To think this is bats**t crazy? Don’t know what to do

[Puddingypops]

My DS is 14 and in year 9, his girlfriend from school is 13 and in year 8, they were born in the same year (2009) and there is 7 months age gap between them. She is also FAR more mature than my son, because she’s a girl!

apparently if now you go out with someone in the year below you are a none and pe*o and every other foul name under the son.

my lad is getting the most vile abuse at school but I don’t even know what to do because it’s everyone, in every year group and it’s constant, being shouted at in corridors, voice messages to his phone saying he’s weird and should be locked up, people approaching him at school and saying what he is doing is wrong.

I checked with other kids in other schools and it’s true there too?!?!? When the hell did this happen? When I was at school girls went out with boys in the year above!

Ive spoken to my lad about what he wants to do because he can’t stand the bullying, he’s gone from being really popular to a total pariah in 3 months.

Teens can be so vile. This is awful for him but just a joke that everyone is in on to them. Agree that school need to get on this very quickly.

I was going out with a 21 yr old when I was 18 there wasn’t anything weird about it all.

You seem very black and white in your thinking.

DS is not in the position of power, the other way round, GF has 2 older siblings, DS is an only child quiet and sheltered, she has tried drinking, he will not, she has tried a vape, he has not.

Being a year ahead in the education system does not mean being a year ahead in life experiences, maturity, or anything else.

you seem to be supportive of the nonce view which is baffling to me

There’s nothing weird about this op. It’s just kids knowing or thinking they know so much more about inappropriate relationships, which this is not.

Neither would I. My dd is year 8, only 12 yo and all of her friends just seem still very childlike. There's a big difference in social maturity between the year groups at that age. It's nowhere near comparable to an 18 and 21 year old dating

Funnily enough I was talking about this to my year 9 DD the other day, as one of the girls in her year is going out with a Y10 boy. I don‘t think they[re subjected to the abuse your DS is, but my DD did say she thought it was "weird". I tried to explain that there could be a 1 day age difference between a Y9 and 10, or potentially a 364 day age difference between two Y9s, and although she understood what I was saying, "people" at school have decided it‘s weird, therefore that is what goes. I would say though, no one is calling the boy a paedo or nonce, I think "weird" is as bad as it gets, so it really does sound like it depends on where you are.

But unfortunately, teenagers don‘t like to be a lone voice. It‘s much easier for them to go along with the majority, even if deep down it makes no sense. Also, their sense of reasoning isn‘t always very attuned, which is why they often get on their high horses about things and see things in black and white.

I don‘t know what the solution is, other than talking to the school, or even moving schools, not that he should have to.

This would not have been ok in my school when I was younger or the schools that I’ve worked at as an adult.

The majority of students are different between year groups.

We actually had a year 7 dating a year 11 and her parents rightly so called the police.
There was only 3 years between them and she was way more mature than him (SEN) but it was still unacceptable.

In this situation they are much closer in age and it sounds like there is a good pier balance and they’re both similar emotionally but I get why others would find it odd.

A year 7 going out with a year 6 would be the same.

However, there is absolutely no need for the bullying and unfortunately a lot of students will just join in.

You need to speak to the school and tell them how bad it is.

It is awful when you’re being bullied by a few people but the entire school must feel absolutely horrible.
Its also going to make his friends abandon him as they’ll start to get bullied to or be persuaded that it’s not ok.

Talk to the head and head of year.
Tell them that it needs to stop.
I would personally ask them to talk about it during tutor time whilst he’s not there and they need to tell them that any mention of it is going to be punished.

Once the school is taking it seriously then HE needs to make sure he is reporting everything!
He needs to also save messages and write small things down that happen so he has the proof.

It may also be worth them pretending to have separated just to stop people being offended and finding reasons to bully them.

It is definitely batshit.
Talk to the school, but also ensures he knows there is NOTHING inappropriate about this relationship, and anyone who thinks there is is illogical and ridiculous.

I think the younger generation have become very acutely aware of age gaps even with older adults! Maybe because of the media? There was a trend on TikTok recently which showed parents with their birth years along with their children, and I noticed regularly that the comments would be from disgusted teenagers when an older couple were even 5 years apart in their 40s! It’s become a “thing”.

Of course there is nothing wrong with your DS dating a girl 1 year younger than him.

What is wrong is the level of bullying he has to endure. School needs to get a grip of it.

This is awful and shocking to me, it was completely normal in our school to date a year or even two above, I accept things will have changed since then but I am only late twenties so not a lifetime ago.

My first proper boyfriend was year 9 when I was year 8, no one batted an eyelid and many others were in same position. My family and friends met and liked him and no one thought anything of the few months between us.

I am so sorry you're going through this :(

Yes understandable and my DS wouldn’t want to go out with a 12 year old, but what you’re comparing is not the same situation at all, the kids were born in the same year, there is 7 months between them DS has literally just turned 14, they were both 13 when started dating. She turns 14 in a few months (September)

I don’t support the bullying but no one should be dating until they’re out of full time education full stop in my opinion

I can't believe you haven't been in to the head of year already to address this tbh. They are usually very good at nipping things like this in the bud. You can't just let the bullying continue indefinitely

Lol, do you have teenagers yet?

They are not in the same academic year, so, regardless of their actual ages, he is a year older academically.

you also seem to be putting a lot of focus on how mature this girl is. That really does not sit right with me at all.

It sounds like you are saying they are in an actual relationship? Bit young if she is yr8! Even yr9 it's more like friends who hold hands. I do think it's inappropriate and I teach pshe in secondary. Yr8 and yr9 are miles apart. Actual birth age is irrelevant as are siblings. They have always been a school year apart.

But what does "a year older academically" mean in real terms? That he knows more maths that she does?

It doesn‘t really have any relevance on a practical level. Her maturity level is far more important that how much more advanced he is academically (and to be honest, he could be rubbish at school and she could be a genuis!).

'It is weird. Even my very bright very sensible late teen thinks someone of 21 going out with an 18 year old is creepy and unacceptable!'

I have to say, I agree with your teen.
That's a gap of 3, potentially 5, years.

Very different to 7 months.

The school can manage it (I'm a secondary teacher) without it being obvious. They will say teachers have witnessed several incidences of these words being used and that anyone who uses them will be sanctioned. They can educate them on the severity of using those words and how insulting it is to actually victims of abuse - the vast majority will listen and stop (they will just be sheep) and the key players will be easier to catch. They don't need to give details or make it look like someone has 'snitched' etc. Talk to them - he will thank you in the long run. How is she dealing with it? Good for them for staying together despite all the nonsense! ☺️ It will blow over - something more interesting will come along - but could be quite damaging even for a short time.
Xx

Had similar at DGSs school a few months ago. A boy in year 12 who was 16 was seeing a girl in year 11, again just a few months difference in age. DGS was telling me about the abuse the boy was getting and that a group had been in an online group abusing him and he ended up in tears.

I advised GS to speak to the other boys and warn them if they drove this lad to doing something drastic, I was worried about a suicide attempt so maybe I was being dramatic, they had better be careful as his online stuff would be looked at and anyone involved would be in big trouble. They all agreed they'd had their "fun" and it stopped.

Kids just don't realise that there can be really serious consequences for this sort of thing. I hope you get something sorted.

There would also be in the same year if the school year was Jan to Jan so 🤷 It's all a massive concept anyway!

No of course it doesn't mean academic ability. It means life experience. He is a full year ahead at school.

Im now more concerned by the amount of people talking about the maturity levels of a 13 year old girl as a way of justifying age gaps. That is something you need to think right through.

They hold hands, it’s not physical, they hang out together and go to Costa and listen to music, think back to school did you not have your first kiss or play at boyfriend and girlfriend at that age? Regardless of the status of the “relationship” in real terms to us, teenagers feel it’s a real relationship.

as a teacher your views are concerning and perhaps you’re a part of the problem, you believe 2 kids at 13 cannot “go out with each other” that it’s inappropriate? Get real.

You're dead right op, it's absolutely outrageous. It seems to be part of a general hysteria about sex. Of COURSE it is ridiculous to think of things like nonce with a 6 month age gap. It's utter crap.
I really feel for your son. It sounds like he's in a very difficult situation. I think I'd pretend to break it off for a while and see if the mob move on. But sadly, it'll never be the way it was.