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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to organise baby's first birthday party

238 replies

Whatacouk · 05/03/2023 21:57

Wondering if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My baby is turning 1 soon. I wanted to maybe take him to the farm in the morning and then rent a softplay centre for a few hours and have a small party there with close family and a couple of babies.

MIL is adamant she doesn't want that.
She keeps insisting and repeating that he will have a bigger party where he can be the centre of attention.
She wants us to go to his great grandparents (her parents) house and she will organise a party there or rent a venue or a restaurant for the extended family to come. She says she wants to dance.

She said I could do the farm and soft centre in the morning and then the big party in the afternoon.
I dont want that. It will be overwhelming not only for the baby but truthfully for me too.
She says even though the baby won't remember it, it's for picture.

I want to be the one, with my husband, to organise our sons first birthday party. And I don't want to travel to her parents, who live in another city.

Before I reply to her and sticking to my guns, I was wondering if I was unreasonable and if that would make me controlling or immature.

Thank you

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/03/2023 22:43

Do your thing one weekend and do her big party thing the weekend after?

LampLamp · 05/03/2023 22:43

I hope this woman isn’t involved in childcare? Although this shouldn’t sway things, she would think this entitles her to have a say in parenting.

DiddlySquat52 · 05/03/2023 22:44

It really makes the point that they've had their turn to make these kinds of decisions but it's not their place to interfere in our decisions.

Natty13 · 05/03/2023 22:47

"I didn't get pregnant, carry him for 9 months, go through birth, the last 365 days of sleepless nights and everything that goes with it, to let someone else plan his birthday party. I'm sorry you are bot getting the grandma experience you expected however I am his mother and what I want trumps your wishes. I hope you can come to terms with this so we can all get on going forward but just to be reiterate the options are you stay in your lane or you continue to overstep and we see you less and less. Pick wisely"

I said something similar to my ex MIL bevause I had warned exDH if he didn't put a stop to it I would. She thought I was bluffing at first and got worse for a bit but then realised I gatekept her access to her grandkids and if she wanted to see them she had better behave. It was a long time coming. Even exH doesn't see her much now because she is just nasty and immature.

DinaFox · 05/03/2023 22:51

Honestly I'd just send a laughing emoji back at this point-that kind of nonsense does not even warrant a proper response.

And let her plan her party-that doesn't mean you or your child need to attend.

mummabubs · 05/03/2023 22:51

Just a whole bucket load of YANBU. She had her time to plan her kid's parties. Not her turn anymore!

mummabubs · 05/03/2023 22:54

Whatacouk · 05/03/2023 22:04

We said that to her and she just texted me

"You can go to the softplay all you want 😂. My prince is going to be given a party where he is the centre of attention."

Show quote history

Oh this makes me feel angry. He's not her Prince!?! (I am very much biased in that my MiL calls her grandchildren 'hers' and her little proncesses. It makes my toes curl slightly. 😅

ThinWomansBrain · 05/03/2023 22:55

just tell her it's your son, and that isn't what you want for him - and if she doesn't stop sticking her oar i,. she won't be invited to whatever celebrations you do have.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 05/03/2023 22:56

I agree with saying if she arranges her own party for him that he won't be there or it sets a precedent that she can do whatever she wants even if she's been told no.

JudgeRudy · 05/03/2023 22:57

You've said what you planned to do. Do that

FictionalCharacter · 05/03/2023 22:59

Your child, your decision. And nobody should be trying to take any of these milestone occasions away from the parents and make it theirs.
Wanting your child to call her mum is batshit. Did you post about this before?

Cherrysoup · 05/03/2023 23:02

Seriously, if your DH won't step up and tell her to back off, you'll have to. She just doesn't get to see your baby if she's going to try to control you.

JaneorEleven · 05/03/2023 23:06

DaveyJonesLocker · 05/03/2023 22:08

"He's not your Prince. He's my son. I'm planning his birthday."

She's had her birthday planning time, she doesn't get even the slightest say in your sons birthday.

And like fuck is your son calling her mum. The fucking loon.

This is the best answer (and made me laugh).

Carouselfish · 05/03/2023 23:09

'Dear MIL, It's a kind idea! DH has told me how good you were at organising parties for him when he was little. I'm so looking forward to doing that for my little boy! These firsts mean a lot, don't they!?
We could come to see all the family for a party the day after the farm park? The same day we'll all just be too tired and he'll either be asleep or grumpy. You're welcome to join for the farm too!

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 05/03/2023 23:10

PollyPut · 05/03/2023 22:06

It's actually very kind that she is offering to host a big party with relatives. But you can do both your day and hers - just on different days. That's what I would do. Find a reason for her party not to be on the actual birthday (train strike/weekend preference etc)

No it’s not kind, her text was very rude and making statements such I will have a party where he is centre of attention is ridiculous and a power grab.

Jujuj · 05/03/2023 23:16

Do what you want to do OP.

saraclara · 05/03/2023 23:17

He's not your Prince. He's my son. I'm planning his birthday

Yep, say that. Only make it even clearer that there will be no celebrations that day other than yours.

"He's not your Prince. He's my son. It's my role to plan his birthday party. You'll need to save your party planning for your own birthday I'm afraid"

Glitteratitar · 05/03/2023 23:29

We had 2 parties for our first birthday. We had a small one with just close family and friends. And then my mum put on a huge party a few days later.

She’s very sociable and for her it was an opportunity to host. I didn’t really see it as DS’s birthday party - just one of my mum’s parties with cake and balloons for DS. Didn’t bother me because it was my mum’s family and friends who were invited.

Partyandbullshit · 05/03/2023 23:36

She’s a forceful personality and I suspect you aren’t. The situation wasn’t helped for you by your husband enabling your MIL. You’ve lost sight of what’s right and what’s not.

FYI, in any normal relationship, a grandmother would not be telling her DIL what her grandson will be doing on his first birthday. She wouldn’t dream of it. It’s overstepping ridiculously. And, a DIL would just laugh off and then ignore any repeated suggestions to the contrary.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this dynamic.

FYI we had a “just us” birthday party for my first child’s first birthday, also my MIL’s first grandchild. We then went to hers that weekend and let her have the party she wanted for her. She never repeated it, too much work and none of the guests were that interested (including us!).

Anoisagusaris · 05/03/2023 23:39

Adults dancing at a 1 year old’s birthday party?? Who has parties like that???

PollyPut · 05/03/2023 23:41

@Whatacouk you will find many children have more than one birthday celebration. What you want to do, and then a family/relatives event on a different day- especially for first birthday.

I would make it clear that you are doing what you like on the actual birthday, but then let her host a family celebration on a different day if she wishes. If lots of relatives come to the event then your child will have extended family who have met him (if they haven't already) - this can only be good for your child in the long run and it saves you from having to host it yourself. You will also be setting your boundaries by saying what you will do on the actual birthday.

Original poster
Whatacouk · 05/03/2023 23:44

She lives quite far away and would only be down for that weekend. Her parents live a few hours away from us but she lives on the other end of the UK. So we won't be able to have two separate parties. She's insisting on doing that on the same day

OP posts:
SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 05/03/2023 23:45

Sapphire387 · 05/03/2023 22:03

Glad that he is supportive, but as you are equal parents and his mother is causing the issue here, perhaps he could call or text her to confirm that you two already have plans in place? If I were you, I would ignore MIL and let DH deal with her.

This. The solution to many MIL problems is to let your Dh deal with it.

Don’t answer the phone to her, let her phone your DH.

When she texts you, get Dh to reply to her.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 05/03/2023 23:50

Whatacouk · 05/03/2023 22:00

Thank you for your replies.
I feel like this might be a power play. She recently said she wanted my son to call her mum for instance

Big Girl pants on.
Put your foot down and tell her no, thanks for the offer but his dad and are going to organise his party.
What she’s proposing will be overwhelming for him. If you don’t she’ll override every other birthday etc. making sure she’s front stage and centre while you’re in the background.

starfishmummy · 05/03/2023 23:51

Put your foot down now, it wont get any better!

My mil wasn't this bad but there were a few skirmishes over the years.