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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to inlaws or keep quiet?

233 replies

MakeMineATea · 05/03/2023 10:06

Dh's parents moved away last year to a different part of the country. When they told us they were going, they said they'd visit us once a month for a couple of days, help out with our young dc's, give us an evening out, etc. This happened once a month after they moved and not since. If they've come to see us, it's been a quick visit in a day.

We've had a really difficult couple of years and especially the last few months. Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby. Myself and dh have mental/physical health problems. Both work.

My parents are 10 years older than dh's parents. They haven't been in good health either and although they would help out, I don't want to put that on them. Dh's parents are in good health and younger. They're financially comfortable. We will visit them in the summer but it's not somewhere we can go to regularly in our circumstances. Dc's are also too young to stay there without us and I don't think it will be a particularly child friendly house either.

I feel like they are full of false promises. Like coming for a few days to help us once a month. FIL said he'd decorate our dc's bedroom about a year ago. We didn't ask, he offered and said he'd do it several times but nothing ever came of it. We didn't follow this up with him, just got a decorator in to do it. They also said they'd give us £1000 to put towards a family car. Again, we didn't ask, it was genuinely and sincerely offered (I thought). A few weeks after that, we got a car, inlaws knew about it and didn't offer the £1000 they offered. We didn't say anything.

Dh and I have been at breaking point recently. The pressure of everything has been huge. It's got so bad for me personally that I'm struggling with self harm as well as other complex mental health problems. Plus trying to hold down a job and be a mum. Them moving away has been extremely difficult as they did see us every one or two weeks before that and it was nice to have that family contact.

It would massively help us if the inlaws would just commit to coming down once a month as they said originally. The problem is, they're not great with being asked for things. It's always on their terms when they fancy seeing their gc. So we feel awkward about asking but then again, if they don't know how we feel and how things actually are, nothing will change. But what if they just don't care?! Should we just keep quiet and not rock the boat? Dh is very hurt and angry about their blow hot blow cold, inconsistent behaviour towards us but has never said anything. Do we open this can of worm or keep the lid on?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 05/03/2023 10:13

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time op. And while it's really shit they keep breaking promises, you are being unreasonable to expect help from them. They are your children and your soul responsibility.

It is ridiculous to offer these things then not do it but that's their choice.

You can either bring it up directly with them and say "will you be giving us the money you said you would?' 'Will you be staying up for a night this month as you said you would?' Or, just leave it and assume they dont actually mean it but want to look good like they've offered.

JackiePlace · 05/03/2023 10:14

You know from experience that they won't do it, even if they previously said they would. So don't count on them, for anything.
If they do turn up once in a while you can think of it as a bonus.

StripeyDeckchair · 05/03/2023 10:15

YABU it's up to you to look after your children - any help you get is a bonus but shouldn't be relied on.

maddy68 · 05/03/2023 10:17

Speak to them and tell them you are struggling. BUT YABU to expect them to travel to give you child care. This is something you need to arrange yourself they don't live a convienient distance away and even if they did they shouldn't be expected to look after your children

You need to arrange childcare and give yourselves a break

FfeminyddCymraeg · 05/03/2023 10:17

I think YABU to expect them to come down for a few days a month. I get that they said they would but it’s quite a commitment for them and I can see why it’s already waned.

Whilst it would be nice, and helpful to you and your DH, you can’t expect it unfortunately.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/03/2023 10:18

It's rubbish that they keep breaking promises but ultimately, they aren't obliged to help and I think they have already demonstrated that you can't really rely on them.

I think you're better off trying to identify other sources of support that might help - whether that's friends or some kind of professional help etc. It's a shame that your PIL don't want to do more, but they don't have to.

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time.

MiniCooperLover · 05/03/2023 10:19

I would Imagine they made that offer to appease the idea of moving away so far. They aren't going to stick to it and I don't think you can expect them to. The rest, you didn't follow up on the decorator or the car money and I think it's down to you to do that.

What is it you're struggling with? What can you cut back on commitment wise to help with the stress?

twoandcooplease · 05/03/2023 10:20

Well, if you don't follow up with anything you really can't complain. You've listed at least 3 examples but people are not mind readers (or free babysitters)
You say "The problem is, they're not great with being asked for things. "
......
I think the problem is you are not asking

stayathomer · 05/03/2023 10:22

There’s a saying that life happens and that’s so true. When I moved away I told my parents I’d be down weekly, then fortnightly then it turned into monthly. They have their own life, I’m sure they’d love to get down more but I’m 43 and I (back then even pre kids), used to find the travelling tiring so add their age (you can act like they’re young but sorry, they’re not in their 20s or 30s!) I can see why they don’t get over more. As well as that even if they did it’s a lot for them to take on additional needs x As for money, circumstances change, plus the cost of living has skyrocketed. I’m sorry you don’t have more help and it’s bloody hard- we were always the same, no help, juggling etc. but none of your bigger problems. You need to look at cutting down hours and yes, do ask can they come and help for a few days, but it’s a lot to ask for a regular set up. Also talk to someone. Both of you. Hugs op

Gingernaut · 05/03/2023 10:24

Don't believe a word they say and don't count on them for anything

They clearly underestimated the logistics of living so far away

ChrisPPancake · 05/03/2023 10:24

You've known you can't rely on them since before they moved away, so I'm afraid you were a bit daft to think the monthly visits would materialise.
You could say something but it won't make a difference will it?
Those saying you shouldn't need to rely on them for childcare/you need to look after your children yourself have I suspect not had to do so with long term health conditions. I get that you need the extra support, but I'm afraid you need to look elsewhere for it Flowers

Original poster
MakeMineATea · 05/03/2023 10:24

We could look into other childcare options but as our eldest child has adhd, autism and spd, his needs are such that this can make it hard. We don't have any friends that are in a position to help. It would be better for him if his grandparents could help as it's familiar to him and they know about his needs.

OP posts:
Whyisitsososohard · 05/03/2023 10:25

This sounds hard. I don't have children but have a similar situation with my parents. Where they act like family are a big priority and do things which not only don't help me, they make my life harder. I think it's about managing expectations.

But it's hard because I think we get so many messages about how family help and support each other. I think people can be a bit harsh on here with the whole family don't owe you anything lines. But actually our society and culture gives loads of message's about families supporting each other. Especially with children. So yes they might not owe you anything but it is a social norm in a sense.

I wouldn't say anything, just don't rely on them for anything. Dealing with the false promises is hard. Perhaps gently challenge them when they make them. If the promise something else say something like well you did say you'd do dc bedroom so ill maybe just sort xx myself.

feelinglikeanewparent · 05/03/2023 10:26

MakeMineATea · 05/03/2023 10:24

We could look into other childcare options but as our eldest child has adhd, autism and spd, his needs are such that this can make it hard. We don't have any friends that are in a position to help. It would be better for him if his grandparents could help as it's familiar to him and they know about his needs.

It might be better but it sounds like that option isn't there anymore. Neither should you expect it to be.

If your DH is upset it's up to him to speak to them about it.

But ultimately your kids are your responsibility.

Original poster
MakeMineATea · 05/03/2023 10:28

I was thinking about saying to them, even if they could come for 2/3 days every 2 months and we would pay for them to stay at a nearby hotel, does that sound unreasonable? We're not exactly financially comfortable to do that but we would appreciate them helping and would find the money. Unfortunately we don't have room for them to stay at ours.

OP posts:
evemillbank · 05/03/2023 10:29

If they wanted to do it they'd already be doing it so I wouldn't say anything. I also agree it is not for them to sort out your child care needs. I have never asked the grandparents for childcare and we get on well.

WandaWonder · 05/03/2023 10:30

We love family help, but it is an an extra not for one second do we ever expect it

Our child is ours we chose this

Springisclose · 05/03/2023 10:31

I think you have two/three options

  1. Ask can come come down on x date, stay for x Number of nights and help us with y. Or suggest a date that works better for you.
  2. If this works go forward on this basis. If they still don’t visit you have your answer and although that’s very disappointing at least you know where you are.
  3. Say nothing and continue life assuming no help from them.
It could be they want to help but also find caring for young children exhausting.
lap90 · 05/03/2023 10:33

If they have shown repeatedly that they are full of false promises then you know they can't be relied on. Just have no/little expectations when they make such remarks.

Ultimately, while it would be nice of them to help, they don't have to do so.

Jonagirl · 05/03/2023 10:34

I wouldn't say anything now but if they offer something again I would say "please don't offer things unless you are going to follow through, you have done it a lot lately and while I have told myself now to just not believe it until I see it, it is still rather upsetting. It would be better if you didn't offer things at all than offer and not follow through" now that may come off quite abrupt but you have the examples to back it up.

They aren't obliged to help but they need to stop offeing, that would annoy me

Original poster
MakeMineATea · 05/03/2023 10:35

Whyisitsososohard · 05/03/2023 10:25

This sounds hard. I don't have children but have a similar situation with my parents. Where they act like family are a big priority and do things which not only don't help me, they make my life harder. I think it's about managing expectations.

But it's hard because I think we get so many messages about how family help and support each other. I think people can be a bit harsh on here with the whole family don't owe you anything lines. But actually our society and culture gives loads of message's about families supporting each other. Especially with children. So yes they might not owe you anything but it is a social norm in a sense.

I wouldn't say anything, just don't rely on them for anything. Dealing with the false promises is hard. Perhaps gently challenge them when they make them. If the promise something else say something like well you did say you'd do dc bedroom so ill maybe just sort xx myself.

@Whyisitsososohard You're right. I know a lot of mn users can be very anti asking for help and I do see that people have their own lives. Equally, I've been back and forth in recent times to doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, having different assessments and I'm always asked about what support we have. They want to know about other family.

I wonder if things would be different if inlaws needed our help.

OP posts:
QuackMooOink · 05/03/2023 10:36

I don’t think you can complain to them as such eg saying directly “you said you’d visit and babysit monthly and you haven’t” would be confrontational and not really appropriate as they clearly would be coming if they wanted to. However, I don’t see anything wrong with you expressing to them that you are all really struggling right now. No point in saying everything is jolly if you and DH are at breaking point. They can be informed of this. You DH could also ask them if they would be willing to visit for a few days to help out (without saying “like you promised to do” however hard it is to bite your tongue on that!) So basically asking fresh for help from family. As much as MN seems to think this is rude I don’t see anything wrong with asking so long as you aren’t pushy with it. Why shouldn’t DH explain to his parents that you are struggling and could use their help. Worse case they don’t help out. Then you’ll definitely know where you stand and will need to seriously look at other ways to get help for your family (a specialist babysitter or similar?)

TomeTome · 05/03/2023 10:37

Stand on your own feet. Find babysitters you can rely on and use them regularly so the children know them and you start to build a more stable set up. (TA, senco, local mums with SN children could point you in the direction of someone great). Help dh and the children to feel loved by their family but not reliant on them.

OnaBegonia · 05/03/2023 10:37

I think you need to stop fixating in them being the answer to your problems. Explore other options for support and childcare, you know they're not reliable.

Sapphire387 · 05/03/2023 10:37

The thing is, they will reap what they sow.

It's said on MN a lot that people shouldn't rely on family for help. It makes me so grateful for my parents and sister who have always helped us so much. I am sorry your in laws are making promises they don't keep, and things sound really hard for you.

The wheel will turn and one day, they will find themselves old and in need of more help. And perhaps you won't be so inclined to give it.

What kind of parents bring their kids up and then wash their hands, knowing their kids are struggling with their own children? Unless they have health problems or something else that prevents them, it is actually pretty shitty.

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