MIL wants to organise baby's first birthday party

[Whatacouk]

Wondering if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My baby is turning 1 soon. I wanted to maybe take him to the farm in the morning and then rent a softplay centre for a few hours and have a small party there with close family and a couple of babies.

MIL is adamant she doesn't want that.
She keeps insisting and repeating that he will have a bigger party where he can be the centre of attention.
She wants us to go to his great grandparents (her parents) house and she will organise a party there or rent a venue or a restaurant for the extended family to come. She says she wants to dance.

She said I could do the farm and soft centre in the morning and then the big party in the afternoon.
I dont want that. It will be overwhelming not only for the baby but truthfully for me too.
She says even though the baby won't remember it, it's for picture.

I want to be the one, with my husband, to organise our sons first birthday party. And I don't want to travel to her parents, who live in another city.

Before I reply to her and sticking to my guns, I was wondering if I was unreasonable and if that would make me controlling or immature.

Thank you

Sounds like she wants to have a party for her where she is the centre of attention.

When I read the title of your post I opened it up to suggest you give her a specific task to do with the party.... but her suggestion is completely bonkers!!!! Quite frankly I think anything other than having a few relatives and friends round to open pressies and have cake is overkill for a first birthday, but each to their own and I know a lot of people would disagree with me.
in your case, I would let your DH tell her that you are both agreed on what you are doing, you would love to see her there, but neither you nor your baby will be attending anything that she arranges. You don't have to give any explanations, but if you feel you have to just say it will be too much for the baby.

We were going to have a small tea party at home for DS’s birthday with DH, me, a small handful of my first time mum friends and babies, one of DH’s friends sons who was a few months older. I had it all planned and so wished we had been able to do this.

But MIL muscled in ended up traveling 3 1/2 hrs for the day inviting herself, FIL, SIL, BIL and his new GF we had never even met before. So then I felt obliged to then invite my parents. It was too many in the house and it was all too much (for me, DS and most of the babies) it would have been far nicer to just have DH and DS and a cake in the house on our own or the small tea party I had envisaged. But no MIL wanted to come and be centre of attention and kept wanting DS to crawl to her (and he obviously wouldn’t, so she got annoyed and made snide comments and sat there looking miserable. It was just awful). Think they all wondered why they they had come. I was exhausted as I was also heavily pregnant with DD by then and felt really emotional as they had gate crashed and ruined DS’s birthday. I felt cut in two trying to make drinks for everyone (remember who wanted strong tea or coffee who took sugar etc), whilst also trying to look after DS and try to enjoy his first birthday which I did not.

Say or get DH to say thank you for the kind offer but sorry MIL we feel your plans would be too much for DH on his birthday and he and we would be too tired to enjoy them. So we are going go stick to our original plan and just have one celebration for DS’s birthday.

Your Mil thinks she is the 'Mother' and you guys are her children. She's not seeing that you are an adult with your own family.
She keeps trying to reassert her dominance as the primary Mother.

Keep drawing her attention to and reinforce the separation and the family boundaries by saying things like this:
'this is what suits MY family - me, DH and baby'.
'he is my child and I am his mother' .
'my wishes for my son are different to your wishes'
'at the end of the day I am his mother'
'I (or myself and DH) will be creating traditions for MY family that may differ from traditions you had with DH'
'Myself and DH are Baby's immediate family do it's up to us to decide how we'll go about things'

Massive red flag. She’s a control freak. You and your DH need to present a united front on this and have a conversation about boundaries. You are his mother, not her and she can choose the appropriate grandmother name, but mum is not an option. And his first birthday is yours to organise as you please - if she wants a big party she can have one for her own birthday. Make it clear that her attitude is concerning to you and that unless she has a rethink, respects that you’re his parents, and stops issuing orders, you won’t be leaving your son unsupervised with her.

This!!
If she wants to 💃 dance, she should arrange her own party on her own Birthday.

Did she have a justification for why she thought mum was appropriate for her?
Surely anyone sane would know that's so inappropriate!
Good for you for sticking your plans! X

MIL is adamant she doesn't want that.
😂😂😂

Next time MiL gives birth to a baby, a year later she can decide what she wants for its first birthday.
What makes her think this is her decision?

She keeps insisting and repeating that he will have a bigger party where he can be the centre of attention.
She wants to throw a huge party so SHE can be the centre of attention.

She wants us to go to his great grandparents (her parents) house and she will organise a party there or rent a venue or a restaurant for the extended family to come. She says she wants to dance.
"That sounds lovely MiL, however it's not my bag, so I'm carrying on with my soft play plan, but you have a lovely time with your own party."

She can talk at you til she's blue in the face, she can hire 100 jugglers & a brass band but you - & I can't express this strongly enough - do not have to attend. Just keep nodding & smiling & telling her she can do whatever she likes for HER party, but you will be sticking to your own modest plan.

She'll either cotton on, or she'll press ahead with her ridiculous plan, which is clearly all about her, not your baby.

I've not read any of the replies; but let her organise it.

Don't turn up.

Reply:

That's cute Mary but your Prince is 32 and wants to go to the pub in his birthday.

MY Prince wants to go to soft play and lick some balls then have a nap.

We hope to see you at Ballz R Funz at 10 am.

Just seen your update about her wanting your baby to call her mum.
There's more of these batshit grandmas around than you maybe realise.

When she calls, why do you need to respond?
If you do respond & she keeps on about her party, just cut her off. "Yes, you are obviously very excited about your party, but as I've told you a dozen times, we're doing soft play for his birthday, so either come with us or do your own thing. I've gotta dash now byeeee"

"You can plan anything you like for your party, but if it's on XYZ date, we won't be attending,a s we'll be at soft play for his birthday, byeee".

You said you can struggle with social cues. It's ok to be blunt to the point of rudeness with the levels of crashing disrespect your MiL is showing you.
What's the worst that can happen - she gets arsey & stops speaking to you for a while? Result?

Also - where is DH in all this, & why is MiL badgering you, not him, & why has he not shut her down already?

It's your child and your choice. Perhaps she could throw him a party some other day, not on his actual birthday. I guess she's having good intentions where it's all about your baby, but she can't overrule you.

"MiL, this has become ridiculous. You are refusing to hear me - I do not want your big party, it is not your decision to make, & I want you to stop going on about it like a spoiled child. HE IS NOT HAVING A BIG PARTY we are sticking with our own plans. Don't message me about this again."

Stick to your guns. This isn't for your son's benefit, he won't remember it. A set of nice pictures of him at the farm, soft play and "blowing out the candle" sounds lovely.
This party sounds like it's for MIL's benefit. If you are in the mood for compromise why not offer to have her party/get together on another day so that the extended family can get pictures with the baby/ spend time together. Otherwise she can shelve the party plans for her birthday.

Just seen your update about her wanting your baby to call her mum.
There's more of these batshit grandmas around than you maybe realise.

Interesting this should have been posted just now. I was about to post here only to ask: are there really eccentric grannies out there who insist on being addressed as Mama or Mummy?

It's hard to contemplate such next-level lunacy.

I can't for one minute imagine any mother either being happy with this or capitulating to it. Kids know exactly who their mothers are. Your comfort is, if a kid grows up calling their granny 'Mum', they are eventually going to think (correctly) that she's a whack job.

But I suspect most of these families go NC long before this happens.

Your baby, your choice. My MIL tried to steam roller us into having a big 1st birthday party & I didn't want it at all. I wanted to go to the zoo with just the 3 of us. I got my way but years later I still remember how she made me feel.

Learn from my mistake. My mum wanted similar for my DC's first birthday and I allowed it. It was overwhelming and exhausting and I should have been firm and said thank you, that's a lovely offer but we are doing the soft play party. How about we plan a big family get together for [other event]?

Just keep enforcing her name to your DS, He'll soon understand the difference between her, as "Granny Batshit", and you as Mummy.

And don't backdown on the party. You stick with what you've booked.

WTAF!!!!

My xmil was a bit like this, and despite all the great answers you have in your head, don't over explain yourself.

She can't make you get out of bed and go to the location she's chosen, she can't even make you answer the door! So despite all the great things that you could say to her, resist the temptation to say them to her because that feeds the dynamic that you need her permission to go against her, that you need to explain why you are making your own decisions.

What kills the dynamic quicker is a quick response ''no I'm not thinking of the circus no''. Then nothing else. You just get on with your plans without justifying them constantly.

If it all comes to a head, with her shouting at you, respond are you ok? you seem to think you're the boss of me. Mary!!!!! You appear to be telling me what to do?!!?!?! What is with that

Don't present the rationale behind your decisions.

This is all very weird, especially the fact that the Granny writes in exactly the same style as the OP.

If it's true, DH should be putting her back in her box in no uncertain terms. OP shouldn't be engaging with her batshittery at all. I don't know why she would keep on messaging her MIL unless part of her enjoys the weirdness of it.

Well done OP. Stick to your guns and don’t engage with her any further on the issue.
My MIL used to be like this. I just don’t engage with her directly now, all comms are via DH, who has learned to stand up to her at long last. No doubt I get the blame for that but IDNGAF.

Just say no. And I would phone her and tell her. No to the party. No to mum. And be firm. She doesn't sound like the sort of person who being subtle works on. You have to be blunter and more direct than you would be normally.
Keep in mind you aren't looking for a fight. But just asserting yourself as the mum.

Don't make excuses. Don't be defensive. Just assertive.

@xJoy - great response

Omg! This is crazy about the name and the whole thing sounds definitely like a power thing. In my experience the quicker you (strongly) nip it in the bud the better.

"Thank you for the offer but obviously we want to organise his party." Haha, I'm his mum, that would be very weird!

Good luck, I know how hard it can be. Trust your instincts.