Page 2 | To think this is bats**t crazy? Don’t know what to do

Puddingypops · 2023-03-05T09:28:02+00:00

My DS is 14 and in year 9, his girlfriend from school is 13 and in year 8, they were born in the same year (2009) and there is 7 months age gap between them. She is also FAR more mature than my son, because she’s a girl! apparently if now you go out with someone in the year below you are a non*e and pe**o and every other foul name under the son. my lad is getting the most vile abuse at school but I don’t even know what to do because it’s everyone, in every year group and it’s constant, being shouted at in corridors, voice messages to his phone saying he’s weird and should be locked up, people approaching him at school and saying what he is doing is wrong. I checked with other kids in other schools and it’s true there too?!?!? When the hell did this happen? When I was at school girls went out with boys in the year above! Ive spoken to my lad about what he wants to do because he can’t stand the bullying, he’s gone from being really popular to a total pariah in 3 months.

Original poster

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 09:51

Isn’t it just the strangest thing? Such a massive change from our time at school.

I said to DS that within a few years every single one of them is going to be a hypocrite because they will all go out with people older/younger

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VioletCharlotte · 05/03/2023 09:52

When I was at school , it was normal to go out with boys a year or two years above. It was unusual to date boys in your own year, as they were generally pretty immature.

This does seem to have changed though, both my DS seem to think you shouldn't date someone in the year below.

LikeTearsInRain · 05/03/2023 09:59

My school had similar views 15 years ago. Dating across year groups was very rare. To be fair we did at one point have sixth formers dating 15, not yet 16 year old, year 11s so that was definitely a bit noncey

FfeminyddCymraeg · 05/03/2023 10:00

Your poor son 😔

My DD is Yr10 and I’ve not heard of this being a thing - most girls go out with the boys a year ahead of them. It was the same when I was in high school.

I’d definitely speak to the school.

CalistoNoSolo · 05/03/2023 10:03

It's not a thing in DD's school either, so no, it's not normal at every school.

HairyPooter · 05/03/2023 10:06

Your poor son.

I would tell school. Take screenshots and names of those contacting him.

Lock down his phone too. Come off anything like Snapchat so randomers can't get access to him. Strictly his close friends and family only. WhatsApp allows you to block unknown numbers.

My DS is a similar age and he likes a girl in the year below and is going to ask her out soon. He's waiting until after her birthday because at the moment he's 2 years older than her (just for a month or so) and says it feels weird. Kids are very sensitive about these things.

Original poster

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 10:08

LikeTearsInRain · 05/03/2023 09:59

My school had similar views 15 years ago. Dating across year groups was very rare. To be fair we did at one point have sixth formers dating 15, not yet 16 year old, year 11s so that was definitely a bit noncey

Was it noncey though? Or are you saying it was considered, obviously wrongly, noncey by the year group?

I mean noncey is an adult human being sexually attracted to children isn’t it? Not a 16 year old dating a 15 year old!

apologies if I sound touchy about it, it’s just making me feel so angry the whole thing and helpless, it’s such a stupid stupid attitude

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Kitchenette · 05/03/2023 10:08

It’s bullying, op. You need to speak to the school. The rights and wrongs of cross-year dating aren’t really relevant- the other kids have picked on this thing and are using it to make your son’s life miserable both IRL and online. Please act.

IWineAndDontDine · 05/03/2023 10:11

Totally normal at my school age wise... honestly kids find a reason to bully, if it wasnt this, it would be something else I think. Someone has taken a disliking to him and the mob mentality has taken over

Original poster

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 10:12

IWineAndDontDine · 05/03/2023 10:11

Totally normal at my school age wise... honestly kids find a reason to bully, if it wasnt this, it would be something else I think. Someone has taken a disliking to him and the mob mentality has taken over

No it’s not that. He didn’t ask her out for ages because he knew it would land him in this situation. It’s a taboo these days.

he just didn’t realise how it would make him feel when it’s finally got around the whole school and beyond

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SettlingForAnotherMuffin · 05/03/2023 10:12

BMW6 · 05/03/2023 09:34

I'd approach the school as your son is being bullied for stupid reasons. The kids need to be educated on this en masse.

yes this. This is just bullying and outrageous.

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 10:14

@Puddingypops yeah kids don't think rationally like adults, that's the problem.

I would speak to the school and ask them to handle it delicately considering he's already a victim of bullying. A whole school assembly wouldn't be an appropriate action.

dancinfeet · 05/03/2023 10:16

Ugh your poor son. I had a load of grief from people at college when I was 1st year sixth form (yr 12) and my boyfriend was yr 11 still at school. I have a summer birthday and his was right at the beginning of september, so a matter of weeks between our birthdays. Fool that I was back then, I gave in to the peer pressure and finished with him- he was a lovely lad, but he just wasn’t accepted by my new college friends because of him still being at school. Daft thing was, dating other people in year above at college was seen as fine.

Original poster

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 10:20

I would love to go to the school but what he wants is for things to be as they were where the kids outside his immediate friend circle liked him, we’re friendly, fist bumped him walking last etc.

even if school address the bullying that’s not going to happen.

I said to him surely that ship has sailed and if he ends things with her then he will still be a nonce etc? He thinks not that it will die down so he is faced with giving into the pressure like @dancinfeet or somehow powering through.

I have started subtly mentioning it in detail to parents of his friends and asking them to speak to their kids about trying to shut it down around them if they hear it but it’s so widespread it seems an impossible task to turn back time and make things as they were

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GoodChat · 05/03/2023 10:22

I have started subtly mentioning it in detail to parents of his friends and asking them to speak to their kids about trying to shut it down around them if they hear it but it’s so widespread it seems an impossible task to turn back time and make things as they were

To be fair if his friends start standing up for him other people will back off. It's only easy to bully someone who stands alone. It's not easy to bully someone who has lots of people to defend him.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 05/03/2023 10:24

It has ever been thus. Going out with a girl a year younger was a huge no no when I was in school 25 years ago. They'd get called exactly the same terms back then. It's just another way to bully them.

Weirdly, didn't seem to happen the other way round, if the girl was a year older than the boy.

Just asked DD15 about this. She says it does feel creepy to her. The year 9s seem so much younger and less mature than her year, and that the girls are always so aware of older boys and men leering at them. She also pointed out a year is a much bigger chunk of your life at that age. She did say that she wouldn't give anyone grief about it though (but who'd say otherwise would when talking to their Dad)

Original poster

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 10:28

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 05/03/2023 10:24

It has ever been thus. Going out with a girl a year younger was a huge no no when I was in school 25 years ago. They'd get called exactly the same terms back then. It's just another way to bully them.

Weirdly, didn't seem to happen the other way round, if the girl was a year older than the boy.

Just asked DD15 about this. She says it does feel creepy to her. The year 9s seem so much younger and less mature than her year, and that the girls are always so aware of older boys and men leering at them. She also pointed out a year is a much bigger chunk of your life at that age. She did say that she wouldn't give anyone grief about it though (but who'd say otherwise would when talking to their Dad)

Yes this seems to be the thinking, but again the month difference is the same between DS and his GF and his best mate and HIS GF, but the birthdays fall so that best mate and gf are in the same year.

if you met my DS and his GF you would think she was older than him.

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BellePeppa · 05/03/2023 10:31

RandomMess · 05/03/2023 09:49

I agree it's a widespread thing.

My DDs all think going out with a boy 2 years older than them in their late teens is "wrong" then my youngest wonders why her boyfriends are so bloody immature

It is weird. Even my very bright very sensible late teen thinks someone of 21 going out with an 18 year old is creepy and unacceptable! What with this and the gender stuff our young people are getting their brains so scrambled they can’t think straight (or for themselves).

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 05/03/2023 10:32

It’s not like that here, DS is also in t
year 9 and his gf is in year 8 and it’s seen as completely normal… because it is! They are at different schools though which might make a difference I guess.

PaigeMatthews · 05/03/2023 10:32

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 10:08

Was it noncey though? Or are you saying it was considered, obviously wrongly, noncey by the year group?

I mean noncey is an adult human being sexually attracted to children isn’t it? Not a 16 year old dating a 15 year old!

apologies if I sound touchy about it, it’s just making me feel so angry the whole thing and helpless, it’s such a stupid stupid attitude

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I would not be happy at all about my yr 8 dd ‘dating‘ a year 9 boy. It doesnt matter how much the age difference is when they are out of the school system, in the school system he is a year ahead.

you just cannot justify age gaps in school in the same way you would the world beyond that. Even one week end of august to the beginning of september still means they older is a year ahead, not a week older.

sixth formers dating 15 year olds is a problem due to the age of consent. If it is a sexual relationship it is a problem.

EwwSprouts · 05/03/2023 10:35

Agree speak to school as it is clearly bullying.

I would also not be having a 13 year old girl upstairs in his bedroom door open or not, however much you trust both of them.

Youwhatnowbiggles · 05/03/2023 10:35

Hi @Puddingypops ,Sorry your dd is going through this. Just to let you know it’s the same at my dcs school too. My yr9 dd’s poor bf (yr10) was subject to the same accusations. They have very little interaction at school now except at the clubs they do that cross over yr groups and see each other in the holidays/weekends instead. They won’t go into the town where they’re at school though for fear of being seen together. She’s 14, he’s 15 - it’s utterly ridiculous!!!

KTheGrey · 05/03/2023 10:35

Wow those kids' heads are going to spin when they have to do Romeo and Juliet as it seems all GCSE students must.

It is a thing, but it is ridiculous. If it's happening online is it not a police matter?

It is worth approaching the school because this is bullying and permitting it is part of school culture, so they need to address it. Conversations that happen anyway in schools are usually better acknowledged and contributed to by adults.

PaigeMatthews · 05/03/2023 10:36

BellePeppa · 05/03/2023 10:31

It is weird. Even my very bright very sensible late teen thinks someone of 21 going out with an 18 year old is creepy and unacceptable! What with this and the gender stuff our young people are getting their brains so scrambled they can’t think straight (or for themselves).

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small age gaps are not as significant here as the life stages, which create the gaps and power imbalances. A 15 year old at school is at a different life stage to a 16/17 yr old at college. An 18 year old living at home attending 6th form is at a completely different life stage to a 21 year old close to finishing uni or working full time.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 05/03/2023 10:38

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 10:28

Yes this seems to be the thinking, but again the month difference is the same between DS and his GF and his best mate and HIS GF, but the birthdays fall so that best mate and gf are in the same year.

if you met my DS and his GF you would think she was older than him.

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I suppose that kids see it as a bit off overall, and it becomes a "rule of the playground", with no room for edge cases.

When I was a kid you were only allowed to carry your backpack with one strap over you shoulder. Made no sense, but by god you'd be bullied for months if you wore it the way the manufacturer's intended even once.

I actually think kids today are far nicer than we were as kids. My daughter's in a fairly "rough" school, but even so the kids seem far more accepting of each others differences. However they're also taught far more about safeguarding and age appropriate relationships than we were, so maybe that's why this is still such a huge thing between them.