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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to organise baby's first birthday party

238 replies

Whatacouk · 05/03/2023 21:57

Wondering if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My baby is turning 1 soon. I wanted to maybe take him to the farm in the morning and then rent a softplay centre for a few hours and have a small party there with close family and a couple of babies.

MIL is adamant she doesn't want that.
She keeps insisting and repeating that he will have a bigger party where he can be the centre of attention.
She wants us to go to his great grandparents (her parents) house and she will organise a party there or rent a venue or a restaurant for the extended family to come. She says she wants to dance.

She said I could do the farm and soft centre in the morning and then the big party in the afternoon.
I dont want that. It will be overwhelming not only for the baby but truthfully for me too.
She says even though the baby won't remember it, it's for picture.

I want to be the one, with my husband, to organise our sons first birthday party. And I don't want to travel to her parents, who live in another city.

Before I reply to her and sticking to my guns, I was wondering if I was unreasonable and if that would make me controlling or immature.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatacouk · 06/03/2023 03:55

Thank you for your kind message.

He is asleep, I just have insomnia, but I will try to get some sleep now xx

Have a good night 😊

Pa: All the prince references in this thread have really made me laugh!!

OP posts:
TheLadyofShalott1 · 06/03/2023 04:04

❤️ xx

Museya15 · 06/03/2023 05:54

Just off topic, is it a new trend to take kids to the farm for their first birthday?

Pompom2367 · 06/03/2023 05:58

Op you are doing the right thing keep strong your child your party

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 06:15

Museya15 · 06/03/2023 05:54

Just off topic, is it a new trend to take kids to the farm for their first birthday?

No but its a really easy day out

ArrrMeHearties · 06/03/2023 06:16

He is turning 1 ffs he won't know what is happening nor will he even twig its his birthday. 1st birthdays are more for the family to get together imo. You are his mum so you organise his birthday party/day how you want him to have it. It's not your mils place and if she does it now she will try and do it for years to come

FeliciteFaff · 06/03/2023 06:17

It would be a hard no for me and I wouldn’t turn up to a party she organised without your permission

Fraaahnces · 06/03/2023 06:19

Btw, the kiddo’s one. He’s not going to remember this party. He’s not going to have a clue what’s going on. He will still get tired and over-stimulated, like all babies. Monster-in-law is a PITA drama llama who has no flipping clue or doesn’t give a rat’s about the baby in the first place. He’s just a prop for attention.

WordtoYoMumma · 06/03/2023 06:21

Museya15 · 06/03/2023 05:54

Just off topic, is it a new trend to take kids to the farm for their first birthday?

A new trend? People have been taking kids to farms for decades. Just a nice day out for a birthday surely? Why does everything have to be a trend??

Redebs · 06/03/2023 06:27

I haven't rtft, but I wonder if your husband is being totally solid about supporting you, OP.

Your MiL has had a lifetime of controlling him and it's quite possible that he's reassuring her behind your back that she can have her party regardless.

feelinglikeanewparent · 06/03/2023 06:32

Nip this in the bud NOW. And make sure DH really
Is supporting you and saying no.

No to calling her mum.

No to organising your son's 1st (or any) birthday.

No to doing something on the same day.

No to him being her little Prince (wtf 😂)

Stop it all now. She will only get worse if you don't.

Codlingmoths · 06/03/2023 06:34

I’d catch him before he leaves if he’s staying with his parents at the moment, and say if you can’t hand in heart tell me you’ve told her face to face we are putting on the birthday party we want for our own child, and she is welcome to attend and nothing more, and that there will be no other events for Dc on that day, then dc and I are not going there this weekend or again until this is made clear. I won’t travel to theirs to have this discussion again.

Bunnyishotandcross · 06/03/2023 06:53

Just tell her yes her little Prince will be attending..
And send her ds....
You stay home after the soft play awhile ds naps!

crimsonpeak · 06/03/2023 07:10

Whatacouk · 05/03/2023 22:00

Thank you for your replies.
I feel like this might be a power play. She recently said she wanted my son to call her mum for instance

What the actual.. That is ludicrous. If my MIL ever said that to me I would laugh in her face and tell her where to go! I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble with her. Can’t your DH intervene?

timeforachang3 · 06/03/2023 07:15

She does sound mental. If she keeps texting/calling you, one really firm clear final message so there’s no ambiguity then ignore further contact until the subject changes. She’s testing you to see what she can get away with. Make sure the line is drawn and it stops here!

Coffeepot72 · 06/03/2023 07:18

Agree this needs nipping in the bud ASAP

kateandme · 06/03/2023 07:33

i dont understand how this is even a question that needs asking.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 06/03/2023 08:13

Whatacouk · 05/03/2023 22:04

We said that to her and she just texted me

"You can go to the softplay all you want 😂. My prince is going to be given a party where he is the centre of attention."

Show quote history

”that’ll be hard seeing as he won’t be there “😂😂

I’m of the view that a child can’t be loved by too many people, and there’s a part of me would be tempted to let her do it, but NOT on his actual birthday-you have plans which sound perfectly lovely and that your ds will enjoy, she can have her party a week later…because let’s face it, it’s for her, not your ds

SallyWD · 06/03/2023 08:16

She wants to dance! That's hilarious! Maybe at the 21st... You do what you and your DH want to do. Who does she think she is?

halloumi1 · 06/03/2023 08:20

She sounds absolutely awful! Please just put your foot down and tell her you will do what you like for your own child.

We celebrated our DS’s 1st with a small tea party at home. For the following 2, we’ve just taken him away to do things he likes like visiting further afield zoos etc as a big adventure. Parties when they’re so young are a waste of money and just for showing off on social media IMO.

babybythesea · 06/03/2023 08:21

Whatacouk · 05/03/2023 22:04

We said that to her and she just texted me

"You can go to the softplay all you want 😂. My prince is going to be given a party where he is the centre of attention."

Show quote history

I’d be tempted to reply:
You can throw a party all you want, but my baby will be going to soft play and then home with me.

Kranke · 06/03/2023 08:26

She sounds bonkers, but you said a party would be too overwhelming after a day in the farm, but you were planning a party after that too? They’re 1, they won’t know anything or care. The party is for you so do what you fancy. We had a gathering at my PIL, they sorted food and drinks and my parents came over plus our siblings. It was lovely and our child loved all the attention from family.

diddl · 06/03/2023 08:27

Tbh a farm visit & then softplay sounds a lot to me in one day.

If MIL would like a family get together she can surely arrange that any tine that you visit?

You already have plans for your son's bday so that's that!

She says even though the baby won't remember it, it's for picture.

So she doesn't care much about him does she?

DogInATent · 06/03/2023 08:42

She keeps insisting and repeating that he will have a bigger party where he she can be the centre of attention.

Fixed that for you.

Two things I remember from a childhood in the 70s and 80s that seemed to be a constant on the news and as subjects for TV dramas were pram-snatching and Munchausen's by proxy. I'm not sure what happened to the former, but the latter seems to have morphed into an attention-seeking syndrome characterised by excessive grandparenting as a status symbol. There must be two or three threads a week on MN where a grandmother is not so much leaning in as leaning over the mother. To the point of wanting to erase the real mother as an inconvenience that's now done her job and is no longer needed.

It's interesting that she wants to show-off your child to her parents and present this as something she's achieved. There are some very deep issues here.

Drfosters · 06/03/2023 08:42

Just remember he’s 1. He isn’t going to remember his birthday. The ‘party’ is for you both, his parents, to celebrate his first year. He does not care! Your MIL should save the money she wants to spend on her ‘Prince’ for a party when he is older and can spend on something for him and his friends. I didn’t do anything for either of my kids first birthdays. I think we got them a cake, maybe? Neither was sleeping through so we were zombies at that time and it is that long ago I’m struggling to remember. Making kids birthdays to be about the grandparents showing off is never ok.