MIL wants to organise baby's first birthday party

[Whatacouk]

Wondering if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My baby is turning 1 soon. I wanted to maybe take him to the farm in the morning and then rent a softplay centre for a few hours and have a small party there with close family and a couple of babies.

MIL is adamant she doesn't want that.
She keeps insisting and repeating that he will have a bigger party where he can be the centre of attention.
She wants us to go to his great grandparents (her parents) house and she will organise a party there or rent a venue or a restaurant for the extended family to come. She says she wants to dance.

She said I could do the farm and soft centre in the morning and then the big party in the afternoon.
I dont want that. It will be overwhelming not only for the baby but truthfully for me too.
She says even though the baby won't remember it, it's for picture.

I want to be the one, with my husband, to organise our sons first birthday party. And I don't want to travel to her parents, who live in another city.

Before I reply to her and sticking to my guns, I was wondering if I was unreasonable and if that would make me controlling or immature.

Thank you

Remind her, her Prince is now married with his own wife and child.

^^ Such a great response! Do this!

She sounds bonkers. I would organise your farm/soft play day (even that sounds a lot, to me! Then again my baby’s 1st was during Lockdown 1, so she had cake and Zoom and anxiety 😂) asap and invite people before MIL can swoop in with formal invitations to her bizarre adult dance party in a different city. Make the plan, get it in people’s diaries, cement it as THE plan and feign confusion if anyone mentions MIL’s crazy notions: “Really? For a one year old? You’re sure she meant that and not her own 60th?” Also mute her texts.

I’m of the view that a child can’t be loved by too many people, and there’s a part of me would be tempted to let her do it, but NOT on his actual birthday-you have plans which sound perfectly lovely and that your ds will enjoy, she can have her party a week later…because let’s face it, it’s for her, not your ds

what the GM is doing here has nothing to do with love, either for her Gc or his parents. It’s about attention seeking and establishing control. It needs to be nipped in the bud by the babies father ( not mother ). I say this as a GM myself.

If you love someone you want what’s best for THEM . Not what will get you the most likes on Facebook.

She’s fucking nuts

Do what you want to do. It's your son, you have 100% of the decision in how he spends his day. Your MIL is welcome to join in with that (or not) but she isn't welcome to arrange what she wants to do.

Just tell her "We're doing XYZ so I'll send you the details when the plans are finalised".

There's many years ahead of standing up for yourself as the mother and your DS as your son. Start as you mean to go on.

FFS, what is with these entitled MIL’s?! Gives me the absolute rage.

Haven’t RTFT, but I’d tell her to bog off, it’s my baby, she doesn’t get to decide how he spends his birthday. She can be adamant that he’s having a party all she wants but he won’t physically be there if you don’t take him!

MIL actually sounds barking. That’s not for the child’s benefit, just hers. I went to a ‘big’ party for a 2 year old. Birthday boy was completely overwhelmed and howled the whole time. Your idea is much more appropriate, plus it’s what you want to do. Don’t envy you fending off MIL - good luck and don’t be bulldozed.

That's wild 😂😂

Are you religious? If you’re in the mood to compromise you could let her organise a party for a christening (or similar for your religion).

@girlfriend44 you’re obviously blessed with a relatively sane family. Not all of us are 🤪

you are not being unreasonable. When my DD was 1 I was heavily pregnant with my son. Despite that I really wanted to do her cake myself. My mum is a baker and does the most beautiful cakes and has made every one for my older son. I had done the main part of the cake but needed to pop out on the day of the party to pick up balloons. When I came back my mum had finished icing and decorating the cake. I know she was trying to help because I was pregnant and busy but we had discussed it many times. I was so upset! Hormones, the heat and just generally her taking over had me in floods of tears. Looking back it still pisses me off 17 years later 😂

this is your baby and if you let her take over this she’ll continue to do it. Tell her firmly that you will be making the arrangements for the actual day.

Just out of interest, (because I think this is all about her exerting power and I'd nip that in the bud right now) who would be attending this adult dance party for your one year old? presumably DC doesn't know anyone there, not that one year olds know it's their Birthday.

I’d delight in someone else organising parties for me (I just find the who thing a chore) but MILs suggestions sound batshit. She’s making HERSELF the centre of attention, not DC.

P.S. Read 'Toxic In-laws.' It was a revelation, wish I'd read it thirty years ago.

She isn't mum. And needs to learn that she isn't by the sound of it.

Just say no. Dancing. Extended family. Honestly.

Sounds like that’s a blessing….

He is your son not hers, and you make the decisions. She’s had her time with her own children. You will never ever get this time back, so don’t let this mad woman take over and spoil your special time with your son. First birthdays are really special.

Make it very clear that he is your son and you will decide what is happening and only you. That you will be having a small party at soft play with a few friends as previously discussed, that she and her parents are welcome to attend, but it will be a children’s party and you will not be attending any other party. And any further arguments will lead to the invitation being withdrawn.

He is your son. Not hers. You need to really fight your corner on this. As I said above, it’s a blessing she’s so far away, you aren’t going to have to put up with her too much.

I also suspect she is trying to outdo you. She wants to give her Prince a bigger and better party than you will give him… you need to stop this right now. You are the gatekeeper to her grandson, you have all the power. Personally, if she was that crazy, and the calling her mum bit is weird, I wouldn’t want her at his party at all.

I have not read the whole thread but "she wants to dance"???? Just ignore her completely.

She sounds batshit.

You are lucky she lives far away!

If you let her do this, you are setting a very bad precedent! You are the mother and you are in charge.

Oh dear. No.

Your MIL sounds like a bit of a loon. Asking her son to call you mum, trying to make his first birthday all about her needs, this is all a poor show. Dont worry, stay firm; this is your chance to raise your child (and do what would be nice for the child.. children dont care about garden parties and being in the lime light!). Your MIL had her shot at motherhood, this is yours and looks like you'll do a much better job than her.

Typo.. asking your son to call her mum... (how odd it would be for your husband to call you mum.. lol)

Omg. At first I thought she was an excited Granma and trying her best. Now I am thinking she is having some kind of fly the nest I want a baby syndrome !! Be kind but firm. Your baby your choice

Yes but she isn't his mum, you are...so WHY does she want to pretend to be his mum. She's had her turn at being mum and now it's yours..did her MIL have your husband call his granny mum? I think it's weird. She's clearly got issues. Next she will claim all his first for her own, try to decide what school he goes to. That's if she hasn't already decorated a nursery at her house. It's lovely to be excited about having a grandchild but some women go so far they think the child is theirs and get possessive. Seems common (at least on here) I can only think it is hormonal in which case god help me and my friends when we get to ours 60s/70s. Call her out on it...ask her why do you want to be called mum when he already has one? And then come back on here with her answer! Seriously though organise the party yourselves and then if needs be she can arrange a party as well at her expense. A 1 year old is not going to appreciate a big birthday party anyway and will quickly get overwhelmed trust me!

You also need to make sure that your husband is saying "we don't want you to xyz", "we aren't comfortable with you suggesting xyz" etc.

I would worry that he's doing the "DW doesn't like it when..." and making you the bad guy and portraying himself the downtrodden long suffering other half, while also not showing a united front.

It's the coward's way out of conflict when it comes to in laws and is very selfish.