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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many women putting up with ghastly husbands/partners?

318 replies

Dottymug · 04/03/2023 22:26

It's the 21st century. Women have so many more opportunities and choices than they had in the past. So why are so many women posting on here about being sworn at, insulted, betrayed and treated as slaves by men who they've no intention of leaving/chucking out? It's utterly depressing. Don't put up with that shit. Life is too short.

OP posts:
FortyFacedFuckers · 04/03/2023 22:57

Finances

And not wanting to have to give up 50/%/every 2nd weekend/christmases/holidays etc with DC

Triflenot · 04/03/2023 22:58

Things that resound in your head while you are wondering …..

For better or worse etc etc
Or

  • you made your bed now you must lie in it*
29052022J · 04/03/2023 23:03

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 22:40

Because they give up financial independence far too easily

Mostly

On mat leave and going back to work soon (fully paid of 9 months) However my salary would not cover mortgage, utilities and childcare if I was to be a single parent. Do I fancy a life on benefits until my child starts school, no. Even if I was to rent a small flat to be close to my parents I would not be able to make ends meet - this is the reality for many women.

crazyaboutcats · 04/03/2023 23:04

Mostly it's that people don't end up with what they signed up for (or what they thought they were) and only find out once it's 'too late'. If that be after marrying, having kids, buying a house together, or even just having intertwined lives. And you just get on with it pushing the niggles to the back of your mind. Some even dissociate from themselves.

Financially most couples are dependent on eachother regardless of whose working or earning what.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 04/03/2023 23:06

You are trying to simplify an extremely complex issue. And I feel embarrassed that women still judge other women for this. The reasons are ten-fold.

They don't just go 'ahh, this fella's a twat, treats me like shit, but I can't be arsed leaving'.

Engage your brain, and maybe your empathy button.

OverTheRubicon · 04/03/2023 23:07

Anyone who thinks this stuff is straightforward has an incredibly lucky life, and a very lacking imagination.

SO MANY of the women you're taking about will have said before the relationship that 'if a man did [X] I'd just leave'. And then when you're 35 weeks pregnant he does - but you're due so soon, and he's sobbing with guilt and saying he wants to die, and you know how he can be really kind and how he's had to grow up with abuse himself, and for the next weeks he's really trying, so kind to you and not even drinking - way better than your own dad, who never even felt bad about it. Your mum says so too, and she's worried about how you'll cope as a single new mum, so you agree it's out of character and stay.

Then it happens the second time months later, and you think about going, but he's been really stressed because the baby's not sleeping, and you're on statutory maternity pay and have run through your savings, and you're also really scared that if things got mean, your post-natal depression would be brought up in court and you'd lose your baby. So you stay.

Then for a while he's got a new job, and for a good while it's just like the old days, and suddenly you're pregnant with #2. He's drinking again in the evenings and it makes him short tempered, but bad morning sickness means you do appreciate him 'helping' with your toddler, who also absolutely idolises him. Your work doesn't take your frequent absences well though, and they tell you that your role is redundant (they say it's nothing at all to do with pregnancy, of course). He loves having you home, and has loads of expectations and advice about how you need to care for it and your kids, and isn't keen on visitors, and gets really anxious and grumpy when you go out, so your world is getting smaller. Still no savings as he sees all your spending. Hard to go back to work, as he points out you'd barely be making £30 a week after childcare, and it's not like he can help much with the school run.
You think about leaving sometimes, but you couldn't afford a house nearby, and he'd pay for a good lawyer while you don't have any savings, your eldest adores him and would be devastated - also his temper is bad enough that you think maybe it's better if you're there to keep things calm. You're not perfect either, sometimes you've called him names too, and he says you're the abusive one, with your control-freakery about housework and drinking. Maybe if you're a better wife, this will sort out.

He's charming, none of his family or mates would believe it, and he has the money to get legal help. You'd miss him, too, in between the bad moments he makes you laugh and you didn't go into marriage to be like this. He didn't either, you know he was damaged himself. And that's before all the logistical and social problems that terrify you about being a single mum.

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 23:08

@29052022j

Well, yes.

Because women tend to choose lower paid roles

Because they're taught (by society) to prep for being mothers. So they pick roles that are lower paid but have better benefits and greater flexibility

Plus, back to the people pleaser point, they don't push for promotion or pay rises

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/03/2023 23:09

We have the third most expensive childcare system in the 'developed' world. And a child maintenance system that in the early years means that the non resident parent can get away with paying a much lower proportion of costs towards children than the proportion they would pay if the couple were still living together. I think a lot of women simply can't afford to leave.

IntentionalError · 04/03/2023 23:10

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 22:40

Because they give up financial independence far too easily

Mostly

Is the correct answer.

29052022J · 04/03/2023 23:13

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 23:08

@29052022j

Well, yes.

Because women tend to choose lower paid roles

Because they're taught (by society) to prep for being mothers. So they pick roles that are lower paid but have better benefits and greater flexibility

Plus, back to the people pleaser point, they don't push for promotion or pay rises

Not really, I entered a new field 2 years ago so it will take a while for my salary to increase.

Dottymug · 04/03/2023 23:14

@IntentionalError I just wish it wasn't so. If she'd lived my mum would be in her 90s now and her advice to me was 'never be financially dependent on a man and never let him put you down.' I just wish things were changing for the better for young women.

OP posts:
tobee · 04/03/2023 23:15

Mostly it's the fact that many men are crap. Society seems to let them get away with it. Because patriarchal. And they are often the product of crap dads. And so on...

Some of these answers are basically victim blaming.

user764329056 · 04/03/2023 23:15

Have always been independent and have never had financial input from a man, not even daughter’s dad, a I couldn’t bear the thought of being trapped, it’s been bloody tough being a single parent with a mortgage and a demanding job but I would do it all again rather than be in a desperate situation where you feel no choice other than to stay in a miserable or abusive relationship

Crutcher · 04/03/2023 23:16

Leaving aside cases of actual physical abuse, mostly the women are no better. It's just a case of what flavour your poison is. He might be lazy and she a harridan, he might be tight and she a spendthrift and so on.

Bad character traits are by and large split evenly among the genders. There are as many nasty women as there are men. The only imbalance that exists is with physical abuse, due to the imbalance in strength between men and women.

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 23:18

@29052022J

Society is made up of more than you?

Can your oh afford to live alone?

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 23:19

@Crutcher

You think men only physically abuse women because they're physically stronger?

KILM · 04/03/2023 23:22

Many many good points on this thread - I'd just like to add the biggest for me -
Finding a partner is such an ingrained default in our society that the majority of people will go their whole lives and not stop to think about if its what they actually want. So many people say they'd be lonely if they were single... without ever having actually been single.
We teach women that boys will be boys and that it's normal for men to be a bit crap as housemates, partners and dads. We teach men that anything above the bare minimum is medal worthy. Non monogamous relationships and ways of life are hugely ostracised (some of the comments I've seen on here!) So we end up with a lot of people sleepwalking their way in.
We also have this pervasive horrible thing where 'I just don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore' isn't an acceptable 'reason' to break up. Breakups are often talked about and depicted as traumatic things as opposed to just a fact of life. Lots of people out there think it's acceptable to threaten self harm if a partner attempts to break up with them. It's all deeply weird.

Struddlefor1 · 04/03/2023 23:25

Everything above, plus more.
Because leaving is complicated. Because being crap in some ways doesn’t necessarily make him bad in all ways. Because it can be rubbish in lots of little ways but you feel you can’t leave until there is a big enough reason.

And of course finances, housing, body clocks, children, extended family, etc etc etc.

It’s just not a straight forward decision or process.

maddiemookins16mum · 04/03/2023 23:25

Lots of reasons - in no particular order

Finances
Where are they going to go?
kids
pets
don’t want to be alone
what others will say
self doubt

Bluetitnest · 04/03/2023 23:25

Hate the way this is worded

like saying why do some women get raped rather then why do men rape

Cheeseandlobster · 04/03/2023 23:27

crazyaboutcats · 04/03/2023 23:04

Mostly it's that people don't end up with what they signed up for (or what they thought they were) and only find out once it's 'too late'. If that be after marrying, having kids, buying a house together, or even just having intertwined lives. And you just get on with it pushing the niggles to the back of your mind. Some even dissociate from themselves.

Financially most couples are dependent on eachother regardless of whose working or earning what.

This. You can be judgy all you want and think that this would never happen to you. But just imagine having no support network, no confidence, no money or a shit partner whom you cannot rely on to look after dc properly in a shared custody situation and you might just have your answer

Borris · 04/03/2023 23:28

OverTheRubicon · 04/03/2023 23:07

Anyone who thinks this stuff is straightforward has an incredibly lucky life, and a very lacking imagination.

SO MANY of the women you're taking about will have said before the relationship that 'if a man did [X] I'd just leave'. And then when you're 35 weeks pregnant he does - but you're due so soon, and he's sobbing with guilt and saying he wants to die, and you know how he can be really kind and how he's had to grow up with abuse himself, and for the next weeks he's really trying, so kind to you and not even drinking - way better than your own dad, who never even felt bad about it. Your mum says so too, and she's worried about how you'll cope as a single new mum, so you agree it's out of character and stay.

Then it happens the second time months later, and you think about going, but he's been really stressed because the baby's not sleeping, and you're on statutory maternity pay and have run through your savings, and you're also really scared that if things got mean, your post-natal depression would be brought up in court and you'd lose your baby. So you stay.

Then for a while he's got a new job, and for a good while it's just like the old days, and suddenly you're pregnant with #2. He's drinking again in the evenings and it makes him short tempered, but bad morning sickness means you do appreciate him 'helping' with your toddler, who also absolutely idolises him. Your work doesn't take your frequent absences well though, and they tell you that your role is redundant (they say it's nothing at all to do with pregnancy, of course). He loves having you home, and has loads of expectations and advice about how you need to care for it and your kids, and isn't keen on visitors, and gets really anxious and grumpy when you go out, so your world is getting smaller. Still no savings as he sees all your spending. Hard to go back to work, as he points out you'd barely be making £30 a week after childcare, and it's not like he can help much with the school run.
You think about leaving sometimes, but you couldn't afford a house nearby, and he'd pay for a good lawyer while you don't have any savings, your eldest adores him and would be devastated - also his temper is bad enough that you think maybe it's better if you're there to keep things calm. You're not perfect either, sometimes you've called him names too, and he says you're the abusive one, with your control-freakery about housework and drinking. Maybe if you're a better wife, this will sort out.

He's charming, none of his family or mates would believe it, and he has the money to get legal help. You'd miss him, too, in between the bad moments he makes you laugh and you didn't go into marriage to be like this. He didn't either, you know he was damaged himself. And that's before all the logistical and social problems that terrify you about being a single mum.

This.

Lentil63 · 04/03/2023 23:30

No one ever told me that I should expect anything for myself. I was always told to put everyone before myself. He made sure I understood how unbelievably lucky I was to have him (I was only thirteen at the outset). He criticised me frequently. He compared me unfavourably with other women. He made me feel like I was so lucky to have him because no one else would want me. He bemoaned my (lack of) interest in sex while demanding I orgasmed with him without any foreplay; he called me frigid. I thought there was something wrong with me sexually. He made sure I knew how many women found him interesting.
I’ve been with him now for 47 years! He’s better but can still be difficult. I feel so very sad for my younger self.

Crutcher · 04/03/2023 23:32

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 23:19

@Crutcher

You think men only physically abuse women because they're physically stronger?

Yes. Meaning there are people who like to control their partners, or who turn nasty when they don't get their way. With such kind of women, usually, the most they do is emotional abuse, ie name calling, sulking etc. That is not because they wouldn't want to be physically abusive, but because they can't.

With such kind of men, however, they have the additional 'option' of becoming physical, as they're stronger. Which is why there is more physical abuse from men to women, but any other forms of bad behaviour are basically equally distributed (my non-data-backed guess is there is more emotional abuse from women).

MeinKraft · 04/03/2023 23:32

EthicalNonMahogany · 04/03/2023 22:43

They didn't get married and have insecure housing and it is no small thing to think of shifting your children around.

Not sure how getting married makes it easier to leave but ok Confused

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