Why are so many women putting up with ghastly husbands/partners?

[Dottymug]

It's the 21st century. Women have so many more opportunities and choices than they had in the past. So why are so many women posting on here about being sworn at, insulted, betrayed and treated as slaves by men who they've no intention of leaving/chucking out? It's utterly depressing. Don't put up with that shit. Life is too short.

I know OP.. It makes me so sad reading how women are treated when they don't need to be. I was treated well and I'm still happier alone.

Low self esteem and self worth. I have suffered from these in terms of work, but never in terms of what I was willing to put up with from a man.

The 'for financial reasons' just doesn't sit well with me, there are benefits available, it won't be the lifestyle you're perhaps used to but it'll be a better life than living with an abusive twat.
I separated (due to his cheating) when my 3DC were under 5, I had nothing and ended up juggling 2 jobs, childcare etc but we survived and it got easier as they grew up.

OnaBegonia yeah but there is a massive stigma attached to claiming benefits. I think this, and the "othering" of people who claim benefits, is a deliberate ploy to put people off claiming.

There is also a massive ignorance of how to claim/ who is entitled- you can see it on here all the time.

There's a huge underestimation of the damage domestic abuse does to one's sense of clarity, confidence and optimism, self worth.

It's a fog and sometimes you're inching through the day.

It's not just a matter of DV though. It's choosing to be with men who are not abusive but just losers in general. So many women have zero standards for what they mate with.

@crackofdoom
I do see that here, the benefit nastiness, no need for ignorance if you have online access.
Tbh I think a lot of women don't want to give up the lifestyle and just tolerate lazy useless men, I'd rather be single.

Indeed.

And there’s an ignorance about how easy or otherwise it is to move out with your kids into alternative accommodation. I know this will be news to some people people, but it’s quite hard to find a furnished flat at an affordable rent near your kids nursery / school when you are a single mum with no income, no employers reference, no landlord references , no deposit and can’t meet the affordability criteria.

And no, benefits don’t “ pay it all “ as some people like to believe. They pay the local housing allowance rate, which is below market rate in most of the UK.

And no, councils and housing associations don't have family sized houses ( near your kids school) sitting empty just waiting for all these “ women with zero standards “ and “ women who just don't want to give up the lifestyle “ to “ exercise self discipline “ and leave.

Honestly it’s like all the smug misogynists on MN decided to post on this thread .

To be fair it's pretty much just one on this thread (which was otherwise great), it's just that they're posting an awful lot 🙄

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Must be great to be you. To have such confidence that you are right and such strong beliefs. You will never fuck up or be vulnerable and alone and allow another person to degrade and humiliate you. A person that you love. Because that's all you know about relationships. Because you had an abusive parent, or bullied at school, mental health problems, maybe just poorly educated and living in a shithole with no positive role models. Maybe have physical health problems or an undiagnosed learning disability. Can just tell @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune you have never ever in your life been in that position.

Lots of great empathetic responses on here. The fact is we are still very far from achieving equality between men and women and sadly feminism hasn't solved the motherhood issue. We should be truly equal in the home but the fact is mothers are mostly still the ones sacrificing and ending up vulnerable on all levels (financially, emotionally and in unfortunate cases physically).
I think more and more the only solution is to not automatically give fathers parental rights. That should be earned, for example with truly 50/50 parental leave. That would probably deter quite a few bad apples and guys who want to use children as 'hostage' would have less leverage over the mums. They should still contribute financially & proportionally if they earn more. Awful how little consequences there are for those who don't abide by the rulings.

The current situation overall is just utterly unfair on mothers. It's hard enough to be a woman but if you have kids, we live in a society that relentlessly punishes us.

This may have been said but one thing I have noticed with men and women is that many simply go back to their parents or have parental support if things get bad/don’t work out.
Those who don't have a support network would find it much harder mentally/financially/childcare wise.

Thank you for saying this. It is all true.

Seen it too many times personally.

Also, cheap sex / shallow pretend relationship is exactly what men want, it would only make men even lazier and entitled.

And no it’s not women’s responsability to raise men, but if we’re saying women should only start relationships at 30’s (and honestly, if you made it so far, why get stuck with a man then - if any woman has ACTUALLY learned to be independent and made enough money on top of that - a man would bring nothing to her life), all they’d have in potential dating pool are men who see no effort and think they’ll still deserve everything.

Women also would just have bunch of dissapointments (most end up wanting more - even if they think it was only sex), std’s, abortions and trust issues, traumas from men who just used them and hurry to chase that ’happy ending’.

@SoonToBeQueenCamilla incredibly well put. The same applies to older women too without loads of assets - you are going to get bugger all on benefits, may be beyond the stage of high paying careers and be unable to pass affordability criteria too and won't be priority for social housing without under 18s. It's very easy for people to judge

Let’s hope more parents raise their daughters by telling them that relationships with men isin’t a must.

We talk about financial dependence but what about emotional dependence? Gaslighters are very clever and it might take a woman (or man) a while to realise that the person they love who says constantly that they love them is actually controlling them.

if you think it couldn’t happen to you because it only happens to people with low self esteem I would have to disagree with you. It could happen to anyone. I would teach young men and women what signs to look for in a toxic relationship.

I'm currently going through a divorce from an utterly vile man.

It's going on and on and on. I will never be free of him. I can see why the divorce process can also put people off.