Why are so many women putting up with ghastly husbands/partners?

[Dottymug]

It's the 21st century. Women have so many more opportunities and choices than they had in the past. So why are so many women posting on here about being sworn at, insulted, betrayed and treated as slaves by men who they've no intention of leaving/chucking out? It's utterly depressing. Don't put up with that shit. Life is too short.

Finances, don’t want to be alone/desperate for a relationship, low self esteem

I'm not financially tied to my ex but still speak to him most days and would take him back, despite his behaviour being as you describe often.

Saw a therapist for over a year who said I was trauma bonded. Probably not rare.

I'm also very codependent. He has an abusive childhood so I make a lot of excuses for him. I feel the need to look after him.

Most of my female relatives are the same. Probably partly the religion I was brought up in and guilt.

Finances, fear of being alone, fear of being 100% responsible for children, fear of not giving children the ideal family, fear of stigma, being manipulated into believing that's their worth and not have the confidence and self belief to see that's not true.

Society, despite changes, still looks down on single parents. Society, still, allows men (generally men) to walk away from children without consequence, they don't have to support them, there's nothing in place to force it to happen, and its accepted. How often do these men go into new relationships and the new partner resents the mother of the children for maintenance etc, it is still socially acceptable for me to not be held accountable for children. Women are regularly left to survive and manage and children suffer as a result. Often, the fear of that alone is enough to keep you from leaving.

Not to mention the psychological abuse and gaslighting that happens to make someone believe leaving is truly impossible.

How do you plan on working if it puts your family deeper into debt due to childcare costs, especially if you don't have a car to get to overnight jobs? Not everyone can just step into a better paying job at a drop of a hat.

I think it's the financial aspect, and that some emotional and practical support (especially if you have kids) is better than none. I also think (in my case), things creep up on you. I didn't start bad, it's slowly got that way and now you're stuck.

I didn't put up with it and split with my ex 2 years ago.

My kids were 5 and 2 then. It was bloody hard work. It still is, being a single parent is hard and exhausting and a lot of people say they don't know how I do it whilst putting up with their shit of a husband. A lot of people know they don't want to give up what they have - lifestyle, house, some freedom, money. They are financially tied, they are reliant on the other for money, security, company, to share parenting duties. And I'm sure part of it is the stigma of being a single parent. They don't want to be alone. They don't want their ex to meet someone else whilst they're left raising the kids, which lets face it, happens a lot.

I can see them divorcing when their kids are teenagers. My best friend's parents divorced when she was 14 and it was horrific for her and her siblings, so I was keen to avoid that - the younger the kids are the better imo, I would rather I take more of the emotional hit than my children. That's not to say it's been easy for them, but my youngest won't even remember us being together.

I have had an early inheritance (my dad died) so I am "fortunate" to be able to buy out my ex out of the house so we don't need to move. Lots of people - most - don't have this option.

As for why I put up with it initially. My dad was a sahd but was also an abusive, lazy sod and my mum worked 50 hour weeks when I was young to provide for us all. I was raised to believe "that's what men are like". My bar was set very low. It was only as I got older, matured, became more of a feminist, saw other peoples' marriages, that I realised that I didn't have to live that life.

I didn't want my children (boys) to grow up believing that's what a healthy relationship looks like, and that's how to treat women. Because I grew up with a very skewed perception of what is a normal, healthy marriage.

@Kpo58

Well personally I didn't have kids until I knew we could afford them.

Plus I had a (reasonably) well paid career that was also flexible

Outside of that I'd be looking at any other option to keep my hand in.

Short term paid for long term gain

That's a very naive question...

Lots of complicated reasons, which I completely understand. I left my DS's father when my son was 2 (30yrs ago now), not because he was awful but because I didn't love him and didn't want to waste my life I then worked, studied, worked and survived as a single parent for the next 25yrs, including the unexpected addition of DD 5yrs later (outside of a relationship)! It is hard and we had many difficult times, with very little parenting or money from either of their dad's, but I always worked and raised them myself. I have built a career and now own a house (via shared ownership originally) so it is possible. I think state support is probably better now than it was then, and I would rather have been single than in an unhappy relationship. I also never wanted to raise my kids with a role model of unhappy acceptance in a relationship, or I'd just be encouraging them to continue that cycle. Good luck to anyone who is thinking of it.

This was the case for me also, although I eventually left as Ex was continually seeing other women and it was so demeaning. But for a long time, years, I was stuck. Truly stuck. And the worst of it was I always got the feeling that on top of having to deal with being a full-time mum of SEN child, that others did see me as being weak, staying for ‘financial’ reasons, not ‘bothering’ to work.

Society doesn’t care for the carers, that’s for sure.

I even got berated on Mum set for not being married before we had kids, as if it was all my fault for simultaneously not being independent enough to just keep my career, or dependent enough to have ‘known’ that I’d need the extra protection of marriage from a husband.

Yes. But apparently on MN you are being mean if you point that out.

Because of finances - and I’m not referring to women who gave up working but literally splitting their assets in two leaves both parties struggling. Much more efficient to live in the same house - until it becomes truly unbearable and the move to a tiny house/flat or a cheaper area doesn’t seem so bad.

I can't leave because of finances, simply if I had enough money I'd be gone but can't even afford rent on my own

No, we’re all adults and are answerable for our crap decisions on some level and that includes men if it means kids are suffering.

Please don’t teach your girls that they’re passive bystanders whose fortune is at the whim of any passing bloke, it’s very depressing. Teach them they have agency and can change whatever they want and yes, that theyre responsible for their own decisions.

I think women who are in good relationships, with decent men, haven’t got a clue what other women are dealing with. My DH is hard work. Would I marry him today? Probably not. But, I’m here now. In this place. LTB is so easy to just reel off, but it’s rarely that simple.

I stayed years after I realised he was abusive because he convinced me I was there problem and I knew he and his family would torture me through my child if I left

For all the common reasons pp have stated, I stayed.
Physical abuse and mental abuse at first, before I even married him.
I had nowhere to go. No support system.
He grew up in an abusive home. His father was crap. Always used fists to sort out his problems. His Grandad was also a poor role model. Both affected by poverty & social problems.
He stopped hitting me soon after the baby was born. But the mental abuse continued.
I was ready to divorce him three years ago.
But then he started going to a mental health support group. Is now seeing a counsellor. His behaviour is getting better.
Occasionally he slips and I say, absolutely not acceptable. He takes that on board now.
There are so many crap men out there. Too many. Mine is. I can still leave, I have enough money. But he is changing for the better. He's on his last chance. I know I have choices and he knows I am willing to take advantage. No longer scared of him.
22 years together.

@HelloBunny this in spades.

I was in an abusive relationship for years. The behaviour crept up and got worse and worse.

The fear of physical abuse and mental torture is overwhelming. You can see no way out because everything is tinged with a fog of panic.

Money was always presented to me as another tool of control.

Even now, when getting divorced, I am concerned about mine and the dcs safety, am accused of all sorts of nonsensical things and the threat of starving us of money is always there.

For me it is financial reasons, although I work full time I cannot afford to live alone.

I assume you have kids because if you don't that is a strange statement, so no single person on your wage could live alone?

Because they think it's the norm and don't realise that most relationships are very different. Maybe linked to childhood issues.

@Thepeopleversuswork

Strongly disagree. If you’re choosing to have children with a man you should at least be able to rely on his goodwill at that point (obviously it doesn’t always work out). The reality is even if you’re more of a girl boss you’re still relying totally on your husbands goodwill when it comes to your childrens security and safety. If you leave and will be well off because of your job, unless bad abuse is proven your husband will stake get child access and be part of your kids lives anyway.

@Crutcher

Yes this. We really need to know whether it’s OP assessing these men as ghastly and the inking their wives should leave or whether it’s the wives actual opinion.
And as you point out, one sided physical abuse aside there are plenty of shitty women out there too but perhaps OP isn’t as intune to picking up on them

Surely given that the number of single parent families are higher than ever it suggests that women aren't actually putting up with the poor choices they made when initially deciding to get together with a feckless/abusive/irresponsible/unreliable partner in the first place?

Financial dependence on a partner isn't really an issue given how generous benefits are for single parents who know how to fully 'utilise' the system.