To say something to inlaws or keep quiet?

[MakeMineATea]

Dh's parents moved away last year to a different part of the country. When they told us they were going, they said they'd visit us once a month for a couple of days, help out with our young dc's, give us an evening out, etc. This happened once a month after they moved and not since. If they've come to see us, it's been a quick visit in a day.

We've had a really difficult couple of years and especially the last few months. Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby. Myself and dh have mental/physical health problems. Both work.

My parents are 10 years older than dh's parents. They haven't been in good health either and although they would help out, I don't want to put that on them. Dh's parents are in good health and younger. They're financially comfortable. We will visit them in the summer but it's not somewhere we can go to regularly in our circumstances. Dc's are also too young to stay there without us and I don't think it will be a particularly child friendly house either.

I feel like they are full of false promises. Like coming for a few days to help us once a month. FIL said he'd decorate our dc's bedroom about a year ago. We didn't ask, he offered and said he'd do it several times but nothing ever came of it. We didn't follow this up with him, just got a decorator in to do it. They also said they'd give us £1000 to put towards a family car. Again, we didn't ask, it was genuinely and sincerely offered (I thought). A few weeks after that, we got a car, inlaws knew about it and didn't offer the £1000 they offered. We didn't say anything.

Dh and I have been at breaking point recently. The pressure of everything has been huge. It's got so bad for me personally that I'm struggling with self harm as well as other complex mental health problems. Plus trying to hold down a job and be a mum. Them moving away has been extremely difficult as they did see us every one or two weeks before that and it was nice to have that family contact.

It would massively help us if the inlaws would just commit to coming down once a month as they said originally. The problem is, they're not great with being asked for things. It's always on their terms when they fancy seeing their gc. So we feel awkward about asking but then again, if they don't know how we feel and how things actually are, nothing will change. But what if they just don't care?! Should we just keep quiet and not rock the boat? Dh is very hurt and angry about their blow hot blow cold, inconsistent behaviour towards us but has never said anything. Do we open this can of worm or keep the lid on?

Gosh I think you are so wrong, OP

If the Grandparents wanted to help, they would

They don't want to help , perhaps they find the childrens' needs too challenging?

Don't put the grandparents in a difficult position by asking

Find other help, which you can build up over time so that the children are happy with it

OP, why do have to ask family or others for help? Why are you not paying for childcare when you need help? Get a cleaner, get a babysitter. You need to sort your problems out, there are 2 of you. That what most people do. Not all of us have families around. Your kids might be a handful and too young for the grandparents to help or maybe they find it tiring.

The issue isn’t them helping out (that’s their decision) but making false promises and setting you up to be disappointed.

Honestly I would assume you aren’t getting any help from them from now on. Like a PP said are you getting DLA? You could use that money getting support.

With my parents We just ask about a certain date and if they are free to babysit and we keep it to about once a month so not to take advantage. Is this what you do and they say no? Surely you could give them your bed for the night and spend the hotel money on you and DH staying away for the night- do you have friends you could stay with? Or surely you could invest in a decent blow up bed for yourselves to sleep in the living room?

I think it is easier said than done, finding childcare for a child with additional needs outside of an education setting. Ds is only 4 and has autism, adhd and spd. He needs familiarity. If we could find someone who understands him, that would be great but maybe not a straightforward task as some people have suggested.

Have you got respite care, high needs should qualify. Local charities (I'm autistic) I volunteer looking after autistic or special needs kids a few hrs a week (ymca and children's society are the 2 charities I've volunteered with) for both respite and activities the kids enjoy

Don't depend on your inlaws you need form arrangements or paid childminding etc for reliability

Yes but equally that’s perhaps why they don’t want to help.

Your kids are not their responsibility and there should be absolutely no expectation on them.

It's not really surprising they're not coming down for a few days every month if they can't stay at yours. That would be pretty expensive for them, especially with fuel and hotel prices having gone up.

Have you had a care assessment by social services? It sounds as if you definitely meet the legal criteria for one. You could then talk to them about respite care and short breaks.

YABU. They have their own lives & if they wanted to visit more, they would. Perhaps they find your DC with Additional needs hard work. You need to find other ways of managing. You can’t rely on them anyway, they may develop their own health problems.

unless there's a reason you don't want them staying with you OP?

The OP says there’s no room for them to stay.

I think that the grandparents knowing about the autism/ADHD might make you feel better about them being the ones to provide childcare, but it could be that’s just too overwhelming for them-especially if you have a baby and possibly another child as well (you talk about eldest and youngest, suggesting there might be others?).

I don’t think them coming to stay in a hotel every month or two to give you a break is a terribly practical. Could your mum come alone if she’s more local and stay at your house and give you some company/support?

You accept this is a really big ask, but still think the grandparents should be doing it? I think you need to count them out for childcare-it clearly is too much for them.

@Teatime55 I think you're absolutely right about the false promises. It's really horrible tbh. When our eldest was born nearly 5 years ago, they were offering things all the time. I remember my FIL (who took early retirement at the time) said whenever you want to go back to work, we'll have ds. We never expected that or asked, it was offered. Lasted about 9 months before covid struck then things changed.

They absolutely should only do what they want but the inconsistency has been hard. It really was 'all or nothing'.

And they have never said that ds is too much for them. In fact they always play it down and make out there's nothing wrong when there very clearly is!

I totally get that you can't just "find a babysitter" due to your child's special needs and that is a really tough situation to be in - I really feel for you.

Your in-laws sound tricky! However, I would do as a PP suggested, contact them to ask if they could come down to you eg sometime this month. Maybe give them a couple of dates to choose from if it helps to tie them down! If they don't want to then you will soon find out! But you won't be any worse off than you are now.

I was surprised that you said you have no room for them to stay with you. What are you envisioning if they stay for a night or two? What did they used to do? I wouldn't offer to pay for their hotel unless they are strapped for cash as you are probably poorer than them!

REgarding things like the £1000 for the car well good grief that is awful and I think you are being way too passive here. If they ever said anything like that again, I really don't think you should be so slow in coming forward. When you found the car you wanted, I would have phoned them to say, we've found the car we woudl like, are you still happy to give the £1000 you offered, because we need to know before we buy it. Next time be more proactive.

Lastly, do you have any colleges/universities around you who have students working in healthcare/ special needs etc, and who might have a student who could get to know your son and babysit long term?

No one is saying that it will be easy to find childcare. Or straightforward.

But what everyone is saying is that they are going to have to try.

Your only option is to pay for help.

That may be complicated, it may take ages to get the right person, but it is your only option.

TA at a special school might be able to help in holidays and weekends.

@MakeMineATea If you paid for the in laws to stay in a hotel for 3 days, what do you think those days would look like? What would you want to happen?

Seeking out help is a good idea. Demanding it, on the basis of 'being family', isn't. I'm not as unsympathetic as I sound, but some of my concern is for the grandparents, as well as the mother and children.

@Chamomileteaplease yes the car thing wasn't great. Fortunately we had the money for what we chose and didn't rely on their offer being part of the purchase.

Strangely enough though, we had a car accident 2 weeks ago and the car (we'd only had for 8 months) was written off by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Inlaws found out about the car accident through another family member but didn't message or call to ask if we were OK. We were all fine but had the stress of getting another car, waiting for the insurance to pay out and we had to make up the difference as no gap insurance. We're not talking about anything brand new or expensive. But had to use £2000 to make up the difference. Inlaws knew this and would have been nice to have gone back to their original offer.

When they offered the help had you had the baby, or was it for one child? I'd ask for help one final time. If money is offered ask when it's going into your bank. Call out the false promises. But they might not be able to manage your eldest and you have to respect that. I've been a hands on Nan and I've been honest with my DD and said I won't be doing it with another because tbh, I question her having her youngest and it's unfair on everyone she expects help from. It will get a bit easier for you once they are older.

I think they really want to help but actually don't feel capable so they make rash promises without thinking it through and panic afterwards hoping you'll forget

Only managed to read half of your post and I would say this: how dare you expect your PILs to do things for you and your family? They have raised their family already and you can not demand they help you to raise yours. Your DCs- your problem.
Who is to say that PILs did not move away from you to have quieter life?

I wouldn't say anything just now, but next time they make a similar promise look them straight in the eye and say something like "But we all know you won't, so why say you will? You promised to come down every month, you haven't. You promised money towards car but didn't give us any. Please stop making promises you have no intention of keeping, it's unhelpful."

Do you really think that your parents wouldn't be capable of helping?

You say that they would help but you won't let them?

But you haven’t asked for help.

They’ve offered a few things and it looks like you haven’t explicitly accepted or asked them to do it, so they’ve just forgotten or the offer has kind of lapsed.

Have you asked about the £1000? Have you phoned, thanked FIL for offering to decorate and asked him for a date for the diary?

To be fair if they kept offering but you were sat back expecting them to set a date and announce their arrival, they would be subject of a ‘pushy in law’ thread. They offer, you accept and arrange specifics. Has this happened?

Hi FIL! Does your offer of £1000 towards a new car still stand? If so now would be more than perfect! If not, obviously that is absolutely fine - just thought I’d check.