MIL wants to organise baby's first birthday party

[Whatacouk]

Wondering if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My baby is turning 1 soon. I wanted to maybe take him to the farm in the morning and then rent a softplay centre for a few hours and have a small party there with close family and a couple of babies.

MIL is adamant she doesn't want that.
She keeps insisting and repeating that he will have a bigger party where he can be the centre of attention.
She wants us to go to his great grandparents (her parents) house and she will organise a party there or rent a venue or a restaurant for the extended family to come. She says she wants to dance.

She said I could do the farm and soft centre in the morning and then the big party in the afternoon.
I dont want that. It will be overwhelming not only for the baby but truthfully for me too.
She says even though the baby won't remember it, it's for picture.

I want to be the one, with my husband, to organise our sons first birthday party. And I don't want to travel to her parents, who live in another city.

Before I reply to her and sticking to my guns, I was wondering if I was unreasonable and if that would make me controlling or immature.

Thank you

@Whatacouk

If she wants to host a family gathering several hours away from you, then it's going to be a long journey for you and very tiring with a 1 year old. It's not easy for you. You are within your rights to be quite clear about when you can go, and you need to figure out when the baby can travel (most can't do more than 2 hours at a time in a car - not sure on latest guidance). You need somewhere babyproof to stay- do you have that? It's a big deal and you can say when this will work for you.

It doesn't have to be on the actual birthday and you/your DH should be able to make that case quite easily.

I would see if you can make it work but not on the day - I assume that there are several relatives who would like to come and it would make the great-grandparents very happy. Presumably they can't travel so easily to you

She is batshit.

Stick to your guns - this is a first for you as well as your baby - enjoy the planning and enjoy the day. She's done her 'firsts' with her babies when they were young - now she can watch you have yours and partake as a grandparent.

Re: wanting the baby to call her mum - tell her to get fucked in no uncertain terms. Mad bint.

What a lunatic your MIL is.
To win over a person like this you can act just as crazy.

Try and arrange her pets birthday, make it obscenely daft, or your FILs birthday or start talking about their anniversary and how you’re thinking they should renew their vows and re do their wedding and that you’ll take the lead and insist. 😂

my FIL trained my daughter to call him papa, which means dad.
so ya he’s a dickhead in my book.

"My prince" made me laugh, Straight out of Gavin and Stacey.

OP, I agree with everyone, you are Definitely not BU.
Hope your DH takes the lead. He needs to set her straight, and if I were you I'd mute her.

@Whatacouk Is she deranged?

Wish it was.

I have texted her back saying I'm sticking to my plan. She has seen my text but hasn't replied. So I think I made it clear for her now.

Thank you all so much for your advice

Good that you are sticking to your plan for the actual day itself.

Has your child met their great-grandparents yet? if not, will you try to arrange that (or let her arrange a visit for you) on some other day that suits you?

Yes they see him quite often, we are going down this coming week end

That's good for them. Really shouldn't be too hard to arrange a separate event if they want to them - just on another date that isn't the birthday itself.

Yes I dont mind that at all

Yes!! text her this !! 😆

Is this for real?? 😮😮😮

Oh my god
My mother in law said she wants to throw my daughters first birthday party and that she'll do it all to make it special
But I shut her down immediately
"Thanks so much that's really sweet but it's her first birthday and I'll make the plans and let you know what we're doing"
Thankfully I think my mother in law was just being nice and hasn't pushed it further

But sounds like a nightmare a big party where she can dance! A 1 year old would not enjoy that at all it's all for her it sounds like
Keep firm and don't cave

To be fair for my older kids their parties are always more for both adults and kids so Karaoke alcohol and usually bbq for adults and then bouncy castle and games for the kids so those are more fun and a bit crazy
But for a 1 year old sounds like a nightmare

OP I hope that after your last text your MIL has got the message, but if you are visiting with them this coming weekend, I would be prepared for her to try and persuade you again that her idea is better than yours, so have some response ready, and practice it so that you don't get caught off guard. For example 'MIL, I thought I had made it clear that as 'X's parents, WE will be organising his birthday celebrations! However, if you would like to organise something for him to celebrate at your place, the following weekend, or perhaps the week after, then we'll be happy to try and come along. Be sure and look her straight in the eye when you say this, and make sure you use a firm voice so that she's not in any doubt that you mean what you say. I would also prime your DH so that he says the same should she go running to him.

Your child, you get to decide how to celebrate. Thank her for the offer, but that you must decline. Stick to your guns and celebrate your child as you see fit.

Is your MIL from a different culture? My son's work mate is an Indian whose culture demands that they have a huge 1st birthday for their baby.

You could accept the gift of a party for the prince on another suitable day. He is too small to not be overwhelmed with three activities on the one day.

Your husband could communicate and accept his mother throwing a party but toned down and on another day. Suggest that MIL open a bank account for the prince and pop any money she saves from the huge bash into his savings.

My MIL managed to rock up for our eldest's 1st birthday, even though she and FIL had done fuck all before (and after!) to acknowledge her. My own parents, who adored her and were always there for her, weren't able to attend. I still intensely despise the birthday photos even though she is in her 20s!

In all honesty, I would skip going to her place this weekend too. I would also pull the plug on any reference to “My Little Prince” because that’s just 🤮 and also reeks of ownership. Can you fake a temperature for the wee man?

I am not trying to be goady here @Whatacouk
but I am genuinely confused by your message above where you said that your DH was "with her at the moment", but they live at the other end of the country, so I don't understand why/how he is with her at the moment, but you are not all there? Sorry if I am being too nosey!

DH is away for a week- he went on a guy trip with his friends somewhere near where his parents live so he is spending a couple of nights there too before he comes back

Many thanks for your explanation @Whatacouk but in the kindest way possible, you should be asleep right now, or is the little "prince" keeping you awake? If he is, I really feel for you that at nearly 1 year old he still isn't letting you sleep through! 💐 xx

ps. I am an OAP (and a MiL and granny, who thinks your MiL is a long way past being 'way out of order'), who has a completely screwed up body clock, which is why I am awake in the middle of the night!

ps. I hope you can get to sleep soon OP, I imagine that you could really do without your DH being away for quite so long! xx