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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many women putting up with ghastly husbands/partners?

318 replies

Dottymug · 04/03/2023 22:26

It's the 21st century. Women have so many more opportunities and choices than they had in the past. So why are so many women posting on here about being sworn at, insulted, betrayed and treated as slaves by men who they've no intention of leaving/chucking out? It's utterly depressing. Don't put up with that shit. Life is too short.

OP posts:
NastyNiff · 04/03/2023 23:32

As far as I can see, there's not a great deal of choice.
You can be single though.

PearCrumbleCustard · 04/03/2023 23:33

SweetSakura · 04/03/2023 22:45

For me - well justified fear of what he would be like with the children when I wasn't there.

I didn't see his abusive side until I was pregnant.

Eventually the police helped me leave but despite medical evidence and police reports and school disclosures cafcass still felt he was a great dad who should have contact time. Eventually after one bit of abuse too many ds refused to go back.

So don't judge. I don't regret leaving but I hate that in doing so my children were more at risk

I think that this is a very real and understandable fear, and one that we don’t take seriously enough. Contact time with a partner who may be a risk around kids without the other parent is a real worry for many.

MrsDoylesDoily · 04/03/2023 23:34

FatGirlSwim · 04/03/2023 22:43

I don’t think it’s financial. I think low self esteem and that the barriers to leaving are complicated. Also think that the attitude that leaving is easy makes abuse victims feel blamed and trapped.

I think it's a few different things that make up the jigsaw, but finances are nearly always a huge part.

SecretVictoria · 04/03/2023 23:37

NastyNiff · 04/03/2023 23:32

As far as I can see, there's not a great deal of choice.
You can be single though.

Indeed.

This won’t be a popular view on here but I think many women want kids and will overlook faults in partners for that.

JamBiscuitBun · 04/03/2023 23:39

Watching the two women I see in awful marriages:

Financial - not willing to accept losing the marital home & lower standard of living.
Not wanting the shame of 'coming from a broken marriage'
Not knowing they're traumatised (difficult upbringings) and accepting awful behaviour in their spouse.
Believing their dc are genuinely better off with two married parents even if the parents hate each other.

I think a lot more women would divorce if there was true financial workplace equality with men.

reddwarfgeek · 04/03/2023 23:44

Money.
Some women aren't brought up to believe they are worthy and husbands play on this to make them fear being alone.
Unhealthy models in parental relationships.

VikingLady · 04/03/2023 23:44

In my case it's because my kids have SEN. Not enough for state help, but of a type that means school is not an option (including special schools). So I'm stuck as a full time home educating mum. I can't leave - we couldn't afford a house, the kids wouldn't manage the upheaval anyway, and I can't work.

It wasn't the plan. But shit happens. SEN mums are frequently stuck in shot marriages. We just can't leave.

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 23:45

@Crutcher

Yeah that's a load of rubbish

SparkleSpangle · 04/03/2023 23:46

If I leave I have to send my children to him 50% of the time unsupervised. I lose the house we have paid over 50% of the mortgage on. I have to go into council housing in a different area so my children lose their friends and change school.

If I put up with the abuse my children have both parents and get to stay in their bedrooms, see their friends and stay in the local school.

Grumpsy · 04/03/2023 23:46

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 22:40

Because they give up financial independence far too easily

Mostly

Sad but true

CovertImage · 04/03/2023 23:50

Blingstar · 04/03/2023 22:50

@Fizzadora makes a very valid point here. Totally agree.

Me too, 100%

Saschka · 04/03/2023 23:55

29052022J · 04/03/2023 23:03

On mat leave and going back to work soon (fully paid of 9 months) However my salary would not cover mortgage, utilities and childcare if I was to be a single parent. Do I fancy a life on benefits until my child starts school, no. Even if I was to rent a small flat to be close to my parents I would not be able to make ends meet - this is the reality for many women.

This is a really good point. I am on a good salary, but if DH and I split up I wouldn’t get a mortgage on a flat by myself in this area, so would have to move further out of London - which would mean pulling DS out of school and away from all of his friends. And finding a new job, because contractually I have to be within 30 mins of the hospital. And I couldn’t manage school pick up/drop offs by myself, even with breakfast club and ASC, as I work shifts. Plus I’d lose half my pension.

Honestly DH would have to be pretty terrible for me to want to do all that. There’s a reason a lot of people split up in later life when their kids have left home (so they no longer need a big house), and they’ve retired and aren’t tied to a particular geographical location.

Kpo58 · 05/03/2023 00:02

MeinKraft · 04/03/2023 23:32

Not sure how getting married makes it easier to leave but ok Confused

If you are married, you are entitled to half the assets, even if you are a stay at home parent. If you aren't married, you can be left out on the street with nothing if your name isn't on the mortgage or rental agreement. Most people would want something financially backing them up if they leave or they simply cannot afford to rent/buy food/pay for childcare/etc.

Tarkan · 05/03/2023 00:04

I was that woman until around 10 years ago.

It was a mixture of "wanting to stay together for the kids" and me believing his lies that I couldn't afford to be alone on top of the gradual wearing down of me that he had done for the years we had been together. He first cheated on me literally months into our relationship but due to my own shit self-esteem from various issues I believed him when he said it wouldn't happen again. And again. And again. And by then we had a child, and then another, and I put up with even more for their sake.

I can't say what it was that finally made me see through him for sure. I had just discovered another affair but for some reason I knew I couldn't forgive him again. He had lied to his family about me as well (which explains how they treated me later on) so maybe that was the step too far that made me snap and eventually see right through all of the lies and manipulation I had put up with for so long. I was able to kick him out and not lose our family home at least, he was good enough about that side of things.

Thankfully after leaving him I found my own self worth, created a wonderful life for me and the children, and then met a wonderful man who I am now married to and is an amazing stepfather to the children.

The ex has got steadily worse and worse, he saw the kids pretty much 50/50 at first and has kept moving in with woman after woman (and yes often the kids meeting them before I've been happy with it) and has now started moving further and further away, the most recent one he didn't even tell me about and it's far enough that the kids would need to stay overnight but conveniently he doesn't have space for them now. I think in their eyes he's still the cool dad though, he shows up now and again to take them out to something fun, he buys them random things and really is more of a "cool uncle" than a parent now it seems.

ThreeLocusts · 05/03/2023 00:05

OverTheRubicon · 04/03/2023 23:07

Anyone who thinks this stuff is straightforward has an incredibly lucky life, and a very lacking imagination.

SO MANY of the women you're taking about will have said before the relationship that 'if a man did [X] I'd just leave'. And then when you're 35 weeks pregnant he does - but you're due so soon, and he's sobbing with guilt and saying he wants to die, and you know how he can be really kind and how he's had to grow up with abuse himself, and for the next weeks he's really trying, so kind to you and not even drinking - way better than your own dad, who never even felt bad about it. Your mum says so too, and she's worried about how you'll cope as a single new mum, so you agree it's out of character and stay.

Then it happens the second time months later, and you think about going, but he's been really stressed because the baby's not sleeping, and you're on statutory maternity pay and have run through your savings, and you're also really scared that if things got mean, your post-natal depression would be brought up in court and you'd lose your baby. So you stay.

Then for a while he's got a new job, and for a good while it's just like the old days, and suddenly you're pregnant with #2. He's drinking again in the evenings and it makes him short tempered, but bad morning sickness means you do appreciate him 'helping' with your toddler, who also absolutely idolises him. Your work doesn't take your frequent absences well though, and they tell you that your role is redundant (they say it's nothing at all to do with pregnancy, of course). He loves having you home, and has loads of expectations and advice about how you need to care for it and your kids, and isn't keen on visitors, and gets really anxious and grumpy when you go out, so your world is getting smaller. Still no savings as he sees all your spending. Hard to go back to work, as he points out you'd barely be making £30 a week after childcare, and it's not like he can help much with the school run.
You think about leaving sometimes, but you couldn't afford a house nearby, and he'd pay for a good lawyer while you don't have any savings, your eldest adores him and would be devastated - also his temper is bad enough that you think maybe it's better if you're there to keep things calm. You're not perfect either, sometimes you've called him names too, and he says you're the abusive one, with your control-freakery about housework and drinking. Maybe if you're a better wife, this will sort out.

He's charming, none of his family or mates would believe it, and he has the money to get legal help. You'd miss him, too, in between the bad moments he makes you laugh and you didn't go into marriage to be like this. He didn't either, you know he was damaged himself. And that's before all the logistical and social problems that terrify you about being a single mum.

Great post. Thanks.

Kpo58 · 05/03/2023 00:07

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 22:40

Because they give up financial independence far too easily

Mostly

I think that's an unfair statement in our society. If 1 wage can just about pay for everything, but 2 wages + childcare puts you into debt and like most people you cannot just pick your hours to work around each other, then one person has to give up work if you have young children and unfortunately the lowest paid is usually the woman.

Maybe if we had a society with actually free childcare and the protections of marriage, then this situation wouldn't be arising as commonly as it does now.

DemiColon · 05/03/2023 00:07

I don't get the sense that there are more ghastly male partners than ghastly female ones, tbh. Mumsnet obviously is going to have more women complaining about men, but in real life I know a fair number of men with women who seem pretty useless or nasty.

Pardon45 · 05/03/2023 00:08

Because we are taught to put ourselves last. Our needs always come last. I grow up in a house where my mother served my dad, then my brothers, the the pets, then me and then herself.

I recently talked about an issue at home. I was told that's what mums do. They do everything and no one notices. That's your job.

I have also been told I'm lucky because my husband does stuff with our children. He doesn't drink, smoke, cheat or beat me. Obviously, the bar is low.

I think mostly because of the kids and their love of their father. Also maybe because of the love you had and the future you invisaged together before ..

unsync · 05/03/2023 00:12

Abuse is complex. Maybe educate yourself about it and have some compassion.

Botw1 · 05/03/2023 00:13

@Kpo58

Well, no

Because no one has to give up work (outside of disability)

bellsbuss · 05/03/2023 00:14

My mum put up and shut up because she had 5 children and financially couldn't have managed without my abusive father. I would have have rather she had left as a child but talking to her as adult I can see why she didn't , I do think it's easier to leave now than what it was when I was a child.

DemiColon · 05/03/2023 00:15

I'd also say, that even when both members of a couple work at similarly paid jobs, in many cases they simply can't afford to live split up. Housing costs usually kill that.

If my husband and I divorced today, I might just be able to afford a bachelor flat near my work, no car. No room for the kids, and no vehicle to get to them anyway. My husband could just afford the mortgage and utilities on our house, but he couldn't afford food or any kids activities or school related expenses or clothing the kids, or piano lessons, or anything like that.

And even selling the house wouldn't put us ahead as we'd not be able to buy anything for less. Even renting isn't really less at the moment here.

That's what happens when you have an economy that sees two income households as normative.

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 05/03/2023 00:16

Great post @OverTheRubicon

ThreeLocusts · 05/03/2023 00:16

SparkleSpangle · 04/03/2023 23:46

If I leave I have to send my children to him 50% of the time unsupervised. I lose the house we have paid over 50% of the mortgage on. I have to go into council housing in a different area so my children lose their friends and change school.

If I put up with the abuse my children have both parents and get to stay in their bedrooms, see their friends and stay in the local school.

I hear you. I don't trust my husband with my kids but he is very good at being the 'fun dad' - it's recognising they've a fever, the unfun stuff, that's the problem. I could never stop a court from giving him 50/50. His nastiness is subtle and he has no regard from the truth.

It feels like my husband has the children hostage. I suspect that with the rise of the 'involved dad' (shit phrase) this predicament is becoming a pattern.

Sunriseinwonderland · 05/03/2023 00:18

I didn't put up with it, I divorced the pair of them and so here I am single at 61.
I don't need a man financially and I have my own home but I really didn't think I'd be spending my retirement alone.
There are so many things i still want to do but I don't feel like doing them alone, I wanted a loving life partner to do them with.
But so far I haven't dated one single decent adult male I'd even consider having a relationship with.
i think they have all been taken off planet and replaced with aliens.

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