To say something to inlaws or keep quiet?

[MakeMineATea]

Dh's parents moved away last year to a different part of the country. When they told us they were going, they said they'd visit us once a month for a couple of days, help out with our young dc's, give us an evening out, etc. This happened once a month after they moved and not since. If they've come to see us, it's been a quick visit in a day.

We've had a really difficult couple of years and especially the last few months. Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby. Myself and dh have mental/physical health problems. Both work.

My parents are 10 years older than dh's parents. They haven't been in good health either and although they would help out, I don't want to put that on them. Dh's parents are in good health and younger. They're financially comfortable. We will visit them in the summer but it's not somewhere we can go to regularly in our circumstances. Dc's are also too young to stay there without us and I don't think it will be a particularly child friendly house either.

I feel like they are full of false promises. Like coming for a few days to help us once a month. FIL said he'd decorate our dc's bedroom about a year ago. We didn't ask, he offered and said he'd do it several times but nothing ever came of it. We didn't follow this up with him, just got a decorator in to do it. They also said they'd give us £1000 to put towards a family car. Again, we didn't ask, it was genuinely and sincerely offered (I thought). A few weeks after that, we got a car, inlaws knew about it and didn't offer the £1000 they offered. We didn't say anything.

Dh and I have been at breaking point recently. The pressure of everything has been huge. It's got so bad for me personally that I'm struggling with self harm as well as other complex mental health problems. Plus trying to hold down a job and be a mum. Them moving away has been extremely difficult as they did see us every one or two weeks before that and it was nice to have that family contact.

It would massively help us if the inlaws would just commit to coming down once a month as they said originally. The problem is, they're not great with being asked for things. It's always on their terms when they fancy seeing their gc. So we feel awkward about asking but then again, if they don't know how we feel and how things actually are, nothing will change. But what if they just don't care?! Should we just keep quiet and not rock the boat? Dh is very hurt and angry about their blow hot blow cold, inconsistent behaviour towards us but has never said anything. Do we open this can of worm or keep the lid on?

I will post where I like. I will pull people up when I think they are wrong. I don’t agree with reverse posts. They muddy the waters.
At the end of the day OP is looking for free childcare and moaning about not getting any. In her other posts she describes them as lovely people. Their only crime is moving away. Hardly the same as a decade old prob with your pil.

Thank you @ThomasinVye that's really useful advice. I'll look into this.

So from what I can gather

Pil did do childcare, for the oldest who has very complex needs and then covid hit. Then they decided to move.

They also provide care for an elderly relative. So are spending a lot of time caring.

Its also entirely possible that the move was, in part, due to Ops (and her dhs) expectation of a lot of childcare was too much, along with caring for elderly relative and probably haven’t felt able to say that. Perhaps because Op (and dh) wouldn’t take it well at all.

They do offer other support and don’t follow through or nobody gets back to them and says ‘oh we are painting the bedroom on 28th. Can you still help?’ But that’s not been clarified.

Combine this with Op and her dh working full time, so using childcare whilst insisting they could possibly find childcare that suits. Also claims the childcare must be the grandparents so it’s familiar, but also say the grandparents aren’t involved and only visit for a few hours every so often. So aren’t familiar at all. But again, op won’t clarify.

Ops parents are far too sick and old in their 60s to provide any support at all. But that’s ok. So even more expectation has been put put on the pils.

It really does sound like the GP have taken a stepped back because of all the obligation.

I am also going to guess that the GP have a very different pov. Because even from Ops own point of view, she is coming across as unreasonable.

Nailed it.

The fact that you can’t accommodate them in your house is quite a significant factor!

You say you would pay for a hotel…but do they know this?

Can I asks to the posters who have asked what it is you actually want them to do ?

Come to the house and look after your children? For how long ? All day ?

I'm 58 and still working FT - when I retire I want, for the first time in my life, to please myself .. to do what I want, to take up hobbies, do voluntary work for a charity I support. Spend time with my friends, do stuff that needs doing in my home ..
Now I don't have grandchildren yet, but we ours I want to go away every 4th week ( thereby missing all my regular activities), stay in a hotel, and come to your house to look after your kids ? Probably not ...

OP I'd just be honest with them. I'd just say you said you were going to come once a month, we appreciate you may now be finding that's too hard but just keen to know where we stand. We'd be happy to fund a hotel once a month or every couple of months if it's money stopping you travelling. And then tell them you're keen to know because you'd value the additional support as you're struggling, and it's a good boost to know they'll be coming. And tell them you miss them etc etc. I do agree with others though that you should chase them on their promises as they may just think 'oh, they didn't want the money for the car then' if you don't remind them they offered. Again I'd just be honest and say 'we are about to buy a car, you offered us some money towards it, just wanted to check if you still wanted to do that and if so what you wanted to do in terms of paying'. More widely I totally empathise with the feeling like you're struggling on alone and have no support network. I'd just try to draw strength from the fact that you have your DH there and he has you - life may still be very tough but that relationship will mean things are easier than they could be. Could your DS perhaps go on a play date with another friend with special needs (so the parents are familiar with how to cope) and you take it in turns to have both kids on your own sometimes, to give a bit of respite?

Also I'd definitely ask your parents for help - even if it's literally a couple of hours to give you a break, so it's not so overwhelming for them. Sometimes even just two hours to go for lunch or have a bath or whatever can make a world of difference for your mental health I find. And I'm sure they'd love to see your DC. Or they could have older DC whilst you have the baby/the baby goes to evening nursery.