To say something to inlaws or keep quiet?

[MakeMineATea]

Dh's parents moved away last year to a different part of the country. When they told us they were going, they said they'd visit us once a month for a couple of days, help out with our young dc's, give us an evening out, etc. This happened once a month after they moved and not since. If they've come to see us, it's been a quick visit in a day.

We've had a really difficult couple of years and especially the last few months. Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby. Myself and dh have mental/physical health problems. Both work.

My parents are 10 years older than dh's parents. They haven't been in good health either and although they would help out, I don't want to put that on them. Dh's parents are in good health and younger. They're financially comfortable. We will visit them in the summer but it's not somewhere we can go to regularly in our circumstances. Dc's are also too young to stay there without us and I don't think it will be a particularly child friendly house either.

I feel like they are full of false promises. Like coming for a few days to help us once a month. FIL said he'd decorate our dc's bedroom about a year ago. We didn't ask, he offered and said he'd do it several times but nothing ever came of it. We didn't follow this up with him, just got a decorator in to do it. They also said they'd give us £1000 to put towards a family car. Again, we didn't ask, it was genuinely and sincerely offered (I thought). A few weeks after that, we got a car, inlaws knew about it and didn't offer the £1000 they offered. We didn't say anything.

Dh and I have been at breaking point recently. The pressure of everything has been huge. It's got so bad for me personally that I'm struggling with self harm as well as other complex mental health problems. Plus trying to hold down a job and be a mum. Them moving away has been extremely difficult as they did see us every one or two weeks before that and it was nice to have that family contact.

It would massively help us if the inlaws would just commit to coming down once a month as they said originally. The problem is, they're not great with being asked for things. It's always on their terms when they fancy seeing their gc. So we feel awkward about asking but then again, if they don't know how we feel and how things actually are, nothing will change. But what if they just don't care?! Should we just keep quiet and not rock the boat? Dh is very hurt and angry about their blow hot blow cold, inconsistent behaviour towards us but has never said anything. Do we open this can of worm or keep the lid on?

Hi FIL! You said you could help out decorating the room. We’re thinking of doing it now, would this be a good time for you? Thank you.

It's unclear what you want or expect. You had hoped they'd visit for a few days each month however then you say you're unable to put them up. You've suggested paying for accomodation as an after thought now. If they're travelling up and giving up their time surely you don't expect them to pay for the privilege!
A few days once a month is a big ask. Also I think it's perfectly acceptable for it to be on their terms. If they were to call you on a Thursday and ask if you're free that weekend it's down to you to seize the day.
Do you visit them? What happens when they visit you...its now only part days rather than the 2 or 3 you hoped for. Maybe they feel used and every time they see you you dump the kids on them. Maybe they feel you've no interest in them, it's all about what they can do for you.
Might it be possible for 'half' of your family to visit them eg you and eldest and stay over? Could maybe gran come up alone and you put her up. Does it always have to be full family/couple? It might be good for your atypical child to be away from their sibling occasionally.
I understand it must be incredibly hard to find suitable childcare but you seem to be acting as if your current social circle are the only people in the world. Couldn't you try out a childminder/babysitter on a day you're not desperate and bild up a relationship so that you could eg feel OK going out for a meal etc. Maybe a student who would have greater availability during school holidays?
When my children were young, certainly pre school I only recall 1 occasion where my mum had children overnight. Many families with children don't get time off, however I can see the additiinal needs complicate things.
Have you considered either of you reducing your working hours? Could you afford to lose some income in lieu of time/quality of life.
I think you need to look to yourselves to make your lives easier, not your PIL.
I'm childfree now. I don't have much in the way of money but I have freedom. I value it immensely. Yes, if the children ask me to vabysit on a specific night I'll probably agree but I don't have set days I see them and socialise. It's all very casual. Either of us might ring fhe other up and say You free Saturday...yes we are in the day but I'm booting you out at 6 as going out in evening....no but I'm free Sunday or next Sat if that works better...
Another option might be to move closer to them but that's going to requite a conversation. You all don't sound very good at that.

Hang on a minute, they looked after your child for 9 months after you went back to work until COVID happened? That's quite generous help and let face it, everything changed for everyone after COVID.

It would've been nice to know this before: they don't sound quite so crap now

OP I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time. I think instead of focusing on the in-laws and what they are or aren’t offering or doing I would instead focus on building your own support network.
There are people out there who will have the experience and skills to look after your dc, ask around locally even on local Facebook pages, there will be people out there. Build yourself a network.

ask your DH to call them and be honest, you’re struggling and if they could come down for a few days soon it would be a huge help. How far is the journey? Do they struggle to care for your DS? I agree it’s not their responsibility but they shouldn’t make false promises, that’s not very fair. See what they say when your DH has spoken to them

Im kind of torn on this! They most definitely shouldn't be offering things and then not doing it, its an awful thing to do. However with the travelling i kind of understand that they may have underestimated how hard that would be and i understand why they don't come as much as they said they would. As for expecting them to come and look after the kids for a few days every few weeks i think you are unreasonable to expect this. I love seeing my grandchildren on my terms, that is part of the enjoyment of grandchildren. I did the hard work when mine were young and i don't want to do it all over again with grandchildren. I enjoy all the fun bits and then hand them back to their parents. Its different if a grandparent chooses to take over a caring role for their grandchild but I definitely don't think it should be expected of them.

Op regardless of the other stuff what I strongly don't like is wafting stuff under your nose and then pulling it away.

That's nasty.

Saying words costs them nothing and they could be far more sensitive in what they say.

So, the next time they offer something I would be firm * that's very kind of you to offer this but, I don't know if you realise something.... You keep offering us stuff that you don't follow through on. Off the top of my head, money toward a car, coming once a month etc etc.

We are not expecting anyone to help us at all but at the moment we are struggling so bejng offered help we have not asked for which is then withdrawn is making our situation worse.

So thanks but no thanks and please be more considerate and tactful.

I read it that she was on maternity leave and they kept on offering and then covid struck.

But actually if its the case that they looked after a baby for nine months while you were at work then they have absolutely more than done their grandparenting shift.

I really don’t think asking them to come down and help but telling them they can’t actually stay with you is reasonable.

The fact that they would have to sort out accommodation (once a month!) while looking after your kids as there is no room in your home is a vital piece of info you left out from your original post! That’s a big deal for anyone of any age!

Op are you the poster who makes a post every month about the in-laws who moved a long way away and can’t support your sen child? Aren’t they caring for another relative? I think you always end up getting the same advice which is to stop dwelling on it.

I sound unsympathetic but I’m In the same position, I had dc with special needs and my parents / in-laws have never helped with looking after dc even though they are closer enough to visit for a day. It upsets me because I had amazing grandparents who were a bit part of my childhood and I had always pictured big family events and board games and watching Xmas movies together, with granddad snoring on the sofa like in my childhood.

It is awful to feel so unsupported and I suspect if you try to have a conversation with them it won’t go well so you need to find your own support. I go to a church group with parents of autistic dc and have a good emotional support network. They can’t help with childcare but we do exchange parenting ideas, swap books and provide a space to let off steam. I also have found a babysitter who makes sure dc don’t come to any harm when I’m not there! She doesn’t place demands on them like getting undressed and will often read a book while they’re in their bedrooms but it does mean I can go out occasionally.

Op are you the poster who makes a post every month about the in-laws who moved a long way away and can’t support your sen child? Aren’t they caring for another relative? I think you always end up getting the same advice which is to stop dwelling on it.

Is that right, @MakeMineATea ?

The oldest is almost 5. I read it that they kept offering to look after the oldest of op wanted to go back to work. Op at some point went back to work.

Which did happen and they did it for 9 months. Then covid. Then they moved.

Thats how I read it.

Grandparents are allowed to move away if they want.
Grandparents are not required to undertake childcare if they don’t want.

As they keep making promises they don’t keep, don’t take them seriously any more. However you need to give them the benefit of the doubt and follow up on offers of help…..
They may think you would rather get on with things on your own.
Did you ask again about the offer of decorating help for example.

@Daffodilsandbeer mental health struggles aren't always obvious, including self harm. People can go to great lengths to hide these, so I don't think 'of course' they know they need help.

At the end of the day, the outcome they want is to have more help. So whether the grandparents know or not, they need to ask them for help.

@stealthninjamum of course it is! And every post makes the GP out to be more and more unreasonable by omitting pertinent details such as GP being carers for one of their parents, logistics around the GP getting their dogs looked after, etc.

You need an action plan.

1. Explain exactly how much you are struggling and exactly what support you need.

1. Put in place a paid for support network. Involving suitable people. This will take ages and be trial.and error but is essential.

1. Assess what other changes you can make to your set up. One or other od you reduce work a bit. Respite . Etc.

As difficult as it is I think you would need to stop replying on your in laws. By all means spell it out for them so they are aware but you would need to take steps to find alternate childcare.

Perhaps his school/ nursery may have some ideas about childminders ? Or if he is already at school contact the school nursing service to see if they have any ideas

Also see if you are "entitled" any respite as having a child with special needs ain't no walk in the park

Your in-laws may be younger than your parents but they are presumably in their fifties at least. They don't have the energy they would have had in their twenties or thirties. It is probably best to assume you will not get any practical assistance from them and focus on finding other sources of help.

OP,
You have my sympathy.

No doubt their moving was all a part of this.

They are the type that love to offer help because they like saying the words, but they ave no intention of following through.

However hard it is, try and detach from them.

The stress of their behaviour is just not what you need when things are so hard.

I certainly wouldn't be putting yourself out to visit them.

You need to reach out to whatever services may be available to you for support.

But people who wouldn't even contact you when you have had a car crash are not people to be factoring into your support network.

I feel very sorry for you.

I'm afraid that you need to forget about any help, financial or practical from your in laws. They have shown that they make false promises, that lead you on to expect money or help. This leads to disappointment when it doesn't materialise. You will do far better to expect nothing from them. Rather than paying for a hotel for them if they ever stay, put this money towards finding a good local babysitter who could look after your children once or twice a month. Maybe your parents would be up to babysitting when both children are asleep so you could have a meal out? They'd probably feel comfortable with that & want to help. Expect and ask for nothing from in-laws, if they do ever provide a smidgen of support it would then just be a bonus not an expectation based on their false promises.

Hang on a minute now...

Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby

So you want two elderly people to travel to come and mind them for you?

Plus trying to hold down a job and be a mum

So who minds the children when you both work? Could you not find a babysitter there among people who know your kids?

We could look into other childcare options but as our eldest child has adhd, autism and spd, his needs are such that this can make it hard. We don't have any friends that are in a position to help. It would be better for him if his grandparents could help as it's familiar to him and they know about his needs

Besides the childcare he is already in, surely he would GET to know someone new if you were to go ahead and hire someone who could manage his needs. Why would you even expect friends to help? HIRE someone and pay for it!

even if they could come for 2/3 days every 2 months and we would pay for them to stay at a nearby hotel

Are you for real? You want to put them up in a hotel and then what? They arrive to your too small to put the up house every day ready to mind your kids?

I'm always asked about what support we have. They want to know about other family

And of course you tell them that your parents are toooooo old etc and the other grandparents are at the other end of the country. Surely you must be prompted to find alternative care and respite. it is not feasible with the family you have.

but will we being saying this when they're elderly and need our help? Will we do what we wish when they are ill or struggling

Not nice. They brought your husband up didn't they? They have no obligation to take care of your kids especially from so far away.

I just don't know who else to ask

I don't get this.... HIRE Someone and pay for it like so many other people do! It's simple!

Ds is only 4 and has autism, adhd and spd. He needs familiarity. If we could find someone who understands him, that would be great but maybe not a straightforward task as some people have suggested

He will GET to know them...start looking for someone suitable, have you even tried doing this?

I remember my FIL (who took early retirement at the time) said whenever you want to go back to work, we'll have ds. We never expected that or asked, it was offered. Lasted about 9 months before covid struck then things changed

They minded them for free for 9 months until Covid. Are you taking the piss now

These are YOUR children. Your in laws live MILES away. You don't even put them up when you expect them to come down and take care of your kids. Quit it with the expectancy and entitlement. The effort you take coming on here and berating you in laws who had the AUDACITY to move when you need help minding your own children would be better put to finding alternative childcare that suits you and your children and paying for it.

@billy1966 you're absolutely right.

It's been a really difficult and confusing situation. They were so excited and offered loads when we ad our dc1 but it gradually subsided. They say the right words when it suits them.

The reality is, they've totally switched from being our family and offering help and support to now, it feels like since they've moved, they've cut themselves off from us. It's been very hurtful but we've not said this to them. I suppose I'm wondering if we should or just phase them out to avoid disappointment and stress?

My family just consists of my parents who do offer and give support when they can but like I said previously, they have their own health problems and are older. My inlaws are late 50s.

I completely understand that you are hurt.

You don't need to cut anyone off.

You just need to not rely on them for practical support.

There can be a completely normal visiting family for lunch relationship.

Then you need to find a paid support network.

Honestly, I think it's better to assume you will get no help from them whatsoever, then any help that does come will be a happy bonus. As PPs have said, make sure you are getting all the support/funding you are entitled to and try to find someone who is able to babysit your older child.