To say something to inlaws or keep quiet?

[MakeMineATea]

Dh's parents moved away last year to a different part of the country. When they told us they were going, they said they'd visit us once a month for a couple of days, help out with our young dc's, give us an evening out, etc. This happened once a month after they moved and not since. If they've come to see us, it's been a quick visit in a day.

We've had a really difficult couple of years and especially the last few months. Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby. Myself and dh have mental/physical health problems. Both work.

My parents are 10 years older than dh's parents. They haven't been in good health either and although they would help out, I don't want to put that on them. Dh's parents are in good health and younger. They're financially comfortable. We will visit them in the summer but it's not somewhere we can go to regularly in our circumstances. Dc's are also too young to stay there without us and I don't think it will be a particularly child friendly house either.

I feel like they are full of false promises. Like coming for a few days to help us once a month. FIL said he'd decorate our dc's bedroom about a year ago. We didn't ask, he offered and said he'd do it several times but nothing ever came of it. We didn't follow this up with him, just got a decorator in to do it. They also said they'd give us £1000 to put towards a family car. Again, we didn't ask, it was genuinely and sincerely offered (I thought). A few weeks after that, we got a car, inlaws knew about it and didn't offer the £1000 they offered. We didn't say anything.

Dh and I have been at breaking point recently. The pressure of everything has been huge. It's got so bad for me personally that I'm struggling with self harm as well as other complex mental health problems. Plus trying to hold down a job and be a mum. Them moving away has been extremely difficult as they did see us every one or two weeks before that and it was nice to have that family contact.

It would massively help us if the inlaws would just commit to coming down once a month as they said originally. The problem is, they're not great with being asked for things. It's always on their terms when they fancy seeing their gc. So we feel awkward about asking but then again, if they don't know how we feel and how things actually are, nothing will change. But what if they just don't care?! Should we just keep quiet and not rock the boat? Dh is very hurt and angry about their blow hot blow cold, inconsistent behaviour towards us but has never said anything. Do we open this can of worm or keep the lid on?

Get your DH to speak to his parents.

Don't rely on people who aren't reliable

Can your parents not help out at all? Even an afternoon a week can make a difference.

Any respite care available for your older DC? Are you receiving all the help you should? Is older DC in school or nursery?

Have a look at your local authority website to see what their "local offer" is for special needs. They should be offering short breaks and respite care.

Apply for DLA if you haven't already, and this could help pay for babysitters or anything else that might make life a bit easier.

What would you be expecting your in laws to do for the 2/3 days every other month? It sounds like they did it the once and couldn't face doing it again. Did you expect them to have sole charge of the children? It does sound a big ask. I know it's hard, I've got a disabled child myself and have never had any help whatsoever that we didn't have to pay for. Try to focus your mind on getting support from other sources and treat anything the in laws offer as an unexpected bonus.

How many kids do you have and how old?

I think you’d be best off paying Sitters for a baby sitter once a fortnight to give you a break than paying for in laws to sleep in a hotel.

I have a child that has autism. So I am not trying to be pessimistic, but you want help now in exchange for help when they are old. How do you know you will be in a position to be able to help when they are old or ill?

This will be something they took into conservation when they moved. Their care when they are older, is something they will have considered

Do they know you are mentally unwell and need their help? Do they know you are ill and struggling? Unless they are aware that you are mentally ill then their consciences might not realise how badly you need the help, if you are pretending everything is fine and not asking for help how are they supposed to recognise the support you need?

You need to be honest about your health issues if you want them to help or they might just be unaware, just as in the future if they were struggling when elderly but pretending to be fine you would be unaware and probably not be helping in any way.

That said, it isn’t their duty to sort out your childcare issues and it’s unfair to expect all of the help to come from them. How much help are your own parents offering? I appreciate not wanting to put too much on them but that doesn’t mean it’s reasonable to complain PILs do nothing whilst not expecting anything from your own.

I do understand that when everything is overwhelming and difficult it's easy to look for a magic bullet.

You seem to think that they are your magic bullet and if they help.out then everything will be OK.

But they aren't. So you just need to discount them from your thinking. And then come up with another solution.

If professionals ask if you have a support network or local family. You say no you don't. So what can they suggest to help. Is there home start in your area? Babysitters who specialises in special needs? Respite care etc?

Can you reduce work temporarily to take the burden off? Are there other things you can outsource?

Have you applied for PIP for yourself?

I’m sorry things are so tough op, and they shouldn’t offer and not follow through, but I also don’t feel you can make this request, it maybe they a,so find it difficult. As hard as that is

can you apply for respite care, or if your able to pay for a hotel 3 days every couple of months use that money to get a carer in to help you instead/?

I hear you OP. My eldest has additional needs and nearly everyone who said they’d ‘be there’ when my DH died has vanished without a trace. I’m not even after ‘help’ just a little company now and again.

Sending 💐

And on the specific point of help.when they are older.

Of course you won't be able provide regular support on the other side of the country whilst dealing with your own health problems, working and probably still caring for your child.

That's a complete straw man argument

That’s an odd thing to write. She’s not looking to host them for a couple of days, she wants them to come and provide childcare and for them to stay in a hotel.

They live in a different part of the country and you have a child with challenging additional needs. Realistically what help are you going to be able to give them on a daily basis!?

Op how old are your parents and what health issues do they have that prevents them providing any help at all?

what ages are the children and how old are his parents .

my own take is you’re desperate, but not thinking clearly, it’s not your in laws you need to come and take the reigns for you. You need to seek proper support, possibly respite care, a carer who comes in, and have a plan. Possibly social services can help you with this.

OP I understand how hard life is for you atm, as I have been there. My eldest is disabled, attends special school and has multiple diagnoses. I have physical health issues, autoimmune issues, and I'm autistic. My DH has ADHD and severe anxiety. My youngest is... none of these things but was still obviously a baby, toddler, preschooler with all the demands that come with.

And we have absolutely no family help. When DC1 was born we were promised all sorts, none of it came to fruition, and since his diagnoses it's never been talked about again.

YABU, unfortunately, to try and force these people to help you. They clearly don't want to. They don't get it. They probably never will. It's really fucking depressing but it's how it is.

My eldest hasn't seen his grandmother in over a year, and even then it was just for a couple of hours. She's so BUSY (going on multiple holidays and mini breaks). We've pretty much given up asking if she would like to visit as it's too awkward.

My family visit but provide no childcare. They come more often and my kids have a lovely relationship, but I can't leave my kids with them.

Give it time, it WILL improve. Try and get carers assessment from your LA. You could be entitled to respite.

They can see you're struggling, they maybe want to help, but the reality is just too much for them?

You need to obtain help elsewhere, easier said than done.

Goodness, OP, you sound 'entitled'. No wonder they moved away, perhaps they feared your expectations of childcare from them would grow and grow.

I’m also starting to think they escaped rather than moved to the other side of the country.

I think what they have offered to do is too much for them. Presumably they moved away for a reason and they are building a new life in their new location. These things take time and I think you should allow them that without threatening to not spend time with them when they get even older and frailer. They did their job when they raised your husband so in this give and take situation they have already given.

The kids are yours, you already had one disabled child, mental health issues and physical health issues in the family but you still went ahead and had more so you must have known that life was going to become much harder and counting on regular help from the older generation can never be a given, especially when there is special needs involved, it's just a bonus.

Now that they have moved away you need to create a support network where you live and you will most likely have to pay for it unless the council gives you free hours of care for your oldest.

I don’t think she sounds entitled. I think she sounds desperate. It’s likely it’s too much for the grandparents, and that’s why rhey aren’t doing it.

the op and her husband need to find a way to get help properly . To see if she can get respite care, or if they can afford a carer to come in once a month as to me it sounds like they need support and are close to breaking point.

I’m sorry that you are having such a hard time at the moment, it does sound like you are pinning your hopes on grandparent care being the answer to your payers though. Realistically how much easier would your life be even if they did come every month/ two months for a couple of days? I’m a very involved grandma, we live locally, but would I be prepared to travel then spend time in a hotel, at my own expense no less, to provide some challenging childcare (although I wouldn’t necessarily see it as childcare just getting to see my precious grandchildren and supporting my son and his family). Well I probably would but I can truly see why other grandparents wouldn’t. You need more help on a regular basis so you need to try and find a way to get that organised. Oh and them promising things and then backing out is horrible, I would ask them outright to follow through on what they promise, if they don’t then do so. The next time they offered anything I would be saying “ I think we all know that’s just not going to happen”.

@Daffodilsandbeer the hotel thing wasn't in the op, just saw that. Having now read it, it sounds to me like the hotel offer was to ease the ask of coming to visit, unless there's a reason you don't want them staying with you OP?

Either way I still don't think it's odd to proactively ask them to come, some people are just rubbish at organising or they might not realise you need help. Could always give more explanation like "we'd really appreciate the help, we've got a lot going on".

If you want to, yes. Nobody is obliged to help anyone else or give more than they wish simply because they’re family.

@Maggie178 that sounds tough.

No, unfortunately I don't have any siblings. Dh has a sister that lives even further away than the inlaws and they aren't very close.

I just don't know who else to ask.

Of course they realise they need help. They clearly see the grandkids and understand both parents have complex mental health issues

Someone said apply for a carers assessment to see if you can get respite care. I think either local authority or social services can help advise

@endoftheworldniteclub it's not their fault at all. It would just help us.

Thank you.