow a backbone, act like a Dad, and that you aren’t doing that. End of story. Also tell him you’re blocking her number. She is his problem from now on.

Thack · 08/03/2023 05:02

"Thanks for the offer. We'll let you know what the plan is".... Repeat. Do not engage. Do not feed the troll.

For DH "we'll talk when you get home". Also do not allow this conversation. He's stuck with her pecking his head, he needs to come home to get perspective.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/03/2023 06:57

You knew this would happen, you've said no so she's pushing back and roping your dh into it. The same as when you were pregnant.

I think you need to sit down with your dh and tell him that you're almost at breaking point with MIL, unless he completely has your back in regards to her then it'll likely result in you going nc with her, which will be awful for everyone concerned (except you).

She's pushing boundaries and dragging everyone into it, you need to be more of a pain in the arse, with your dh than she is, as it looks like he's taking the path of least resistance

timeforachang3 · 08/03/2023 07:13

Your dh needs to get on your side/page. You are a team. He needs to have your back. If he’s not getting it I’d show him this thread…

KettrickenSmiled · 08/03/2023 09:33

So basically, DH now suggested we organise the birthday "together" to compensate for that.

What - he's suggested with to his MOTHER, or just to you?
There's nothing to fucking compensate for.
THIS IS NOT HER BABY IT IS YOUR BABY & if DH cannot get his head rtound that & stop being spineless you need to go apeshit at him until he understands,

Either way - just tell the pair of them it's not happening.
Your MiL needs to understand that this is YOUR BABY, not hers, & as his mum, YOU get to organise whatever you want for his first birthday.

Tell her that she's HAD her babies, & now you have YOUR baby, & it's up to you to make all the decisions. If she bangs on, hang up on her. You are making the mistake of ever-engaging. Cut her off - every time you engage, she feels her plan is credible.

diddl · 08/03/2023 09:37

So basically, DH now suggested we organise the birthday "together" to compensate for that.

Tell him no, but he's welcome to let his mum do hos next party for him.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/03/2023 09:41

kateandme · 08/03/2023 02:08

why arent you getting it YOU ARE HIS PARENT. it doesnt matter what she comes up with what she beleives is her right. its isnt. you are her parent and you cna have any party anywhere with anyone with them or without them.you are the parent and what you say MUST go.
you have been told by every single person on here you are not be UR so stop even giving her headspace
if you do this once, like the little party she did she will do it again.
"oh mil this isnt a competition.surely you can see there will be times in our lives we can do all things equally for each side.and your just as special and that doesnt rely on what you do and what my side of the families do.circumstances mean it wont always be the same. but as his mum i want to do it my way so thats decided ok.as im sure you can understand how you would feel if you were in my situation with dh i want to be able to decide this for my little one."

Show quote history

You're on point here Kate BUT - this risks getting into justification territory.
The longer OP spends JADE'ing her perfectly valid decision not to make a song & fucking dance starring her MiL, the more credible MiL will feel her claim to attention & getting her own way is.

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

OP needs to keep it snappy & shut it down pronto.
"Sounds like you want a great big party - so have one, but not for my boy, who will be overwhelmed. I've told you my plans, it's my decision & I DON'T want a big party, so we won't be having one but you have fun. I won't discuss this again as you're starting to piss me off so let's leave it there, byeeee".

Also OP - have a browse round the toolbox section, you will find some ace tips for dealing with your impossible MiL here - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Bunnyishotandcross · 08/03/2023 10:55

Maybe dh needs a reminder who he made vows to. His priority needs to be you and your feelings. Being a sap isn't attractive tell him.
When is his birthday? Tell him mil can host him a big do. Complete with balloons and games should they so wish...

Zippidydoda · 08/03/2023 14:26

Whatacouk · 08/03/2023 02:20

I told them it's a no.
I'm just upset about all the manipulation and DH buying it all.
I am made to feel bad for something that I shouldn't feel bad about. It's not the first time.
When I was pregnant she wanted me to move to hers a month before the baby was due and stay with her for a couple of months for her and her husband and kids to bond with him. When I said I was giving birth at home, they harassed me to try and make me change my mind, they talked behind my back, sulked, gave me the silent treatment and MIL even told me that because I said no she had a fight with her husband (??).

I am sticking to my guns but it just hurts that everything feels exhausting and unfair.

Show quote history

You need a serious conversation with your DH. This can’t go on.

I think out your foot down hard and firm now and it will benefit you in the long run. If you give an inch they’ll take a mile and be pushing boundaries with your child continuously.

If this is the first/biggest time you have pushed back and held a boundary then she is going to do everything she can to get her way. However the firmer you hold the boundary the less she will try it once she knows you won’t be pushed about.

Have you considered ignoring her or blocking her for a short period? Then all communication can go through your partner. Then you just make it clear to him that the plans are set for that day and nothing is changing. He can deal with his own mum.

Fraaahnces · 08/03/2023 15:48

Also @Whatacouk, the longer this shit goes on, the more you will disappear from your own life. You will be one of those heartbroken women who write in on here saying that it’s their 50th birthday DH and kids have forgotten to even buy them a card. You haven’t bothered complaining in the past, because you didn’t feel like making a fuss, but you feel hurt because you’d think they would have remembered this one….
Start causing a scene now to avoid bigger ones later!