To say something to inlaws or keep quiet?

[MakeMineATea]

Dh's parents moved away last year to a different part of the country. When they told us they were going, they said they'd visit us once a month for a couple of days, help out with our young dc's, give us an evening out, etc. This happened once a month after they moved and not since. If they've come to see us, it's been a quick visit in a day.

We've had a really difficult couple of years and especially the last few months. Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby. Myself and dh have mental/physical health problems. Both work.

My parents are 10 years older than dh's parents. They haven't been in good health either and although they would help out, I don't want to put that on them. Dh's parents are in good health and younger. They're financially comfortable. We will visit them in the summer but it's not somewhere we can go to regularly in our circumstances. Dc's are also too young to stay there without us and I don't think it will be a particularly child friendly house either.

I feel like they are full of false promises. Like coming for a few days to help us once a month. FIL said he'd decorate our dc's bedroom about a year ago. We didn't ask, he offered and said he'd do it several times but nothing ever came of it. We didn't follow this up with him, just got a decorator in to do it. They also said they'd give us £1000 to put towards a family car. Again, we didn't ask, it was genuinely and sincerely offered (I thought). A few weeks after that, we got a car, inlaws knew about it and didn't offer the £1000 they offered. We didn't say anything.

Dh and I have been at breaking point recently. The pressure of everything has been huge. It's got so bad for me personally that I'm struggling with self harm as well as other complex mental health problems. Plus trying to hold down a job and be a mum. Them moving away has been extremely difficult as they did see us every one or two weeks before that and it was nice to have that family contact.

It would massively help us if the inlaws would just commit to coming down once a month as they said originally. The problem is, they're not great with being asked for things. It's always on their terms when they fancy seeing their gc. So we feel awkward about asking but then again, if they don't know how we feel and how things actually are, nothing will change. But what if they just don't care?! Should we just keep quiet and not rock the boat? Dh is very hurt and angry about their blow hot blow cold, inconsistent behaviour towards us but has never said anything. Do we open this can of worm or keep the lid on?

You don’t need to phase them out, you just need to not expect them to come every month to look after your dc for a few days.

I do not mean to be rude op, but do you have some kind of diagnosis yourself just like your child? It’s just that you’ve had so many good suggestions, on this and other threads, but you can’t seem to see anyone elses side or follow any advice for more structure to your daily life.

But they didn’t.

They offered help. They have it for 9 months. Covid stopped that.

They then moved. It sounds like they are offering support. But then don’t arrange it’s if they offer to help paint, tell them the day you are doing it with plenty of notice.

life changed hugely for lots of people during covid and many people decided they wanted different things from their lives.

Your eldest, that they cared for has complex needs and it likely they struggled more than they let on and don’t feel comfortable telling you so.

They live further away and are building a life there. Of course that means less involvement in your life.

But moaning about what you get from them vs what you get, isn’t helping you at all. Forget the handwringing over them. Start working on a plan that will help the situation.

I suppose I'm wondering if we should or just phase them

You are swinging wildly between them being your only possible chance at childcare and it being worthwhile paying 3 nights in a hotel for OR cutting them off completely?!

Who looks after your children whilst you are at work currently?

What do you envisage 2/3 days of the grandparents visiting in a hotel to look like? Did you answer this, @MakeMineATea ? apologies if I missed it-I see you’ve replied to some posters.

I think you need to explain what you actually want them to do in a few days as it’s rather difficult to see where you are coming from?

Yabu op sorry. Forget about them ever helping you, they just won't. You need to concentrate on getting well yourself so you can cope.

Of course it's on their own terms when they see the GC. On whose terms do you think it should be?

I have two children with autism and it’s very hard to get any kind of traction even with support so I really do understand.

You would be better off looking for a regular childcare option who can help you weekly. A couple of days every two months won’t cut it. You need regular breaks.

In my experience people do the things they want to - your PIL don’t want to help and don’t want to visit more frequently. And you don’t want people looking after your children if they don’t want to.

My PIL say they want to help. So they do. Properly arranged regular days with the children, holiday care etc but with no expectation from us.

OP has posted repeatedly about the PIL moving away. PIL have significant caring responsibilities for one of their parents, who has moved with them (into nearby sheltered accommodation I think). OP's demands on her PIL's time always seemed unreasonable.

OP, you're asking a lot of them - I have two small NT children and I'm exhausted by the end of the weekend. An older couple, a child with SEN, it's not easy on them. I'm sure you're on your knees, but family isn't the answer here unfortunately. They have clearly moved away to enjoy their retirement and reduce the level of care they are providing to others.

My DM is the same, she retired young and healthy and offered to have DS 2 days a week. It never transpired. I never rely on her for anything now and accept that is who she is. She may feel remorse when she is no longer healthy and wants help to get shopping, etc but I won’t offer to assist her as she has the financial means to pay for help. I won’t feel an ounce of guilt about it either. Maybe have the same mindset and forewarn your DH that you will not provide support to them in their later years.

I think what has been especially hard is that they wanted us while it suited them and were happy to support but now it's swung the other way. It's false promises and tbh a lack of interest. My dh is often the one who rings them. It was his birthday a few days ago and his dad sent a message, no contact from his mum which I found strange seeing as she goes all put for dh's sister's birthdays.

I know they have it in them to be 'family' like but it feels so different now. I just think we need to adapt better to our situation.

It can just feel very isolating have such a small support network when the chips are down and the problems and pressures keep piling up.

Both?!

For instance, mil is coming back for the day this week to do some errands and see friends. She said she wants to see us too but ds will be at school, I have an appointment with dc2 then working in the evening. Dh working during the day. It's just not ideal, there's a lot going on that day. And I feel like she's just doing it for her, not thinking of us at all. And she's not coming to specifically see us, it's for orher reasons.

So it is on their terms

I wonder if your families additional needs, your child and both you and your husbands mental health has become too much for them,and that’s why they’ve slowly phased out, especially with a new baby in the mix.

I do agree you both need to adapt better to your situation, it’s just a really difficult time if you are both unwell , have a child with complex needs and now have another baby

they aren’t the answer op, and you seem to keep giving your own parents a pass. You need to go to the different authorities, the la, medical professionals, social services and start to put in place plans for proper ongoing support . You also need to look at what you can afford to start introducing a carer to your child to give you more space

honestly stop focusing on your in-laws . They are not the issue or the solution. You both need to start making plans for proper support.

But this is ok? Surely you can’t take issue with this. She’s allowed to do errands and see her friends as it suits her

Op your sense of entitlement to think you even have the right to bring this up with them is astounding. Why do you think you have the right over their time? You also have no space for them so you expect them to foot the bill to visit monthly? You only just suggested offering to pay now but did you just expect them to do this? They might find it quite hard to manage your older dc as well. As gps they don't owe you childcare and maybe they feel that's all you want from them because your posts do come across that way. You need to find reliable and proper childcare. If you are willing to spend 2-300 a month on them then you can find a babysitter.

But this is ok? Surely you can’t take issue with this. She’s allowed to do errands and see her friends as it suits her

Of course she is-and if Op & her husband are too buy to see her then they just need to let her know!

honestly stop focusing on your in-laws . They are not the issue or the solution. You both need to start making plans for proper support.

In a nutshell.

I think that you've got two things slightly jumbled up in your mind, which is understandable when there so much else going on.

1. Childcare and practical support.

1. Normal family stuff like remembering birthdays and sending cards etc

It seems like actually they aren't actually even doing the later, which when they were involved previously seems odd.

I think that you need to focus on the later. Invite them for lunch etc. If you want to.

And if they can't stay then it's particularly awkward. Eg in the situation you mention above. She's completely allowed to come and see friends. And you are busy that's fine.
If you could put her up then she could stay for dinner and see the children for breakfast. But you can't. So not sure what you want her to do.

And I know you feel alone but millions of people don't have a support network.

So it is on their terms

Yes, it will be. She’s visiting some friends and seeing you as well yet you still aren’t happy!

Are you going to answer my question about what you’d like this 2/3 day visit staying in a hotel to look like, @MakeMineATea ?

Well you would have been upset if she had come and not suggested seeing you while in the area. She can’t really win with this one.

Yet again, your MIL is free to do as she wishes! It isn't her problem that your ds will be at school, what do you want her to do? If you are coming across to them as you do here, maybe it's why they want to take a step back. They do not owe you childcare, you seem to have blurred the lines between childcare and being a grandparent. If you don't expect and challenge your own parents on this, then you don't have any right to do that to someone else's.

Always find it depressing reading the replies to these sorts of posts from people who think that once you have children you should never expect any help from anyone, ever.

My view is that YANBU to expect them to visit and help because they explicitly said they would. However, their behaviour since suggests they don't actually want to put in the effort.

If it were me I'd speak to my Dh - any dialogue about this really needs to come from him. He could give them one chance, explain how tough you are finding it all, reminding them they offered to come once a month, asking if that offer still stands and perhaps putting to them a specific date to maybe get things moving? If they say no or stall then you know where you stand, but (to give them the benefit of the doubt) they may have got caught up with pressures of moving etc. Give them one more chance, if they don't help after that you can't expect them to and you should seek paid babysitter etc to give yourselves a break.

Sorry you're in this situation. It's horrible when you don't get support from family that they SAY they will give. Actions speak louder than words.

Actually I do wonder whether have actively taken a step back because of your expectations and that they can't do what you want.

So they know that even if they visit for lunch or similar you won't be happy and thus they don't even bother with that.

Why on earth do they need to explain themselves. How is travelling from another part of the country, finding accommodation each time, caring for a child with needs which they may find difficult, and then expected to do this monthly something that doesn't sound appealing to them? They may have changed their mind which they are allowed to do. If op is willing to spend money on accommodation then she can find a babysitter!

YABU and should keep quiet. And I say that as someone who has never had a single hour of childcare from any family member since my 5-year-old was born.

Find a reliable babysitter is my advice.

If they live in a different part of the
country and you are refusing to let them stay in your house, the practical help they can give you is going to be pretty limited.