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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many women putting up with ghastly husbands/partners?

318 replies

Dottymug · 04/03/2023 22:26

It's the 21st century. Women have so many more opportunities and choices than they had in the past. So why are so many women posting on here about being sworn at, insulted, betrayed and treated as slaves by men who they've no intention of leaving/chucking out? It's utterly depressing. Don't put up with that shit. Life is too short.

OP posts:
TrinnySmith · 05/03/2023 06:08

Well perhaps there are many men thinking the same about horrible, manipulative wives but as this is MUMSNET we don't hear about it.

Elsiebear90 · 05/03/2023 06:11

I think in a lot of cases it’s low self esteem and having poor male role models, there are almost always red flags in the beginning of the relationship, but they either don’t notice or excuse them. Then when it’s years down the line, the behaviour escalates and now they’re trapped financially and emotionally (don’t want to break up the family, don’t want to be a single mum, don’t want to be a divorcee).

It was obvious to most people my best friend’s husband was a knob way before they got married, her mum begged her the night before the wedding not to marry him, I told her early on in the relationship his behaviour was controlling and I was worried she didn’t seem happy. It’s now 8 years later they have a child, a mortgage and he’s an abusive lazy alcoholic. She feels like she can’t leave him because she can’t afford the mortgage on her own and she wants another child before she’s too old, every day she just hopes he will have some kind of epiphany and change.

She could leave him if she really wanted to, she has a lot of equity in the house, a good job, good support system and childcare from family, but she doesn’t want the stigma, doesn’t want to lose her house and thinks better the devil you know.

I think women are taught to expect poor behaviour from men and as such a lot of women overlook it early on in the relationship. Once these men know it’s hard for them to leave their behaviour gets even worse and for a variety of reasons women feel trapped.

Stayingstrongish · 05/03/2023 06:18

My ex left when my kids were very young, my youngest only one and still breast feeding.

We now are divorced and co-parent. Financially I hope I will be ok, but I barely see the kids during the week as I now have to work full time. Before I could afford to work part time and spend more time with them.

It has been a really rough couple of years disentangling finances, going through the divorce and all the admin and emotions of that, then selling the old family house. I was lucky as my ex was a high earner and we had a lot of equity in the house, meaning I now have a small mortgage in my new house. If I didn’t and had to rent, it’s extremely difficult trying to find somewhere to rent in my area (lots of holiday homes instead). I would probably have had to move away and face changing the kids’ school or a 45 minute drive for the school run compared to the previous five minute walk.

It has been really hard and time consuming sorting everything out and unless there was actual abuse of me and the kids I wouldn’t have considered leaving before it was forced on me - I was sleep deprived from my baby waking several times a night, have no local family and there would have been nowhere to go.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 05/03/2023 06:19

FatGirlSwim · 04/03/2023 22:43

I don’t think it’s financial. I think low self esteem and that the barriers to leaving are complicated. Also think that the attitude that leaving is easy makes abuse victims feel blamed and trapped.

I agree. And I was scared of my now-ex husband. Petrified. The being homeless and having no money was the very least of my issues

Museya15 · 05/03/2023 06:29

Security, finance and to have a man!

YouAreNotBatman · 05/03/2023 06:31

What’s ’ghastly’ to you isin’t ghastly for them.

I will never understand women you stay with a misogynystic man who watches porn, can’t get mire anti-women than that.
Yet, to many women that seems to be just fine.
Crazy!

Ambersonlove · 05/03/2023 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Museya15 · 05/03/2023 06:34

I left my ex just before my child was born, had to go it alone, was skint for years but I was happy that he wasn't in my life. Used to sit listening to the other mums at the school gates who were loaded because their husbands were in really well paid jobs, I used to ask them why they do t leave the abuse, they used to say absolutely no way they were giving u the lifestyle they had and just put up with constant berating and beatings.

KimberleyClark · 05/03/2023 06:39

Being too ready to settle for shitty men so they can have kids. And not stopping having kids with a man once they realise he’s shitty.

percypig82 · 05/03/2023 06:43

Finances, the fear of being alone, for the kids, the perception that you won't be this amazing instagrammable unit anymore. A lifetime of unhappiness is more appealing than doing it alone! I split with my ex last year and I have to say it's tough doing it alone, but I'm much happier not being in a house where the environment is toxic. Luckily we weren't married, so made splitting much easier
(We also didn't have a shared asset)

electricmoccasins · 05/03/2023 07:11

Because some men are very entitled, and some women too altruistic.

Itslookinggood · 05/03/2023 07:27

ThreeLocusts · 05/03/2023 00:05

Great post. Thanks.

This is exactly it. It builds up over time.

@OverTheRubicon really gets it.

and yes, that was me.

itsjustnotok · 05/03/2023 07:33

Why are we asking this question instead of ‘how are we raising our young boys to be so disrespectful towards women??’. Maybe if proper boundaries were put in place we would get to stage where we could filter it out. An old friend thought it was ‘funny’ that her son swore at her aged 8 and declared she didn’t understand how my DD stood still with me if I asked and her son laughed and hit her. She never challenged it at all, he hit his teens and omg he was awful and someone is going to find that attractive and get lumbered with the behaviour. So let’s change the way we raise men before asking how a woman could stay with someone without considering many have no options and are stuck.

Fairislefandango · 05/03/2023 07:37

Well perhaps there are many men thinking the same about horrible, manipulative wives but as this is MUMSNET we don't hear about it.

Whataboutery. Yes of course there are men with horrible wives. That doesn't mean it's wrong to have a thread about women with horrible husbands. Anyone who thinks that women do not suffer much more abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, financial), control and imbalance of household drudgery in marriages than men do is either kidding themselves or being a handmaiden.

The effects of thousands of years of men being the masters of women are not easily undone, especially when it suits some people to retain them. It's very obvious on many of the threads on the Relationships board that many men just don't see their female partners as equal at all, and that they still see housework and parenting as 'the woman’s job', while they play on their PlayStation or do their hobbies.

Fairislefandango · 05/03/2023 07:42

Why are we asking this question instead of ‘how are we raising our young boys to be so disrespectful towards women??’.

Because some parents aren't interested in raising their boys to be respectful to women. Or they have a wrong-headed idea about what being respectful to women is. Hard to do much about that. Schools try, but misogyny is rife.

monsterradeliciosa · 05/03/2023 07:48

ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 05:48

@Thepeopleversuswork

Strongly disagree. If you’re choosing to have children with a man you should at least be able to rely on his goodwill at that point (obviously it doesn’t always work out). The reality is even if you’re more of a girl boss you’re still relying totally on your husbands goodwill when it comes to your childrens security and safety. If you leave and will be well off because of your job, unless bad abuse is proven your husband will stake get child access and be part of your kids lives anyway.

Should yes but are you noticing we aren’t choosing good men ?
maybe there are too few of them
maybe we don’t have high enough standards
i didn’t actually choose to get pregnant the sex was non consensual and I was on the pill

I married an even worse man and leaving someone like him does not go smoothly

id still be with him if he hadn’t become literally unbearable

now I’m dealing with awful fall out

I’m better off because he was in crazy debt and literally nuts but I have to claim benefits and stay on them until my child is older and until the fallout is over

the o my solution I see now is no serious relationship ever again

Callmenat · 05/03/2023 07:48

Why are so many men putting up with ghastly wives/partners?

Making the point that it's not a gender specific question.

MarchMate · 05/03/2023 07:55

For me - its very simple.

My Finances are fine. I work full time. Don't give a shit about being lonely. Don't need him for anything. Don't want or need a man in my life. Don't care about telling family.

But I can't bear to hand the kids over to him 50% of the time. He ignores them and has MH issues which makes him hard to be around. And I can't leave my two little kids alone with him days and nights at a time. I feel I need to be at home to manage it all and if he's going to act like a dick I protect them from it.

Mummadeze · 05/03/2023 07:58

I don’t even understand how it is possible to instigate a separation to be honest. My partner won’t leave and doesn’t have the means to do so, so what do I do? I can’t physically force him out of the house, and wouldn’t dare. I can’t cause the upset to my autistic DD by arguing and causing a massive problem by essentially throwing him out to live on the streets. He would not go reasonably. Could I live with the guilt of making my DD’s Dad homeless, regardless of how he has treated me? I just can’t see a solution unless I could buy him a flat of his own, and I can’t afford to do that. He is dependent on me, but I don’t feel that makes things any easier.

megletthesecond · 05/03/2023 08:08

They're financially stuck.
A lovely colleague is set to marry her awful lazy sexist partner and it breaks my heart. She has to do all housework despite working full time. They're both in their 40's so I assume she feels it's her lot in life.

5128gap · 05/03/2023 08:10

Callmenat · 05/03/2023 07:48

Why are so many men putting up with ghastly wives/partners?

Making the point that it's not a gender specific question.

Of course it's gender specific. There are centuries of history and a whole societal context that make the experience of being a woman entirely different from the experience of being a man. Switching genders on these type of questions adds nothing to the understanding of the question raised in the post, its simply an attempt to mask the problem behind a pretence that 'women are as bad. Male bad behaviour in relationships and wider society is an entirely different, more serious and far reaching issue.

29052022J · 05/03/2023 08:13

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 23:18

@29052022J

Society is made up of more than you?

Can your oh afford to live alone?

No with the cost of childcare and rent in this area and then utilities on top he could not. I would need to move two counties away to be able to afford a home and I have elderly parents - it’s just not an option right now. Got into a new field to increase future salary prospects. Unfortunately got stuck in retail when I graduated in 2009 due to the recession and very few graduate opportunities around. Finally I’m in a field with good prospects, not because I have conditioned myself into lower wage work.

Of course society is made up of more than just me, lots of people do need help financially due to low wages, lack of education or even an unfortunate situation they have gotten themselves into.

MarchMate · 05/03/2023 08:15

@Mummadeze I relate to what you say. See my post above yours about not wanting to leave the kids with him but also I don't know how I'd physically do it. He won't leave the house. He has no money. It's his joint house and his kids but he has v little income . I could split with him and stay living together during the 18 months it takes to divorce and sell but can't bear the thought of my two kids (one who is ASD) living in that environment. The atmosphere at home isn't even that bad cos I manage it. If I leave him and we stay living together it will be unbearable

29052022J · 05/03/2023 08:16

Saschka · 04/03/2023 23:55

This is a really good point. I am on a good salary, but if DH and I split up I wouldn’t get a mortgage on a flat by myself in this area, so would have to move further out of London - which would mean pulling DS out of school and away from all of his friends. And finding a new job, because contractually I have to be within 30 mins of the hospital. And I couldn’t manage school pick up/drop offs by myself, even with breakfast club and ASC, as I work shifts. Plus I’d lose half my pension.

Honestly DH would have to be pretty terrible for me to want to do all that. There’s a reason a lot of people split up in later life when their kids have left home (so they no longer need a big house), and they’ve retired and aren’t tied to a particular geographical location.

Yes exactly, the upheaval would be huge for you and your son. Also it annoys me when people always say to move out of the area (SE) I have elderly parents and I want them to have a good relationship with my. I also want to be close by for emergencies.

afterdropshock · 05/03/2023 08:24

Because it is massively disruptive to children to break up a family home. It might involve moving house, location, school, sharing time between two houses. Extra curricula activities, free time and friendships would be impacted. The parents would have to adjust to not having money, free time etc etc
There is no guarantee that everyone would be happier with all this change. It might be better for the woman to be free of a man who isn't good enough to her. It might not honestly be better for the children.
It might be easier to justify leaving if there were no children or if the relationship were violent, but more difficult in other circumstances.

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