To say something to inlaws or keep quiet?

[MakeMineATea]

Dh's parents moved away last year to a different part of the country. When they told us they were going, they said they'd visit us once a month for a couple of days, help out with our young dc's, give us an evening out, etc. This happened once a month after they moved and not since. If they've come to see us, it's been a quick visit in a day.

We've had a really difficult couple of years and especially the last few months. Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby. Myself and dh have mental/physical health problems. Both work.

My parents are 10 years older than dh's parents. They haven't been in good health either and although they would help out, I don't want to put that on them. Dh's parents are in good health and younger. They're financially comfortable. We will visit them in the summer but it's not somewhere we can go to regularly in our circumstances. Dc's are also too young to stay there without us and I don't think it will be a particularly child friendly house either.

I feel like they are full of false promises. Like coming for a few days to help us once a month. FIL said he'd decorate our dc's bedroom about a year ago. We didn't ask, he offered and said he'd do it several times but nothing ever came of it. We didn't follow this up with him, just got a decorator in to do it. They also said they'd give us £1000 to put towards a family car. Again, we didn't ask, it was genuinely and sincerely offered (I thought). A few weeks after that, we got a car, inlaws knew about it and didn't offer the £1000 they offered. We didn't say anything.

Dh and I have been at breaking point recently. The pressure of everything has been huge. It's got so bad for me personally that I'm struggling with self harm as well as other complex mental health problems. Plus trying to hold down a job and be a mum. Them moving away has been extremely difficult as they did see us every one or two weeks before that and it was nice to have that family contact.

It would massively help us if the inlaws would just commit to coming down once a month as they said originally. The problem is, they're not great with being asked for things. It's always on their terms when they fancy seeing their gc. So we feel awkward about asking but then again, if they don't know how we feel and how things actually are, nothing will change. But what if they just don't care?! Should we just keep quiet and not rock the boat? Dh is very hurt and angry about their blow hot blow cold, inconsistent behaviour towards us but has never said anything. Do we open this can of worm or keep the lid on?

Instead of spending money on a hotel for them (which you may end up cancelling anyway) do as others have suggested, get a reliable babysitter and pay them well, worth their weight in gold, word of mouth, stick a note in doors of local creches to see if any staff want to earn some extra money etc etc or simply Google to find local agencies

They made unrealistic promises when they moved away. You already know their promises are empty, so why look to them for help?

I don't want to sound unkind when you're struggling, but focusing on what you think your inlaws sould be doing to help your situation is counter productive. They are far away, living their new lives in their new area. Your parents are on hand, but because of the age difference you aren't looking to them for help.

Stop thinking about what your inlaws "should" be doing and look for alternate sources of support. "Should" never does anything useful, it just keeps your thoughts in an unhelpful spiral.

You need to separate out in your mind childcare and grandparenting.

They are grandparents and can be involved in your children lives to what ever extent they wish.

You are at breaking point and therefore something needs to change in your domestic set up. Work, childcare, other changes etc.

However, they are completely different things.

You seem to think that the grandparenting is the answer to your problem.

But it's not.

You need to find an alternative solution to your problem.

And then let them do what they wish.

You can then tell them about the problem you have and the solution that you've come up with. And if they want to they can volunteer to help.

But you can't expect them to do so, when past behaviour demonstrated that they won't.

I can see why they haven’t come to stay for a few days each month if you don’t have room for them.

What do you want them to do when they come? Is it to take the children and give you a break or to spend time/days out together? If it’s to spend time together, why don’t you go and stay with them?

I'm sorry that you are struggling.

There is a lot going on in your post.

However I think that you are flogging a dead horse re the inlaws helping you with childcare.

It may be that they feel they can't cope with your child's additional needs and feel it's too much responsibility for them.

What would your expectations be of help from them? Specifically?

Can you look to outsource what that help might be?

Have you posted about them before?

@Dishwashersaurous but will we being saying this when they're elderly and need our help? Will we do what we wish when they are ill or struggling?

I don't think our consciences would allow it.

No this is not unreasonable at all and actually a great idea. Much better than sitting waiting on an offer that'll not turn into anything

I learned years ago that if you want something you have to rely on yourself to make it happen
Equally though, your kids do have other grandparents and think you should be involving your mum and dad a bit more

And just seen that you dont have space to put them up. So what exactly do you expect them to do for a few days a month?

Your idea of them helping isn't practical.

If you can afford to pay for a hotel then you can afford to pay for some childcare.

What exactly is it that you need help with, and people can suggest practical solutions.

I don’t think I would want to be committed to visiting anybody on a schedule like that. And yes it does sound a bit unreasonable to ask as you are only interested in regular help, not in actually seeing them. Use the money for the hotel on other childcare services. The in-laws live in another part of the country and are not a practical solution to your childcare needs.

I don’t know why they keep making promises they don’t stick to, but I think going forward you have to take it all with a pinch of salt based on their track record.

It doesn't have to be an argument - just ask them...

"Oh it would be lovely to have you for a couple of days, it's been ages since you last did that. How about next weekend."

Don't just wait for them to organise, take control.

PS so sorry you're having such a hard time

I've found it similar with my in-laws. They talk a good game but ultimately can't be relied on. Even when things got really tough and my husband (their son) became seriously ill they never came through with any practical help. We got through the tough times without them. Now life has improved they moan they don't have much of a relationship with the grandkids and barely see us. You're in-laws won't change. You need to look for help elsewhere. Do you have any siblings? Have you considered joining some support groups?

I was thinking about saying to them, even if they could come for 2/3 days every 2 months and we would pay for them to stay at a nearby hotel, does that sound unreasonable? We're not exactly financially comfortable to do that but we would appreciate them helping and would find the money

So, say they come and you pay £300 for them to come and stay at a hotel, what do you envisage the 2/3 days to look like? Them turning up at yours at 9am and providing childcare all day till 6pm. Where will you be? What will they do? Do you think this is likely? Or will they come to you at 11.30 for lunch and ask what you’re all going to do for the afternoon.

You’ve posted about not being happy but I can’t work out what it is you actually want. Chances are, they don’t know either. Communication doesn’t seem to be great

Op yes it does feel like you are coming across as their only purpose is to help you

You make it sound like it’s their fault you’re struggling. It’s not. They are your children and your responsibility.

Hope you’ll feel better soon.

You can of course suggest it.

But equally they may well say no. And that's OK.

If you want to just see them.thats one thing, but you just want them to do childcare which is different.

Honestly if you need childcare then you need to pay for something locally, it's not realistic to expect people who live the other side of the country to provide regular childcare.

Sounds really tough OP.

I think your DH needs to explain that you are struggling and ask for some specific help. Be explicit and direct “It would really help us if you could come x date - xdate’ to give us a bit of respite and keep the pressure off “

It might be that they find caring for your Dc harder than they thought they would, so ask for help with other things? Batch cooking, gardening etc?

I think the idea of getting a local babysitter who becomes part of your support system is the best. Is there a local special needs school where the assistants might be prepared to take it on? Does your dc go to school and is there any assistant there? Or is there a local college where students are studying in this area so it could be a learning experience for them. Paying them gives you more independence to have them regularly instead of GPS.
They sound like those people who think when they say something it's already done and never cop that they actually never carried it through. Probably tell their friends..oh we will pop up and down to see our gc never realising it doesn't happen.

Forget them until ye can visit in the Summer which could be nice.

Soft YABU - they sound like incredibly selfish people, which isn't going to change because they've become grandparents. They've shown they're unreliable and their promises aren't worth anything, so I think you would be better off not bothering saying anything to them, and instead trying to find help somewhere else.

Maybe contact the local schools and nurseries to enquire about babysitting possibilities just to give yourselves a break, lots of the HCA at our local ones moonlight doing babysitting for extra cash, and they're extremely well qualified in dealing with children with additional needs. Also the local council might have lists of local carers and groups that could offer support too.

You both sound like you just need a bit of help, and it's shame that the only relatives you have that are able to are like this with you. But keep in mind that this isn't forever, there is other help out there to help you cope while it's so hard, so just leave them to it.

And also keep in mind that this goes both ways - they may be unreliable and selfish with you, but you don't have to accommodate them any more than they do for you, especially if you resent them when you see them. If they don't care about familial obligations then they can't really expect it in return - they've made their bed, let them lie in it!

Who knows if you will even be able to help them then? It doesn’t sound as you like them much, you only want them to help you out. I mean, you’d seriously ask them to stay at a hotel and help you with childcare? Why on earth would they want to do that, rather than stay in their own comfortable new house?

They are your children and your responsibility. You need to sort it yourself and not expect any help. Can you not get babysitters and slowly with a familiar face your children will get more used to them? My son is autistic and I word FT and have had a lot of nannies. You need time for yourself too. And time as a couple. With no friends and family youll have to pay for it.

You know they are not making promises, just throwing out ideas that they have no intention of following through. So stop believing them, you know they don’t follow through.
if they start doing this to the kids I would say something though… pil, please don’t promise anything unless you will follow through - the kids are so disappointed.
or… DD is asking when will you come down to do her bedroom, she is so excited.

or… parents, are you still willing to give us the £1000 you mentioned? We are looking to buy the new car now, and that will have an impact on what we can buy…

Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby.

That sounds like quite a big ask for the grandparents to look after them for any length of time, especially if you don’t see them very often.

This.

It would be lovely if they did want to help but it's their life to live as they wish. I assume this is their retirement. You can't expect them to provide regular childcare.

They shouldn't have promised, but they travelled one month and may have found it more tiring than they expected. Also if they have just moved, they will need to build their life and their friendship groups in their new location, plus get any issues with a new home sorted.

Yep, OP just wants help from in-laws. But why would they stay in a hotel at their age and then look after her children when there is no place at hers to stay? I dont get why OP cannot go and see them every month and then get a break?

In all fairness it seems like you are relying on them instead of helping yourselves yes they shouldn't make false promises but life happens.I think you need more help than a bit of babysitting etc and you need to get that before you hurt yourself.
You chose to have your kids knowing your issues so you need to sort things yourself you're an adult.