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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is bats**t crazy? Don’t know what to do

334 replies

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 09:28

My DS is 14 and in year 9, his girlfriend from school is 13 and in year 8, they were born in the same year (2009) and there is 7 months age gap between them. She is also FAR more mature than my son, because she’s a girl!

apparently if now you go out with someone in the year below you are a none and pe*o and every other foul name under the son.

my lad is getting the most vile abuse at school but I don’t even know what to do because it’s everyone, in every year group and it’s constant, being shouted at in corridors, voice messages to his phone saying he’s weird and should be locked up, people approaching him at school and saying what he is doing is wrong.

I checked with other kids in other schools and it’s true there too?!?!? When the hell did this happen? When I was at school girls went out with boys in the year above!

Ive spoken to my lad about what he wants to do because he can’t stand the bullying, he’s gone from being really popular to a total pariah in 3 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 11:31

Ponoka7 · 05/03/2023 11:27

There's a cross over in law between 13 and 14. It's the fact that she is 13. If you contact the school the school will advise for them to stop seeing each other. I know that traditionally girls date the older lads, because girls are branded as more mature, but we now know emotionally they aren't and 13 year olds are vulnerable. Girls are more vocal and empathetic, that doesn't mean that they are more mature. If he was 15 and her 14 then he wouldn't be getting stick. It's actually good that both sexes are recognising the potential for exploitation. Don't build their relationship into something it isn't. They are kids. They could break things off until she is 14. Really they should just be mates with the odd kiss and not declaring themselves in a relationship.

My son has been 14 for a week, has that taken him from being vulnerable to not vulnerable and a predator?

I agree they should break things off, but that’s because I want my son to be happy at school. It seems a shame that he has to end a great friendship “mum it’s so great we are boyfriend and girlfriend but we get on just like best friends”.

OP posts:
OriGanOver · 05/03/2023 11:33

I agree it's two issues.

I doubt your son will stop being bullied until he breaks up with her.

I'm glad attitudes have changed between age gap relationships in teenage years even if they aren't being very nice to your son about it.

Why don't you speak to him about why it's not good to be with a younger girl and encourage him to find a gf in the same year as him.

Original poster
Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 11:34

I see more sexualised language being used

“he could t keep his hands of a 13 year old”

that sentence is so charged, if it was said in a stand alone way what would your impression be? An older man possibly an adult abusing a young girl.

does it bring up images of a boy who is also 13 holding hands and hanging around listening to music with that girl?

he turned 14 last week, in September the girl will be 14

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 05/03/2023 11:34

It is a bit ridiculous for a year 8 to be dating. If they aren’t doing anything sexual then maybe it should have been framed as friendship. If they are then urgh

HedwigIsMyDemon · 05/03/2023 11:35

@Twiglets1 how old are your kids?? 😄

My DS had his first “girlfriend” in Y6, get used to it 😄

Mariposista · 05/03/2023 11:36

Poor lad. Surely in every couple someone has to be older than the other!!!
Blimey my grandparents had a 9 year age difference. They would have celebrated their diamond wedding last year if they were both still here!

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:40

Poor lad. Surely in every couple someone has to be older than the other!!!
Blimey my grandparents had a 9 year age difference. They would have celebrated their diamond wedding last year if they were both still here!

There’s a big difference between a 9 year gap over the age of 20 and one when you’re a child.

A 10 year old and 19 year old would be completely wrong.

In OP’s situation it’s fine but I understand why some young people would find dating someone younger wrong and it’s good to know they understand these things but there’s absolutely no need for the bullying etc.

Twiglets1 · 05/03/2023 11:41

HedwigIsMyDemon · 05/03/2023 11:35

@Twiglets1 how old are your kids?? 😄

My DS had his first “girlfriend” in Y6, get used to it 😄

I work in a school but these sort of relationships are either silly or the pupils are in fact doing sexual stuff and the parents don’t know

Original poster
Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 11:48

Twiglets1 · 05/03/2023 11:41

I work in a school but these sort of relationships are either silly or the pupils are in fact doing sexual stuff and the parents don’t know

Show quote history

Are those really the only 2 options?

is there no scope or option for 2 kids to be great friends and take things at an age appropriate and sensible pace? To hold hands and feel like boyfriend and girlfriend and it not be sexual?

OP posts:
MySugarBabyLove · 05/03/2023 11:51

I would be questioning whether there’s more to this that you don’t know.

It’s one thing some kids calling your son a pedo etc, but you say the whole school are doing it? He’s getting screaming voicemails and texts and even calls from kids in other schools? They know something you don’t.

Personally I have no issue with a 7 month age gap. All my bf’s were older than me at school and nobody batted an eyelid, in fact it was far more common for younger girls to date older boys than not.

But everyone knew who the kids were who were having sex, and although we didn’t pick on any of them, they thought they were discrete when actually they weren’t.

MumOf2workOptions · 05/03/2023 11:52

When I was at school we always "went out" with older boys and that was the thing and the boys in our year tended to go out with younger girls it's just how it was!

Original poster
Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 11:54

MySugarBabyLove · 05/03/2023 11:51

I would be questioning whether there’s more to this that you don’t know.

It’s one thing some kids calling your son a pedo etc, but you say the whole school are doing it? He’s getting screaming voicemails and texts and even calls from kids in other schools? They know something you don’t.

Personally I have no issue with a 7 month age gap. All my bf’s were older than me at school and nobody batted an eyelid, in fact it was far more common for younger girls to date older boys than not.

But everyone knew who the kids were who were having sex, and although we didn’t pick on any of them, they thought they were discrete when actually they weren’t.

Half the voicemails happened the day after they got together. Yes I absolutely know it’s nothing I don’t know. He was very very worried about going out with her at all because he knew he would get this.

I didn’t say screaming voicemails, I said voice notes and I heard them mainly from girls in his year and year 8 saying “I’m sorry we don’t care that you’re 13 and she’s 13 it’s weird and you’re a nonce you should be in prison”

things like that

OP posts:
Original poster
Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 11:56

MySugarBabyLove · 05/03/2023 11:51

I would be questioning whether there’s more to this that you don’t know.

It’s one thing some kids calling your son a pedo etc, but you say the whole school are doing it? He’s getting screaming voicemails and texts and even calls from kids in other schools? They know something you don’t.

Personally I have no issue with a 7 month age gap. All my bf’s were older than me at school and nobody batted an eyelid, in fact it was far more common for younger girls to date older boys than not.

But everyone knew who the kids were who were having sex, and although we didn’t pick on any of them, they thought they were discrete when actually they weren’t.

Also the whole school say it’s wrong, and not just his school, all the schools, it’s now an ingrained thing which I had no idea about as it was the norm when I was at school for girls to go out with boys in the year above.
He gets things like people walking past that he doesn’t know coughing but saying PEADO as they cough, all that underhand shit.

OP posts:
Purplebunnie · 05/03/2023 12:07

BellePeppa · 05/03/2023 10:40

I was going out with a 21 yr old when I was 18 there wasn’t anything weird about it all.

Show quote history

I went out with a 21 yr old when I was 16 - nothing weird about it. He was a perfect gentleman far better behaved than other boyfriends I'd had

LikeTearsInRain · 05/03/2023 12:08

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 10:08

Was it noncey though? Or are you saying it was considered, obviously wrongly, noncey by the year group?

I mean noncey is an adult human being sexually attracted to children isn’t it? Not a 16 year old dating a 15 year old!

apologies if I sound touchy about it, it’s just making me feel so angry the whole thing and helpless, it’s such a stupid stupid attitude

Show quote history

He was year 13 so 17 or 18, a house captain, dating a 15 year old, soon to be 16. Below the age of consent.

2babies93 · 05/03/2023 12:09

@Puddingypops

Just some legal advice. Not a lawyer, but have a lot of experience in law and child safeguarding.

They are both under 16 and over 13. Therefore, legally they are in the clear. Morally they are too young for "..." but that's up to you and the girls parents. Should this relationship continue, you son needs to be careful when the turns 16, until she is also 16, if they decided to "..." he would technically be comitting statatory r*pe. Very unlikely to get prosecuted, but he could. Please keep this in mind.

As others have said, this is bullying the the school need to help sort it. Hope you get some results, keep mumsnet updated!

HedwigIsMyDemon · 05/03/2023 12:13

@MySugarBabyLove this is how teens think how - my two aren’t even in a relationship at the moment but if there’s any mention of kids in different year groups being interested in them they’re horrified! It’s truly fucking weird!

I’ve no idea how this nonsense took hold - or how to stop it.

HedwigIsMyDemon · 05/03/2023 12:14

@Twiglets1 of course it’s nonsense in Y6 - nonsense to us at least! It’s not nonsense to them though - they took it very seriously for all of the 8 weeks they were together 😄.

NevieSticks · 05/03/2023 12:16

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 10:42

You seem very black and white in your thinking.

DS is not in the position of power, the other way round, GF has 2 older siblings, DS is an only child quiet and sheltered, she has tried drinking, he will not, she has tried a vape, he has not.

Being a year ahead in the education system does not mean being a year ahead in life experiences, maturity, or anything else.

you seem to be supportive of the nonce view which is baffling to me

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You see I would not describe a 13 year old as mature if she is vaping and drinking so you have lost me there. Also it may be normal in your son's school for them all to be paired up but I wouldn't say that is the norm at that age. It tends to be more bigger groups of friends that all hang out together.

Pd05 · 05/03/2023 12:20

I'm only 18 so wasn't in school that long ago and this wouldn't be seen as weird at all?? I'm even dating a boy who would be a school year younger than me, we're 10 months apart and literally none of my friends think it's weird in any way. Obviously it's the opposite as in my situation the boy is younger but if the problem is the age difference then that shouldn't make a difference ?

Twiglets1 · 05/03/2023 12:20

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 11:48

Are those really the only 2 options?

is there no scope or option for 2 kids to be great friends and take things at an age appropriate and sensible pace? To hold hands and feel like boyfriend and girlfriend and it not be sexual?

Show quote history

I mean, where 2 people fancy each other they do tend to want to do more than hold hands after a short time. And if they don't really fancy each other (which is sometimes the case with these immature Year 8 relationships) why bother with the label, especially as it's causing so much trouble.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 05/03/2023 12:26

PaigeMatthews · 05/03/2023 10:32

I would not be happy at all about my yr 8 dd ‘dating‘ a year 9 boy. It doesnt matter how much the age difference is when they are out of the school system, in the school system he is a year ahead.

you just cannot justify age gaps in school in the same way you would the world beyond that. Even one week end of august to the beginning of september still means they older is a year ahead, not a week older.

sixth formers dating 15 year olds is a problem due to the age of consent. If it is a sexual relationship it is a problem.

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So by your reasoning a 15 year old could date a 16 year old if they are in the same year at school? It would be better for a 16 year old September born in year 11 to date a 15 year old August born who is also in year 11 than a 15 year old September born who is in year 10 to date a 15 year old august born who is in year 11? Or do they have to be born on the same day for it to be ok?

OrchidOrchard · 05/03/2023 12:27

@Puddingypops sorry if this has already been said but report the online stuff to 101, it’s malicious communication.

I work in secondary and the kids use terms like pedo and nonce all of the time. Using it to a staff member will result in a suspension.

issues around peers can be tricky as they don’t want to snitch for fear of making things worse. As a PP said, sometimes you have to take the decision out of the hands of 14 year olds otherwise you are effectively saying you allow it

Original poster
Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 12:32

NevieSticks · 05/03/2023 12:16

You see I would not describe a 13 year old as mature if she is vaping and drinking so you have lost me there. Also it may be normal in your son's school for them all to be paired up but I wouldn't say that is the norm at that age. It tends to be more bigger groups of friends that all hang out together.

Show quote history

That’s a really fair point about the vaping etc x

OP posts:
SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 05/03/2023 12:36

How ridiculous. Schools really need to get a grip on bullying in general. There should be absolute zero tolerance for it with suspensions and, the second time, expulsion. Depressing that it is still allowed to go on.